"You're just being too sensitive!"

"You're just being too sensitive!"

Oftentimes, this kind of thing is said when we say something to someone and they take it much harder than we intended it to be taken.    Yet, to defend ourselves, we put it on them that they are too sensitive.   Yes, i myself am guilty of this more than once.   And you know what, I am sensitive.

I really think I need to look at this whole sensitivity thing a bit closer.

I think to some degree that everyone has sensitivities in certain areas of their life.   Usually, it has to do with some emotional situation that occurred in their past, or that they have caused or been caused to feel some intense emotion, physical pain, or spiritual angst.

Emotional sensitivity is very common.   Oftentimes, when we are talking with people, we notice that certain subjects are avoided by people.   They become quiet, or change the subject very quickly, or become suddenly defensive.   We almost expect this.   In fact, when conversation is so easy and effortless and it seems that no topic is uncomfortable or off-limits, that we ourselves start feeling a little uncomfortable.   We are guarded or reserved and feel bad that we cannot return the open and honest and unguarded conversation of the other.

Emotional sensitivity also means that there are more direct connections to that other person's emotions in some areas that others.   The normal defenses are not working.   The level and speed with which these emotions can be accessed and are expressed are out of proportion with the others.   If we are goodd listeners, and good friends, these areas are sometimes portals into a deeper understanding of another

Physical sensitivity is also very common.   People who have had injuries, or some physical trauma, or emotional trauma that is triggered by a physical sensation, reaction, or condition, also are protective and sometimes defensive about these areas.   For example, when I was overweight, and tried to hide my gut (which was very large) I would not allow people to touch my stomach.   I was not aware of it, but I would block people from even getting near my stomach.   I also has a triple fracture in my foot and for months later, I was very careful about even touching my own foot.   It was in my awareness all the time.   People pick up on this.   Some people we consider "touchy" usually have a good reason.   Victims of physical abuse, or traumatic injury usually are very sensitive about being touched. 

In some recovery programs for people who have gone through traumatic physical events, there are such things as rebirthing events and other touch intensive therapies.   Ironically, several of these techniques also help getting over emotional traumas as well. 

Spiritual sensitivity is a tricky one.   Though, in my own experience, I would say that his is more common than the other two.   We have all had experiences that can be interpreted as either very normal, realistic, logical, explainable, and grounded.   Conversely, other experiences we may consider otherworldly, spiritual, existential, unreal, and nebulous.   These experiences can be as traumatic or more so than emotional or physical events.   Most people with whom I have talked about spirituality are extremely touchy about this.   I have been touchy about this myself.   Many people are very sensitive about their spirituality their entire lives.   There are fewer resources to explore, get in touch with, and work through our spiritual sensitivities.   For physical and emotional sensitivities, there are medical, holistic, psychological,  social and may other avenues for understanding and addressing these sensitivities.

Being sensitive is not bad or good.   I guess I may have painted it as only being related to traumas or bad things happening.   This is not true.   There are times of intense physical, emotional and spiritual events that are enormously positive.

The easiest example of physical positive sensitivity is of course, physical pleasure.   Some pleasure is so enormously fulfilling that once we experience it, we change the course of our lives so that we can experience it again.   (No....I am not just talking about sex.)  There are adherents to some Yoga philosophies and practices because they wish to recapture the physical, transcendent states that they human body can get into.  

Emotionally, crushes are a great example of positive sensitivities.   Our senses seem more alive, we notice all the small and subtle things about the other person.  

Spiritually, there have been mountain-top experiences that have changed a person's life, and sometimes an entire country's or church's history.

The common thread through all these areas of sensitivity is that they are more direct connections to the senses, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs of people.   If treated with respect, they are very effective avenues to get to know and love another person for who they are.   If disrespected, they can be relationship and friendship killers.

I guess I just had to explore this sensitivity question.   Consider it my own sensitivity training.

Observations from a Recovering Intensaholic!

Again, the deep end.

I am an intensaholic.  I am addicted to being intense.   Take it from me; do not stay in the deep end all the time!

Most people cannot sustain that intensity and attribute lasting and deep significance to everything that happens.  Normally, people experience a life-altering experience and they temporarily become intense.   Eventually, they revert back to a normal level.

It is good to visit the deep end from time to time.   It alters the way we view the world and does make us appreciative of the little things in life, and of the people who deserve our appreciation.   Do not stay in this place!   People are meant to cycle from one level to another; never being in one state or another for very long.

I have lived at this level of moment to moment significance, attributing vast meaning to almost every occurrence in my life.  There are some shortcomings.

By choosing to live each moment in this way I miss the moments that mean nothing more than that I can enjoy people's quirks, mannerisms, faults, and idiosyncrasies that make relationships so rich in the first place.  If I do not take these at face value, read too much into these actions, then the spontaneity and joy is lost.   Sometimes a joke is a joke, and a silly comment is a silly comment.   No one likes their trivial offerings to be taken as some huge, significant truth or observation.   It spoils the ability for others to be themselves and to be spontaneous in their dealings with me.

While I feel comfortable being intense most of the time, other people begin to feel a little "creepy" around me.   I do not blame them.   If I looked at myself with the intense focus that I give to others, I would be "creeped" out too.    There are times when we like to have someone's undivided attention.   It makes us feel valued and that someone listens to us.   When we wish to be ignored, to not have that focus on us, then when someone like me locks my eyes on them, they want to leave the area.   It has happened many times.

Being intense also means that when I do not have a target for that intensity, it turns inward.   Then instead of seeing significance in everything that others do, I attribute too much and too many times, incorrect attributions to my own thoughts and actions.   It is like being on trial and you are your own persecutor, judge and jury.

As this blog started out stating, I am a recovering Intensiholic.

So from me to you.....

"Every moment is pregnant with significance; but, even pregnancies have their lighter side!"

The Deep End - Watch Out

On numerous occasions, I have been so caught up in living in the deep end, that I have forgot that it is in the deep end that I and others can drown.

For example, years ago, when I was out of college, had a job with the state, a place of my own, I tried dating.   Yes, even me.

There was one lady with whom I started a wonderful email conversation.   Several emails into it and I thought it was headed toward something, though I had never met her in person.   She was a friend of a friend.   That kind of thing.

On the fourth email, something just happened to my self-governor and all these weighty matters, opinions, and intense perceptions just came out.   All communication ceased on her part.    I wrote another couple of emails, asking after her, but nothing.

I looked over that email, and put myself in her shoes.   What seemed to be a light and humorous exchange of ideas in the past 3 emails was overcome by this serious monologue that showed a person, not light and pleasant but deep and brooding.   I was astonished that this email even came from me.  

I got to the point that I was comfortable enough to launch myself into the deep end.   She was not in the same place.   Later, I learned that she had met someone else, not long after this email.   Such is life.

The point of this little sojourn into my past is that I was so excited about sharing my deep feelings and thoughts with someone that I bypassed that little thing called small-talk.   I did not wait until both people in the relationship were comfortable with this intensity, but only waited until I was comfortable.

A few years later, I was on the opposite end of this experience.

I met the sister of one of my friends at the state.   She was wickedly intelligence.   I love intelligent women.  She not only got all of my second and third related quotes, humor, insights, etc., but she blew me out of the water with some of hers.   The first date was fantastic.   I could live in the deep end with ease with this person.   Or so I thought.

It quickly became apparent that she placed so much significance in absolutely everything that I said and did and that she took life so seriously that I was the one who tried to lighten things up.   I told jokes, quips, puns.   I tried to change the subject on multiple occasion when things were getting too intense.   It just so happened that circumstances changed in such a way that she left for another city and we stopped talking. 

From these two experiences, I can finally see that small-talk, humor, light conversation and fun is so important because even I (who have lived in the deep end most of my life) need to paddle and splash in the shallow end from time to time.

Every moment is pregnant with significance.   But even pregnancy has its funny points (or so I have heard).

Sudden Happenings

 

Sometimes things happen so fast that we are just not prepared for them.

Today, while returning from work, I saw a min-van overturned in a ditch under a bridge.   I immediately hit my brakes, turned around, parked and went down into the gully.   The minivan was completely upside down, steam coming off the underside of the engine.   I tried calling 911 but my cell had no signal.  I went on down.

The driver was there, but it took a little while for me to be able to tell that he was even alive.   I got close enough that I could hear him breathing, but it sounded like he had punctured a lung, or like breathing though water; that gurgling sound.   Blood was coming from his mouth and covered part of his head.

I tried to talk to him, to get him to respond, but he did not.   At this time, I hailed the next car that came down this country road and he called 911 on his cell phone.   But even he could not keep the signal and he had to call back.   Finally a dump truck came by and he used his two-way to call EMS.

I found myself telling this man that he was going to be fine.   That help was on its way.   All the stupid things that I always see on TV, but what else could I say to him.   I was not even sure the was conscious.

When the other man got out of his truck and knelt down by the man I went around the overturned minivan and looked to see if there was a passenger.   The entire passenger portion of the cab was completely crushed.   I thought the worse at that point.

Finally, a medic happened to be driving by and she stayed with the driver.   We had to wait for EMS and the police to show up.

This was the first time I had been around this kind of thing.   I felt helpless while waiting for help to arrive.   If this had happened in the city I think we would have had someone there within 5 minutes.   Out in the country it was more like 15 minutes.    The longest 15 minutes of my life.   I assume, even longer for the driver.

This happening reminded me that we really have no control over things sometime.   Sometime we feel helpless and do not know what we can do.    We are told that under certain conditions we are to do nothing.   We wait for the professionals to arrive.   We wait for someone who is trained to take over.

Sometimes we can do more harm by trying to do good when we do not have the skills or the training to provide the help that is really needed.

This goes for more than just accidents and car crashes.   Sometimes, we would like to think that we can counsel someone about a crisis they are currently experiencing.   It is the wise person who knows when to request that the other person get some professional help.   Otherwise, we may do more harm.

We cannot solve some problems.   We must ask for help.

I must ask for help.

Receiving at the Speed of Appreciation

Have you heard the many stories of lottery winners, or people who inherit huge sums, or those that suddenly come into money through the sales of a business or idea?  Most who suddenly go from being poor to rich have trouble not loosing everything after two or three years.

There are stories after stories about people who lost it all, and feel like their life would have been better if they had never become rich.

This is an easy example of what happens when we receive something so fast that we cannot appreciate it.  We can not recognize the true worth, the place in our lives, the subjective and objective impact that these changes will bring to our lives.

When things are slowed down, and people have the time or make the time to appreciate what they have received, take time to invest, to get financial counseling, then at the end of two to three years they are the ones who still have money, friends, relationships.  

This also applies to much more than money. 

So how do we Receive at the Speed of Appreciation?

1.  Accept change peacefully.

Whenever change comes into our lives, if we stop and accept it peacefully, then we realize that we choose how to think and respond to what has happened.   We can accept it without the resistance, shock, denial, or even overblown happiness,  euphoria, loss of inhibition.   If our goal with change is to have a goal of peace, then we can be in a place where we can take stock of our true situation without being overwhelmed by the change itself.

2.  See the change in the context of what kind of person you wish to be with this change in your life.

If you received money, how do you wish to see yourself in relation to that money.   Are you going to be a flash in the pan, or a dedicated financial investor?  There is no wrong answer.   If you want to live quick and live large for a short time, go for it.   At least you have thought about it.   If you just received a new car, a new house, or a new business, again how do you see yourself in relation to it?  Change, regardless of what it is, defines who we are in relationship to it.   Most people react.   By appreciating it, we have the opportunity to make a choice of who we wish to be.

3.  Appreciate how your change affect others.

If you have a new business, family and friends and even strangers are going to react to you differently.   If you get a large amount of cash, the same thing happens.   If a change like losing a job or business occurs, again it will affect the relationships around you.   Once again, who will you be to these other people?   Will the change in your life make you retreat, become defensive, secretive.   Or will you choose to be open, honest, and self-respecting?   Change is the perfect time to define who you will be to those around you.

4.  As the time period between experiencing change and appreciating that change decreases, the ability to handle change in your life improves.

Wouldn't it be great if we could be guaranteed to have peace of mind regardless of what happened in our lives?   This is really what this blog is about.   When you receive at the speed of appreciation, you are ensuring that you have peace of mind.   You are also ensuring that the change will affect you in the way that you choose to have it affect you.

So...Write a Book

I  have been asked by a few of my friends why I do not write a book.   This is a good question.

My first response, sadly, is one of fear.  

A Book.   That is such a commitment of time and effort! 

Then, of course, comes the other self-statements:

What if it is no good?

Will anyone even read it?

Then, I have to be honest and ask myself the other questions:

What if it is good?

What if other people start expecting other good books from me?

What if I am looked at as some expert or something?

These fears all boil down to a fear of disappointing the people around me by not living up to their expectations.  

Let's face it, if I do nothing, there are no expectations.

Yet, I limit myself so greatly by not attempting to do those things that require taking risks.   Like writing a book.   It is at the edge of risks, and at the edge of my own discomfort that real living takes place.

So, will I start writing a book?   It is so difficult to put these words out there in the universe.   So much resistance.   But......yes.   Universe, I will be writing a book.   God, I will write a book.   And of course, Oh God!  I am writing a book!  (Help me Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Celebrate your Culture.

I am attracted to many other cultures.   There is the varied and amazing group of cultures that we all categorize as "American Indian."   This is a little unfair as there were thousands of individual tribes, thousands of beliefs, way of life, dress, customs, etc.   Some were nomadic while others were some of the first to practice animal husbandry on the North American continent.   Then there is everything in between.  

I met a member of the Cheyenne tribe.  She and her family had lived in Minnesota for years before moving to Texas.   I was immediately taken by the richness of her culture and her history.   She gathered once a year with other Cheyenne to celebrate this culture.   In fact, they had two celebrations.   One celebration was more for the public, with the custom dress and dance.   The other was just for the members of the tribe. 

In the first, they enacted their rituals much like my family did when celebrating Christmas in a Pageant at church.  It meant something, but the real meaning was back at home, with friends and family, being ourselves.   From what I heard from this woman, I think the second gathering was very much like this.   They just loved getting back together with family and friends and celebrating that fact.

I am a bit envious of people who know their history and culture and celebrate that part of their lives.   Being a Mutt, a combination of many nationalities, I do not have a defined culture.  I think I miss out.  I think I miss out a lot.

From a mutt to you;  if you have a rich culture, celebrate it.   Don't miss out on knowing your history and rejoicing in it.

Some Reflections on a Friend's Childhood

Years ago, I had a talk with a woman who really has some problems with connecting with men.   She has more than ample reason for this.  Trust me.

She was adopted.   But rather than being totally accepted and taken into her new family, the mother loved her, but the father never connected with her.   Later, when her parents had a child, the father treated him with all the love and devotion that he never showed her.   When growing up, all the problems that came up were her fault.   She was the underachiever, the problem child in her father's eyes.


When she finally left for college, she immediately found herself dating men who treated her as a second-class person.   They ridiculed her and ignored her, blamed her for everything, and eventually left her.   She would immediately try to find another relationship, and the cycle would start all over again.


What amazed me is that there were men who were attracted by her, that were honest, decent, and kind men.   She just did not find them attractive.   She would not give them the time of day.


It was very troubling seeing her go from bad relationship and less than wonderful man to the other.


Now, I felt from her this deep resentment to all men.   I can empathize.   Yet, I see this as a step.  I am not saying that hating all men is a good thing, but at least she is now angry over something, rather than being apathetic or depairing over how she is treated by those same men.


I know that there are many things that I would share with her today, that I did not when I knew her.


I would say that it is more of a risk to get together with a person with whom you can actually develop intimacy.   When the other person takes the time to get to know and understand you, loves you, and with whom you feel comfortable enough to start healing yourself.


I truly feel that love and intimacy, mutual acceptance and patience can help her in a relationship to face those fears of inadequacy, not being loved, not being valued.

Just like this woman, we all have those fears of never being loved.   She has the disadvantage of not being loved as a child, but I feel that she, like us, can heal that portion of her life.

If we are surrounded by love, we can face ourselves; take the pain that all such honest self-reflection creates, and learn to love ourselves.   This is really what healthy relationships are so good at doing.   Allowing us to love and respect ourselves.

I hope she is doing better these days.   She, like all of us, deserve to be loved and to love.

Inspire another and Inspire Yourself.

I was reminded, quite strongly today, that getting over being negative about my own life is simply a matter of trying to inspire someone else with their life.

Sounds easy?   Guess what, it is!!

I was feeling a little discouraged today.   Some things in my life that I wanted to have in my life by this time are not yet in my life.   There are several excuses for this.   Some of them are actually valid, but the timetables I set for myself are slipping.   It is discouraging.   Literally, the opposite of courage, fear.  Dis-Couraging.  After chatting with my friend, I no longer felt discouraged.   I felt full of life and re-inspired.

A little background about my friend:

She is going through a horrific time with her son.   He has severe heart problems and his prognosis for even the next 5 years is not too good.   She asked me my opinion on how to keep him from worrying about the tests that are upcoming and his prognosis.   Worrying is really not a strong enough word.   Despairing might be a better one.

I found that by talking with her about the hope, the quality of life, the strength of humor, and the attitude that the parents have directly effect how their child will process events.   Will it be a time of fear about what may come, or will it be a time of getting the information they need to know to live life to the fullest amongst his particular limitations.  

I do not quote myself that much in these blogs, but I feel that the words that came from my mouth show that something greater than myself was giving me the words.    (In other words, I am not this wise in real life.  I have to have help from a divine source.)

This is part of a conversation with the mother of this boy on the impending day of cardiac testing.
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"Children pick up on what is happening around them.  They look to their parents and family for cues to their behavior in any situation.   If you are tense and worrying about his testing, he will be.   If you rather see it as helpful, he will."

"Testing helps to get rid of the unknown.   The fear comes from the unknown.   Am I healthy, ill, dying, is my heart failing again?  What is my prognosis?   Can I have any hope when I do not know the future?  Anything that can give you concrete information will help you and your son to address whatever comes up."



"If you have as the goal of the next couple of weeks is to find what there is about life that you can appreciate and love, live and enjoy now, then the day you get testing done will be just like those days.   They are ones filled with life, love, joy, hope, and peace."

"Have as the goal of that day of testing to live the sh*t out of life!   Knock the doctor's and P.A.'s socks off by your vibrancy for living.   By your hope and joy shining out of your life.   Tell jokes that day.   Get a book of jokes and keep the reception area in stitches.    Live."
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The Next Breath

Nothing in life is so little that one cannot appreciate it. - Anonymous

In college, I had a friend that had severe asthma.   He and I talked one day about what happens when he had a severe attack.   It opened my eyes to what we all take for granted in this life:  our next breath.

He told me that sometimes his air passages would suddenly close down and breathing was like inflating a balloon using a coffee straw.   No matter how hard he tried to breathe in, he felt he was slowly suffocating.  Many times, he said, that his vision would start going dim; turning dark around the edges.   I cannot think of anything more scary than to use your utmost effort and energy just to take the next breath.

I so take life for granted.

Medically, we have no idea why we are alive.  There really is no reason why the next breath even comes.  Just imagine.   The very air coming into our lungs, the thousands of chemical reactions that take place in a second that transfer that oxygen to our bloodstream, is truly amazing.   It is the ultimate demonstration of faith that we actually can forget that we breath.   We can go to sleep without the fear that we will stop this cycle.

Yet, at any moment, we can choose to hold our breath; take in a deeper breath; breath shallow; breath into the upper chest; breath into the lower chest.   If you are a singer or play a brass instrument, you know all these ways of breathing.   Breath the wrong way and you cannot sustain the music, the notes, the song.

The analogy though goes far past just taking in the oxygen we need.   Breathing in is also taking in life.   Breathing out is making an expression of that life.  We express (push out) in response to what we have breathed in.

When we breathe in deeply, we affirm the life, the moment we are in, the significance of what is happening to us now.   We express the gratitude for this life, this moment in breathing out.

We breathe in and breathe out:  This is life.  When we take in good, we express good.   When we take in bad, we express bad.

What have you breathed in today?  What have you expressed out?

New Years Affirmations

I do not do resolutions.   At least not once a year.

For me, those resolutions are affirmations that I make to myself every day; sometimes several times a day.

"I am a vibrant, healthy man."

This one, I can say with all honesty, because I can see health in me, growing in me day by day.   Am I completely healthy....not yet, but I am well on my way.

"I am worthy."

This one is more difficult to say with strict honesty and candor.   Yet, I know that the experiences I had and the mind set that brought be to a place of not seeing myself as worthy as illusions.   They are conclusions that I made and thoughts that I have.   I can change them.   I can begin viewing myself as worthy of love, success, joy, and health.

"I love myself."

How do I say this without feeding into the ego?   This statement and the belief of it is the death of my ego.   When I come to fully accept and love who I am; body, mind and spirit, the ego has no hold over me anymore.   I am firmly convinced that when I truly and fully love myself as I see God loving me, that I will be free of all disease, illness, and barriers to feeling and experiencing love with others.

"Whatever is missing from my life, by bringing it into the life of another, I find it within myself."

I know that when I lack peace, by bringing peace to another I find that I have peace.    When I feel like I don't have enough love in my life, when I love others, I find love within.   I know that I cannot give away what I do not have.   By giving it away, I affirm that I have it in my life.

"I choose what my life will be and who I will be."

I choose what I am and how I will respond to anything life brings.   I choose from moment to moment what kind of person I wish to be.  I have the choice of being a man of peace; of having joy; of being a vessel of healing; a being of compassion.   I choose.   Life does not choose for me who I will be.   I choose!