Why do we need to share personal histories so soon?
Not the personal histories that give a short auto-biographical snapshot of who we are when we are introducing ourselves, but the more intimate histories. The sicknesses, losses, redemptions, great awakenings, major moments in life.
These personal histories are important. However, when and how they are shared really tell a lot about us, with how we use them.
I like deep and significant conversations. Long and meaningful talks are one of my favorite things to do with friends and more than friends. But, like many, I am impatient to get through the perfunctory small talk and dive into the deep end. Sadly, I also know that I sometimes use my personal history to garner sympathy or attention. This is really something I wish to focus on.
How many of us lead conversations with our personal sob stories? It is like we extend our aches and pains, limitations and laments like some business card when getting to know someone.
We do it because on some level it works. It has the payoff of being able to share our thoughts, but also allows us to share on a level which is socially acceptable, the common denominator of complaining.
It works up to a point. Complaining is accepted. Common complaints are a way to bridge that communication gap. However, anything more, like tying our complaints to expressions of our needs sometimes gets tricky. No one likes to hang around someone who feels needy. Nor do people like to be shared with too much. There is an unspoken assumption that since you shared with them on a deep level, that you expect them to share deeply with you.
People do not like to feel like they have an obligation to share with you something they would normally not share.
The other components of presenting such histories, is soliciting sympathy. Sometimes we want people to sympathize with our complaints, losses, sob stories. Again, this is an artificial empathy, a hollow expression of caring that it is a wonder that we don't catch on to the fact we are doing this so often. Yet, the payoff is there. For an instant we think that another person does truly care about us.
No wonder it seems that there are so many walking wounded among us. I do not think it is because most people are broken, but that we have become conditioned to lead with our complaints first, rather than our strengths. Then those that do not feel that they have the emotional support or love in their lives can monopolize on garnering sympathy for their sob stories.
I have found lately, that when I am more ready to listen than talk, to present personal joys than personal sadness, to hold on to my personal history that it is more likely to create or to grow those relationships with friends or more than friends.
