Loving Yourself - Step 8

As I go through these steps, trying to spell out what I need in my own life in these blogs, they get more difficult.   I guess it is like life.  Step 8 is harder than step 7 and so forth.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
-----------------------------------------------

Step 8:  To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them.

This step is different in several ways from the others.   It is the first time that we take action to prevent Guilt and Shame ruling our lives and preventing us and others from loving us.


Guilt and shame do not have a place in loving ourselves.   This is because both emotions motivate us to remove those thoughts that create the guilt and shame in the first place.   The faster the better.   Usually, this causes us to deny or ignore these thoughts or actions.  Thus, our ability to assess and address our moments of self-harm are short-circuited.

The only way to prevent that guilt and shame from doing this with all of our thoughts about how we may have harmed ourselves in the past, is to reveal and redress them.


1.  Reveal the harm we may have caused ourselves.

Self-harm in this sense does not mean intentionally injuring bodily tissues.   However, it may include this if it is part of your list.   What it does mean is any emotional, spiritual, mental or physical harm to self in which you  have intentionally participated.

When we make a list of those times we participated in self-harm there are a couple of things we need to keep in mind.


a.  Be firm but compassionate with ourselves.
b.  Avoid wallowing in guilt.
c.  Do not be obsessive.
d.  Do not become unduly entangled in irrelevancies or imagined shortcomings.
e.  In a quiet frame of mind, bring up these memories without emotion or self-judgment.
f.  The overall goal is to make our lists from a place of peace, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves.


We need to be open to that Greater Power as we work this step. Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done and anyone we've come in contact with. Much of what we're feeling  is undeserved guilt.  If we find ourselves enmeshed in this, we go back to Step 2, and remember that we are loved unconditionally, regardless of what we have ever done.

It is also a good idea to set a specified time to work on this list.   Allow no more than 45 minutes or an hour at any one time to go through this.   By spacing these times out we may prevent becoming obsessive about it.

We also need to be open to others, friends during this process.   Sometimes, we need to share what we have uncovered so see if they are actual moments of harmful behavior or if they are based on irrelevancies or irrational imaginings.

The most important thing to remember is to come from a place of peace and acceptance, and if leave this state, to stop and take time to bring us back to this state of reflection.

2.  Redress the harm we may have caused ourselves.

This Step calls for a change of heart. It asks us to drop our defenses, our protective devices, and to begin to seek peace and healing in our perceptions and relationship with ourselves.


In this way we can go down that list we have made and truly forgive ourselves for those actions.  Healing begins within us. It begins with a thought, a vision, a feeling of willingness. A process of healing and love begins when we make the decision to take care of ourselves and to come to a place of peace and acceptance for that younger self who participated in those behaviors.


Take this Step as soon as possible after making your list. Take it whenever bitterness, resentment, victimization, or fear enter in. Take it whenever we seek and desire peace and healing with ourselves and with others. We do not have to do this step too soon. We do not have to do it until we are ready. But we must do it to continue growing in self-love.
 
The end product of Step 8 is to reduce the guilt and blame we carry.  By taking responsibility, we get out of the victim role, and start seeing ourselves as co-authors, with that Greater Power, of our lives.