I love to think. I love the thoughts of my own thoughts. Really. Even those thoughts that I do not like, I love. Why? Why else would I wallow in those thoughts? Why else would I think them in the first place?
Sometimes, I think to myself, "Now I don't want to think this!" Yet, do I stop and think of something else? No! In fact, sometimes I just jump in and get caught up in one particular thought. I guess I just may love it. Why else would I choose those thoughts?
I now think that there must be a payoff to thinking these thoughts. Perhaps, sometimes I want to feel bad about something. Like I am punishing myself. You know, I deserve to feel this way, so this is the way my thoughts are going to make me feel.
At other times, I convince myself that it takes some kind of anxiety or stress to raise my motivation to a level where I can do something. I think this is why I procrastinate on things. If I have a deadline and absolutely have to do something, I feel fear, experience stress, think anxious thoughts, and this motivates me to get what I need to get done, done.
You know, there is nothing wrong with fear. It is natural. Nor is there anything wrong with any emotion. It is just that I think my mind gives me too many thoughts that go from being enough to motivate, to the point where they overwhelm me.
So I love thinking. What else is new.
However, even the concept of relinquishing those thoughts for the silence of God meets with a lot of resistance from my mind!. RESISTANCE.
For example, when I am thinking depressing thoughts, or thoughts of self-blame or stress or anxiety, I try to meditate. The first thing that happens is that my mind puts more power behind those thoughts. It is like the silence is fought as if it is the death of the mind. When in fact, silence is a time for the mind to rest. The mind puts up a fight though.
Why is it so hard to relinquish my thoughts. Because I have been conditioned to think that my very identity is what I think. That is really it. My ego tells my mind that to stop thinking is to suffer a kind of death. My spiritual side knows that in silence I am open to God. Thus resistance happens.
Therefore, meditation for me isn't optional. It is a requirement. I have a strong and powerful mind. Sometimes, it just needs to be put in its place, and it needs time to just rest. My self then can experience God in all the glory of the silence between thoughts.
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