I am continually amazed by how much I do not know about stuff. I am ignorant; sometimes not even with the blissful ignorance people talk about; but rather, the more "disconnected from life, the earth, and everyone" ignorance.
This brings me to the point of this blog: Emotional Intelligence.
According to Psychology Today, Emotional Intelligence is the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. It is the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.
There are four different factors of emotional intelligence:
1. the perception of emotion,
2. the ability to reason using emotions,
3. the ability to understand emotion,
4. and the ability to manage emotions.
I can talk about E.I. (Emotional Intelligence) as a definition, and go through all the parts, but it really is like a bio-researcher talking about love.
So....here is something a little different; how to fail an E.I. questionnaire.
The Perception of Emotion
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"She's not that into you! She was not smiling at you...that was her baring her teeth"
- Being one of the guys that takes a girl being nice to them as an invitation to ask them out on a date.
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!
"Just give them some space! Otherwise, you might not like what she will say!"
Not realizing that sometimes people just don't want to talk out their emotions, they want to be alone.
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!
The ability to reason using emotions
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"I don't want to go with you because shopping really makes me feel bored, and like I am wasting those hours of my life on nothing at all!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!
"If you could just understand that when you spend time with your friends, your intelligence goes down."
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!
The ability to understand emotion
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"But you just cried 10 minutes ago! This is the last time we are getting a chick-flick!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!
"How can you be jealous over a girl that doesn't even wear a bra!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!
The ability to manage emotions.
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"What do you mean? I had to punch something. I will fix the hole in the wall this weekend!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!
"So, I didn't realize he was a cop until after I gave him the finger!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!
These are some ways to make fun of all the times that we men have not shown that high a level of emotional intelligence. I am one of them. I admit it.
Why are men particularly guilty of having a low emotional intelligence?
Let me say, that in writing this blog, I researched some things about emotions and the sexes. It seems that men experience emotions as deeply as women. Though men compartmentalize and intellectualize more, women are affected more directly, more quickly than men.
The male mind is hard-wired differently. Women, in PET and dynamic contrast studies of the blood flow in the brain, show a much quicker transition of activity level between the logical, reasoning and emotional centers of the brain; namely the left and right hemispheres. Men show a much slower transitioning of activity.
This may explain why, in 125 studies in various cultures, boys and men were consistently less accurate at interpreting unspoken messages in gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice. Men also react less intensely to emotions, and forget them faster. In an experiment at Stanford University, photographs of upsetting or traumatic images triggered greater activity in more regions of female brains. Three weeks later the women remembered more detail about the pictures than the men.
Men do experience strong emotions. In fact, during traumatic emotional events, such as divorce or the loss of a loved one, those raw emotions cannot be compartmentalized or intellectualized. Once those floodgates are open, they are rarely if ever closed. In these situations, developing emotional intelligence is not only preferable, but necessary for the man to have a better chance of future, positive, and nurturing emotional relationships.
So what can we Men as a species do to increase our Emotional Intelligence?
All I can say is that it takes an effort, a choice to step back and think of how my reactions, my words, can affect the emotions of those around me. When I do take this pause, and I do think about the emotional content of the situation, I do show more emotional intelligence.
Just ask yourself:
Am I understanding the emotional context of this situation?
What I am about to say; does it take into account the feelings of the other person?
What am I feeling now, and how does it affect what I am about to say and do?
Are my emotional needs being expressed in a way that does not infringe on other's emotional needs.
All of these steps require that men allow themselves to feel and express their emotions first.
There are some tips from Reader's Digest in the Oct 2005 issue that may be of help to both men and the women in their life.
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Guys, Try These:
- Develop a creative outlet. Hobbies like painting or playing a musical instrument can tap into a man's soul. Remember that much of the world's greatest art, music and literature was created by the allegedly emotionally challenged sex.
- Release stress and anger through exercise. "When you get to the breaking point where you just want to put your head through a wall, taking a ten-minute time-out isn't enough to calm down," says Westover, who in moments of extreme emotion finds a place to drop to the floor and do push-ups.
- Try expressing "a little" emotion. "Start with feelings you can control, find a sympathetic ear and use the term 'a little,'" suggests Coleman. Saying you feel "a little" sad or "a little" scared feels safer than a full declaration of vulnerability.
- Lean into the discomfort. "Rather than avoiding a feeling that you're not sure how to handle, move toward it," says psychologist Travis Bradberry, PhD, co-author of The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book. "Learning to handle emotions takes time and practice because you need to retrain your brain, but it does get easier."
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