On the continuing epic of Loving Yourself, here is the 7th installment.
To review: The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
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Step 7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
In step 6, the need to include a Higher Power in any solution for dealing with the fears in our lives was addressed. Step 7, actually trusting in that Higher Power to replace those root fears with the love we need to overcome them.
As part of a solution to overcome fears, not only is there a need for us to Choose to deal with them, but to Choose to believe that the love we need to address these fears is there, is available, is accessible. That takes faith. Perhaps the most difficult thing to do is to trust, to have faith in the Higher Power's ability to do this.
On the one hand, we have come to a point where we are ready to face our limitation on loving ourselves. However, let me reiterate to myself, that only with the faith and behaviors which come out of that faith in a Higher Power will allow me to overcome my fears.
How do we have faith?
Wow. This is a difficult question. There is no easy answer to have faith. However, there is a way to act as if we have faith. If we tell ourselves that if we had faith, our solution to our fears would work in such and such a way. Then, instead of dwelling on not having faith, we put that solution to work as if we already did have that faith.
To illustrate this, let's go back to my fear of not being loved. This is a basic and root fear that strikes many many people. I know from step 6, that the solution must include acting as if I am loved, regardless of the situation. I know that I cannot do this. I can choose to have faith that God will open up my heart and let me experience being loved, at any time, in any circumstance.
So instead of telling myself that I am loved, then trying to act toward others and myself that I am loved, I do the reverse. I start by acting as if I am loved, and behaving as if I am always loved by that Higher Power. Then my behaviors will start to convince my thoughts that this state of being loved is real. Thus, behaviors affect thoughts which affect emotions, which affect thoughts, which affect behaviors.
The Higher Power is asked to help me act as if I have faith in that greater love, and again is asked to help my thoughts change to reflect those behaviors, and again asked to help change my emotions to reflect my thoughts.
This is such an important step in the 12-steps that I want to delineate it again, using thought, emotion and behavior.
Thoughts
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We can change our thoughts before our behaviors, but there are some things we must keep in mind.
1. Our thoughts have an inertia. Thinking in one way or another can create a pattern, a habit of thinking which can sometimes be very difficult to break.
2. Sometimes thoughts are best changed by using some other tool than our own mind. We can think differently. Don't get me wrong. Usually it just takes less effort to change some other experience and let our thoughts build and change off of that.
3. By choosing to act differently, our mind has less opportunity to sabotage or own effort to change our thoughts. This also means that we have less defenses up in relation to including God in all these efforts.
Emotions
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Our emotions change as we see the results of our different actions, alternate behaviors. They also are reinforced by our changing thoughts. The word "emotion" contains the root "motion". This is because emotions are motivating; they exist to push or lure us to move towards things we feel good about, and to want to avoid or escape from things we feel badly about. In this context, we need to be aware of the following:
1. Because emotions motivate us to behave in particular ways, sometimes with such intensity that thoughts and other rational considerations are pushed aside, the risk in dealing soley with them is that we end up behaving in ways we know are bad for us.
2. Again, by using our behaviors to change our emotions, they become a thermostat, a yardstick, a measure of the degree to which we start to believe that we are being loved; that our actions are having the desired affect.
Behaviors
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Just as behaviors can affect thoughts and emotions, so to do our changing thoughts and emotions change our behaviors. It is a cycle that can begin at any point, but by beginning with behaviors, we are acting, we are doing, we are creating our actions. This anyone can do. Anyone can change a behavior. You just act differently. Not everyone can change or even knows how to change a thought, or choose to feel an emotion.
In my own case,
I act as if I am loved. Therefore, in any situation where I would have acted like I had the fear of not being loved, I choose to act differently. Once I am acting as if I do not have a fear of being loved, how I relate to others, and how other relate to me change. These changes spark my emotions and thoughts to change. These changes reinforce my behavior, and so on.
To place that Higher Power in context again:
1. God provides the framework, the reinforcement, the ability to start changing our behaviors.
2. God again is the conduit through which are behaviors start changing our thoughts.
3. When our thoughts change, God again is the channel through which our emotions are sparked, changed.
This 7th step is the most challenging. It actually asks for us to act as if we have faith in that Higher Power. It asks that we behave in a way different than we may have ever done.
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