Loving Yourself - Step 2

And the Saga Continues....

This blog is part 2 of a 12 part blog on loving myself (and perhaps yourself) better.


To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
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Step - 2   Believe in a Power greater than ourselves that loves us regardless of anything we do.

I saw a story from CourtTV about a father who faced his daughter's killer, a man who drove drunk and crashed into her car.   What is amazing about this is that at the end of the trial, right before the man was sentenced to jail, the father came up to him and said that he forgives him for the death of his daughter.  You should have seen the look of shock on the drunk driver's face.   He was stunned.   Being led away in handcuffs, he never lost that look of complete surprise.

I don't think this man would have been more astonished if green men from outer space, materialized in the middle of the court room.   He was given a look into not only forgiveness, but of love.   Perhaps for the first time in his life, it was unmerited, no strings, no requirements, no contracts, undeserved.

Now why is this step separate from step number 3?   They are broken apart because what must happen first is that we choose to believe that there is undeserved and unconditional love and that it comes always from a place, a person, a figure, a God, a power that is larger than ourselves.   After believing, then we can respond.   Not before.

I know in my own case, I have answered the question as to whether a greater power unconditionally loves me very quickly and with a resounding "Yes."   But hold on.     The first relationships that I had, that modeled this love were from my parents.   They were good relationships, but regardless, were between human being with all the failures and limitations of human beings.   I learned that love from a mother and father were great, but still limited.   I could see God as a parent and that is about as far as my conception and understanding of that Divine Love went for many many years.

However, when I went to college I learned that a few people had horrific parents and an abusive childhood.   One woman seemed to have a great and abiding faith, a surety of the love of God, though so few people modeled it in her life.   When I asked how she believed this, she said that one night she was going to end her life, and in the moments before slitting her wrists, she prayed to God that she could feel love even one time in her life before she died.    In a moment, she said that she was filled with a sense of peace and love that she had never experienced before.   It swelled within her, and consequently, saved her life.   She related that from that point on, she knew things could be better because she was loved by at least one person in her life.

I was so humbled by this.   Looking at my own conceptions of that unconditional love, mine was limited, even with loving relationships in my early life.   Hers was radiant and sure.

What I am learning, what I am choosing to believe every hour of every day is that unconditional love.  Notice that I am choosing to believe this many times a day.   This is not a one time statement of faith, of statement of belief.   It is a process.   It is a declaration of thought, feeling, and being that must be made continuously.

I go backward if I do not choose to believe that a greater power loves me unconditionally.   I go back into those patterns of belief where that love is only as good as the love that has been modeled for me in my life.   It is easy to fall back into the habit of experiencing limited love.   It is too easy.


Choose to believe in a love greater than any of which you can conceive.   Choose to place no limits on that love, none whatsoever!

So...what does this mean?

It means that I choose to visualize, to feel, to be open to a love that springs from a never ending source.

If I stand under a waterfall, and I choose to whip out an umbrella to stop the flow of water, do you think I will stay dry?   Not likely.   In fact, the force of that water will whip that umbrella away quick.  If I choose to hold my past behaviors up as a shield from unconditional love, what happens?  The love still comes like a flood, like a waterfall.   My shield doesn't stop the love coming into my life.   It only prevents me from recognizing it for what it is.  I get wet, and yet I stand, screaming to the world and to myself that I am dry; that I do not deserve the water coming down, and therefore refuse to feel the water coursing over me.

At the moment I choose to believe in this love, I feel the water, I feel the power from the source.   I no longer deny or ignore it.   That is why I must continuously choose to believe.

Choose to believe that there is nothing that prevents this love from your life.  None.

Not murder!
Not stealing!
Not hurting another!
Not hurting yourself!
Not the worst evil you think you may have done!
Not abandoning a child, a parent, a grandparent, a friend!
Not drugs or alcohol!
Not pride!
Not crushing the competition!
Not lying!
Not betraying another!
Not cheating!
Not hating!
Not beating!
Not being beaten!
Not abusing another!
Not being abused!

This love is unconditional.   No limits exist.  You cannot prevent this unconditional love from loving you!  No matter what you do, you are loved.  Now...believe it!

Loving Yourself - Step 1

This is a continuation of the blog I did last on loving yourself.   I am committed to a 12-blog explanation of this process of loving myself (or yourself).

As each step comes up, the previous steps will be listed, and you can start to see how they all come together by the end of the 12th step.

Step 1 - We admit we are powerless over what others think of us.

I don't know about you, but I like to try to make things better.   When I see something that is inefficient, or broken, I want to make it work better!   I do not know where this came from in my life.   I have always been a kind of efficiency expert when looking at systems or infrastructures or systemic problems.   Do you know, that I am also this way with people. 

When I get feedback from someone that a relationship, friendship, or any kind of interaction isn't going well, I want to jump in with both feet and make it better.    The most extreme version of this happens when I find out the relationship that is not going so well is with me!

My first thought when I receive information that someone doesn't like what I am doing, or who I am being is that I can fix it.   I can change.   No problem.   This is something that I can do and that person will like me again!

So, I change the way I speak.   No go.   The other person still thinks I am stuck up and opinionated.
So, I drop some of my larger words and forgo nine out of ten of my own opinions.   I am more quiet.
Then the other person thinks that I am moody.  Then I decide to smile all the time.   The other now thinks I am "Creepy."

How about this scenario.

I am asked, during a dinner party with very conservative friends, what I feel about the whole same sex marriage in the Lutheran Church.  I want to say all those things about justice, and that I cannot be in a position to judge others without limiting myself.  I start to say these things and suddenly, two people start quoting Bible verses and challenging my own beliefs.   So, I do not want to be disliked, and I take a slightly more conservative continuation of my beliefs.  So now, not only do I not feel totally accepted by these people, but I feel bad because I do not stick to my guns on my own beliefs.

I AM TRAPPED INTO BELIEVING I CAN CHANGE HOW OTHERS THINK OF ME!

Whenever I believe these things and I act on them, I am always dissapointed that I cannot change others opinions and in trying to do so, I cannot please myself.

This is one of the most important parts of loving yourself.    

Stop believing that you can are only worthy of loving yourself if others love you!

This is a destructive cycle.    It feeds into the myth that you need to feel loved and appreciated, heck even liked by all others to feel that you are someone who deserved to be loved and to love.  STOP IT!

What happens is that you cannot (I cannot) please everyone.   Therefore, when someone is not pleased, I feel like I have failed and therefore I feel like I am a failure.   This is not self-love!

If you are in a relationship and it fails, then it is so easy to think that you are just not worthy of being loved.   It was your fault.   It was that you were not strong enough, wise enough, loved the other enough.   KNOCK IT OFF!!!!

Do you know that no one can generate your feelings of love for them unless you agree to it.   What this means is that you are the source of all of your feelings for another.   You decide, when the relationship or friendship is goings well, that you deserve to feel happy and loved.  SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL!  If things are not going well, then you feel that you should be sad, despondent, angry, and not loved.   SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL!   You are the source of everything you feel.   You are the reason that you feel loved or not.

Now, I do not want to diminish in the least the importance of other people and their feedback and impact on our lives.   Not at all.   We only see ourselves in relation to other people.   We define what and who we are by seeing who and what others are.    However; and I cannot stress this enough, you choose how you see yourself.   Others do not choose for you!  You choose to love yourself and to what degree.   It is always your choice.    You may be influenced by others and their opinion of you, but it is always your choice.

Love Yourself - Again

So many self-help books say that the number one problem with people is that they do not love themselves.

Yet, what does this really mean?   How do we love ourselves?

Do we think that in loving ourselves that we cater to our every whim?   

Isn't this what we are tempted to do when we fall in love with another, or even have a crush on another?   No task is too small, no favor to large to gain the good graces of the one in whom we are interested.   

So if I love myself, I am going to go out and treat myself to a large Mocha Coffee with extra chocolate syrup and sprinkles even though I am a diabetic!   I am going to go buy the latest video game console on the market even though I already have a huge credit card debt.  I am going to come home and just veg out for hours in front of the TV even though the smell from the garbage is enough to knock out a skunk!

Now what if we think that loving ourselves means protecting ourselves from pain, disappointment, or discomfort?   

Therefore, I am going to avoid situations that may be physically, emotionally, or spiritually painful!  Right?   I mean, no one in their right mind would purposely seek out situations in which they can get hurt?   I will not go back to dating after my divorce!   I will avoid that High School Reunion because I put on 40 lbs since then!  I will not open up my heart to another just to have it broken again!   

How about the conditional love we have for ourselves?

I will love me when I get healthy!   I will love me when I have that face lift.   Finally, these saddlebags are gone and now I can love myself!   When I find a woman who loves me, then I will love myself!   When my sister forgives me, or my brother forgives me, then I will love myself.

It seems that answering the question as to how we can love ourselves is anything but clear.

Yet, we can take a couple pages out of the AA and other 12-step programs to help love ourselves in realistic and appropriate ways:

(My own refined 12-steps for loving myself!)

1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To ready to face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them.
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admitted it.
11. To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.

Art and Emotions - The Prodigal Son

I have rarely related my blog post to the graphic that I am using that day.   However, this particular graphic is a bit different.  Sometimes my expression in art is a reflection of how I am feeling when it is created.   Other times, like this one, it is the reverse.  

When I completed this graphic, it was not because I was feeling bright, shiny, or particularly positive.   Yet, looking at it caused me to become just that.   Something resonates with me when I see it.   Sadly, few of my creations do this.   But occasionally, they do.

Other works of art resonate with me as well.

Whenever I look at Rembrandt’s painting: The Prodigal Son, I get a wash of emotions from it.   If you have never seen it, look it up.   The father is putting his hands around his lost son, while the other sons, some distance off, have looks from disgust to joy at his return.  

It is profound it that it brings me to the point of joy when I look at it from the father's perspective.  Some deep seated wish has finally been granted, a lost connection reestablished, a family put back together.   Also, when I put myself  in the role of the son, I feel like hope has come again, forgiveness.   Just imagine being so lost, alone, full of shame that you would be willing to be a slave to your family just to have a place to call home.   Yet, in that moment of not even being able to hope for the least crumb from the table, you get the feast.   All is forgiven and you have found that you are home.  From the perspective of the other brothers that stayed home; one is angry because of the perceived injustice, another might be confused at his father's actions.  I have had the same thoughts, the same anger and the same confusion.   I have felt at the wrong end of justice, and deeply confused by the actions of others.  

However, let me have someone else tell you their reaction to this work of art:

When the famous author Henri Nouwen saw the Prodigal Son painting in the St Petersburg Hermitage, he was struck  by the sight of  "a man in a great red cloak tenderly touching the shoulders of a disheveled boy kneeling before him.  I could not take my eyes away.  I felt drawn by the intimacy between the two figures, the warm red of the man’s cloak, the golden yellow of the boy’s tunic, and the mysterious light engulfing them both.  But, most of all, it was the hands --the old man’s hands--as they touched the boy’s shoulders that reached me in a place where I had never been reached before.  ..."  Nouwen realized that Rembrandt must have shed many tears and died many deaths before he could have so exquisitely painted the father’s heart for his lost son.  Rembrandt  had once again painted himself as the Prodigal Son, but this time coming back home to his Father.  - Reverend Ed Hird

Capacity vs. Potential

Potential: 

1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential problem.

2. Having possibility, capability, or power.

 

Capacity:

1. The ability to receive, hold, or absorb.

2. The maximum amount that can be contained: 

3. Ability to perform or produce; capability.

Have you ever been told that you have great potential?   Potential?   Having potential for something is really the propensity for developing something that does not yet exist.  When someone says that you have potential, it may be that they see something in you that may attract something greater, later on.

Now, I do not mean to be negative about potential.   Or using potential as a way of complimenting someone.   On the positive side, you can see potential in someone like electrical potential.   When something is charged, like storm-clouds, there are several million electron volts of potential contained in that cloud.   Nothing may happen with this charge.   Or this charge may be slowly dissipated over time.   However, just the right conditions come up and suddenly, there is a flash of lightning, a crack of thunder.   This is potential.   In people, potential can mean the same thing.   Everything is there for something to happen, and just the right conditions may bring it out.  

I have heard so many stories of people who nobody thought would come through in a tough time, show courage, wisdom, love and compassion more so than they have ever done so.  A lightning release of their potential for being better than they were.

On the other hand, if we were to hear someone say to us that they see the capacity for something, it has a slightly different meaning.   If a truck has the capacity for 13 gallons in the gas tank, then it can contain 13 gallons.   Nothing stops it from doing so.   It was build that way.   However, if a truck has the potential for holding 15 gallons, it means that I have to go back to the dealer and get another gas tank that can contain two more gallons.   If a person has the capacity to do something, they already have the ability, but it may not be fully realized or fully used yet.

A great example of this concept is when Jesus told his disciples that they would heal the sick, give sight to the blind, perform miracles in his name.   This is a statement of capacity.   They may not have believed it, but Jesus saw that they had within them the ability to do these things. 

I know that I have the potential to live a fearless life.
I hope that I may come to believe that I have the capacity to live fearlessly.

I know that I have the potential to make love the cornerstone of every decision in my life.
I am beginning to believe that I have the capacity to make love the root of every decision.

I know that I have the potential to be a great teacher.
Slowly, I am realizing that I have the capacity to teach.

Potential - what may be, the lightning waiting to strike.
Capacity - what is, but may be better, bigger, more fully realized.

Stand back for my Imagination

One of my dearest friend's daughter once declared, with arms open wide, "Stand back for my imagination!"   What a statement to the world!

Imagination, when we are young, transports us to new worlds, new ways of perceiving this world, or as yet undiscovered ways of seeing ourselves.    Imagination allows the thoughts we think to create the emotions we feel, and to motivate us to act on these two.

As an adult, I find that my imagination to be a necessary part of my waking life.    It is the bridge between what I think of myself, and the vision, the daydream or the visualization of who I wish to be and the actions to get me there.  

I am sure that you have heard many a motivational speaker say things like, "If you can dream it, you can do it!", or "Your imagination is the only limit to your accomplishments!"   "What you think you can do, you can do!"   All of these are tied to the ability to envision yourself doing these things.  

I talked with a martial art master and he related to me what went through his mind when he broke boards at an exhibition.   He said, "I see my hand not as a hand but as an extension of the Chi energy.   It is that energy of life which goes through the board.   My hand simply follows it through."   In his case, he imagined this.  One can say that his imagination became stronger than his doubt of breaking the board.   Thus, the board broke.

Imagination also allows me to consider possibilities, where logic and reason might have swayed me to not believe before.   Who of us have never wanted the ability to speak with animals?  How about the ability to be invisible, or to levitate, or to walk through walls?   There is the child in us that wants to be able to do these things, or at the least, to live in a world where these things are possible.   Why not?

In my investigations into major world religion's holy figures, I have found that many of the saints, there are eyewitness accounts of such people speaking to animals, walking into a building and not being seen, levitating, and even walking through walls.   It is my imagination that allows me to not totally discount these accounts, but rather to admit that I live in a world where these things are at least possible.   Without imagination, I would not be able to do that.

Sometimes imagination is so strong that it changes reality.   There was a medical case at Duke University, where a man came in, an immigrant from Haiti, that presented with lowered pulse, low blood pressure, a continually dropping body tempurature, and a failing heart.   The doctors could not find out what was causing this.   While talking with the patient they found out that he had been cursed by a Voodoo priest for leaving the country and he was told that he would be dead within 6 months if he did not return to his country.  At the time of his admission, five of those six months were already gone.  As a last straw attempt to save his life, the doctors got a hold of another Haitian Voodoo Priest and had him come to the hospital and remove the curse that was on this man.   The moment the curse was lifted, the man's vital signs stabilized, his core temp went up, and his heart resumed a normal sinus rhythm.   He was discharged a few days later with no symptoms.  

Imagination is very powerful.   It is the bridge, the energy to bring into existence those things which we may dare to imagine.

Thought, Word and Deed = Happiness

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
- Ghandi


We have all heard about thought, word and deed.   It seems like it is the trinity of action, much like the trinity of God.


We may even say that God the Father is the thought, God the Son is the word, God the Spirit is the deed.   Thus, we, liek God, are creators and we manifest that creation in terms of:


Thought - we conceptualize, we envision, we put into mental pictures what we wish to have come into our lives.

Word - we utter, make sounds, voice words that bring those thoughts into existence in the form of vibrations and thus they interact with the world.   They are received by others, heard by ourselves, emanate outward in energy which, while it gets weaker with distance, never stops spreading out into the world.


Deed - we move huge amounts of dense energy (physical matter, our bodies, the physical world) in order to build or fulfill that word, put substance to that creative thought.


So why did Ghandi say that happiness is when these three are in conjunction?


Happiness is the accomplishment of realizing the person we wish to be; our highest concept of ourselves.


What happens to short-circuit that happiness is that we change our thoughts by the second, we say things that derail our manifestations and we do things that are in-congruent with the people we wish to be.


Let us say that I had the idea that I am a man of peace.   Sounds simple, right?   

What would a man of peace do?  In all situations, he would ask himself, "is this the way of peace?   Is what I am about to do something that will add to my chaos, discomfort, disharmony, or that of others?   If this is so, I need to change my thought, before it becomes voiced and definitely before it becomes an action.  However, my mind will flit between several interpretations of what it means to have peaceful thoughts.   Does it mean that I must silence those thoughts that have mostly peace but include some non-peaceful components?   How about thinking of a course of action that disarms or incapacitates those people or ideas that detract from peace?   I can't even make up my mind.   


Then the time comes that I voice something.   Is it the well thought out conceptualization of those actions that will lead to peace or do I just say something like, "I don't know!" or "Ummmmm." as I wait for that clarity of thought and word.   Perhaps I just say, "OK.  That sounds good" when someone else offers their opinion on my actions.


Even if that conceptualization of peace and the words of peace match in that instance, what about the deeds?  Let us say that I am determined to be a peacemaker, regardless of my thoughts toward someone else that causes nothing but turmoil in my life.   I approach them and try to communicate the desire for us to make a connection, to bridge a gap, to understand one another better and how we affect each other's lives.   Then they insult us, or push our buttons, and WHAM....My thoughts become defensive, injured, my words burst forth, insulting them back, and I physically distance myself, or perhaps even push the other person away.


The whole thought, word and deed concept, I myself, has changed on each level in this one instance.   As long as I continue to change any part of the three and not stick to those three manifestations, I lack happiness.   I have failed to act on, speak on, and think of myself in the highest conceptualization of myself.   I am not happy.


However, If I have the thought that I am a peacemaker, I continue to speak words of peace and reconciliation, forgiveness and requests for forgiveness, and I take actions to always be available, calm, and open to the other person who may have caused turmoil in my life, then eventually, regardless of the actions of the other person, I am being a peacemaker in relation to that other person.   I am being a peacemaker.   I am being the highest concept of who I wish to be.   This is happiness.