I was talking with an acquaintance of mine and we were talking about belief, faith, and religion. Yes, a loaded subject.
He basically said that since I thought the way I thought, that is why so many bad things have happened in my life.
I felt immediately offended. Then I had the opportunity to take some time and think about how to respond.
If I responded in anger, would it solve anything? Well, I am standing up for myself aren't I? This guy deserves it, attacking my beliefs! But....it would only escalate the discussion or stop it dead in it's tracks. Plus, I really didn't feel like getting angry.
What if I responded, like I normally do, with passivity. Does this help things? Not really. Even though I will have avoided conflict my not saying anything at all, the statement still caused me some pain. I still hurt, and the other person will be unaware of their effect on me. Plus, I may start harboring resentment against them because I have not dealt with my own emotions over this.
Ok. Let me put my reaction aside. This other person did not cause my offense, I chose to take it to be offensive. Is what I am going to say going to be just to tell them how they are wrong, or not tell them anything but think they are wrong or cruel? Will it bring any peace either way? No. However, do I think that they need to hear what they said again, but from me? Not including the emotional overtones, but simply a reflection of what I heard? No judgment, just a request for clarification? Yes.
So, I did reflect back to them what I heard them say. I also asked if this was correct. Did they mean to say this? The answer was no. The conversation continued and a potential misunderstanding was averted.
Now to many of you this may sound like conversation 1.01. However, to me it is really a new approach to things. I always was passive, sometimes passive aggressive when similar situations arose before. Now, I am finally able to choose differently. To choose the path of understanding, rather than assumption.
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