When I was born I was loved unconditionally by my parents. As a baby, I was totally dependent on them for all my needs, and had the bonus of being loved, regardless of what I did or how I acted.
Later on, I learned that most people do not have unconditional love for others. There were conditions to everything.
If I didn't hit the ball and get a run in tee-ball, I wasn't given and encouragement. I was ignored. That is until I hit the ball directly to 1st base and I got an out. Then it was negative attention.
In school, if I didn't make my letters a certain way, the teacher yelled at me. Again, another condition be being felt loved, or in this case unloved.
With friends, I learned that if I played the games that they wanted they liked spending time with me. If I played what I wanted, they lost interest or made excuses to not play with me.
These kind of situations molded my behavior away from expecting unconditional love and acceptance to knowing that for people to like me, I had to meet their expectations.
Now I am learning that I can choose to not put conditions on how I love other people. I cannot change other people and the conditions they may put on relationships, but I can change myself.
There are times that I feel aggravated with others, when I feel that I have been unfairly treated. The knee-jerk response is to feel the same way toward the other person. Eye for an eye. Anger for anger.
One pledge that I have made is to try to ask myself what would a person who loved unconditionally do in each of these instances.
I have found that I need to give up my ego to do what love would do. That is the most difficult part. My ego wants to fight. To protect itself. To throw a punch when it feels like it has been hit.
I still have to give up my ego! I need an ego-extomy.
It is very difficult sometimes, but when it works, there is instant forgiveness, peace, and a sense of love and all the other negative feelings disappear. (I tell myself this several times a day. It is the ammunition to use against my ego. As love increases, my ego looses it power.)
There's a difference between putting conditions on love and asserting situational needs. Teammates need you to play and play well. If you can't...well, no offense, but we're not going to pick you to be on our team. Teachers need you to learn what they are trying to teach you. If you don't, you'll get reprimanded or get a bad grade.
ReplyDeleteIt hints at grandiosity and self-importance to conclude that those messages are about love.
Besides, are you suggesting that our friends' needs for entertainment they enjoy is any less valid than our own?
You have a good point. There are needs of others that have nothing to do with whether they love you or not.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it is rather a self-love phenomenon that whether we perceive others have rejected us, we may feel less love for ourselves.
I do truly appreciate your feedback.
Thanks.
Those things may certainly play into a self-love, self-worth, or self-confidence perception. The point is, none of us has control over how others treat us, but we do have control over how we react.
ReplyDeleteSo I may stink at T-ball. If I make my own self-worth contingent on my T-ball skilz, I'm going to come away with some issues. ;-)
The key is to grow to a point where we're comfortable in our own skins. I also know that I am responsible for that comfort, responsible for recognizing my own worth in the world. I can't get that sense from anyone else, nor can I hold others accountable for my own self-worth.