Some Reflections on a Friend's Childhood

Years ago, I had a talk with a woman who really has some problems with connecting with men.   She has more than ample reason for this.  Trust me.

She was adopted.   But rather than being totally accepted and taken into her new family, the mother loved her, but the father never connected with her.   Later, when her parents had a child, the father treated him with all the love and devotion that he never showed her.   When growing up, all the problems that came up were her fault.   She was the underachiever, the problem child in her father's eyes.


When she finally left for college, she immediately found herself dating men who treated her as a second-class person.   They ridiculed her and ignored her, blamed her for everything, and eventually left her.   She would immediately try to find another relationship, and the cycle would start all over again.


What amazed me is that there were men who were attracted by her, that were honest, decent, and kind men.   She just did not find them attractive.   She would not give them the time of day.


It was very troubling seeing her go from bad relationship and less than wonderful man to the other.


Now, I felt from her this deep resentment to all men.   I can empathize.   Yet, I see this as a step.  I am not saying that hating all men is a good thing, but at least she is now angry over something, rather than being apathetic or depairing over how she is treated by those same men.


I know that there are many things that I would share with her today, that I did not when I knew her.


I would say that it is more of a risk to get together with a person with whom you can actually develop intimacy.   When the other person takes the time to get to know and understand you, loves you, and with whom you feel comfortable enough to start healing yourself.


I truly feel that love and intimacy, mutual acceptance and patience can help her in a relationship to face those fears of inadequacy, not being loved, not being valued.

Just like this woman, we all have those fears of never being loved.   She has the disadvantage of not being loved as a child, but I feel that she, like us, can heal that portion of her life.

If we are surrounded by love, we can face ourselves; take the pain that all such honest self-reflection creates, and learn to love ourselves.   This is really what healthy relationships are so good at doing.   Allowing us to love and respect ourselves.

I hope she is doing better these days.   She, like all of us, deserve to be loved and to love.