Loving Yourself - Step 5

I know it has been a week, but this 12 part blog takes a lot of reflection before I even power up the computer.  

To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
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Step 5:  To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.

In order to start step 5, like step 4, it is a requirement to have at least reflected on the first four steps.  This is because, even though in step 4, we start taking a moral inventory of ourselves, this is just really just the prerequisite to bringing out what we find in that inventory and start doing something about it.

The core concern of step 5 is to bring out into the open the limits we find within ourselves that prevent us from experiencing unconditional love.   While this step is separated in three different declarations, it is really voicing those limitations to the agents, the powers, the players that affect and are affected my those limitations.   In other words, by speaking our limitations to God (the source of unconditional love), ourselves (the source of our limitations) and others (the mirror held before us to reveal the effects of both the unconditional love we experience and the limitations to that love we still have) we have brought those things into the light of day, given them a reality apart from ourselves.

1.  We admit our limitations at self-loving to God.

This is really the first time in the 12-step process that our Ego is addressed.  I am assuming that in step 1, 2, 3, and 4, we have come to understand truly that the only yardstick for unconditional love must be something greater than ourselves.   We all fall short of that love.  It is only feeding our ego if we believe otherwise.   We all fall short of that love.   In fact, we will always fall short of unconditional love, but, in the process, may increasingly love ourselves throughout the rest of our lives.

We admit to this greater power that we have a limitation.   This diffuses the ego.   It helps to prevent such ego-saving defenses such as denial, rationalization, repression, and blame (projecting to others).

This is a continuing process.  Everytime the ego comes up and tries to defend itself, we must again voice this reality that our limitations are actually our limitations.   Revealed humbly in all honesty.

2.  We admit our limitations at self-loving to ourselves.

So, we have redefined our limitations in the face of God, and now we admit to ourselves those redefined limitations to our-self.   Why?  


It may seem like we are playing hot-potato with the results of our moral inventory.  We are simply seeing that limitation to loving from the vantage point of that greater power, and then back to our point of perception.   This allows a realistic appraisal to begin of that limitation.  However, there is one more step to balance that point of perception.

3.  We admit our limitations at self-loving to another human-being.

We have identified a limitation.   Sharing it with a greater power has de-fanged our ego.  Now we tell it back to ourselves, ego-free (or at least ego-limited).   Now we must share it with another.   This is really difficult because we risk, for the first time, rejection.   The other we share it with may be someone we trust, so that risk is reduced.   It may be your best-friend or priest, or Imam or whatever.   The point of this step is to make a public declaration that we are aware of this limitation to loving ourselves.   For the first time, it makes us accountable to another.   Not that we have promised anything at this step, but rather, another now knows that we are becoming aware of our limitations.   They become a reminder to us that we have begun this process, and a reinforcement to continue it.

As an example of this; when I uncovered the reasons that I limit my own success.  I realized I am not afraid of success.   I am afraid of hard work and additional responsibilities, because I might fail.   This prevents me from expressing the gifts and talents, the works of which I am capable, and thus limits my own view of myself, my own self-love.   Many times, I came to this realization, but my ego instantly started making excuses for this.   I told myself for years that I did not need to be successful.   I didn't need a nice house, or great job, or many friends, or a good vehicle, or good family relationships, or any other relationships for that matter.   At other times, my ego rationalized my situation.   I was not in the position to be successful.   I didn't have enough money, power, prestige, self-confidence.   There was too much risk involved.   Trust me.   The ego can always come up with excuses to protect itself from any kind of criticism, including that from others and from yourself.   Once I shared this with God, I found that the more times I came to God, the less excuses I had, and the clearer my real fear and limitation became.   When I shared this with another friend, she validated that I, indeed, was facing this realistically.   Now when I talk to her, I am always reminded to talk from the real limitation, the real problem.   Then solutions that are created deal with the real limitation.