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Being Authentic.
What can you say about this. We (I) spend so much time playing roles with other people. To my college professors I was the model student. To my employers, with many I was the "GO TO" guy. I could solve problems, work proactively, etc. Yet, was this my authentic self?
At one point a friend of mine pointed out to me that my whole personality changed when I met someone who worked in a church. Whether it be a lay person or the minister, I would put on this scholarly, wise, educated and "totally balanced" individual. Who was I kidding? This was not my authentic self!
I am a people pleaser. Yes. I sometimes have compromised who I was to be the thing that the other person needed or wanted the most. Or my interpretation of what they wanted.
In High school, I remember a date when I picked up the girl at her house for some dance or something. Her parents invited me to the dining room and I proceeded to charm them to the best of my ability. I was not really conscious of this happening at the time, but it did. I only replied to their questions with reassurance, confidence, humor, and wit. (I was not being authentic!)
You may ask, so what?
We all do this to one degree or another. Right?
I think that what happens, at least to me, is that at some point, I got frustrated at living up to these artificial standards, these masks that I wore with other people. When my behavior varied from what the other person thought I was, there was tension, sometimes disillusion. I was the most disappointed that I could not live up to the persona that I was playing for that other person. (Especially in relationships.)
I think now that being authentic is first and foremost being honest with myself and with others. I now allow others to see my faults, my idiosyncrasies, my foibles. With those that are close to me, I share my thought processes, my feelings, and what I am doing to process these things. When once I had the fear of rejection, now I find that the quality of my relationships are so much better than ever before in my life.
It is also easier for me now because I only have to be myself. I do not have to remember how to act, or charm, or impress. I just have to share who I am with people and that takes the least energy, brings the most peace.
I have to remind myself of these self-evident truths from time to time.
I believe that when we let others see our true vulnerabilities and craziness, we are letting others deep into our souls. It doesn't take as much energy as putting on a mask but so often in society we think we have to live others expectations. Letting others know we are not perfect is so much easier. I prefer authentic
ReplyDeleteWhen I tire of the show I put on for others, I have to remind myself that *I'm* the one putting on the show. And that the show I'm putting on was usually neither requested nor desired by my "audience". I'm inclined to complain about the 'show' I put on, I generally have only myself to blame.
ReplyDeleteI need to recognize that my need, my compulsion to put on such airs probably comes from a sense of insecurity and inadequacy.
To tie it back to compassion and pity... I can have compassion for the person who's being beat up emotionally because I might be able to help them. However, the person who insists on beating themselves up trying to make other people happy inspires pity. They inspire pity because there's generally nothing that can be done to help them; they have to learn those lessons themselves.
/$.02
You are absolutely correct. Both of you. Thank you for "fleshing" out my blog a bit with your comments.
ReplyDelete