Loving Yourself - Step 4

Once more, another installment of the Loving Yourself 12 Step blog.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.

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Step 4:  To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Why is this step step 4?   Why does it have to come after step 1, 2 and 3?   It is impossible to see ourselves in an honest and searching way without having the conviction that we and our self-worth have nothing to do with what others say, do or feel toward us and that we can, through choice, believe and feel that we are unconditionally loved.

The first part of this moral inventory is looking at ourselves.  Through the conviction of being unconditionally loved, this allows us to see where we do not measure up to our own greatest vision of ourselves, without spiraling out of control, down a slippery slope of self-blame, guilt or fear.  Beginning this process always brings up uncomfortable realizations, painful revelations. 

Without the the choice to believe in unconditional love we receive, those feelings will engender some blame, or self-criticism.   Instead of continuing the process of a moral inventory, we stop and retreat, we deny and repress, and feel even worse about ourselves.   The choice to see ourselves through the eyes of love allow us to feel those feelings and yet continue on, because we know that this is part of a process to make ourselves better.

Once we look at these qualities and actions within ourselves that are in conflict with our highest vision of who we wish to be, then we need feedback from others, to see if they are true shortcomings or irrational and untrue perceptions we have created.

For example, I have always seen myself as possessing a brilliant mind.   Looking at myself with honest eyes, I see that I am not as smart as I had always thought.  When I asked on of my genius friends, she agreed with me that I was not in the genius class.   Now, I could have thrown that back in her face, or denied it, thinking that she just didn't know me, but rather, I accepted it and saw that she was right.   

A door opened then to see that I had used the approval from others having to do with my intelligence to feed my self-esteem.   Therefore, I exaggerated my language, my manners, my conversation in such a way to highlight my intelligence.   I purposely cultivated this veneer of being a genius and (unconsciously) being better than anyone else in this way.  In the process, I was removing myself from others, making it harder to get to know me, and keeping people at arm's distance.   It was actually sabotaging my desire to be liked and accepted by others.  It was an unrealistic and irrational way to base my behavior.  Now, I can be sometimes smart and sometimes stupid, sometimes complex and ofttimes simple with people, and it feels much more natural, much more like me.

Sometimes, that moral inventory brings up things with which we are not able to deal.   Some things, some memories, some actions may require more than just ourselves. We can feel those overpowering feelings, feel anxious, even feel paralyzed if the issues are outside of our realm of coping.   This is when we need additional help, sometimes professional help.

This process can take a long time.   In fact, in some ways, it never ends.   But, it is the most important step to further our love for ourselves.