What do you want out of this relationship?

What do you want out of this relationship?

It is a question that at some point we all have to answer.  Sometimes is comes out clearly, spelled out in black and white, "What do you want out of this relationship?"  At other times, the question is asked in a hundred little ways, by both men and women.

I know for myself, it is not a question that is easily answered unless I am ready to accept the possibility that what I think I want out of a relationship needs to change .   Now I do not have much experience in relationships.  A lot of what I am writing about is the story upon story I have heard from both my male and female friends about relationships.  So feel free to disagree with me on any and all points.

Let us say that I wanted a girlfriend, like one who is so often portrayed in all the movies and romance novels, romantic comedies and bigger than life plays.  Namely, I want a girlfriend who will make my life complete.  One that will be there for all the physical needs which I have; that will listen to me when I want to talk; that will ignore me when I wish to be alone; that will admire me when I want to be admired; that will go out with me when I want to go out, that will make me look good in front of other people; that will laugh at my jokes; that will tell me constantly how special I am; that will respect me when I want someone to do the things I want them to do.  (Remember, I am describing what I have heard and seen, not what I personally think a girlfriend should be.)

Does this seem unreasonable?  (I hear the women reading this saying, "What about our needs?"  "How about respecting us!) 

Yet, I have also had described to me, by women, the perfect boyfriend.  In a lot of ways, not too different from what is described above.  What some want from a boyfriend is one that: treats her like a lady; is a knight in shining armor when she wants one; is a loving provider when that is wanted; is someone with whom to laugh; someone to cry with when that is wanted; someone strong when strength is wanted; a guy in touch with his feminine side except when she wants a real guy, masculine and powerful; a guy who will tell me that I am the most important person, the most beautiful, the only woman in his life.


What do these two descriptions have in common?

Both descriptions make the assumption that the other person is responsible for fulfilling your needs and desires.   It is a common fault that I and many others make when getting into or looking for a relationship.

Whenever I look for another person to be the source of something which I lack in my own life, I am setting myself up for disappointment, pain, regret, perhaps even resentment and bitterness.  No one can fill the needs in my life.  In addition, since most of my desires are based on those things that I lack, then they also cannot fill those desires.

Now let me say that I do a great job in thinking that the other person can fill my needs and desire.  In fact, I fool myself quite quickly into thinking this way.  However, no one can meet those needs forever.  Very few can meet those needs in a healthy way in the first place.  I am simply delaying the time when I will feel that "she is just not making an effort" or ""she just ignores me" or "she never wants to do what I want to do" or "she used to treat me like the most important person in her life" or "she used to be great, but now, I don't even know her!"   Sound familiar?

I really feel that the reason to go into any relationship is to be the source for another what you desire in your own life.

Let me explain this a bit.

If I feel that I don't have anyone who understands me, then my goal becomes to be the one who is understanding with another.

If I lack someone to make me feel good about myself, I am going to seek to make others feel good about themselves.

If I lack physical or emotional intimacy, then I will focus my efforts on providing an environment where the other feels comfortable and safe becoming intimate.  (Even if this does not lead to physical or emotional intimacy.)

If I lack someone to encourage me through the difficult times in my life then I will direct my thoughts and actions to encouraging the other person.

If I feel that I lack people who love me then I will become a source of love for the other person.

By being the source of these things for the other person, I am no longer focused on what the relationship will bring me, but what I can bring to the relationship.

My desire for the other person becomes their desire for themselves.   Even if it means that her desire may be to be separate from me!  Being the source means just that!  No conditions on desiring for the other person what they desire for themselves.

This is perhaps the most difficult realization to which I have come.  Yet, I feel it is the only realistic way that I can enter a relationship, still be authentic to myself, still love the other person, and yet provide the freedom for love to be experienced REGARDLESS OF OUTCOME!

Again, feel free to disagree with me on any and all points.  I don't have this life completely figured out by any means!