During college I went with my communication class to a high-ropes course. It had zip lines, climbing walls, repelling, you name it. Supposedly it was there to build community, individual accomplishment, and be a great break from the college life for a while.I went through all the stations and even in the climbing did so much better than I thought I could ever do. Then the last station was a pole that had a swinging bar suspended about four feet from the very top of the pole. When you got to the top you were to jump and catch this bar and then the instructor would let you down.
I tried. I got to within one step of being on the very top of this 15 inch round end of a telephone pole. I knew that one more step, though it meant abandoning the niche my foot had and supporting my weight and maintaining my balance for a second on one foot, would get me to the top. I tried. I lifted my leg several times but could not bring myself to take that step.
This was silly. My mind knew that they had guide and safety ropes on me. I couldn't fall. Yet, each time I tried to lift myself up to the top I had this fear stare me straight in the face. It was so frustrating. Finally I exhausted myself in trying to do this, as the instructor was strongly suggesting that I let go, rest and try the station again later.
I refused to give up. But all that happened is that when I finally let go, my legs were done for, no energy left at all.
Consequently, I never did go back to that station. I even tried to hide the tears from the other students, because I felt like I had so let myself down.
Later on, I realized that if I had backed off sooner, rested and came back to it I might have done it the second or third time. My stubbornness not only prevented me from accomplishing the task, it broke me down and took away my confidence.
I have only started learning wisdom recently.
I am stubborn.
Why can't I realistically back away from something that is out of my league, or can be tackled when I am not tired or impatient?
How many things could I have done so much easier if I had backed off the first time and came back when I could physically, mentally, spiritually handle it better?
I immediate think of how much I am this same way. I am determined that I'M going to be the one to acheive. I can't stand what I think I think it says about ME that I couldn't do it. So often God is waiting patiantly for us to as God for help. To say to God, "I'm done...I'm empty of umfff and I need help" amazing how things might fall into place if we listened after asking for patience, trust and a humble heart. I'm going to concentrate on that today :)
ReplyDeleteOk, while waiting for my insurance adjustor I decided to skim your blog. Yeah, procrastination. I see myself SO much in this post. In January, when I went through Certification School at Lutherhill, I had to do high ropes. My pastor in his devious little mind wanted to sneak to Lutherhill to see me make a fool of myself. I was SO scared. I would NEVER dream of doing the leap of faith. I know my limitations. BUT... I knew that I had to try. Deathly afraid of heights, I started up the 40 ft rock wall. I climbed to the first ledge and was so terrified that I had to come down. I then said, you know what, Mariesa, you can do this thing. I then climbed up to the top of the tower. IT SUCKED. IT WAS AWESOME. IT WAS BREATHTAKING. all at once. The next step would have been to go down the zip line. I was spent. I had used every available energy in myself and said - you know what I have conquered so many fears in just climbing up, that I have overcome mountains. The belayer brought me back down and it was so so freeing.
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