Emotional Intelligence - What do I know? - Repost

I am continually amazed by how much I do not know about stuff.   I am ignorant; sometimes not even with the blissful ignorance people talk about; but rather, the more "disconnected from life, the earth, and everyone" ignorance.

This brings me to the point of this blog:  Emotional Intelligence.

According to Psychology Today, Emotional Intelligence is the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions.  It is the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.

There are four different factors of emotional intelligence:

1.  the perception of emotion,
2.  the ability to reason using emotions,
3.  the ability to understand emotion,
4.  and the ability to manage emotions.

I can talk about E.I. (Emotional Intelligence) as a definition, and go through all the parts, but it really is like a bio-researcher talking about love.

So....here is something a little different; how to fail an E.I. questionnaire.

The Perception of Emotion 

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"She's not that into you!  She was not smiling at you...that was her baring her teeth"
- Being one of the guys that takes a girl being nice to them as an invitation to ask them out on a date.
Emotional Intelligence - Low;  Verdict - Failed!

"Just give them some space!  Otherwise, you might not like what she will say!"
Not realizing that sometimes people just don't want to talk out their emotions, they want to be alone.
Emotional Intelligence - Low;  Verdict - Failed!


The ability to reason using emotions
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"I don't want to go with you because shopping really makes me feel bored, and like I am wasting those hours of my life on nothing at all!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low;  Verdict - Failed!

"If you could just understand that when you spend time with your friends, your intelligence goes down."
Emotional Intelligence - Low;  Verdict - Failed!


The ability to understand emotion
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"But you just cried 10 minutes ago!  This is the last time we are getting a chick-flick!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low;  Verdict - Failed!

"How can you be jealous over a girl that doesn't even wear a bra!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low;  Verdict - Failed!


The ability to manage emotions.
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"What do you mean?  I had to punch something.  I will fix the hole in the wall this weekend!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low;  Verdict - Failed!

"So, I didn't realize he was a cop until after I gave him the finger!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low;  Verdict - Failed!


These are some ways to make fun of all the times that we men have not shown that high a level of emotional intelligence.   I am one of them.   I admit it.


Why are men particularly guilty of having a low emotional intelligence?

Let me say, that in writing this blog, I researched some things about emotions and the sexes.  It seems that men experience emotions as deeply as women.   Though men compartmentalize and intellectualize more, women are affected more directly, more quickly than men.  

The male mind is hard-wired differently.  Women, in PET and dynamic contrast studies of the blood flow in the brain, show a much quicker transition of activity level between the logical, reasoning and emotional centers of the brain; namely the left and right hemispheres.  Men show a much slower transitioning of activity.

This may explain why, in 125 studies in various cultures, boys and men were consistently less accurate at interpreting unspoken messages in gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice. Men also react less intensely to emotions, and forget them faster. In an experiment at Stanford University, photographs of upsetting or traumatic images triggered greater activity in more regions of female brains. Three weeks later the women remembered more detail about the pictures than the men.

Men do experience strong emotions.  In fact, during traumatic emotional events, such as divorce or the loss of a loved one, those raw emotions cannot be compartmentalized or intellectualized.   Once those floodgates are open, they are rarely if ever closed.  In these situations, developing emotional intelligence is not only preferable, but necessary for the man to have a better chance of future, positive, and nurturing emotional relationships.

So what can we Men as a species do to increase our Emotional Intelligence?

All I can say is that it takes an effort, a choice to step back and think of how my reactions, my words, can affect the emotions of those around me.   When I do take this pause, and I do think about the emotional content of the situation, I do show more emotional intelligence.

Just ask yourself:

Am I understanding the emotional context of this situation?
What I am about to say; does it take into account the feelings of the other person?
What am I feeling now, and how does it affect what I am about to say and do?
Are my emotional needs being expressed in a way that does not infringe on other's emotional needs.

All of these steps require that men allow themselves to feel and express their emotions first.
There are some tips from Reader's Digest in the Oct 2005 issue that may be of help to both men and the women in their life.
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Images from this article

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What lurks behind a man's silent, stoic mask? Vulnerability.

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Emotions live in the background of a man's life and the foreground of a woman's

Guys, Try These:

• Develop a creative outlet. Hobbies like painting or playing a musical instrument can tap into a man's soul. Remember that much of the world's greatest art, music and literature was created by the allegedly emotionally challenged sex.
  
• Release stress and anger through exercise. "When you get to the breaking point where you just want to put your head through a wall, taking a ten-minute time-out isn't enough to calm down," says Westover, who in moments of extreme emotion finds a place to drop to the floor and do push-ups.
  
• Try expressing "a little" emotion. "Start with feelings you can control, find a sympathetic ear and use the term 'a little,'" suggests Coleman. Saying you feel "a little" sad or "a little" scared feels safer than a full declaration of vulnerability.
  
• Lean into the discomfort. "Rather than avoiding a feeling that you're not sure how to handle, move toward it," says psychologist Travis Bradberry, PhD, co-author of The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book. "Learning to handle emotions takes time and practice because you need to retrain your brain, but it does get easier." 

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Capturing Moments in Time and Memory

Capturing moments in time and memory is something we all do from time to time.

"I will remember this moment.   I will!"   I have said to myself.   There are times that were so good, or so peaceful, or so moving that I wanted to indelibly impress them on my memory so that I could remember them later.  It is amazing how many of these memories that have been stored away. 

I would like to share a few of such moments in this blog.   They may prompt you to take some mental "snapshots" yourself.

Snapshot
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It was sometime in the summer of my 2nd grade year, and my family had guests over.   There was a wonderful little girl a year older than me, and a year younger than my brother.   I remember my brother and I trying to impress this girl.  She sat on the couch, and he and I would perform dance moves, songs, handstands, somersaults, anything to impress her.   Then my mom called my brother into the kitchen for some reason, and this girl and I finally had time to talk.  I needed to remember this feeling.   I had a huge crush on this girl; it happening over the course of an hour.   I finally had time without competing over her with my brother.  By the time he came back, she and I were sitting together on the couch.  This was a time I did not want to forget.

Snapshot
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My uncle took me up in his plane, sometime when I was 5.  I do not remember much, but there was a moment.   He told me to take the stick when we were up in the sky.  He said to not move it and keep it in the center.   I did, but did not believe that he let go in the front.  When he put up his arms, I knew that for that time I had control, I was flying the plane. 

Snapshot
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T-ball was the bane of my existence.  I would always hit the ball directly to the 1st base player.  I got more OUTs than anyone else in the team.   Yet, one day, I hit the ball and it did not go to 1st base.  It went beyond the pitcher and out into the field.  I ran two bases, but we won the game because the other bases were loaded.  Before I knew it, I was hoisted to the shoulders of my team, and marched around the field. 

Snapshot
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My friend was talking about suicide.  I spent hours talking with him.   When he went home, I did not know what the outcome would be the next day.  I hoped for the best, but was too young and too uninformed that I should have told someone else about my fears.  It was the longest night.   The next day, I talked with him, and he sounded better; not much, but better.  I felt such a sense of relief.   I vowed I would remember that time.  He is now married and has two children and he is happy.

Snapshot
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People around me saw angels.   It was a camp out, and these junior high kids saw angels.   All of us just completed a game where we said what we liked about the people around us.   There was such a sense of peace and love among the group.   Just then, people started stirring and asking who those two people were (pointing to the edge of the fire).  I did not see anything; but they even had different description of who these two were.   About three of us did not see anything at all; I was one of them.   Though in that setting, I believed totally that others were seeing the angels.  It was a moment that I needed to put away, to save, to cherish.

Hear Me! See Me! Understand Me!

There have been times in my life that I have felt misunderstood, ignored, or treated like I just didn't exist.  All of this really boils down to the need to feel accepted by others.

So this blog is really some of those moments where I needed to feel accepted when I felt ignored or misunderstood, and how, each time, as I came to accept myself more, I was more accepted by others.

When I was in Kindergarten, I had a really bad speech problem.   I could not pronounce "R"s to save my life.   When I tried to talk with others, they simple could not understand what I was saying.   I got so frustrated.   My family has told me that I would throw fits and cry a lot because I could not be understood.   My parents started me in speech therapy to correct my "R"s.

I remember that my teacher was so very patient.   I remember repeating certain phrases, words, sounds thousands of times.   I know that I got so angry sometimes, so frustrated, yet she calmly worked with me.   For some time, we worked together and my speech got better.   I cried over it less, was understood more, and started feeling like part of the conversations, play and fun in school.   I got to like my own voice, to accept that I could work on my speech and have people understand my words.  I learned a little of the patience with other people in understanding me that my speech therapist had with me.

The other major time that I felt cut off, ignored was when I was going through Chemotherapy in High School.  I lost my hair, all of it, and even my eyebrows.    I remember my 16th birthday, when some of my friends were invited to my house, and they moved the bed out into the living room so that I could participate in the party while still laying down.   My friends, the close ones, tried their best, but I could feel that because I looked like I did, and that they all knew that I had Cancer, that there were reservations.   Some did not know how to react.  Most, even though they may have not been aware of it, distanced themselves a bit.   I did not blame them.   I would not know how to react back then either.   However, in High School, people really backed off.   I would walk through the halls and actually see people move away a little to either side of the hall.  Not much; a couple of inches or a foot, but they moved.   I could see that everyone saw me, but they acted as if they did not.   Not too many spontaneous conversations with strangers happened that year.  

What helped me, during this time, was the time I spend during the summer at camp.   In that intentional Christian community, I found acceptance and love.   It did not matter how I looked, how I acted, there were too many occasions where I found that others liked me and I liked them.   That did more for my self-acceptance than anything else did in all my High School years.   What it also did, was bolster me for the months when I went to school and experienced this distancing from others.   I started to act like I did in camp, and did not wait for others to begin to accept, welcome or understand me, but went to others and listened, spent time, and tried to hear them and understand them.  Instead of waiting to be seen, I chose to see others around me, for the individuals that they were.

What I truly noticed is that all people want to be seen, understood, heard; but most of all accepted. 

I am struck, constantly, by the Prayer of Saint Francis, and the particular line in bold:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon:

where there is doubt, faith ;

where there is despair, hope

where there is darkness, light

where there is sadness, joy

O divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Immersed in Life

I do not spend enough time surrounding myself with those things and experiences that are positive, are joyful or peaceful.   It seems that life is full of the loud, the distressing, the worrying, the anxious, and the negative.  They are so easy to capture the attention.   Let's face it, part of my likes the drama; likes the complaining; likes the ups and downs of it all.....that is...until I don't anymore.

My ego likes that drama.   It thrives on it.  It likes defining itself as what is their to oppose it.   It likes complaining.   It has fun being miserable.   It justifies it's own existence this way.   I am tired of it.

What brought me to this point was the many times that I have purposely sought life-affirming situations, encounters, people.  The comparison between the two brought me to the point of choosing even more such situations.

That is what this blog is going to be about.   Immersing myself in life.  

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I had a wonderful experience by a lake.  It was a fall day; the sun partially hidden by the clouds; the rays bouncing off of the ripples caused by the wind.  Geese were floating in the water; occasionally dipping completely in to snag a fish or some small morsel of food underwater. 

I had brought a small, folding chair with me and a book.   I set it up next to the shore and opened the book, preparing to read.   I saw a couple of geese harassing some families that were to be fed.   Wow...pushy geese.   One caught me eye though.   He (She) was close to the shore and just looking at me.   He didn't move from his spot, just kept looking.   I dropped my head and started reading.   Whenever I looked up, there he was looking.   A smile crept on my face.  This went on for about 10 minutes. 

Finally, out of nowhere I just said out loud to the goose, "OK, if you are going to keep me company today, you might as well get out of the water and come join me here."   Nothing happened.

I read a few more pages, and looked up.   The geese was closer to the shore.   I got this little thrill, but shrugged it off and went back reading.  When I looked up again, the goose was on the shore, not ten feet from me.  "Great.  Glad you could join me," I said.

Just then a car drove up to the parking area and the goose took off, back into the water and quickly to the center of the lake. 

For a while I did not know what to make of this.  Whereas before, I would have attributed this behavior to the fact the goose thought I had food and that was why it came out of the water.   But I chose to interpret it as a moment of that goose understanding me and I understanding it; that neither of us were a threat to the other; that we both just wanted some companionship for a while.

This moment recharged me.  I felt good, happy, even joyful the rest of that day.   Such a simple thing.  

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Another moment happened when I was visiting my church.  They have a Mother's Day Out program where Tuesdays and Thursdays they have classes with pre-k children.   I love these days, when I can stop by, because the whole church is full of life.  

Little children are so full of laughter, discovery, and unabashed wonder.   I talk with some of them, some of the teaches, some of the church staff.   It actually doesn't matter what I do when I am there.   The life that surrounds me, sinks in.  It lightens my mood, recharges my spirit.  

I find that when I play piano there, new tunes, new arrangements, new compositions just flow out of my hands.  I know it is not my skill or talent, but rather that after having breathed in the life around me, I exhale that life out in playing music, singing, praying.   It seems more natural than anything else.

During one of these visits, the kids were just getting up after their nap, and I sat down in one of the chairs in the nap room.  Suddenly, I found myself surrounded by about ten children, all talking at once.  The first one said that he had a dog.  This started all the others describing the animals they had.   I kept it going by saying that I had a cat, and found that children have firm opinions about whether a cat or dog is the best pet to have.

It was just amazing that I became this focus for all these children; like they had all these things to share and suddenly a new adult was there to tell all of their stories.  Again, I left this encounter feeling great for the rest of the day.

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I know that these are simple things; simple moments in time.  Yet, they are life.  Nature, living things, children, friends.  These are all the connections that make life rich, that recharge my batteries.

When I compare this with what I surround myself with normally, I truly wonder why I don't make the choice to experience life more often and strife less.  

Loving Yourself - Step 12

At last, we are at the end of the 12-step blog on loving yourself.  

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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.
11. To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.
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Step 12:  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.

The most important thing about loving yourself and going through these steps is the realization you can now use these tools and principles to help other people.


Helping others is a significant part of loving yourself, and there are many ways that this gets passed on. When you live it and share it with others, you are carrying the message that everyone is worthy, capable, and deserving to love themselves fully.  In practicing the step 12 you will find that:

• By loving others by witnessing to how you have learned to love yourself, that your appreciation of the love you have for yourself and it's impact on your life deepens.
• By hearing the stories of other's jorneys, you are reminded of where you were when you started.
• By modeling to others, you become aware that you need to practice what you preach.
• By giving to others, you develop bonds with new people who you need and who really need you.
• By helping others, you give what you have received.
• By supporting new beginnings, you revitalize your own efforts.

The selfless service of this work is the very principle of step 12. We received our ability to love ourselves from the God of our understanding, so we now make ourselves available as His tool to share this with those who seek it. Most of us learn in time that we can only carry our message to someone who is asking for help. Sometimes the only message necessary is to show by the power of example.  

I now love myself better, and show it in all my thoughts, words and actions, in an effort to be true to the person I am becoming, and to love and serve those around me and help them in any way in their journey of loving themselves.

Step 12 really is the time when we create a mission statement for what we will do with this new and renewed sense of self-love.   We have been loved and now we love in return.   We have breathed in the unconditional love from a greater power, seen and practiced how it can change our own ability to love ourselves, and are now ready to breath out; to spread that love of self to others.

For myself, I never feel more loving toward myself than when I have helped show another not only what to love in themselves but how to do it.   Life takes on a new meaning when you witness others starting to love and trust themselves; when they begin to see themselves through that divine focus of unconditional love.


We best love ourselves by putting into practice with others, the love we now feel in us.

Loving Yourself - Step 11

Let us review the steps so far in loving yourself .....
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.
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We are now on the second to last step.   Actually the step that keeps this whole process working for the future.

Step 11:  To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!

Step 11 is the continuous reinforcement of step 3:  " To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us."  For 100 people, we all have a different perception of what God is.  Hopefully, by the time we have gotten to step 11, we understand truly that there is something greater than ourselves that we need to realize that unconditional love for ourselves.   Step 11 continually reinforces the need to seek that conscious contact through prayer and meditation.   To touch that unconditional love, and realize it is again a part of our lives.


Let us break this step down again into multiple parts, to better understand them.

1.  To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God.

I could go into several thousand different forms of prayer and as many forms of meditation that are out there. When we seek something through prayer and meditation, at the core, this means participating in thinking, speaking, and behaving in ways that bring us to realize and connect with a greater power.  It may take a while to find exactly what that is in our lives.   We may go through several types of prayer and meditation; discarding those methods that do not work for us, and embracing those that do.

When we find these individual ways of prayer and meditation, we start making conscious contact.  This  means being aware, mindful, and awake to align ourselves with God, as we understand God. We gain a perception of the way to truth - illuminating our path to success, happiness, and peace of mind.


To have conscious contact with God is to be alert with our inner essence. We gain awareness and attentiveness to our chosen path to freedom. We gain the familiarity and knowledge to live in accordance with God's will for our lives.

2.  Praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!





When we become aware of the Light of God's love through prayer and meditation, we become at peace with ourselves, our life's direction, and of our new-found life within.  We start slowly seeing ourselves again through the eyes of that unconditional love.

With this knowledge, we feel, deep within us, the serenity that we once thought was impossible to achieve.   We start feeling this peace, because our greatest fear, that of not being worthy of being love, and not being loved, has lost it's power over us.

We realize that our Higher Power has been with us from the start. It has been guiding us thus far through the Steps, and now our Higher Power desires for us to strengthen the conscious contact necessary to continue growing in our journey.

As you can see, this entire step is realizing, reinforcing, and reviewing the unconditional love for which we are always worthy, always experiencing, always immersed.   This step maintains out spiritual connection which continually allows us to re-experience all or any of the steps we will need to review as our life, loving ourselves, continues.

Loving Yourself - Step 10

To review:   The nine steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.
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Step 10:  To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.

Step 10 is the last step when we are creating our lists of the times we have harmed ourselves.   Step 9 was learning to identify when shame and guilt come up when looking back on those issues and to correct them.   Step 10 is learning to prevent self-criticism as new experiences happen.   It is being proactive, instead of letting those experiences become self-critical memories.

It is only by having gone through the other 9 steps that this step even becomes possible.   It is also very difficult.   Why?   Because none of us want to face when we are being self-critical.   I know it is ironic, but it is difficult to face the fact that we are self-critical without being self-critical.  Yet, we can do the same things we have done in the earlier steps.   We can choose to accept honestly, when the first inkling of self-criticism hits, that we are experiencing it, and can choose to change our thinking.

Like step 9, sometimes we build up the habit of categorizing experiences immediately in terms of negative self-thoughts and positive self-thoughts.  It is sometimes immediate, happening in a second.  We know immediately when we have said or done the wrong thing and we do everything in our power to apologize to ourselves and others before too much time has passed.

For example, I was talking with a friend and we were talking about getting chocolate and I said that it was a good mood-altering substance, realizing only then that my friend was bi-polar and might take that statement in the wrong way.   I could have reviewed this statement I made over and over again, blaming myself for my own stupidity over and over.   However, by stopping and realizing that I made a mistake, apologizing, and moving on, the self-criticism has no chance of becoming a reinforced cycle of criticism and shame and guilt.  Also, there are times that I think that I could have done something different, I could have treated myself better, better food or more exercise.   I stop and see that these are valid points, but that I have the opportunity to change my present behavior to be closer to what I desire for myself.   I see what needs to be changed (1st critical thought) and then choose to change it (Step 10).

Step 10 is really a consciousness raising step.  It is retraining our mind to no longer equate negative self-thoughts with self-criticism, but rather with acceptance, choice, and forgiveness.

Loving Yourself - Step 9

The ninth step is finally here.

To review:   The steps so far of Loving Yourself
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
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Step 9:  To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.

Do you notice that this 12-step blog has a lot to do with creating lists, looking at ourselves, and preventing self-critical thoughts from becoming Shame and Guilt.   Step 9 specifically looks at seeing and recognizing when that shame and guilt start coming up.

I am going to take a little different take on this step than usual.   I have the feeling that I am repeating myself a lot.  So here goes.

Why we experience shame and guilt?

We are believers in cause and effect. When something goes wrong, we want to know why. How did it happen? What went wrong? Could it have been prevented -- and if so, how? What could/should we have done differently?   Let's face it.  We want to blame somebody.   The closest person happens to be us.   Especially if we are honestly looking at our list.  


As a behavior pattern, guilt often becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: we do something, we feel guilty about it, we punish ourselves and, because we feel bad, we end up repeating our behavior at the next available opportunity.

The debilitating cycle of guilt continues largely because we do not take full responsibility for our actions or for changing our behavior. But how do we start the process of taking responsibility? By considering, with complete honesty, the part we play in any situation and accepting our role in creating events.

What can we do about changing those feelings?

The problem is that our habitual reactions to past regrets have become programmed.  Our shame and guilt are learned responses.  We change how we perceive, how we think, and how we react and we reduce that shame and guilt.

I have talked about choosing before to reduce self-criticism.   The same thing applies here.

Every time guilt or shame surfaces, stop;  take time, think, and then choose to think differently, to change your perspective.  How can these thoughts bring about something positive?

The easiest way to see how to do this is to give some examples of thoughts and conditions and how we can change our perspective on them.

"I shouldn't have gotten drunk and said those mean things to my friend!'

If you have ever said something that you regret to someone else, I mean really regret, it has a tendency to tear you up inside.   It sponsors thoughts like, "Will they ever forgive me?  Will they even like me?  How could I say something so cruel?"   All these thoughts bring about more guilt and shame.   These thoughts can be changed.

"OK; I got drunk and was cruel to my friend.   Now I have a reason to really talk with them and, if not mend the relationship, ask for forgiveness, at least open up the lines of communication."

"I should not have pushed all the people away in my life that were trying to get closer"

Self thoughts from this run the gambit from, "They will never want to get close now." or "I deserve to be as lonely as I am!"

How about changing those thoughts to ones like, "Like my loved ones, I can now reach out to them like they did to me and try to get closer.   I can ask for help from them and be a friend to them." 

See how shame and guilt have no place when you change these thoughts.   These feelings arise from fear.   When you choose and change to react with love, they go away.   When you find positive ways to react when you feel such feelings, the cycle of guilt is broken.  Not only that, the way to self-forgiveness, and self-growth lies open.








I look back and see that