Having joined one of those online dating sites, I have been placed in a position to have to review and sometimes modify my concept of a future companion. It is a daunting task. Sometimes, a humbling one.
At first, I laid out the various women with whom I have had any kind of relationship in the past. What were their great qualities? Which areas were we most complementary? Which areas caused the most friction? What qualities did I possess which made the relationship more difficult to grow in a healthy way? What factors caused the dissolution of the relationship?
Very sobering questions.
Yet, they brought me to a realization. One that I knew before, but that had so much more impact now. Searching for a long-time companion is not a process of finding someone wonderful, but becoming someone wonderful.
The search for the perfect fit, or someone with whom I am compatible is usually done by looking for qualities the other person needs for me to feel they might be a good companion, girlfriend, friend, etc. How many times in this process did I point to myself and say which qualities do I have that would make another person a good companion, boyfriend, friend, etc.
At some point, I need to either be in the process of uncovering the areas in which I still need improvement, or actively becoming a better version of the person I wish to be. Anything less would be not only a diservice to whomever I might have a relationship, but a diservice to myself.
I recently started reading "The Five Love Languages." by Gary Chapman. In this book, he describes five ways in which we express and receive love from another. Words of Affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch are the 5 languages. I thought, what a better way to continue to become the best version of myself that I can be but to become better at all 5 languages. That way, no matter which language the other person uses to love, I can both recognize and appreciate it, and return it.
This prompted me to go back to my first questions about previous relationships. In which ways were the 5 languages used. In which ways were they interpreted, or misinterpreted? How did I misinterpret or not acknowledge or not appreciate them in the other?
What amazed me is that most if not all the problems with previous relationships had to do with not speaking and recognizing the same language. While I thought I was extremely loving in words of affirmation and quality time, acts of service were not really there. On of the women really responded (or did not respond well) to what she considered a reflection of love that was not there, namely acts of service, doing chores, tasks, things for her. It was not completely absent, but it was not one of my languages at the time.
So back to becoming a wonderful person.
Now that I know the areas in which I respond, the languages I use to show love and receive as an affirmation of that love, I can at least be prepared enough to share those with women I may date and hear what language they use.
So now my eyes are open to how the other expresses love for people in their lives. I ask about their relationship with parents, with friends. What times have they felt very loved and appreciated. From this, I slowly decipher their language of love.
This whole article has been about dating, but it can be about any form of love. Love between friends, family, spouse, etc. It is simply about listening and recognizing the ways in which people feel loved.
More on this in later blogs......................
