Loving Yourself - Step 4

Once more, another installment of the Loving Yourself 12 Step blog.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.

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Step 4:  To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Why is this step step 4?   Why does it have to come after step 1, 2 and 3?   It is impossible to see ourselves in an honest and searching way without having the conviction that we and our self-worth have nothing to do with what others say, do or feel toward us and that we can, through choice, believe and feel that we are unconditionally loved.

The first part of this moral inventory is looking at ourselves.  Through the conviction of being unconditionally loved, this allows us to see where we do not measure up to our own greatest vision of ourselves, without spiraling out of control, down a slippery slope of self-blame, guilt or fear.  Beginning this process always brings up uncomfortable realizations, painful revelations. 

Without the the choice to believe in unconditional love we receive, those feelings will engender some blame, or self-criticism.   Instead of continuing the process of a moral inventory, we stop and retreat, we deny and repress, and feel even worse about ourselves.   The choice to see ourselves through the eyes of love allow us to feel those feelings and yet continue on, because we know that this is part of a process to make ourselves better.

Once we look at these qualities and actions within ourselves that are in conflict with our highest vision of who we wish to be, then we need feedback from others, to see if they are true shortcomings or irrational and untrue perceptions we have created.

For example, I have always seen myself as possessing a brilliant mind.   Looking at myself with honest eyes, I see that I am not as smart as I had always thought.  When I asked on of my genius friends, she agreed with me that I was not in the genius class.   Now, I could have thrown that back in her face, or denied it, thinking that she just didn't know me, but rather, I accepted it and saw that she was right.   

A door opened then to see that I had used the approval from others having to do with my intelligence to feed my self-esteem.   Therefore, I exaggerated my language, my manners, my conversation in such a way to highlight my intelligence.   I purposely cultivated this veneer of being a genius and (unconsciously) being better than anyone else in this way.  In the process, I was removing myself from others, making it harder to get to know me, and keeping people at arm's distance.   It was actually sabotaging my desire to be liked and accepted by others.  It was an unrealistic and irrational way to base my behavior.  Now, I can be sometimes smart and sometimes stupid, sometimes complex and ofttimes simple with people, and it feels much more natural, much more like me.

Sometimes, that moral inventory brings up things with which we are not able to deal.   Some things, some memories, some actions may require more than just ourselves. We can feel those overpowering feelings, feel anxious, even feel paralyzed if the issues are outside of our realm of coping.   This is when we need additional help, sometimes professional help.

This process can take a long time.   In fact, in some ways, it never ends.   But, it is the most important step to further our love for ourselves.  

Loving Yourself - Step 3

This is the third installment of the Loving Yourself 12 Step blog.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
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Step 3:    Make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.

In step 2, the primary decision is to believe that there is a Power greater than myself that unconditionally loves me.  Step 3 is the decision to see myself as that power sees me.   This is much more challenging than step 2.

How do we see ourselves?   What influences shape what we see in the mirror?   What we feel in our heart?

It is so difficult because most of my views of myself have come from other people.   People have told me that I was cute, ugly, old, young, intelligent, stupid, visionary, head in the clouds, from another planet, good-smelling, bad-smelling, funny, sad.   I mean, with all the feedback I get from other people, who the hell should I think I am?  It is very confusing.

If you think about it, we are called every name in the book, every adjective in the language.   So why do we pay attention to some of these things and not others?  It is based on what image we have of ourselves.   In this case, to what we listen, pay attention, and believe that others have said about us match up with what we believe to exist in ourselves.  At the same time, what others say about us creates our self image.


Doesn't this seem like a crazy thing?   How I see myself shapes what and who  I listen to and what and who I listen to shapes how I see myself.

I have gone through periods in my life where I thought I was a wonderful conversationalist.   The few times that friends or acquaintances have said that I was hard to understand, wasn't communicating, or just wasn't making a connection with them, I ignored.   This wasn't the match for image I had of myself, so I shrugged it off.  On the other hand, I never considered myself that spiritual until enough people told me and showed me that I was always in touch with the idea of a greater power, and a world of belief and spirituality.   As this reinforcement continued, I believed even more that I was spiritually minded.

Why is it important to point these things out when I am talking about loving yourself and seeing yourself from the perspective of unconditional love?

Seeing yourself from the perspective of one who unconditionally loves you, helps to filter the feedback from others into the best, first image you have of yourself.   


When we see ourselves in relation to the other people in our life, it is very easy to get into a destructive cycle of accepting the criticism of others and then to be self-critical, causing our self-image to be more receptive to the criticism of others.   In fact, it may get to the point that we start taking the positive responses of others and twisting them to reinforce our own self-critical perception of ourselves.   It is a deadly cycle that ends in a fractured self and, more often than not, depression, despair, etc.

What is great about starting with a structure that is based on seeing us from a perspective of unconditional love is that when we receive criticism, or even neutral responses from people, they are now examined in light of the choice to see them and accept them through the lenses of that love.  In this structure, forgiveness, acceptance, healthy reflection and contemplation can occur instead of self-criticism, self-hate, injured feelings, shame or guilt.

More conscious and reflective self-evaluation stops the immediate and impulsive interpretation of other's views about you from being irrational, unrealistic, uninformed, and damaging.

Choosing to believe and see yourself through the eyes of unconditional love allow you to contemplate and process the opinions and feedback from others, without it becoming an immediate self-criticism or with us rejecting neutral or even good feedback outright. 

If I believe that I am loved, and that nothing and no one can stop or alter that unconditional love I receive from that Higher Power, then everything that I am shown from others about myself, looses it's ability to injure, incite, or even influence me unless I choose to allow it.


In addition, from this perspective, the feedback we get from others that is not in conjuction with our opinion of ourselves can be contemplated.   I see myself as having these qualities, but this other person shows me that their perceptions do not match up.   Is it true?   If it is, does it show me that while I am intending to be this way, I can be better.   Notice I do not use self-criticism.   I do not tell myself how stupid I am for not being where I wish to be.   Since this feedback does not attack my ego, and the reassurance of love give me patience with myself, I have the time and emotional-distance enough to really process these things.   Are they true?   Do they show me ways that I can be even better than I am now?

Loving Yourself - Step 2

And the Saga Continues....

This blog is part 2 of a 12 part blog on loving myself (and perhaps yourself) better.


To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
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Step - 2   Believe in a Power greater than ourselves that loves us regardless of anything we do.

I saw a story from CourtTV about a father who faced his daughter's killer, a man who drove drunk and crashed into her car.   What is amazing about this is that at the end of the trial, right before the man was sentenced to jail, the father came up to him and said that he forgives him for the death of his daughter.  You should have seen the look of shock on the drunk driver's face.   He was stunned.   Being led away in handcuffs, he never lost that look of complete surprise.

I don't think this man would have been more astonished if green men from outer space, materialized in the middle of the court room.   He was given a look into not only forgiveness, but of love.   Perhaps for the first time in his life, it was unmerited, no strings, no requirements, no contracts, undeserved.

Now why is this step separate from step number 3?   They are broken apart because what must happen first is that we choose to believe that there is undeserved and unconditional love and that it comes always from a place, a person, a figure, a God, a power that is larger than ourselves.   After believing, then we can respond.   Not before.

I know in my own case, I have answered the question as to whether a greater power unconditionally loves me very quickly and with a resounding "Yes."   But hold on.     The first relationships that I had, that modeled this love were from my parents.   They were good relationships, but regardless, were between human being with all the failures and limitations of human beings.   I learned that love from a mother and father were great, but still limited.   I could see God as a parent and that is about as far as my conception and understanding of that Divine Love went for many many years.

However, when I went to college I learned that a few people had horrific parents and an abusive childhood.   One woman seemed to have a great and abiding faith, a surety of the love of God, though so few people modeled it in her life.   When I asked how she believed this, she said that one night she was going to end her life, and in the moments before slitting her wrists, she prayed to God that she could feel love even one time in her life before she died.    In a moment, she said that she was filled with a sense of peace and love that she had never experienced before.   It swelled within her, and consequently, saved her life.   She related that from that point on, she knew things could be better because she was loved by at least one person in her life.

I was so humbled by this.   Looking at my own conceptions of that unconditional love, mine was limited, even with loving relationships in my early life.   Hers was radiant and sure.

What I am learning, what I am choosing to believe every hour of every day is that unconditional love.  Notice that I am choosing to believe this many times a day.   This is not a one time statement of faith, of statement of belief.   It is a process.   It is a declaration of thought, feeling, and being that must be made continuously.

I go backward if I do not choose to believe that a greater power loves me unconditionally.   I go back into those patterns of belief where that love is only as good as the love that has been modeled for me in my life.   It is easy to fall back into the habit of experiencing limited love.   It is too easy.


Choose to believe in a love greater than any of which you can conceive.   Choose to place no limits on that love, none whatsoever!

So...what does this mean?

It means that I choose to visualize, to feel, to be open to a love that springs from a never ending source.

If I stand under a waterfall, and I choose to whip out an umbrella to stop the flow of water, do you think I will stay dry?   Not likely.   In fact, the force of that water will whip that umbrella away quick.  If I choose to hold my past behaviors up as a shield from unconditional love, what happens?  The love still comes like a flood, like a waterfall.   My shield doesn't stop the love coming into my life.   It only prevents me from recognizing it for what it is.  I get wet, and yet I stand, screaming to the world and to myself that I am dry; that I do not deserve the water coming down, and therefore refuse to feel the water coursing over me.

At the moment I choose to believe in this love, I feel the water, I feel the power from the source.   I no longer deny or ignore it.   That is why I must continuously choose to believe.

Choose to believe that there is nothing that prevents this love from your life.  None.

Not murder!
Not stealing!
Not hurting another!
Not hurting yourself!
Not the worst evil you think you may have done!
Not abandoning a child, a parent, a grandparent, a friend!
Not drugs or alcohol!
Not pride!
Not crushing the competition!
Not lying!
Not betraying another!
Not cheating!
Not hating!
Not beating!
Not being beaten!
Not abusing another!
Not being abused!

This love is unconditional.   No limits exist.  You cannot prevent this unconditional love from loving you!  No matter what you do, you are loved.  Now...believe it!

Loving Yourself - Step 1

This is a continuation of the blog I did last on loving yourself.   I am committed to a 12-blog explanation of this process of loving myself (or yourself).

As each step comes up, the previous steps will be listed, and you can start to see how they all come together by the end of the 12th step.

Step 1 - We admit we are powerless over what others think of us.

I don't know about you, but I like to try to make things better.   When I see something that is inefficient, or broken, I want to make it work better!   I do not know where this came from in my life.   I have always been a kind of efficiency expert when looking at systems or infrastructures or systemic problems.   Do you know, that I am also this way with people. 

When I get feedback from someone that a relationship, friendship, or any kind of interaction isn't going well, I want to jump in with both feet and make it better.    The most extreme version of this happens when I find out the relationship that is not going so well is with me!

My first thought when I receive information that someone doesn't like what I am doing, or who I am being is that I can fix it.   I can change.   No problem.   This is something that I can do and that person will like me again!

So, I change the way I speak.   No go.   The other person still thinks I am stuck up and opinionated.
So, I drop some of my larger words and forgo nine out of ten of my own opinions.   I am more quiet.
Then the other person thinks that I am moody.  Then I decide to smile all the time.   The other now thinks I am "Creepy."

How about this scenario.

I am asked, during a dinner party with very conservative friends, what I feel about the whole same sex marriage in the Lutheran Church.  I want to say all those things about justice, and that I cannot be in a position to judge others without limiting myself.  I start to say these things and suddenly, two people start quoting Bible verses and challenging my own beliefs.   So, I do not want to be disliked, and I take a slightly more conservative continuation of my beliefs.  So now, not only do I not feel totally accepted by these people, but I feel bad because I do not stick to my guns on my own beliefs.

I AM TRAPPED INTO BELIEVING I CAN CHANGE HOW OTHERS THINK OF ME!

Whenever I believe these things and I act on them, I am always dissapointed that I cannot change others opinions and in trying to do so, I cannot please myself.

This is one of the most important parts of loving yourself.    

Stop believing that you can are only worthy of loving yourself if others love you!

This is a destructive cycle.    It feeds into the myth that you need to feel loved and appreciated, heck even liked by all others to feel that you are someone who deserved to be loved and to love.  STOP IT!

What happens is that you cannot (I cannot) please everyone.   Therefore, when someone is not pleased, I feel like I have failed and therefore I feel like I am a failure.   This is not self-love!

If you are in a relationship and it fails, then it is so easy to think that you are just not worthy of being loved.   It was your fault.   It was that you were not strong enough, wise enough, loved the other enough.   KNOCK IT OFF!!!!

Do you know that no one can generate your feelings of love for them unless you agree to it.   What this means is that you are the source of all of your feelings for another.   You decide, when the relationship or friendship is goings well, that you deserve to feel happy and loved.  SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL!  If things are not going well, then you feel that you should be sad, despondent, angry, and not loved.   SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL!   You are the source of everything you feel.   You are the reason that you feel loved or not.

Now, I do not want to diminish in the least the importance of other people and their feedback and impact on our lives.   Not at all.   We only see ourselves in relation to other people.   We define what and who we are by seeing who and what others are.    However; and I cannot stress this enough, you choose how you see yourself.   Others do not choose for you!  You choose to love yourself and to what degree.   It is always your choice.    You may be influenced by others and their opinion of you, but it is always your choice.

Love Yourself - Again

So many self-help books say that the number one problem with people is that they do not love themselves.

Yet, what does this really mean?   How do we love ourselves?

Do we think that in loving ourselves that we cater to our every whim?   

Isn't this what we are tempted to do when we fall in love with another, or even have a crush on another?   No task is too small, no favor to large to gain the good graces of the one in whom we are interested.   

So if I love myself, I am going to go out and treat myself to a large Mocha Coffee with extra chocolate syrup and sprinkles even though I am a diabetic!   I am going to go buy the latest video game console on the market even though I already have a huge credit card debt.  I am going to come home and just veg out for hours in front of the TV even though the smell from the garbage is enough to knock out a skunk!

Now what if we think that loving ourselves means protecting ourselves from pain, disappointment, or discomfort?   

Therefore, I am going to avoid situations that may be physically, emotionally, or spiritually painful!  Right?   I mean, no one in their right mind would purposely seek out situations in which they can get hurt?   I will not go back to dating after my divorce!   I will avoid that High School Reunion because I put on 40 lbs since then!  I will not open up my heart to another just to have it broken again!   

How about the conditional love we have for ourselves?

I will love me when I get healthy!   I will love me when I have that face lift.   Finally, these saddlebags are gone and now I can love myself!   When I find a woman who loves me, then I will love myself!   When my sister forgives me, or my brother forgives me, then I will love myself.

It seems that answering the question as to how we can love ourselves is anything but clear.

Yet, we can take a couple pages out of the AA and other 12-step programs to help love ourselves in realistic and appropriate ways:

(My own refined 12-steps for loving myself!)

1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To ready to face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them.
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admitted it.
11. To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.

Art and Emotions - The Prodigal Son

I have rarely related my blog post to the graphic that I am using that day.   However, this particular graphic is a bit different.  Sometimes my expression in art is a reflection of how I am feeling when it is created.   Other times, like this one, it is the reverse.  

When I completed this graphic, it was not because I was feeling bright, shiny, or particularly positive.   Yet, looking at it caused me to become just that.   Something resonates with me when I see it.   Sadly, few of my creations do this.   But occasionally, they do.

Other works of art resonate with me as well.

Whenever I look at Rembrandt’s painting: The Prodigal Son, I get a wash of emotions from it.   If you have never seen it, look it up.   The father is putting his hands around his lost son, while the other sons, some distance off, have looks from disgust to joy at his return.  

It is profound it that it brings me to the point of joy when I look at it from the father's perspective.  Some deep seated wish has finally been granted, a lost connection reestablished, a family put back together.   Also, when I put myself  in the role of the son, I feel like hope has come again, forgiveness.   Just imagine being so lost, alone, full of shame that you would be willing to be a slave to your family just to have a place to call home.   Yet, in that moment of not even being able to hope for the least crumb from the table, you get the feast.   All is forgiven and you have found that you are home.  From the perspective of the other brothers that stayed home; one is angry because of the perceived injustice, another might be confused at his father's actions.  I have had the same thoughts, the same anger and the same confusion.   I have felt at the wrong end of justice, and deeply confused by the actions of others.  

However, let me have someone else tell you their reaction to this work of art:

When the famous author Henri Nouwen saw the Prodigal Son painting in the St Petersburg Hermitage, he was struck  by the sight of  "a man in a great red cloak tenderly touching the shoulders of a disheveled boy kneeling before him.  I could not take my eyes away.  I felt drawn by the intimacy between the two figures, the warm red of the man’s cloak, the golden yellow of the boy’s tunic, and the mysterious light engulfing them both.  But, most of all, it was the hands --the old man’s hands--as they touched the boy’s shoulders that reached me in a place where I had never been reached before.  ..."  Nouwen realized that Rembrandt must have shed many tears and died many deaths before he could have so exquisitely painted the father’s heart for his lost son.  Rembrandt  had once again painted himself as the Prodigal Son, but this time coming back home to his Father.  - Reverend Ed Hird

Capacity vs. Potential

Potential: 

1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential problem.

2. Having possibility, capability, or power.

 

Capacity:

1. The ability to receive, hold, or absorb.

2. The maximum amount that can be contained: 

3. Ability to perform or produce; capability.

Have you ever been told that you have great potential?   Potential?   Having potential for something is really the propensity for developing something that does not yet exist.  When someone says that you have potential, it may be that they see something in you that may attract something greater, later on.

Now, I do not mean to be negative about potential.   Or using potential as a way of complimenting someone.   On the positive side, you can see potential in someone like electrical potential.   When something is charged, like storm-clouds, there are several million electron volts of potential contained in that cloud.   Nothing may happen with this charge.   Or this charge may be slowly dissipated over time.   However, just the right conditions come up and suddenly, there is a flash of lightning, a crack of thunder.   This is potential.   In people, potential can mean the same thing.   Everything is there for something to happen, and just the right conditions may bring it out.  

I have heard so many stories of people who nobody thought would come through in a tough time, show courage, wisdom, love and compassion more so than they have ever done so.  A lightning release of their potential for being better than they were.

On the other hand, if we were to hear someone say to us that they see the capacity for something, it has a slightly different meaning.   If a truck has the capacity for 13 gallons in the gas tank, then it can contain 13 gallons.   Nothing stops it from doing so.   It was build that way.   However, if a truck has the potential for holding 15 gallons, it means that I have to go back to the dealer and get another gas tank that can contain two more gallons.   If a person has the capacity to do something, they already have the ability, but it may not be fully realized or fully used yet.

A great example of this concept is when Jesus told his disciples that they would heal the sick, give sight to the blind, perform miracles in his name.   This is a statement of capacity.   They may not have believed it, but Jesus saw that they had within them the ability to do these things. 

I know that I have the potential to live a fearless life.
I hope that I may come to believe that I have the capacity to live fearlessly.

I know that I have the potential to make love the cornerstone of every decision in my life.
I am beginning to believe that I have the capacity to make love the root of every decision.

I know that I have the potential to be a great teacher.
Slowly, I am realizing that I have the capacity to teach.

Potential - what may be, the lightning waiting to strike.
Capacity - what is, but may be better, bigger, more fully realized.

Stand back for my Imagination

One of my dearest friend's daughter once declared, with arms open wide, "Stand back for my imagination!"   What a statement to the world!

Imagination, when we are young, transports us to new worlds, new ways of perceiving this world, or as yet undiscovered ways of seeing ourselves.    Imagination allows the thoughts we think to create the emotions we feel, and to motivate us to act on these two.

As an adult, I find that my imagination to be a necessary part of my waking life.    It is the bridge between what I think of myself, and the vision, the daydream or the visualization of who I wish to be and the actions to get me there.  

I am sure that you have heard many a motivational speaker say things like, "If you can dream it, you can do it!", or "Your imagination is the only limit to your accomplishments!"   "What you think you can do, you can do!"   All of these are tied to the ability to envision yourself doing these things.  

I talked with a martial art master and he related to me what went through his mind when he broke boards at an exhibition.   He said, "I see my hand not as a hand but as an extension of the Chi energy.   It is that energy of life which goes through the board.   My hand simply follows it through."   In his case, he imagined this.  One can say that his imagination became stronger than his doubt of breaking the board.   Thus, the board broke.

Imagination also allows me to consider possibilities, where logic and reason might have swayed me to not believe before.   Who of us have never wanted the ability to speak with animals?  How about the ability to be invisible, or to levitate, or to walk through walls?   There is the child in us that wants to be able to do these things, or at the least, to live in a world where these things are possible.   Why not?

In my investigations into major world religion's holy figures, I have found that many of the saints, there are eyewitness accounts of such people speaking to animals, walking into a building and not being seen, levitating, and even walking through walls.   It is my imagination that allows me to not totally discount these accounts, but rather to admit that I live in a world where these things are at least possible.   Without imagination, I would not be able to do that.

Sometimes imagination is so strong that it changes reality.   There was a medical case at Duke University, where a man came in, an immigrant from Haiti, that presented with lowered pulse, low blood pressure, a continually dropping body tempurature, and a failing heart.   The doctors could not find out what was causing this.   While talking with the patient they found out that he had been cursed by a Voodoo priest for leaving the country and he was told that he would be dead within 6 months if he did not return to his country.  At the time of his admission, five of those six months were already gone.  As a last straw attempt to save his life, the doctors got a hold of another Haitian Voodoo Priest and had him come to the hospital and remove the curse that was on this man.   The moment the curse was lifted, the man's vital signs stabilized, his core temp went up, and his heart resumed a normal sinus rhythm.   He was discharged a few days later with no symptoms.  

Imagination is very powerful.   It is the bridge, the energy to bring into existence those things which we may dare to imagine.

Thought, Word and Deed = Happiness

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
- Ghandi


We have all heard about thought, word and deed.   It seems like it is the trinity of action, much like the trinity of God.


We may even say that God the Father is the thought, God the Son is the word, God the Spirit is the deed.   Thus, we, liek God, are creators and we manifest that creation in terms of:


Thought - we conceptualize, we envision, we put into mental pictures what we wish to have come into our lives.

Word - we utter, make sounds, voice words that bring those thoughts into existence in the form of vibrations and thus they interact with the world.   They are received by others, heard by ourselves, emanate outward in energy which, while it gets weaker with distance, never stops spreading out into the world.


Deed - we move huge amounts of dense energy (physical matter, our bodies, the physical world) in order to build or fulfill that word, put substance to that creative thought.


So why did Ghandi say that happiness is when these three are in conjunction?


Happiness is the accomplishment of realizing the person we wish to be; our highest concept of ourselves.


What happens to short-circuit that happiness is that we change our thoughts by the second, we say things that derail our manifestations and we do things that are in-congruent with the people we wish to be.


Let us say that I had the idea that I am a man of peace.   Sounds simple, right?   

What would a man of peace do?  In all situations, he would ask himself, "is this the way of peace?   Is what I am about to do something that will add to my chaos, discomfort, disharmony, or that of others?   If this is so, I need to change my thought, before it becomes voiced and definitely before it becomes an action.  However, my mind will flit between several interpretations of what it means to have peaceful thoughts.   Does it mean that I must silence those thoughts that have mostly peace but include some non-peaceful components?   How about thinking of a course of action that disarms or incapacitates those people or ideas that detract from peace?   I can't even make up my mind.   


Then the time comes that I voice something.   Is it the well thought out conceptualization of those actions that will lead to peace or do I just say something like, "I don't know!" or "Ummmmm." as I wait for that clarity of thought and word.   Perhaps I just say, "OK.  That sounds good" when someone else offers their opinion on my actions.


Even if that conceptualization of peace and the words of peace match in that instance, what about the deeds?  Let us say that I am determined to be a peacemaker, regardless of my thoughts toward someone else that causes nothing but turmoil in my life.   I approach them and try to communicate the desire for us to make a connection, to bridge a gap, to understand one another better and how we affect each other's lives.   Then they insult us, or push our buttons, and WHAM....My thoughts become defensive, injured, my words burst forth, insulting them back, and I physically distance myself, or perhaps even push the other person away.


The whole thought, word and deed concept, I myself, has changed on each level in this one instance.   As long as I continue to change any part of the three and not stick to those three manifestations, I lack happiness.   I have failed to act on, speak on, and think of myself in the highest conceptualization of myself.   I am not happy.


However, If I have the thought that I am a peacemaker, I continue to speak words of peace and reconciliation, forgiveness and requests for forgiveness, and I take actions to always be available, calm, and open to the other person who may have caused turmoil in my life, then eventually, regardless of the actions of the other person, I am being a peacemaker in relation to that other person.   I am being a peacemaker.   I am being the highest concept of who I wish to be.   This is happiness.

"You're just being too sensitive!"

"You're just being too sensitive!"

Oftentimes, this kind of thing is said when we say something to someone and they take it much harder than we intended it to be taken.    Yet, to defend ourselves, we put it on them that they are too sensitive.   Yes, i myself am guilty of this more than once.   And you know what, I am sensitive.

I really think I need to look at this whole sensitivity thing a bit closer.

I think to some degree that everyone has sensitivities in certain areas of their life.   Usually, it has to do with some emotional situation that occurred in their past, or that they have caused or been caused to feel some intense emotion, physical pain, or spiritual angst.

Emotional sensitivity is very common.   Oftentimes, when we are talking with people, we notice that certain subjects are avoided by people.   They become quiet, or change the subject very quickly, or become suddenly defensive.   We almost expect this.   In fact, when conversation is so easy and effortless and it seems that no topic is uncomfortable or off-limits, that we ourselves start feeling a little uncomfortable.   We are guarded or reserved and feel bad that we cannot return the open and honest and unguarded conversation of the other.

Emotional sensitivity also means that there are more direct connections to that other person's emotions in some areas that others.   The normal defenses are not working.   The level and speed with which these emotions can be accessed and are expressed are out of proportion with the others.   If we are goodd listeners, and good friends, these areas are sometimes portals into a deeper understanding of another

Physical sensitivity is also very common.   People who have had injuries, or some physical trauma, or emotional trauma that is triggered by a physical sensation, reaction, or condition, also are protective and sometimes defensive about these areas.   For example, when I was overweight, and tried to hide my gut (which was very large) I would not allow people to touch my stomach.   I was not aware of it, but I would block people from even getting near my stomach.   I also has a triple fracture in my foot and for months later, I was very careful about even touching my own foot.   It was in my awareness all the time.   People pick up on this.   Some people we consider "touchy" usually have a good reason.   Victims of physical abuse, or traumatic injury usually are very sensitive about being touched. 

In some recovery programs for people who have gone through traumatic physical events, there are such things as rebirthing events and other touch intensive therapies.   Ironically, several of these techniques also help getting over emotional traumas as well. 

Spiritual sensitivity is a tricky one.   Though, in my own experience, I would say that his is more common than the other two.   We have all had experiences that can be interpreted as either very normal, realistic, logical, explainable, and grounded.   Conversely, other experiences we may consider otherworldly, spiritual, existential, unreal, and nebulous.   These experiences can be as traumatic or more so than emotional or physical events.   Most people with whom I have talked about spirituality are extremely touchy about this.   I have been touchy about this myself.   Many people are very sensitive about their spirituality their entire lives.   There are fewer resources to explore, get in touch with, and work through our spiritual sensitivities.   For physical and emotional sensitivities, there are medical, holistic, psychological,  social and may other avenues for understanding and addressing these sensitivities.

Being sensitive is not bad or good.   I guess I may have painted it as only being related to traumas or bad things happening.   This is not true.   There are times of intense physical, emotional and spiritual events that are enormously positive.

The easiest example of physical positive sensitivity is of course, physical pleasure.   Some pleasure is so enormously fulfilling that once we experience it, we change the course of our lives so that we can experience it again.   (No....I am not just talking about sex.)  There are adherents to some Yoga philosophies and practices because they wish to recapture the physical, transcendent states that they human body can get into.  

Emotionally, crushes are a great example of positive sensitivities.   Our senses seem more alive, we notice all the small and subtle things about the other person.  

Spiritually, there have been mountain-top experiences that have changed a person's life, and sometimes an entire country's or church's history.

The common thread through all these areas of sensitivity is that they are more direct connections to the senses, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs of people.   If treated with respect, they are very effective avenues to get to know and love another person for who they are.   If disrespected, they can be relationship and friendship killers.

I guess I just had to explore this sensitivity question.   Consider it my own sensitivity training.

Observations from a Recovering Intensaholic!

Again, the deep end.

I am an intensaholic.  I am addicted to being intense.   Take it from me; do not stay in the deep end all the time!

Most people cannot sustain that intensity and attribute lasting and deep significance to everything that happens.  Normally, people experience a life-altering experience and they temporarily become intense.   Eventually, they revert back to a normal level.

It is good to visit the deep end from time to time.   It alters the way we view the world and does make us appreciative of the little things in life, and of the people who deserve our appreciation.   Do not stay in this place!   People are meant to cycle from one level to another; never being in one state or another for very long.

I have lived at this level of moment to moment significance, attributing vast meaning to almost every occurrence in my life.  There are some shortcomings.

By choosing to live each moment in this way I miss the moments that mean nothing more than that I can enjoy people's quirks, mannerisms, faults, and idiosyncrasies that make relationships so rich in the first place.  If I do not take these at face value, read too much into these actions, then the spontaneity and joy is lost.   Sometimes a joke is a joke, and a silly comment is a silly comment.   No one likes their trivial offerings to be taken as some huge, significant truth or observation.   It spoils the ability for others to be themselves and to be spontaneous in their dealings with me.

While I feel comfortable being intense most of the time, other people begin to feel a little "creepy" around me.   I do not blame them.   If I looked at myself with the intense focus that I give to others, I would be "creeped" out too.    There are times when we like to have someone's undivided attention.   It makes us feel valued and that someone listens to us.   When we wish to be ignored, to not have that focus on us, then when someone like me locks my eyes on them, they want to leave the area.   It has happened many times.

Being intense also means that when I do not have a target for that intensity, it turns inward.   Then instead of seeing significance in everything that others do, I attribute too much and too many times, incorrect attributions to my own thoughts and actions.   It is like being on trial and you are your own persecutor, judge and jury.

As this blog started out stating, I am a recovering Intensiholic.

So from me to you.....

"Every moment is pregnant with significance; but, even pregnancies have their lighter side!"

The Deep End - Watch Out

On numerous occasions, I have been so caught up in living in the deep end, that I have forgot that it is in the deep end that I and others can drown.

For example, years ago, when I was out of college, had a job with the state, a place of my own, I tried dating.   Yes, even me.

There was one lady with whom I started a wonderful email conversation.   Several emails into it and I thought it was headed toward something, though I had never met her in person.   She was a friend of a friend.   That kind of thing.

On the fourth email, something just happened to my self-governor and all these weighty matters, opinions, and intense perceptions just came out.   All communication ceased on her part.    I wrote another couple of emails, asking after her, but nothing.

I looked over that email, and put myself in her shoes.   What seemed to be a light and humorous exchange of ideas in the past 3 emails was overcome by this serious monologue that showed a person, not light and pleasant but deep and brooding.   I was astonished that this email even came from me.  

I got to the point that I was comfortable enough to launch myself into the deep end.   She was not in the same place.   Later, I learned that she had met someone else, not long after this email.   Such is life.

The point of this little sojourn into my past is that I was so excited about sharing my deep feelings and thoughts with someone that I bypassed that little thing called small-talk.   I did not wait until both people in the relationship were comfortable with this intensity, but only waited until I was comfortable.

A few years later, I was on the opposite end of this experience.

I met the sister of one of my friends at the state.   She was wickedly intelligence.   I love intelligent women.  She not only got all of my second and third related quotes, humor, insights, etc., but she blew me out of the water with some of hers.   The first date was fantastic.   I could live in the deep end with ease with this person.   Or so I thought.

It quickly became apparent that she placed so much significance in absolutely everything that I said and did and that she took life so seriously that I was the one who tried to lighten things up.   I told jokes, quips, puns.   I tried to change the subject on multiple occasion when things were getting too intense.   It just so happened that circumstances changed in such a way that she left for another city and we stopped talking. 

From these two experiences, I can finally see that small-talk, humor, light conversation and fun is so important because even I (who have lived in the deep end most of my life) need to paddle and splash in the shallow end from time to time.

Every moment is pregnant with significance.   But even pregnancy has its funny points (or so I have heard).

Sudden Happenings

 

Sometimes things happen so fast that we are just not prepared for them.

Today, while returning from work, I saw a min-van overturned in a ditch under a bridge.   I immediately hit my brakes, turned around, parked and went down into the gully.   The minivan was completely upside down, steam coming off the underside of the engine.   I tried calling 911 but my cell had no signal.  I went on down.

The driver was there, but it took a little while for me to be able to tell that he was even alive.   I got close enough that I could hear him breathing, but it sounded like he had punctured a lung, or like breathing though water; that gurgling sound.   Blood was coming from his mouth and covered part of his head.

I tried to talk to him, to get him to respond, but he did not.   At this time, I hailed the next car that came down this country road and he called 911 on his cell phone.   But even he could not keep the signal and he had to call back.   Finally a dump truck came by and he used his two-way to call EMS.

I found myself telling this man that he was going to be fine.   That help was on its way.   All the stupid things that I always see on TV, but what else could I say to him.   I was not even sure the was conscious.

When the other man got out of his truck and knelt down by the man I went around the overturned minivan and looked to see if there was a passenger.   The entire passenger portion of the cab was completely crushed.   I thought the worse at that point.

Finally, a medic happened to be driving by and she stayed with the driver.   We had to wait for EMS and the police to show up.

This was the first time I had been around this kind of thing.   I felt helpless while waiting for help to arrive.   If this had happened in the city I think we would have had someone there within 5 minutes.   Out in the country it was more like 15 minutes.    The longest 15 minutes of my life.   I assume, even longer for the driver.

This happening reminded me that we really have no control over things sometime.   Sometime we feel helpless and do not know what we can do.    We are told that under certain conditions we are to do nothing.   We wait for the professionals to arrive.   We wait for someone who is trained to take over.

Sometimes we can do more harm by trying to do good when we do not have the skills or the training to provide the help that is really needed.

This goes for more than just accidents and car crashes.   Sometimes, we would like to think that we can counsel someone about a crisis they are currently experiencing.   It is the wise person who knows when to request that the other person get some professional help.   Otherwise, we may do more harm.

We cannot solve some problems.   We must ask for help.

I must ask for help.

Receiving at the Speed of Appreciation

Have you heard the many stories of lottery winners, or people who inherit huge sums, or those that suddenly come into money through the sales of a business or idea?  Most who suddenly go from being poor to rich have trouble not loosing everything after two or three years.

There are stories after stories about people who lost it all, and feel like their life would have been better if they had never become rich.

This is an easy example of what happens when we receive something so fast that we cannot appreciate it.  We can not recognize the true worth, the place in our lives, the subjective and objective impact that these changes will bring to our lives.

When things are slowed down, and people have the time or make the time to appreciate what they have received, take time to invest, to get financial counseling, then at the end of two to three years they are the ones who still have money, friends, relationships.  

This also applies to much more than money. 

So how do we Receive at the Speed of Appreciation?

1.  Accept change peacefully.

Whenever change comes into our lives, if we stop and accept it peacefully, then we realize that we choose how to think and respond to what has happened.   We can accept it without the resistance, shock, denial, or even overblown happiness,  euphoria, loss of inhibition.   If our goal with change is to have a goal of peace, then we can be in a place where we can take stock of our true situation without being overwhelmed by the change itself.

2.  See the change in the context of what kind of person you wish to be with this change in your life.

If you received money, how do you wish to see yourself in relation to that money.   Are you going to be a flash in the pan, or a dedicated financial investor?  There is no wrong answer.   If you want to live quick and live large for a short time, go for it.   At least you have thought about it.   If you just received a new car, a new house, or a new business, again how do you see yourself in relation to it?  Change, regardless of what it is, defines who we are in relationship to it.   Most people react.   By appreciating it, we have the opportunity to make a choice of who we wish to be.

3.  Appreciate how your change affect others.

If you have a new business, family and friends and even strangers are going to react to you differently.   If you get a large amount of cash, the same thing happens.   If a change like losing a job or business occurs, again it will affect the relationships around you.   Once again, who will you be to these other people?   Will the change in your life make you retreat, become defensive, secretive.   Or will you choose to be open, honest, and self-respecting?   Change is the perfect time to define who you will be to those around you.

4.  As the time period between experiencing change and appreciating that change decreases, the ability to handle change in your life improves.

Wouldn't it be great if we could be guaranteed to have peace of mind regardless of what happened in our lives?   This is really what this blog is about.   When you receive at the speed of appreciation, you are ensuring that you have peace of mind.   You are also ensuring that the change will affect you in the way that you choose to have it affect you.

So...Write a Book

I  have been asked by a few of my friends why I do not write a book.   This is a good question.

My first response, sadly, is one of fear.  

A Book.   That is such a commitment of time and effort! 

Then, of course, comes the other self-statements:

What if it is no good?

Will anyone even read it?

Then, I have to be honest and ask myself the other questions:

What if it is good?

What if other people start expecting other good books from me?

What if I am looked at as some expert or something?

These fears all boil down to a fear of disappointing the people around me by not living up to their expectations.  

Let's face it, if I do nothing, there are no expectations.

Yet, I limit myself so greatly by not attempting to do those things that require taking risks.   Like writing a book.   It is at the edge of risks, and at the edge of my own discomfort that real living takes place.

So, will I start writing a book?   It is so difficult to put these words out there in the universe.   So much resistance.   But......yes.   Universe, I will be writing a book.   God, I will write a book.   And of course, Oh God!  I am writing a book!  (Help me Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Celebrate your Culture.

I am attracted to many other cultures.   There is the varied and amazing group of cultures that we all categorize as "American Indian."   This is a little unfair as there were thousands of individual tribes, thousands of beliefs, way of life, dress, customs, etc.   Some were nomadic while others were some of the first to practice animal husbandry on the North American continent.   Then there is everything in between.  

I met a member of the Cheyenne tribe.  She and her family had lived in Minnesota for years before moving to Texas.   I was immediately taken by the richness of her culture and her history.   She gathered once a year with other Cheyenne to celebrate this culture.   In fact, they had two celebrations.   One celebration was more for the public, with the custom dress and dance.   The other was just for the members of the tribe. 

In the first, they enacted their rituals much like my family did when celebrating Christmas in a Pageant at church.  It meant something, but the real meaning was back at home, with friends and family, being ourselves.   From what I heard from this woman, I think the second gathering was very much like this.   They just loved getting back together with family and friends and celebrating that fact.

I am a bit envious of people who know their history and culture and celebrate that part of their lives.   Being a Mutt, a combination of many nationalities, I do not have a defined culture.  I think I miss out.  I think I miss out a lot.

From a mutt to you;  if you have a rich culture, celebrate it.   Don't miss out on knowing your history and rejoicing in it.

Some Reflections on a Friend's Childhood

Years ago, I had a talk with a woman who really has some problems with connecting with men.   She has more than ample reason for this.  Trust me.

She was adopted.   But rather than being totally accepted and taken into her new family, the mother loved her, but the father never connected with her.   Later, when her parents had a child, the father treated him with all the love and devotion that he never showed her.   When growing up, all the problems that came up were her fault.   She was the underachiever, the problem child in her father's eyes.


When she finally left for college, she immediately found herself dating men who treated her as a second-class person.   They ridiculed her and ignored her, blamed her for everything, and eventually left her.   She would immediately try to find another relationship, and the cycle would start all over again.


What amazed me is that there were men who were attracted by her, that were honest, decent, and kind men.   She just did not find them attractive.   She would not give them the time of day.


It was very troubling seeing her go from bad relationship and less than wonderful man to the other.


Now, I felt from her this deep resentment to all men.   I can empathize.   Yet, I see this as a step.  I am not saying that hating all men is a good thing, but at least she is now angry over something, rather than being apathetic or depairing over how she is treated by those same men.


I know that there are many things that I would share with her today, that I did not when I knew her.


I would say that it is more of a risk to get together with a person with whom you can actually develop intimacy.   When the other person takes the time to get to know and understand you, loves you, and with whom you feel comfortable enough to start healing yourself.


I truly feel that love and intimacy, mutual acceptance and patience can help her in a relationship to face those fears of inadequacy, not being loved, not being valued.

Just like this woman, we all have those fears of never being loved.   She has the disadvantage of not being loved as a child, but I feel that she, like us, can heal that portion of her life.

If we are surrounded by love, we can face ourselves; take the pain that all such honest self-reflection creates, and learn to love ourselves.   This is really what healthy relationships are so good at doing.   Allowing us to love and respect ourselves.

I hope she is doing better these days.   She, like all of us, deserve to be loved and to love.

Inspire another and Inspire Yourself.

I was reminded, quite strongly today, that getting over being negative about my own life is simply a matter of trying to inspire someone else with their life.

Sounds easy?   Guess what, it is!!

I was feeling a little discouraged today.   Some things in my life that I wanted to have in my life by this time are not yet in my life.   There are several excuses for this.   Some of them are actually valid, but the timetables I set for myself are slipping.   It is discouraging.   Literally, the opposite of courage, fear.  Dis-Couraging.  After chatting with my friend, I no longer felt discouraged.   I felt full of life and re-inspired.

A little background about my friend:

She is going through a horrific time with her son.   He has severe heart problems and his prognosis for even the next 5 years is not too good.   She asked me my opinion on how to keep him from worrying about the tests that are upcoming and his prognosis.   Worrying is really not a strong enough word.   Despairing might be a better one.

I found that by talking with her about the hope, the quality of life, the strength of humor, and the attitude that the parents have directly effect how their child will process events.   Will it be a time of fear about what may come, or will it be a time of getting the information they need to know to live life to the fullest amongst his particular limitations.  

I do not quote myself that much in these blogs, but I feel that the words that came from my mouth show that something greater than myself was giving me the words.    (In other words, I am not this wise in real life.  I have to have help from a divine source.)

This is part of a conversation with the mother of this boy on the impending day of cardiac testing.
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"Children pick up on what is happening around them.  They look to their parents and family for cues to their behavior in any situation.   If you are tense and worrying about his testing, he will be.   If you rather see it as helpful, he will."

"Testing helps to get rid of the unknown.   The fear comes from the unknown.   Am I healthy, ill, dying, is my heart failing again?  What is my prognosis?   Can I have any hope when I do not know the future?  Anything that can give you concrete information will help you and your son to address whatever comes up."



"If you have as the goal of the next couple of weeks is to find what there is about life that you can appreciate and love, live and enjoy now, then the day you get testing done will be just like those days.   They are ones filled with life, love, joy, hope, and peace."

"Have as the goal of that day of testing to live the sh*t out of life!   Knock the doctor's and P.A.'s socks off by your vibrancy for living.   By your hope and joy shining out of your life.   Tell jokes that day.   Get a book of jokes and keep the reception area in stitches.    Live."
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The Next Breath

Nothing in life is so little that one cannot appreciate it. - Anonymous

In college, I had a friend that had severe asthma.   He and I talked one day about what happens when he had a severe attack.   It opened my eyes to what we all take for granted in this life:  our next breath.

He told me that sometimes his air passages would suddenly close down and breathing was like inflating a balloon using a coffee straw.   No matter how hard he tried to breathe in, he felt he was slowly suffocating.  Many times, he said, that his vision would start going dim; turning dark around the edges.   I cannot think of anything more scary than to use your utmost effort and energy just to take the next breath.

I so take life for granted.

Medically, we have no idea why we are alive.  There really is no reason why the next breath even comes.  Just imagine.   The very air coming into our lungs, the thousands of chemical reactions that take place in a second that transfer that oxygen to our bloodstream, is truly amazing.   It is the ultimate demonstration of faith that we actually can forget that we breath.   We can go to sleep without the fear that we will stop this cycle.

Yet, at any moment, we can choose to hold our breath; take in a deeper breath; breath shallow; breath into the upper chest; breath into the lower chest.   If you are a singer or play a brass instrument, you know all these ways of breathing.   Breath the wrong way and you cannot sustain the music, the notes, the song.

The analogy though goes far past just taking in the oxygen we need.   Breathing in is also taking in life.   Breathing out is making an expression of that life.  We express (push out) in response to what we have breathed in.

When we breathe in deeply, we affirm the life, the moment we are in, the significance of what is happening to us now.   We express the gratitude for this life, this moment in breathing out.

We breathe in and breathe out:  This is life.  When we take in good, we express good.   When we take in bad, we express bad.

What have you breathed in today?  What have you expressed out?

New Years Affirmations

I do not do resolutions.   At least not once a year.

For me, those resolutions are affirmations that I make to myself every day; sometimes several times a day.

"I am a vibrant, healthy man."

This one, I can say with all honesty, because I can see health in me, growing in me day by day.   Am I completely healthy....not yet, but I am well on my way.

"I am worthy."

This one is more difficult to say with strict honesty and candor.   Yet, I know that the experiences I had and the mind set that brought be to a place of not seeing myself as worthy as illusions.   They are conclusions that I made and thoughts that I have.   I can change them.   I can begin viewing myself as worthy of love, success, joy, and health.

"I love myself."

How do I say this without feeding into the ego?   This statement and the belief of it is the death of my ego.   When I come to fully accept and love who I am; body, mind and spirit, the ego has no hold over me anymore.   I am firmly convinced that when I truly and fully love myself as I see God loving me, that I will be free of all disease, illness, and barriers to feeling and experiencing love with others.

"Whatever is missing from my life, by bringing it into the life of another, I find it within myself."

I know that when I lack peace, by bringing peace to another I find that I have peace.    When I feel like I don't have enough love in my life, when I love others, I find love within.   I know that I cannot give away what I do not have.   By giving it away, I affirm that I have it in my life.

"I choose what my life will be and who I will be."

I choose what I am and how I will respond to anything life brings.   I choose from moment to moment what kind of person I wish to be.  I have the choice of being a man of peace; of having joy; of being a vessel of healing; a being of compassion.   I choose.   Life does not choose for me who I will be.   I choose!