Hear Me! See Me! Understand Me!

There have been times in my life that I have felt misunderstood, ignored, or treated like I just didn't exist.  All of this really boils down to the need to feel accepted by others.

So this blog is really some of those moments where I needed to feel accepted when I felt ignored or misunderstood, and how, each time, as I came to accept myself more, I was more accepted by others.

When I was in Kindergarten, I had a really bad speech problem.   I could not pronounce "R"s to save my life.   When I tried to talk with others, they simple could not understand what I was saying.   I got so frustrated.   My family has told me that I would throw fits and cry a lot because I could not be understood.   My parents started me in speech therapy to correct my "R"s.

I remember that my teacher was so very patient.   I remember repeating certain phrases, words, sounds thousands of times.   I know that I got so angry sometimes, so frustrated, yet she calmly worked with me.   For some time, we worked together and my speech got better.   I cried over it less, was understood more, and started feeling like part of the conversations, play and fun in school.   I got to like my own voice, to accept that I could work on my speech and have people understand my words.  I learned a little of the patience with other people in understanding me that my speech therapist had with me.

The other major time that I felt cut off, ignored was when I was going through Chemotherapy in High School.  I lost my hair, all of it, and even my eyebrows.    I remember my 16th birthday, when some of my friends were invited to my house, and they moved the bed out into the living room so that I could participate in the party while still laying down.   My friends, the close ones, tried their best, but I could feel that because I looked like I did, and that they all knew that I had Cancer, that there were reservations.   Some did not know how to react.  Most, even though they may have not been aware of it, distanced themselves a bit.   I did not blame them.   I would not know how to react back then either.   However, in High School, people really backed off.   I would walk through the halls and actually see people move away a little to either side of the hall.  Not much; a couple of inches or a foot, but they moved.   I could see that everyone saw me, but they acted as if they did not.   Not too many spontaneous conversations with strangers happened that year.  

What helped me, during this time, was the time I spend during the summer at camp.   In that intentional Christian community, I found acceptance and love.   It did not matter how I looked, how I acted, there were too many occasions where I found that others liked me and I liked them.   That did more for my self-acceptance than anything else did in all my High School years.   What it also did, was bolster me for the months when I went to school and experienced this distancing from others.   I started to act like I did in camp, and did not wait for others to begin to accept, welcome or understand me, but went to others and listened, spent time, and tried to hear them and understand them.  Instead of waiting to be seen, I chose to see others around me, for the individuals that they were.

What I truly noticed is that all people want to be seen, understood, heard; but most of all accepted. 

I am struck, constantly, by the Prayer of Saint Francis, and the particular line in bold:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon:

where there is doubt, faith ;

where there is despair, hope

where there is darkness, light

where there is sadness, joy

O divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.