Immersed in Life

I do not spend enough time surrounding myself with those things and experiences that are positive, are joyful or peaceful.   It seems that life is full of the loud, the distressing, the worrying, the anxious, and the negative.  They are so easy to capture the attention.   Let's face it, part of my likes the drama; likes the complaining; likes the ups and downs of it all.....that is...until I don't anymore.

My ego likes that drama.   It thrives on it.  It likes defining itself as what is their to oppose it.   It likes complaining.   It has fun being miserable.   It justifies it's own existence this way.   I am tired of it.

What brought me to this point was the many times that I have purposely sought life-affirming situations, encounters, people.  The comparison between the two brought me to the point of choosing even more such situations.

That is what this blog is going to be about.   Immersing myself in life.  

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I had a wonderful experience by a lake.  It was a fall day; the sun partially hidden by the clouds; the rays bouncing off of the ripples caused by the wind.  Geese were floating in the water; occasionally dipping completely in to snag a fish or some small morsel of food underwater. 

I had brought a small, folding chair with me and a book.   I set it up next to the shore and opened the book, preparing to read.   I saw a couple of geese harassing some families that were to be fed.   Wow...pushy geese.   One caught me eye though.   He (She) was close to the shore and just looking at me.   He didn't move from his spot, just kept looking.   I dropped my head and started reading.   Whenever I looked up, there he was looking.   A smile crept on my face.  This went on for about 10 minutes. 

Finally, out of nowhere I just said out loud to the goose, "OK, if you are going to keep me company today, you might as well get out of the water and come join me here."   Nothing happened.

I read a few more pages, and looked up.   The geese was closer to the shore.   I got this little thrill, but shrugged it off and went back reading.  When I looked up again, the goose was on the shore, not ten feet from me.  "Great.  Glad you could join me," I said.

Just then a car drove up to the parking area and the goose took off, back into the water and quickly to the center of the lake. 

For a while I did not know what to make of this.  Whereas before, I would have attributed this behavior to the fact the goose thought I had food and that was why it came out of the water.   But I chose to interpret it as a moment of that goose understanding me and I understanding it; that neither of us were a threat to the other; that we both just wanted some companionship for a while.

This moment recharged me.  I felt good, happy, even joyful the rest of that day.   Such a simple thing.  

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Another moment happened when I was visiting my church.  They have a Mother's Day Out program where Tuesdays and Thursdays they have classes with pre-k children.   I love these days, when I can stop by, because the whole church is full of life.  

Little children are so full of laughter, discovery, and unabashed wonder.   I talk with some of them, some of the teaches, some of the church staff.   It actually doesn't matter what I do when I am there.   The life that surrounds me, sinks in.  It lightens my mood, recharges my spirit.  

I find that when I play piano there, new tunes, new arrangements, new compositions just flow out of my hands.  I know it is not my skill or talent, but rather that after having breathed in the life around me, I exhale that life out in playing music, singing, praying.   It seems more natural than anything else.

During one of these visits, the kids were just getting up after their nap, and I sat down in one of the chairs in the nap room.  Suddenly, I found myself surrounded by about ten children, all talking at once.  The first one said that he had a dog.  This started all the others describing the animals they had.   I kept it going by saying that I had a cat, and found that children have firm opinions about whether a cat or dog is the best pet to have.

It was just amazing that I became this focus for all these children; like they had all these things to share and suddenly a new adult was there to tell all of their stories.  Again, I left this encounter feeling great for the rest of the day.

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I know that these are simple things; simple moments in time.  Yet, they are life.  Nature, living things, children, friends.  These are all the connections that make life rich, that recharge my batteries.

When I compare this with what I surround myself with normally, I truly wonder why I don't make the choice to experience life more often and strife less.  

Loving Yourself - Step 12

At last, we are at the end of the 12-step blog on loving yourself.  

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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.
11. To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.
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Step 12:  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.

The most important thing about loving yourself and going through these steps is the realization you can now use these tools and principles to help other people.


Helping others is a significant part of loving yourself, and there are many ways that this gets passed on. When you live it and share it with others, you are carrying the message that everyone is worthy, capable, and deserving to love themselves fully.  In practicing the step 12 you will find that:

• By loving others by witnessing to how you have learned to love yourself, that your appreciation of the love you have for yourself and it's impact on your life deepens.
• By hearing the stories of other's jorneys, you are reminded of where you were when you started.
• By modeling to others, you become aware that you need to practice what you preach.
• By giving to others, you develop bonds with new people who you need and who really need you.
• By helping others, you give what you have received.
• By supporting new beginnings, you revitalize your own efforts.

The selfless service of this work is the very principle of step 12. We received our ability to love ourselves from the God of our understanding, so we now make ourselves available as His tool to share this with those who seek it. Most of us learn in time that we can only carry our message to someone who is asking for help. Sometimes the only message necessary is to show by the power of example.  

I now love myself better, and show it in all my thoughts, words and actions, in an effort to be true to the person I am becoming, and to love and serve those around me and help them in any way in their journey of loving themselves.

Step 12 really is the time when we create a mission statement for what we will do with this new and renewed sense of self-love.   We have been loved and now we love in return.   We have breathed in the unconditional love from a greater power, seen and practiced how it can change our own ability to love ourselves, and are now ready to breath out; to spread that love of self to others.

For myself, I never feel more loving toward myself than when I have helped show another not only what to love in themselves but how to do it.   Life takes on a new meaning when you witness others starting to love and trust themselves; when they begin to see themselves through that divine focus of unconditional love.


We best love ourselves by putting into practice with others, the love we now feel in us.

Loving Yourself - Step 11

Let us review the steps so far in loving yourself .....
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.
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We are now on the second to last step.   Actually the step that keeps this whole process working for the future.

Step 11:  To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!

Step 11 is the continuous reinforcement of step 3:  " To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us."  For 100 people, we all have a different perception of what God is.  Hopefully, by the time we have gotten to step 11, we understand truly that there is something greater than ourselves that we need to realize that unconditional love for ourselves.   Step 11 continually reinforces the need to seek that conscious contact through prayer and meditation.   To touch that unconditional love, and realize it is again a part of our lives.


Let us break this step down again into multiple parts, to better understand them.

1.  To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God.

I could go into several thousand different forms of prayer and as many forms of meditation that are out there. When we seek something through prayer and meditation, at the core, this means participating in thinking, speaking, and behaving in ways that bring us to realize and connect with a greater power.  It may take a while to find exactly what that is in our lives.   We may go through several types of prayer and meditation; discarding those methods that do not work for us, and embracing those that do.

When we find these individual ways of prayer and meditation, we start making conscious contact.  This  means being aware, mindful, and awake to align ourselves with God, as we understand God. We gain a perception of the way to truth - illuminating our path to success, happiness, and peace of mind.


To have conscious contact with God is to be alert with our inner essence. We gain awareness and attentiveness to our chosen path to freedom. We gain the familiarity and knowledge to live in accordance with God's will for our lives.

2.  Praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!





When we become aware of the Light of God's love through prayer and meditation, we become at peace with ourselves, our life's direction, and of our new-found life within.  We start slowly seeing ourselves again through the eyes of that unconditional love.

With this knowledge, we feel, deep within us, the serenity that we once thought was impossible to achieve.   We start feeling this peace, because our greatest fear, that of not being worthy of being love, and not being loved, has lost it's power over us.

We realize that our Higher Power has been with us from the start. It has been guiding us thus far through the Steps, and now our Higher Power desires for us to strengthen the conscious contact necessary to continue growing in our journey.

As you can see, this entire step is realizing, reinforcing, and reviewing the unconditional love for which we are always worthy, always experiencing, always immersed.   This step maintains out spiritual connection which continually allows us to re-experience all or any of the steps we will need to review as our life, loving ourselves, continues.

Loving Yourself - Step 10

To review:   The nine steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.
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Step 10:  To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.

Step 10 is the last step when we are creating our lists of the times we have harmed ourselves.   Step 9 was learning to identify when shame and guilt come up when looking back on those issues and to correct them.   Step 10 is learning to prevent self-criticism as new experiences happen.   It is being proactive, instead of letting those experiences become self-critical memories.

It is only by having gone through the other 9 steps that this step even becomes possible.   It is also very difficult.   Why?   Because none of us want to face when we are being self-critical.   I know it is ironic, but it is difficult to face the fact that we are self-critical without being self-critical.  Yet, we can do the same things we have done in the earlier steps.   We can choose to accept honestly, when the first inkling of self-criticism hits, that we are experiencing it, and can choose to change our thinking.

Like step 9, sometimes we build up the habit of categorizing experiences immediately in terms of negative self-thoughts and positive self-thoughts.  It is sometimes immediate, happening in a second.  We know immediately when we have said or done the wrong thing and we do everything in our power to apologize to ourselves and others before too much time has passed.

For example, I was talking with a friend and we were talking about getting chocolate and I said that it was a good mood-altering substance, realizing only then that my friend was bi-polar and might take that statement in the wrong way.   I could have reviewed this statement I made over and over again, blaming myself for my own stupidity over and over.   However, by stopping and realizing that I made a mistake, apologizing, and moving on, the self-criticism has no chance of becoming a reinforced cycle of criticism and shame and guilt.  Also, there are times that I think that I could have done something different, I could have treated myself better, better food or more exercise.   I stop and see that these are valid points, but that I have the opportunity to change my present behavior to be closer to what I desire for myself.   I see what needs to be changed (1st critical thought) and then choose to change it (Step 10).

Step 10 is really a consciousness raising step.  It is retraining our mind to no longer equate negative self-thoughts with self-criticism, but rather with acceptance, choice, and forgiveness.

Loving Yourself - Step 9

The ninth step is finally here.

To review:   The steps so far of Loving Yourself
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
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Step 9:  To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.

Do you notice that this 12-step blog has a lot to do with creating lists, looking at ourselves, and preventing self-critical thoughts from becoming Shame and Guilt.   Step 9 specifically looks at seeing and recognizing when that shame and guilt start coming up.

I am going to take a little different take on this step than usual.   I have the feeling that I am repeating myself a lot.  So here goes.

Why we experience shame and guilt?

We are believers in cause and effect. When something goes wrong, we want to know why. How did it happen? What went wrong? Could it have been prevented -- and if so, how? What could/should we have done differently?   Let's face it.  We want to blame somebody.   The closest person happens to be us.   Especially if we are honestly looking at our list.  


As a behavior pattern, guilt often becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: we do something, we feel guilty about it, we punish ourselves and, because we feel bad, we end up repeating our behavior at the next available opportunity.

The debilitating cycle of guilt continues largely because we do not take full responsibility for our actions or for changing our behavior. But how do we start the process of taking responsibility? By considering, with complete honesty, the part we play in any situation and accepting our role in creating events.

What can we do about changing those feelings?

The problem is that our habitual reactions to past regrets have become programmed.  Our shame and guilt are learned responses.  We change how we perceive, how we think, and how we react and we reduce that shame and guilt.

I have talked about choosing before to reduce self-criticism.   The same thing applies here.

Every time guilt or shame surfaces, stop;  take time, think, and then choose to think differently, to change your perspective.  How can these thoughts bring about something positive?

The easiest way to see how to do this is to give some examples of thoughts and conditions and how we can change our perspective on them.

"I shouldn't have gotten drunk and said those mean things to my friend!'

If you have ever said something that you regret to someone else, I mean really regret, it has a tendency to tear you up inside.   It sponsors thoughts like, "Will they ever forgive me?  Will they even like me?  How could I say something so cruel?"   All these thoughts bring about more guilt and shame.   These thoughts can be changed.

"OK; I got drunk and was cruel to my friend.   Now I have a reason to really talk with them and, if not mend the relationship, ask for forgiveness, at least open up the lines of communication."

"I should not have pushed all the people away in my life that were trying to get closer"

Self thoughts from this run the gambit from, "They will never want to get close now." or "I deserve to be as lonely as I am!"

How about changing those thoughts to ones like, "Like my loved ones, I can now reach out to them like they did to me and try to get closer.   I can ask for help from them and be a friend to them." 

See how shame and guilt have no place when you change these thoughts.   These feelings arise from fear.   When you choose and change to react with love, they go away.   When you find positive ways to react when you feel such feelings, the cycle of guilt is broken.  Not only that, the way to self-forgiveness, and self-growth lies open.








I look back and see that

Loving Yourself - Step 8

As I go through these steps, trying to spell out what I need in my own life in these blogs, they get more difficult.   I guess it is like life.  Step 8 is harder than step 7 and so forth.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
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Step 8:  To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them.

This step is different in several ways from the others.   It is the first time that we take action to prevent Guilt and Shame ruling our lives and preventing us and others from loving us.


Guilt and shame do not have a place in loving ourselves.   This is because both emotions motivate us to remove those thoughts that create the guilt and shame in the first place.   The faster the better.   Usually, this causes us to deny or ignore these thoughts or actions.  Thus, our ability to assess and address our moments of self-harm are short-circuited.

The only way to prevent that guilt and shame from doing this with all of our thoughts about how we may have harmed ourselves in the past, is to reveal and redress them.


1.  Reveal the harm we may have caused ourselves.

Self-harm in this sense does not mean intentionally injuring bodily tissues.   However, it may include this if it is part of your list.   What it does mean is any emotional, spiritual, mental or physical harm to self in which you  have intentionally participated.

When we make a list of those times we participated in self-harm there are a couple of things we need to keep in mind.


a.  Be firm but compassionate with ourselves.
b.  Avoid wallowing in guilt.
c.  Do not be obsessive.
d.  Do not become unduly entangled in irrelevancies or imagined shortcomings.
e.  In a quiet frame of mind, bring up these memories without emotion or self-judgment.
f.  The overall goal is to make our lists from a place of peace, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves.


We need to be open to that Greater Power as we work this step. Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done and anyone we've come in contact with. Much of what we're feeling  is undeserved guilt.  If we find ourselves enmeshed in this, we go back to Step 2, and remember that we are loved unconditionally, regardless of what we have ever done.

It is also a good idea to set a specified time to work on this list.   Allow no more than 45 minutes or an hour at any one time to go through this.   By spacing these times out we may prevent becoming obsessive about it.

We also need to be open to others, friends during this process.   Sometimes, we need to share what we have uncovered so see if they are actual moments of harmful behavior or if they are based on irrelevancies or irrational imaginings.

The most important thing to remember is to come from a place of peace and acceptance, and if leave this state, to stop and take time to bring us back to this state of reflection.

2.  Redress the harm we may have caused ourselves.

This Step calls for a change of heart. It asks us to drop our defenses, our protective devices, and to begin to seek peace and healing in our perceptions and relationship with ourselves.


In this way we can go down that list we have made and truly forgive ourselves for those actions.  Healing begins within us. It begins with a thought, a vision, a feeling of willingness. A process of healing and love begins when we make the decision to take care of ourselves and to come to a place of peace and acceptance for that younger self who participated in those behaviors.


Take this Step as soon as possible after making your list. Take it whenever bitterness, resentment, victimization, or fear enter in. Take it whenever we seek and desire peace and healing with ourselves and with others. We do not have to do this step too soon. We do not have to do it until we are ready. But we must do it to continue growing in self-love.
 
The end product of Step 8 is to reduce the guilt and blame we carry.  By taking responsibility, we get out of the victim role, and start seeing ourselves as co-authors, with that Greater Power, of our lives.

Loving Yourself - Step 7

On the continuing epic of Loving Yourself, here is the 7th installment.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.

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Step 7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.


In step 6, the need to include a Higher Power in any solution for dealing with the fears in our lives was addressed.   Step 7, actually trusting in that Higher Power to replace those root fears with the love we need to overcome them.


As part of a solution to overcome fears, not only is there a need for us to Choose to deal with them, but to Choose to believe that the love we need to address these fears is there, is available, is accessible.   That takes faith.   Perhaps the most difficult thing to do is to trust, to have faith in the Higher Power's ability to do this.


On the one hand, we have come to a point where we are ready to face our limitation on loving ourselves.  However, let me reiterate to myself, that only with the faith and behaviors which come out of that faith in a Higher Power will allow me to overcome my fears.


How do we have faith?


Wow.  This is a difficult question.   There is no easy answer to have faith.   However, there is a way to act as if we have faith.   If we tell ourselves that if we had faith, our solution to our fears would work in such and such a way.   Then, instead of dwelling on not having faith, we put that solution to work as if we already did have that faith.


To illustrate this, let's go back to my fear of not being loved.   This is a basic and root fear that strikes many many people.  I know from step 6, that the solution must include acting as if I am loved, regardless of the situation.  I know that I cannot do this.   I can choose to have faith that God will open up my heart and let me experience being loved, at any time, in any circumstance.

So instead of telling myself that I am loved, then trying to act toward others and myself that I am loved, I do the reverse.  I start by acting as if I am loved, and behaving as if I am always loved by that Higher Power.   Then my behaviors will start to convince my thoughts that this state of being loved is real.  Thus, behaviors affect thoughts which affect emotions, which affect thoughts, which affect behaviors.

The Higher Power is asked to help me act as if I have faith in that greater love, and again is asked to help my thoughts change to reflect those behaviors, and again asked to help change my emotions to reflect my thoughts.

This is such an important step in the 12-steps that I want to delineate it again, using thought, emotion and behavior.

Thoughts
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We can change our thoughts before our behaviors, but there are some things we must keep in mind.

1.  Our thoughts have an inertia.   Thinking in one way or another can create a pattern, a habit of thinking which can sometimes be very difficult to break.
2.  Sometimes thoughts are best changed by using some other tool than our own mind.  We can think differently.   Don't get me wrong.   Usually it just takes less effort to change some other experience and let our thoughts build and change off of that.
3.  By choosing to act differently, our mind has less opportunity to sabotage or own effort to change our thoughts.  This also means that we have less defenses up in relation to including God in all these efforts.

Emotions
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Our emotions change as we see the results of our different actions, alternate behaviors.   They also are reinforced by our changing thoughts.  The word "emotion" contains the root "motion". This is because emotions are motivating; they exist to push or lure us to move towards things we feel good about, and to want to avoid or escape from things we feel badly about.  In this context, we need to be aware of the following:

1.  Because emotions motivate us to behave in particular ways, sometimes with such intensity that thoughts and other rational considerations are pushed aside, the risk in dealing soley with them is that we end up behaving in ways we know are bad for us.

2.  Again, by using our behaviors to change our emotions, they become a thermostat, a yardstick, a measure of the degree to which we start to believe that we are being loved; that our actions are having the desired affect.   

Behaviors
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Just as behaviors can affect thoughts and emotions, so to do our changing thoughts and emotions change our behaviors.  It is a cycle that can begin at any point, but by beginning with behaviors, we are acting, we are doing, we are creating our actions.   This anyone can do.   Anyone can change a behavior.   You just act differently.   Not everyone can change or even knows how to change a thought, or choose to feel an emotion.

In my own case,
I act as if I am loved.  Therefore, in any situation where I would have acted like I had the fear of not being loved, I choose to act differently.   Once I am acting as if I do not have a fear of being loved, how I relate to others, and how other relate to me change.   These changes spark my emotions and thoughts to change.   These changes reinforce my behavior, and so on.

To place that Higher Power in context again:

1.  God provides the framework, the reinforcement, the ability to start changing our behaviors.
2.  God again is the conduit through which are behaviors start changing our thoughts.
3.  When our thoughts change, God again is the channel through which our emotions are sparked, changed.

This 7th step is the most challenging.   It actually asks for us to act as if we have faith in that Higher Power.   It asks that we behave in a way different than we may have ever done.

Loving Yourself - Step 6

I am finally on Step 6 of this 12-part blog.   Hope you enjoy.


To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
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Step 6:  To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.

So; why is step 6 and 7 separate?  It may seem that once we uncover our limitations, share them with others, become accountable, then we should go directly that higher power to overcome these limits, right?

Not so fast!   (I keep telling myself this!)

First, we must reflect on what fears define these limits.   Next, we take a look at what is necessary to overcome them.  Finally, we see how we and God can be a part of these solutions.   

For example, in middle school I was a geek and slightly overweight.   This is a deadly combination.    I was called every name in the book, made fun of, and developed a very poor self-image.   I could take this through all the steps, but what the moral inventory made me see about it was that this was based on the fear of not being loved by others.   This feeling, to a greater or lesser degree has been with me since then.

Reflecting on the fear of not being loved, what do I have control over; what can I do individually to address this problem?   What can others do?  What part needs to be given over a Higher Power?  

Individually, I have the choice on what to do with this feeling of not being loved, or the fear of such.   I can choose to feel it.   To spend my time and energy on re-experiencing these feelings, and dredging up memories which reinforce this.   Or, I could choose to seek the opinions and help of others, and that higher power.

That is it really.   The one thing I can always do with whatever limitation, fear, or obstacle is to CHOOSE how to respond to it.   The most important thing is to CHOOSE!

Now, I can take this fear and see how God can be a part of the solution.   The major thing I must caution against in this step is the tendency to think we can make those changes on our own.

Let's face it, this all ties back to the previous steps.   Besides the choice to do something about the fear, we need something to connect to that enables us, empowers us to follow through with that choice.   In this way, we become co-creators of our lives with God.

I have made the choice that I will turn back to what I know God see's in me, the degree to which God loves me, and uses others to continue to remind me of this.   God is always in my mind as I choose to overcome that fear of not being loved.   God is indelibly part of that process and never separate.

At the end of this step, I have the realization that my part in the process is to choose to overcome these fears and to choose to include God in every process.   When this happens, we are ready for the next step, actually welcoming that Higher Power in these processes.

Loving Yourself - Step 5

I know it has been a week, but this 12 part blog takes a lot of reflection before I even power up the computer.  

To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
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Step 5:  To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.

In order to start step 5, like step 4, it is a requirement to have at least reflected on the first four steps.  This is because, even though in step 4, we start taking a moral inventory of ourselves, this is just really just the prerequisite to bringing out what we find in that inventory and start doing something about it.

The core concern of step 5 is to bring out into the open the limits we find within ourselves that prevent us from experiencing unconditional love.   While this step is separated in three different declarations, it is really voicing those limitations to the agents, the powers, the players that affect and are affected my those limitations.   In other words, by speaking our limitations to God (the source of unconditional love), ourselves (the source of our limitations) and others (the mirror held before us to reveal the effects of both the unconditional love we experience and the limitations to that love we still have) we have brought those things into the light of day, given them a reality apart from ourselves.

1.  We admit our limitations at self-loving to God.

This is really the first time in the 12-step process that our Ego is addressed.  I am assuming that in step 1, 2, 3, and 4, we have come to understand truly that the only yardstick for unconditional love must be something greater than ourselves.   We all fall short of that love.  It is only feeding our ego if we believe otherwise.   We all fall short of that love.   In fact, we will always fall short of unconditional love, but, in the process, may increasingly love ourselves throughout the rest of our lives.

We admit to this greater power that we have a limitation.   This diffuses the ego.   It helps to prevent such ego-saving defenses such as denial, rationalization, repression, and blame (projecting to others).

This is a continuing process.  Everytime the ego comes up and tries to defend itself, we must again voice this reality that our limitations are actually our limitations.   Revealed humbly in all honesty.

2.  We admit our limitations at self-loving to ourselves.

So, we have redefined our limitations in the face of God, and now we admit to ourselves those redefined limitations to our-self.   Why?  


It may seem like we are playing hot-potato with the results of our moral inventory.  We are simply seeing that limitation to loving from the vantage point of that greater power, and then back to our point of perception.   This allows a realistic appraisal to begin of that limitation.  However, there is one more step to balance that point of perception.

3.  We admit our limitations at self-loving to another human-being.

We have identified a limitation.   Sharing it with a greater power has de-fanged our ego.  Now we tell it back to ourselves, ego-free (or at least ego-limited).   Now we must share it with another.   This is really difficult because we risk, for the first time, rejection.   The other we share it with may be someone we trust, so that risk is reduced.   It may be your best-friend or priest, or Imam or whatever.   The point of this step is to make a public declaration that we are aware of this limitation to loving ourselves.   For the first time, it makes us accountable to another.   Not that we have promised anything at this step, but rather, another now knows that we are becoming aware of our limitations.   They become a reminder to us that we have begun this process, and a reinforcement to continue it.

As an example of this; when I uncovered the reasons that I limit my own success.  I realized I am not afraid of success.   I am afraid of hard work and additional responsibilities, because I might fail.   This prevents me from expressing the gifts and talents, the works of which I am capable, and thus limits my own view of myself, my own self-love.   Many times, I came to this realization, but my ego instantly started making excuses for this.   I told myself for years that I did not need to be successful.   I didn't need a nice house, or great job, or many friends, or a good vehicle, or good family relationships, or any other relationships for that matter.   At other times, my ego rationalized my situation.   I was not in the position to be successful.   I didn't have enough money, power, prestige, self-confidence.   There was too much risk involved.   Trust me.   The ego can always come up with excuses to protect itself from any kind of criticism, including that from others and from yourself.   Once I shared this with God, I found that the more times I came to God, the less excuses I had, and the clearer my real fear and limitation became.   When I shared this with another friend, she validated that I, indeed, was facing this realistically.   Now when I talk to her, I am always reminded to talk from the real limitation, the real problem.   Then solutions that are created deal with the real limitation.

Loving Yourself - Step 4

Once more, another installment of the Loving Yourself 12 Step blog.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.

-----------------------------------------------

Step 4:  To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Why is this step step 4?   Why does it have to come after step 1, 2 and 3?   It is impossible to see ourselves in an honest and searching way without having the conviction that we and our self-worth have nothing to do with what others say, do or feel toward us and that we can, through choice, believe and feel that we are unconditionally loved.

The first part of this moral inventory is looking at ourselves.  Through the conviction of being unconditionally loved, this allows us to see where we do not measure up to our own greatest vision of ourselves, without spiraling out of control, down a slippery slope of self-blame, guilt or fear.  Beginning this process always brings up uncomfortable realizations, painful revelations. 

Without the the choice to believe in unconditional love we receive, those feelings will engender some blame, or self-criticism.   Instead of continuing the process of a moral inventory, we stop and retreat, we deny and repress, and feel even worse about ourselves.   The choice to see ourselves through the eyes of love allow us to feel those feelings and yet continue on, because we know that this is part of a process to make ourselves better.

Once we look at these qualities and actions within ourselves that are in conflict with our highest vision of who we wish to be, then we need feedback from others, to see if they are true shortcomings or irrational and untrue perceptions we have created.

For example, I have always seen myself as possessing a brilliant mind.   Looking at myself with honest eyes, I see that I am not as smart as I had always thought.  When I asked on of my genius friends, she agreed with me that I was not in the genius class.   Now, I could have thrown that back in her face, or denied it, thinking that she just didn't know me, but rather, I accepted it and saw that she was right.   

A door opened then to see that I had used the approval from others having to do with my intelligence to feed my self-esteem.   Therefore, I exaggerated my language, my manners, my conversation in such a way to highlight my intelligence.   I purposely cultivated this veneer of being a genius and (unconsciously) being better than anyone else in this way.  In the process, I was removing myself from others, making it harder to get to know me, and keeping people at arm's distance.   It was actually sabotaging my desire to be liked and accepted by others.  It was an unrealistic and irrational way to base my behavior.  Now, I can be sometimes smart and sometimes stupid, sometimes complex and ofttimes simple with people, and it feels much more natural, much more like me.

Sometimes, that moral inventory brings up things with which we are not able to deal.   Some things, some memories, some actions may require more than just ourselves. We can feel those overpowering feelings, feel anxious, even feel paralyzed if the issues are outside of our realm of coping.   This is when we need additional help, sometimes professional help.

This process can take a long time.   In fact, in some ways, it never ends.   But, it is the most important step to further our love for ourselves.  

Loving Yourself - Step 3

This is the third installment of the Loving Yourself 12 Step blog.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
-----------------------------------------------

Step 3:    Make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.

In step 2, the primary decision is to believe that there is a Power greater than myself that unconditionally loves me.  Step 3 is the decision to see myself as that power sees me.   This is much more challenging than step 2.

How do we see ourselves?   What influences shape what we see in the mirror?   What we feel in our heart?

It is so difficult because most of my views of myself have come from other people.   People have told me that I was cute, ugly, old, young, intelligent, stupid, visionary, head in the clouds, from another planet, good-smelling, bad-smelling, funny, sad.   I mean, with all the feedback I get from other people, who the hell should I think I am?  It is very confusing.

If you think about it, we are called every name in the book, every adjective in the language.   So why do we pay attention to some of these things and not others?  It is based on what image we have of ourselves.   In this case, to what we listen, pay attention, and believe that others have said about us match up with what we believe to exist in ourselves.  At the same time, what others say about us creates our self image.


Doesn't this seem like a crazy thing?   How I see myself shapes what and who  I listen to and what and who I listen to shapes how I see myself.

I have gone through periods in my life where I thought I was a wonderful conversationalist.   The few times that friends or acquaintances have said that I was hard to understand, wasn't communicating, or just wasn't making a connection with them, I ignored.   This wasn't the match for image I had of myself, so I shrugged it off.  On the other hand, I never considered myself that spiritual until enough people told me and showed me that I was always in touch with the idea of a greater power, and a world of belief and spirituality.   As this reinforcement continued, I believed even more that I was spiritually minded.

Why is it important to point these things out when I am talking about loving yourself and seeing yourself from the perspective of unconditional love?

Seeing yourself from the perspective of one who unconditionally loves you, helps to filter the feedback from others into the best, first image you have of yourself.   


When we see ourselves in relation to the other people in our life, it is very easy to get into a destructive cycle of accepting the criticism of others and then to be self-critical, causing our self-image to be more receptive to the criticism of others.   In fact, it may get to the point that we start taking the positive responses of others and twisting them to reinforce our own self-critical perception of ourselves.   It is a deadly cycle that ends in a fractured self and, more often than not, depression, despair, etc.

What is great about starting with a structure that is based on seeing us from a perspective of unconditional love is that when we receive criticism, or even neutral responses from people, they are now examined in light of the choice to see them and accept them through the lenses of that love.  In this structure, forgiveness, acceptance, healthy reflection and contemplation can occur instead of self-criticism, self-hate, injured feelings, shame or guilt.

More conscious and reflective self-evaluation stops the immediate and impulsive interpretation of other's views about you from being irrational, unrealistic, uninformed, and damaging.

Choosing to believe and see yourself through the eyes of unconditional love allow you to contemplate and process the opinions and feedback from others, without it becoming an immediate self-criticism or with us rejecting neutral or even good feedback outright. 

If I believe that I am loved, and that nothing and no one can stop or alter that unconditional love I receive from that Higher Power, then everything that I am shown from others about myself, looses it's ability to injure, incite, or even influence me unless I choose to allow it.


In addition, from this perspective, the feedback we get from others that is not in conjuction with our opinion of ourselves can be contemplated.   I see myself as having these qualities, but this other person shows me that their perceptions do not match up.   Is it true?   If it is, does it show me that while I am intending to be this way, I can be better.   Notice I do not use self-criticism.   I do not tell myself how stupid I am for not being where I wish to be.   Since this feedback does not attack my ego, and the reassurance of love give me patience with myself, I have the time and emotional-distance enough to really process these things.   Are they true?   Do they show me ways that I can be even better than I am now?

Loving Yourself - Step 2

And the Saga Continues....

This blog is part 2 of a 12 part blog on loving myself (and perhaps yourself) better.


To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
-----------------------------------------------


Step - 2   Believe in a Power greater than ourselves that loves us regardless of anything we do.

I saw a story from CourtTV about a father who faced his daughter's killer, a man who drove drunk and crashed into her car.   What is amazing about this is that at the end of the trial, right before the man was sentenced to jail, the father came up to him and said that he forgives him for the death of his daughter.  You should have seen the look of shock on the drunk driver's face.   He was stunned.   Being led away in handcuffs, he never lost that look of complete surprise.

I don't think this man would have been more astonished if green men from outer space, materialized in the middle of the court room.   He was given a look into not only forgiveness, but of love.   Perhaps for the first time in his life, it was unmerited, no strings, no requirements, no contracts, undeserved.

Now why is this step separate from step number 3?   They are broken apart because what must happen first is that we choose to believe that there is undeserved and unconditional love and that it comes always from a place, a person, a figure, a God, a power that is larger than ourselves.   After believing, then we can respond.   Not before.

I know in my own case, I have answered the question as to whether a greater power unconditionally loves me very quickly and with a resounding "Yes."   But hold on.     The first relationships that I had, that modeled this love were from my parents.   They were good relationships, but regardless, were between human being with all the failures and limitations of human beings.   I learned that love from a mother and father were great, but still limited.   I could see God as a parent and that is about as far as my conception and understanding of that Divine Love went for many many years.

However, when I went to college I learned that a few people had horrific parents and an abusive childhood.   One woman seemed to have a great and abiding faith, a surety of the love of God, though so few people modeled it in her life.   When I asked how she believed this, she said that one night she was going to end her life, and in the moments before slitting her wrists, she prayed to God that she could feel love even one time in her life before she died.    In a moment, she said that she was filled with a sense of peace and love that she had never experienced before.   It swelled within her, and consequently, saved her life.   She related that from that point on, she knew things could be better because she was loved by at least one person in her life.

I was so humbled by this.   Looking at my own conceptions of that unconditional love, mine was limited, even with loving relationships in my early life.   Hers was radiant and sure.

What I am learning, what I am choosing to believe every hour of every day is that unconditional love.  Notice that I am choosing to believe this many times a day.   This is not a one time statement of faith, of statement of belief.   It is a process.   It is a declaration of thought, feeling, and being that must be made continuously.

I go backward if I do not choose to believe that a greater power loves me unconditionally.   I go back into those patterns of belief where that love is only as good as the love that has been modeled for me in my life.   It is easy to fall back into the habit of experiencing limited love.   It is too easy.


Choose to believe in a love greater than any of which you can conceive.   Choose to place no limits on that love, none whatsoever!

So...what does this mean?

It means that I choose to visualize, to feel, to be open to a love that springs from a never ending source.

If I stand under a waterfall, and I choose to whip out an umbrella to stop the flow of water, do you think I will stay dry?   Not likely.   In fact, the force of that water will whip that umbrella away quick.  If I choose to hold my past behaviors up as a shield from unconditional love, what happens?  The love still comes like a flood, like a waterfall.   My shield doesn't stop the love coming into my life.   It only prevents me from recognizing it for what it is.  I get wet, and yet I stand, screaming to the world and to myself that I am dry; that I do not deserve the water coming down, and therefore refuse to feel the water coursing over me.

At the moment I choose to believe in this love, I feel the water, I feel the power from the source.   I no longer deny or ignore it.   That is why I must continuously choose to believe.

Choose to believe that there is nothing that prevents this love from your life.  None.

Not murder!
Not stealing!
Not hurting another!
Not hurting yourself!
Not the worst evil you think you may have done!
Not abandoning a child, a parent, a grandparent, a friend!
Not drugs or alcohol!
Not pride!
Not crushing the competition!
Not lying!
Not betraying another!
Not cheating!
Not hating!
Not beating!
Not being beaten!
Not abusing another!
Not being abused!

This love is unconditional.   No limits exist.  You cannot prevent this unconditional love from loving you!  No matter what you do, you are loved.  Now...believe it!

Loving Yourself - Step 1

This is a continuation of the blog I did last on loving yourself.   I am committed to a 12-blog explanation of this process of loving myself (or yourself).

As each step comes up, the previous steps will be listed, and you can start to see how they all come together by the end of the 12th step.

Step 1 - We admit we are powerless over what others think of us.

I don't know about you, but I like to try to make things better.   When I see something that is inefficient, or broken, I want to make it work better!   I do not know where this came from in my life.   I have always been a kind of efficiency expert when looking at systems or infrastructures or systemic problems.   Do you know, that I am also this way with people. 

When I get feedback from someone that a relationship, friendship, or any kind of interaction isn't going well, I want to jump in with both feet and make it better.    The most extreme version of this happens when I find out the relationship that is not going so well is with me!

My first thought when I receive information that someone doesn't like what I am doing, or who I am being is that I can fix it.   I can change.   No problem.   This is something that I can do and that person will like me again!

So, I change the way I speak.   No go.   The other person still thinks I am stuck up and opinionated.
So, I drop some of my larger words and forgo nine out of ten of my own opinions.   I am more quiet.
Then the other person thinks that I am moody.  Then I decide to smile all the time.   The other now thinks I am "Creepy."

How about this scenario.

I am asked, during a dinner party with very conservative friends, what I feel about the whole same sex marriage in the Lutheran Church.  I want to say all those things about justice, and that I cannot be in a position to judge others without limiting myself.  I start to say these things and suddenly, two people start quoting Bible verses and challenging my own beliefs.   So, I do not want to be disliked, and I take a slightly more conservative continuation of my beliefs.  So now, not only do I not feel totally accepted by these people, but I feel bad because I do not stick to my guns on my own beliefs.

I AM TRAPPED INTO BELIEVING I CAN CHANGE HOW OTHERS THINK OF ME!

Whenever I believe these things and I act on them, I am always dissapointed that I cannot change others opinions and in trying to do so, I cannot please myself.

This is one of the most important parts of loving yourself.    

Stop believing that you can are only worthy of loving yourself if others love you!

This is a destructive cycle.    It feeds into the myth that you need to feel loved and appreciated, heck even liked by all others to feel that you are someone who deserved to be loved and to love.  STOP IT!

What happens is that you cannot (I cannot) please everyone.   Therefore, when someone is not pleased, I feel like I have failed and therefore I feel like I am a failure.   This is not self-love!

If you are in a relationship and it fails, then it is so easy to think that you are just not worthy of being loved.   It was your fault.   It was that you were not strong enough, wise enough, loved the other enough.   KNOCK IT OFF!!!!

Do you know that no one can generate your feelings of love for them unless you agree to it.   What this means is that you are the source of all of your feelings for another.   You decide, when the relationship or friendship is goings well, that you deserve to feel happy and loved.  SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL!  If things are not going well, then you feel that you should be sad, despondent, angry, and not loved.   SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL!   You are the source of everything you feel.   You are the reason that you feel loved or not.

Now, I do not want to diminish in the least the importance of other people and their feedback and impact on our lives.   Not at all.   We only see ourselves in relation to other people.   We define what and who we are by seeing who and what others are.    However; and I cannot stress this enough, you choose how you see yourself.   Others do not choose for you!  You choose to love yourself and to what degree.   It is always your choice.    You may be influenced by others and their opinion of you, but it is always your choice.

Love Yourself - Again

So many self-help books say that the number one problem with people is that they do not love themselves.

Yet, what does this really mean?   How do we love ourselves?

Do we think that in loving ourselves that we cater to our every whim?   

Isn't this what we are tempted to do when we fall in love with another, or even have a crush on another?   No task is too small, no favor to large to gain the good graces of the one in whom we are interested.   

So if I love myself, I am going to go out and treat myself to a large Mocha Coffee with extra chocolate syrup and sprinkles even though I am a diabetic!   I am going to go buy the latest video game console on the market even though I already have a huge credit card debt.  I am going to come home and just veg out for hours in front of the TV even though the smell from the garbage is enough to knock out a skunk!

Now what if we think that loving ourselves means protecting ourselves from pain, disappointment, or discomfort?   

Therefore, I am going to avoid situations that may be physically, emotionally, or spiritually painful!  Right?   I mean, no one in their right mind would purposely seek out situations in which they can get hurt?   I will not go back to dating after my divorce!   I will avoid that High School Reunion because I put on 40 lbs since then!  I will not open up my heart to another just to have it broken again!   

How about the conditional love we have for ourselves?

I will love me when I get healthy!   I will love me when I have that face lift.   Finally, these saddlebags are gone and now I can love myself!   When I find a woman who loves me, then I will love myself!   When my sister forgives me, or my brother forgives me, then I will love myself.

It seems that answering the question as to how we can love ourselves is anything but clear.

Yet, we can take a couple pages out of the AA and other 12-step programs to help love ourselves in realistic and appropriate ways:

(My own refined 12-steps for loving myself!)

1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To ready to face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them.
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admitted it.
11. To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.

Art and Emotions - The Prodigal Son

I have rarely related my blog post to the graphic that I am using that day.   However, this particular graphic is a bit different.  Sometimes my expression in art is a reflection of how I am feeling when it is created.   Other times, like this one, it is the reverse.  

When I completed this graphic, it was not because I was feeling bright, shiny, or particularly positive.   Yet, looking at it caused me to become just that.   Something resonates with me when I see it.   Sadly, few of my creations do this.   But occasionally, they do.

Other works of art resonate with me as well.

Whenever I look at Rembrandt’s painting: The Prodigal Son, I get a wash of emotions from it.   If you have never seen it, look it up.   The father is putting his hands around his lost son, while the other sons, some distance off, have looks from disgust to joy at his return.  

It is profound it that it brings me to the point of joy when I look at it from the father's perspective.  Some deep seated wish has finally been granted, a lost connection reestablished, a family put back together.   Also, when I put myself  in the role of the son, I feel like hope has come again, forgiveness.   Just imagine being so lost, alone, full of shame that you would be willing to be a slave to your family just to have a place to call home.   Yet, in that moment of not even being able to hope for the least crumb from the table, you get the feast.   All is forgiven and you have found that you are home.  From the perspective of the other brothers that stayed home; one is angry because of the perceived injustice, another might be confused at his father's actions.  I have had the same thoughts, the same anger and the same confusion.   I have felt at the wrong end of justice, and deeply confused by the actions of others.  

However, let me have someone else tell you their reaction to this work of art:

When the famous author Henri Nouwen saw the Prodigal Son painting in the St Petersburg Hermitage, he was struck  by the sight of  "a man in a great red cloak tenderly touching the shoulders of a disheveled boy kneeling before him.  I could not take my eyes away.  I felt drawn by the intimacy between the two figures, the warm red of the man’s cloak, the golden yellow of the boy’s tunic, and the mysterious light engulfing them both.  But, most of all, it was the hands --the old man’s hands--as they touched the boy’s shoulders that reached me in a place where I had never been reached before.  ..."  Nouwen realized that Rembrandt must have shed many tears and died many deaths before he could have so exquisitely painted the father’s heart for his lost son.  Rembrandt  had once again painted himself as the Prodigal Son, but this time coming back home to his Father.  - Reverend Ed Hird

Capacity vs. Potential

Potential: 

1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential problem.

2. Having possibility, capability, or power.

 

Capacity:

1. The ability to receive, hold, or absorb.

2. The maximum amount that can be contained: 

3. Ability to perform or produce; capability.

Have you ever been told that you have great potential?   Potential?   Having potential for something is really the propensity for developing something that does not yet exist.  When someone says that you have potential, it may be that they see something in you that may attract something greater, later on.

Now, I do not mean to be negative about potential.   Or using potential as a way of complimenting someone.   On the positive side, you can see potential in someone like electrical potential.   When something is charged, like storm-clouds, there are several million electron volts of potential contained in that cloud.   Nothing may happen with this charge.   Or this charge may be slowly dissipated over time.   However, just the right conditions come up and suddenly, there is a flash of lightning, a crack of thunder.   This is potential.   In people, potential can mean the same thing.   Everything is there for something to happen, and just the right conditions may bring it out.  

I have heard so many stories of people who nobody thought would come through in a tough time, show courage, wisdom, love and compassion more so than they have ever done so.  A lightning release of their potential for being better than they were.

On the other hand, if we were to hear someone say to us that they see the capacity for something, it has a slightly different meaning.   If a truck has the capacity for 13 gallons in the gas tank, then it can contain 13 gallons.   Nothing stops it from doing so.   It was build that way.   However, if a truck has the potential for holding 15 gallons, it means that I have to go back to the dealer and get another gas tank that can contain two more gallons.   If a person has the capacity to do something, they already have the ability, but it may not be fully realized or fully used yet.

A great example of this concept is when Jesus told his disciples that they would heal the sick, give sight to the blind, perform miracles in his name.   This is a statement of capacity.   They may not have believed it, but Jesus saw that they had within them the ability to do these things. 

I know that I have the potential to live a fearless life.
I hope that I may come to believe that I have the capacity to live fearlessly.

I know that I have the potential to make love the cornerstone of every decision in my life.
I am beginning to believe that I have the capacity to make love the root of every decision.

I know that I have the potential to be a great teacher.
Slowly, I am realizing that I have the capacity to teach.

Potential - what may be, the lightning waiting to strike.
Capacity - what is, but may be better, bigger, more fully realized.

Stand back for my Imagination

One of my dearest friend's daughter once declared, with arms open wide, "Stand back for my imagination!"   What a statement to the world!

Imagination, when we are young, transports us to new worlds, new ways of perceiving this world, or as yet undiscovered ways of seeing ourselves.    Imagination allows the thoughts we think to create the emotions we feel, and to motivate us to act on these two.

As an adult, I find that my imagination to be a necessary part of my waking life.    It is the bridge between what I think of myself, and the vision, the daydream or the visualization of who I wish to be and the actions to get me there.  

I am sure that you have heard many a motivational speaker say things like, "If you can dream it, you can do it!", or "Your imagination is the only limit to your accomplishments!"   "What you think you can do, you can do!"   All of these are tied to the ability to envision yourself doing these things.  

I talked with a martial art master and he related to me what went through his mind when he broke boards at an exhibition.   He said, "I see my hand not as a hand but as an extension of the Chi energy.   It is that energy of life which goes through the board.   My hand simply follows it through."   In his case, he imagined this.  One can say that his imagination became stronger than his doubt of breaking the board.   Thus, the board broke.

Imagination also allows me to consider possibilities, where logic and reason might have swayed me to not believe before.   Who of us have never wanted the ability to speak with animals?  How about the ability to be invisible, or to levitate, or to walk through walls?   There is the child in us that wants to be able to do these things, or at the least, to live in a world where these things are possible.   Why not?

In my investigations into major world religion's holy figures, I have found that many of the saints, there are eyewitness accounts of such people speaking to animals, walking into a building and not being seen, levitating, and even walking through walls.   It is my imagination that allows me to not totally discount these accounts, but rather to admit that I live in a world where these things are at least possible.   Without imagination, I would not be able to do that.

Sometimes imagination is so strong that it changes reality.   There was a medical case at Duke University, where a man came in, an immigrant from Haiti, that presented with lowered pulse, low blood pressure, a continually dropping body tempurature, and a failing heart.   The doctors could not find out what was causing this.   While talking with the patient they found out that he had been cursed by a Voodoo priest for leaving the country and he was told that he would be dead within 6 months if he did not return to his country.  At the time of his admission, five of those six months were already gone.  As a last straw attempt to save his life, the doctors got a hold of another Haitian Voodoo Priest and had him come to the hospital and remove the curse that was on this man.   The moment the curse was lifted, the man's vital signs stabilized, his core temp went up, and his heart resumed a normal sinus rhythm.   He was discharged a few days later with no symptoms.  

Imagination is very powerful.   It is the bridge, the energy to bring into existence those things which we may dare to imagine.

Thought, Word and Deed = Happiness

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
- Ghandi


We have all heard about thought, word and deed.   It seems like it is the trinity of action, much like the trinity of God.


We may even say that God the Father is the thought, God the Son is the word, God the Spirit is the deed.   Thus, we, liek God, are creators and we manifest that creation in terms of:


Thought - we conceptualize, we envision, we put into mental pictures what we wish to have come into our lives.

Word - we utter, make sounds, voice words that bring those thoughts into existence in the form of vibrations and thus they interact with the world.   They are received by others, heard by ourselves, emanate outward in energy which, while it gets weaker with distance, never stops spreading out into the world.


Deed - we move huge amounts of dense energy (physical matter, our bodies, the physical world) in order to build or fulfill that word, put substance to that creative thought.


So why did Ghandi say that happiness is when these three are in conjunction?


Happiness is the accomplishment of realizing the person we wish to be; our highest concept of ourselves.


What happens to short-circuit that happiness is that we change our thoughts by the second, we say things that derail our manifestations and we do things that are in-congruent with the people we wish to be.


Let us say that I had the idea that I am a man of peace.   Sounds simple, right?   

What would a man of peace do?  In all situations, he would ask himself, "is this the way of peace?   Is what I am about to do something that will add to my chaos, discomfort, disharmony, or that of others?   If this is so, I need to change my thought, before it becomes voiced and definitely before it becomes an action.  However, my mind will flit between several interpretations of what it means to have peaceful thoughts.   Does it mean that I must silence those thoughts that have mostly peace but include some non-peaceful components?   How about thinking of a course of action that disarms or incapacitates those people or ideas that detract from peace?   I can't even make up my mind.   


Then the time comes that I voice something.   Is it the well thought out conceptualization of those actions that will lead to peace or do I just say something like, "I don't know!" or "Ummmmm." as I wait for that clarity of thought and word.   Perhaps I just say, "OK.  That sounds good" when someone else offers their opinion on my actions.


Even if that conceptualization of peace and the words of peace match in that instance, what about the deeds?  Let us say that I am determined to be a peacemaker, regardless of my thoughts toward someone else that causes nothing but turmoil in my life.   I approach them and try to communicate the desire for us to make a connection, to bridge a gap, to understand one another better and how we affect each other's lives.   Then they insult us, or push our buttons, and WHAM....My thoughts become defensive, injured, my words burst forth, insulting them back, and I physically distance myself, or perhaps even push the other person away.


The whole thought, word and deed concept, I myself, has changed on each level in this one instance.   As long as I continue to change any part of the three and not stick to those three manifestations, I lack happiness.   I have failed to act on, speak on, and think of myself in the highest conceptualization of myself.   I am not happy.


However, If I have the thought that I am a peacemaker, I continue to speak words of peace and reconciliation, forgiveness and requests for forgiveness, and I take actions to always be available, calm, and open to the other person who may have caused turmoil in my life, then eventually, regardless of the actions of the other person, I am being a peacemaker in relation to that other person.   I am being a peacemaker.   I am being the highest concept of who I wish to be.   This is happiness.