Loving Yourself - Step 9

The ninth step is finally here.

To review:   The steps so far of Loving Yourself
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
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Step 9:  To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.

Do you notice that this 12-step blog has a lot to do with creating lists, looking at ourselves, and preventing self-critical thoughts from becoming Shame and Guilt.   Step 9 specifically looks at seeing and recognizing when that shame and guilt start coming up.

I am going to take a little different take on this step than usual.   I have the feeling that I am repeating myself a lot.  So here goes.

Why we experience shame and guilt?

We are believers in cause and effect. When something goes wrong, we want to know why. How did it happen? What went wrong? Could it have been prevented -- and if so, how? What could/should we have done differently?   Let's face it.  We want to blame somebody.   The closest person happens to be us.   Especially if we are honestly looking at our list.  


As a behavior pattern, guilt often becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: we do something, we feel guilty about it, we punish ourselves and, because we feel bad, we end up repeating our behavior at the next available opportunity.

The debilitating cycle of guilt continues largely because we do not take full responsibility for our actions or for changing our behavior. But how do we start the process of taking responsibility? By considering, with complete honesty, the part we play in any situation and accepting our role in creating events.

What can we do about changing those feelings?

The problem is that our habitual reactions to past regrets have become programmed.  Our shame and guilt are learned responses.  We change how we perceive, how we think, and how we react and we reduce that shame and guilt.

I have talked about choosing before to reduce self-criticism.   The same thing applies here.

Every time guilt or shame surfaces, stop;  take time, think, and then choose to think differently, to change your perspective.  How can these thoughts bring about something positive?

The easiest way to see how to do this is to give some examples of thoughts and conditions and how we can change our perspective on them.

"I shouldn't have gotten drunk and said those mean things to my friend!'

If you have ever said something that you regret to someone else, I mean really regret, it has a tendency to tear you up inside.   It sponsors thoughts like, "Will they ever forgive me?  Will they even like me?  How could I say something so cruel?"   All these thoughts bring about more guilt and shame.   These thoughts can be changed.

"OK; I got drunk and was cruel to my friend.   Now I have a reason to really talk with them and, if not mend the relationship, ask for forgiveness, at least open up the lines of communication."

"I should not have pushed all the people away in my life that were trying to get closer"

Self thoughts from this run the gambit from, "They will never want to get close now." or "I deserve to be as lonely as I am!"

How about changing those thoughts to ones like, "Like my loved ones, I can now reach out to them like they did to me and try to get closer.   I can ask for help from them and be a friend to them." 

See how shame and guilt have no place when you change these thoughts.   These feelings arise from fear.   When you choose and change to react with love, they go away.   When you find positive ways to react when you feel such feelings, the cycle of guilt is broken.  Not only that, the way to self-forgiveness, and self-growth lies open.








I look back and see that