Doing and Being.

I have had my share of situations come up that have caused me to rush about and try to do something, anything to make them better.

If only I could .....  When I get there I will.....If I just did......things will work out if I change......Next time I will do......

Doing.   It all gets back to whether I think that the actions I take have control over the sometimes unpleasant situations life seems to have.

Doing.   When my focus is on the future.  I see the past and regret it so I make changes to what I will do to the future and change that.

Doing.  I need to feel like I am doing something. I have to make an effect, I need to see something happening.

All these thoughts come to me when I feel that the business of life is overwhelming my peace.   My first reaction to this chaos and turmoil is to do something about it.   I have been trained to marshal my forces, to fight the fight, to struggle to make in my life what I desire.  

Am I missing the point?

My days are sometimes dominated by excessive activities.   I have been trained to think that I am not successful unless I have done something, finished something, or at least started something.   I am trained by society to see my own worth as being related to what I have done, what work I do, what work I have yet to do.   I find that I search after security by doing all I can to ensure that I can support the life that I am living.

There is nothing wrong with this.   No.  There is a time for action.  It is just that too much action, to many things pulling me to act means I loose my peace.   I find that I am harried, anxious, upset, driven, stressed.   When my actions are resisted or thwarted I get angry, frustrated, sad, depressed.   Some things I cannot solve; some security I cannot feel no matter what I do.  What good is doing then?

I found that I get to the point that I am so frustrated, so tired of always doing, that a breakthrough happens.  I have an overwhelming desire to stop the rat race and to just start being. 

Being.   This is the focus on the now.  Being means that I do not dwell on the past; nor do I dwell on the future.   I am in the now.   I realize that peace does not come from the planning for what may come, or the review of things before.   Peace comes from choosing to BE a peace.  

Being.   The eternal now.  Many authors have written about living and being in the now.  Why?   The now is the only time that we can change.   The now is the only time that really is.   Our past is made up of an infinite series of choices we made to be who we wish to be in the now.  The future is just guesswork as to what we will choose to be in the now.    

Let me say what Being brings to my life that Doing has never brought.

1. Being gives you more time than doing.  Being totally focused and present now allows you to

see more things you can do to be more effective and successful in living and working.

2. Being is easier than doing. To begin being, all you have to do is allow yourself to be that way. You don’t have to do anything, just relax and let go of something nonsensical that isn’t worth holding onto.

3. Being quiets the mind while Doing is noisy and distracting.   I have to think of all the consequences of doing, how to do, what to do, when to do it.  My mind can be filled with all the possibilities.  It gets noisy.  Being, my mind can relax.   It can be aware.  

 

4. Being is more fun. Doing is actually boring because you are missing out on the things that bring real joy and meaning to your heart. The nice surprise is that the more miserable you are from doing, the more content you can be in being. 

 

Doing and Being.   I can do that.    But I can be that even better. 

Visual Prayer

I would like to continue the conversation about prayer.   In the past post, I talked about what prayer was for me.  This time, I would like to talk about how people (myself included) pray.   The actual process of prayer.  Or at least one process that I use.

I want to make clear that there is no wrong way to pray.  Any conversation with a power greater than one's self is just as good as any other.  

However, here is one other possible option, praying visually.

This way to pray may take take a little explanation.   Praying visually is to literally picture the working of God in the lives of the people for whom we are praying.  You can include words if you wish.  I usually picture the Spirit of God working directly on people.  

It is like I am eavesdropping on the actual working of the Spirit.   Sometimes, this vision helps me to appreciate that what God's Spirit is doing is actually assisting that person in becoming what they wish to become, or to feel or experience what they choose to experience.  I do not visualize what I want God to do for them.  I just picture what they want God to do for them. 

If I do not know what this is, then I simply visualize the peace and understanding for which our spirits always yearn, to surround them and clothe them.   Sometimes I imagine peace and unconditional love as a warm and calming spring shower, filling them with that comfort and peace.

            When it has to do with praying for myself, then I can get specific.  Again, I can picture the energy, the Spirit of God flowing and penetrating, infusing and energizing my very being. 

My spirit can be pictured as a warm flame and the Spirit of God as the wind which causes that flame to grow and shine forth.   If I need peace, that peace becomes a light and God's Spirit the electricity that keeps that light shining.   Though the flame analogy can be used here as well.  

If it is something in this world (physical) that is the object of the prayer I visualize that there is a connection between myself and that object, or that person, or that group, company, etc.  Since God is everywhere, and there is no place that God is not, then God is equally in the thing that I concentrate my prayer on and in the vessel doing the praying (myself).    Visually, I create the gossamer strands of spirit that connect these things.  With this in vision, I see those strands affecting the object of my prayer and myself, changing both and bringing both to a place where they may participate as partners to bring about the desire of my Spirit.

It does not matter if, when you pray, it is different than this.  Actually, I would love to know how you may pray.  Whether visually, with words, with gestures, liturgy, ritual, with Holy Texts, with song, dance, in silence, or any other way you may pray. 

Prayer - What is it good for?

Have you ever wondered why so many religions have some kind of prayer in them?  Prayer seems to be something that 70% of the world says they do.  Why?

I had an acquaintance that did not believe in any kind of god.  He told me that most people are living a dream if they believed there was some kind of advanced being who, when we prayed to it, would grant us our desires.   Like some genie in a bottle.  He also said that if prayers were answered, why was their the suffering there is in this life.  Or is God so enigmatic, that it doesn't matter what is prayed, we would never know what would be answered or what would be ignored.   In this, he has a few valid points.

Why do I pray?

Prayer for me is not engaging in some negotiation with eternity, showing that I have done this and that and therefore I deserve to receive from God this and that.  God is not Santa Claus to me.  I do not expect that the new car, the new house, more money will suddenly appear if I pray.  Nor is prayer for me a replacement for taking responsibility for the direction and actions that I make in my life.

First and foremost, prayer is a time when I practice being humble.  That is; I purposely move my ego from the forefront to at least the second position, behind this time with God and myself.  This is essential for me.  It is practice that I need to even survive without being shackled always by the desires of my ego.   Prayer is practiced humility.

Second, prayer is a time where my mind if focused on something greater than myself.  It amazes me how I can get so self-focused, so self-centered that my mind and emotions become bogged down and turn negative.  We are meant to participate in something greater than ourselves.  Whether it be relationships, family, community, or society, our minds and spirits long for those ties with others, and the sense of fulfillment when we participate in something greater.   When are talents and skills are used to bring more value to the larger group, idea, purpose, thing.   Prayer then is a time to connect with that greater power, that larger existence.

Prayer is also a time for communion.   I talk to my best friend whenever I can.   I love the conversations we have and how they bring out the best of who I am.   In relation to my friend, I find the parts of myself that still need work and those part that bring joy and love and peace to that relationship.  Prayer, for me, is just conversation with God.  It serves the same purpose as conversation with my best friend.

Additionally, prayer is practicing the focusing of my mind.  My mind is very powerful.   However, it is like a fire hose that no one is holding.  It is shooting all over the place, totally out of control most of the time.  Thoughts are flung here and there and the very things that I would rather not think about is what is right up there in front. Prayer is the practice of taming my mind.  I focus on God, on my purpose, on how to bring love through service with the rest of the world.  Other times, prayer is silence.  Slowly giving up the love of my own thoughts for the love of God.

Finally, prayer is thanksgiving.   I cannot recognize what is not in my life without realizing that at least some small part of what I want I already have or had in my life.  How would I know that I want more peace in my life if I have not experienced peace before.  How would I know that I want to heal a relationship if I had not experienced a joyful time in that relationship before.   For all these things, I am thankful that I have already experienced them.  I am also thankful that if I experienced them before, that I can experience them again.   In my opinion, the greatest form of prayer is thanksgiving, gratitude for what I have now.

Ego and Spirit - common desires

It is interesting that my Ego has some of the same desires of that of my Spirit.  

Hear I refer to my ego, not as some inflated and unrealistic appraisal of myself, but rather, a warped and unrealistic appraisal of myself.   Not much difference.   My Ego is my identification.  It defines what is me and what is you, and never fails to show me that ME ME ME is really the only important target for my energies, money, possessions, etc.   My ego is that which says, "this is mine, not yours," and "I protect what is mine!"

Actually, my ego wants really the same thing that the Spirit wants: peace.   The ego searches for this by trying to accumulate things, power, position and influence while avoiding discomfort, conflict, fear, and interestingly enough, intimacy.   "If I have all the money and all the power I will be at peace."  "If I avoid you and don't get into a relationship with you where I would have to give up some of my power, influence or identity, so much the better!" 

The only problem with this reasoning is that without other people, without love to give us a focus outside of ourselves, we can never be at peace.   The most toys, the most protected life, even that of a hermit, will never allow us to grow and find the peace of God.  Whatever the ego wants, it can be taken away.  If we base our peace on things, when those things vanish, or change, we loose our peace.

Spirit, on the other hand, is at peace.  Peace is it's natural state.  While our mind can obscure that peace, convince us that we do not have it, it is still there.   Like clouds that cover an always shining sun, our spirit's peace is always available.   Spirit doesn't seek after things.  Spirit is.  Spirit doesn't need anything to make it complete.  It is infinite, loving, gentle, and peaceful. 

Ego knows that we were made to experience peace.  It just doesn't understand how to get there.   It was taught to fear, to judge, to accumulate, to avoid, to hide, to push, to pull, to hurt before it is hurt.   In fact, the only state in which the ego can find the peace it wants is to find the peace of the grave.   Spirit lives forever.

Being Kind to My Younger Self

When looking over my life, there were moments that I wish I could have to do over again.  There was a girl, who I later learned, wanted to go out with me.  I liked her too, but never did anything about it.   Another time I wish that I had kept my mouth shut when what I said truly hurt someone I cared for.

These are the kinds of things that I regret.  Not keeping up with a lifetime friend, or letting other relationships fizzle out.   Yes.   I have regrets.

However, I know people for whom the simple regret is not enough.  I have seen a grown man hit his head against the wall (literally) while calling himself an a** hole because he didn't trust his girlfriend and pushed her away emotionally from his constant accusations and insecurity.  Other people to whom I have spoken have similar feelings about their past actions.  They are angry at themselves, or call themselves fools, or truly hate their younger selves.  

Why is it so hard to sometimes look at our selves with mercy, grace and compassion?

Is it simply because we have not forgiven ourselves for the mistakes we have made in the past?   Or is it that we can freely heap abuse upon ourselves, be angry, bitter because it is more accepted to do this than be angry or bitter toward another?   Do people really hate themselves?

I have even heard an acquaintance of mine say that if he met himself back in High School that he would kick his own a**.

I now look back on myself and my life with compassion.  Sure, there were times that I was arrogant, pushy, egotistical, self-centered.  Yet, I can also see the boy who was limited by his fears, shackled by the everyday concerns of being accepted or loved.  He was not someone I would shout to or insult.  He was someone deserving of love and support.  I have the highest hopes for the younger me.   His life is more full and abundant than he can even realize right now.  I have patience for him, for he needs it while he is growing.

How do you see yourself at a younger age?  Was it a person with whom you could show love and compassion, or someone you would treat with scorn?  If you met someone like them today, how would you respond to them?  Would you even hang out, or would you distance yourself?  Can you love the younger you? 

The Power of Belief.

I used to work at a pizza place when I was in high school.  There was a guy there that was a little intellectually challenged, Daniel.  He had trouble doing the simple things that needed to be done.  However, he could lift 150 lb barrels of dough like it was nothing at all.  When he took out the trash, he would just nonchalantly toss these huge weights into the dumpster.  However, one day, one of the employees Brad thought he would have some fun with this guy.  He brought in his bowling ball and convinced this guy that is was very heavy.  In fact, Brad did such a good job convincing him that Daniel could not lift the bowling ball over his head.  He would strain and strain and not be able to lift it above his head.  Then Daniel said that the old dough had to be thrown out, and Daniel went and lifted the 150 lb containers again like it was nothing at all.

Now I know that this was not the right way to treat Daniel.  However, it showed that our attitudes about what we can and cannot do or what we believe does have an impact on reality.  Daniel could never pickup a bowling ball above his head.  He was convinced it was just too heavy.  And to him and his muscles it was too heavy.  The old dough, not that heavy in his own mind,  he handled with ease.

There is another story of a South Asian diver who was told over and over by his father and his father's father that there were no poisonous sea snakes in their pearl beds.  In fact, there were some poisonous species.  However, the sons would sometimes be bitten and suffer no effects at all from the venom, where other divers would quickly go into shock and sometimes die from the same venom.  When the Western Researchers showed this diver the consequences of this venom on small animals, and showed him the damage done to living tissue under a microscope, the diver went away convinced that indeed some of the sea snakes were venomous.  Later, on a dive, he was bitten by a sea snake, and went into shock and died.  

What is the only difference between this diver before and after talking with the researchers?  His belief.  Before he believed there were no poisonous snakes and therefore suffered no damage from the bite.  Later, he believed they were poisonous and he died from a bite.

Just imagine that what you hold most true about yourself is what is actually true.   You become what you imagine yourself to be.  Can't lift a 14 lb ball but can toss a 150 lb container?  Gets bitten by a poisonous snake and survive?  Makes you think doesn't it!  It sure does me!

On Being a Stranger

This morning I visited a church.  I was a stranger.

I can't tell you how freeing it is to be a stranger.  No one has any expectations of you at all.  I am the most free because I do not have to live up to my personal story, because no one knows it.  It is a great feeling. 

These are the few times that I am really starting out with a blank slate.  People's reactions to me will be based on their first impressions.  Isn't that great!   I am free to be the person I most want to be.  No history to encumber that process.

It was a wonderful morning.  Everyone in the congregation, and I mean each and every person, greeted me.  Now it was the early morning service, so there were fewer people, but still.   I was so impressed.   I was immediately invited to the adult bible study.  The person leading it was a warm and wonderful woman who just radiated this thing that I like to call "motherly affection."  She shone with it.   The Bible study was fun, uplifting, and the people just pleasant to be around.  I have rarely heard so much laughing in a Bible Study as I did this morning. 

When asked what I do, I replied that my main goal was my own spirituality.  Now I have said this before and gotten those looks.  You know.  That look like either I am from another planet or I am about to start preaching hellfire and brimstone.  This morning, what I said was taken at face value.  The man who asked it replied that he knew exactly what I meant and that for the last 9 years he too had as his first priority his spirituality.  

Now you might say that that is to be expected in a church.  Wouldn't you expect to have people for whom their first priority were their spirituality?  I have visited many churches, and there are very few people who actually come out and say it.  I am sure many more feel this to be true but, since getting those looks from friends and strangers, they no longer say it that readily in public.   Shame really.   Those are the people who usually end up being very interesting indeed.

But to get back to the point; being a stranger is such an experience in freedom that I would suggest to anyone to try it sometime.  Go somewhere where absolutely no one knows your name.  For that time, focus on being the person you most wish to be.  Divorce yourself from your past.   Do not be tied by other's expectations, or your past expectations of yourself.   It is a marvelous experience.

"Meditation is the giving up of one's love of thoughts for the love of God"

"Meditation is the giving up of one's love of thoughts for the love of God"

I love to think.   I love the thoughts of my own thoughts.  Really.   Even those thoughts that I do not like, I love.   Why?  Why else would I wallow in those thoughts?   Why else would I think them in the first place? 

Sometimes, I think to myself, "Now I don't want to think this!"   Yet, do I stop and think of something else?  No!  In fact, sometimes I just jump in and get caught up in one particular thought.  I guess I just may love it.   Why else would I choose those thoughts?

I now think that there must be a payoff to thinking these thoughts.   Perhaps, sometimes I want to feel bad about something.  Like I am punishing myself.  You know, I deserve to feel this way, so this is the way my thoughts are going to make me feel.

At other times, I convince myself that it takes some kind of anxiety or stress to raise my motivation to a level where I can do something.  I think this is why I procrastinate on things.  If I have a deadline and absolutely have to do something, I feel fear, experience stress, think anxious thoughts, and this motivates me to get what I need to get done, done.

You know, there is nothing wrong with fear.  It is natural.  Nor is there anything wrong with any emotion.  It is just that I think my mind gives me too many thoughts that go from being enough to motivate, to the point where they overwhelm me.

So I love thinking.  What else is new.

However, even the concept of relinquishing those thoughts for the silence of God meets with a lot of resistance from my mind!.  RESISTANCE.

For example, when I am thinking depressing thoughts, or thoughts of self-blame or stress or anxiety, I try to meditate.   The first thing that happens is that my mind puts more power behind those thoughts.   It is like the silence is fought as if it is the death of the mind.  When in fact, silence is a time for the mind to rest.  The mind puts up a fight though. 

Why is it so hard to relinquish my thoughts.  Because I have been conditioned to think that my very identity is what I think.  That is really it.  My ego tells my mind that to stop thinking is to suffer a kind of death.  My spiritual side knows that in silence I am open to God.  Thus resistance happens.

Therefore, meditation for me isn't optional.  It is a requirement.   I have a strong and powerful mind.  Sometimes, it just needs to be put in its place, and it needs time to just rest.   My self then can experience God in all the glory of the silence between thoughts.

Red Flags

Sometimes when I am watching the news, or seeing a documentary, or listening to the radio, sometimes things happen that send up red flags.  The illusion of believability is shattered.   The suspension of disbelief is re-engaged.

I have found that what sets off these red flags have changed recently.   They now include such things as:

a) When anyone talks about compassion and forgiveness I ask myself, how do they treat people who are not part of their group, their beliefs, their race, their gender, etc.   It is really a mark of someone's character when they practive what they preach with everyone, and not just those that are convenient or like-minded.

b) When someone says "Trust Me" do they routinely trust others around them?  When people extend trust to others, then they are trustworthy. 

c)  If anyone makes the statement, "It was a difficult decision, but it had to be made!" then I ask myself if they indeed weighed the options, or perhaps took the more expedient route. 

d)  Some people say that they love everyone.  I want to know if they indeed love, or are at least kind to everyone around them.   How do they treat their friends, antagonists, rivals, workers?

e)  Occasionally, I hear, "I am willing to do anything to help."  The questions I want answered then include what that person does in private.  Do they help those people without the cameras, reporters, radio or TV going?

I am not saying that I have become more cynical.   In fact, I find that a lot of people whom I had considered a little hypocritical or disingenuous I have actually judged too harshly.

I find some people who are loving, understanding, people of character, willing to offer a helping hand at any time in any circumstances.  Some people are accepting of all people, beliefs, etc.  

Instead of seeing more wrong or more disappointed with people, I find more optimism lately in the human race.

Depression via Dehydration

Yesterday, I was one top of the world.  No really.  The day went so well.  Today....well.

It seemed like one thing happened after another.  Nothing quite went wrong, but it didn't quite go right either.  All through the day I had this feeling like a dead thing around my neck.  Something didn't feel right.  I didn't smile much.  I didn't have the peace that I usually do at least sometime during the day.

Now I used to feel like this everyday, only worse when I had more than vague discomfort.   I had to figure this thing out.

I started reviewing what could be putting me in this mood.  I couldn't think of anything that merited this feeling.  Perhaps it was because I didn't meditate enough?  So I spent some more time meditating.   Still this strange feeling. 

Now I just had dinner and a large glass of iced tea.  Within 10 minutes I felt better.  That vague discomfort vanished.  It was like a cloud being removed.

This is when I realized that I had only consumed about 1/2 of what I normally drink.  Usually I put away between 80 - 100 ounces of water (with the occasional tea) every day.  I realized that I had only got to about 44 ounces. 

So I drank another glass of tea.  I felt just a little better after that too, and my persistent low grade headache went away.

Isn't it amazing that this depressive feeling might have been because I wasn't hydrated!

So I am going to not only pray and meditate and focus my thoughts on peace and being a vessel of love, but that I get in my 100 ounces of water a day.

Who knew?

Unfailingly Kind

I find that it is very hard to keep to some commitments.  For example, I have the commitment that I desire to be unfailingly kind to all living creatures.  A lot to bit off I know.  Yet, most of the time this is an easy thing to do.  You say good morning to the people you meet, wish them a good day, even thing good thoughts and be kind to those that cut you off in traffic.  Not too hard. 

However, being unfailingly kind also means to be intentionally kind when you don't feel like being kind.  I found that sometimes, what I want to do is to get rid of something that is bothering me.  The easiest way that I learned how to do this is to push it away.  Pushing away means distancing.  Through thoughts, words, physical action, somehow I want to get away from whatever this is that is bothering me.  Doesn't quite fit into the being unfailingly kind does it?

To take a humorous example, I don't like insects that fly around me in my car, or in my office.  A lot of the time I find that I spend an inordinate amount of effort into killing these flying things.  I will roll up a magazine and chase an insect around my house, just to kill it.  In my car, I roll down the window and the insect goes everywhere but out the window.  Then I get frustrated and I will try to swat it with my hand, sometimes not paying attention to the road.  When I finally kill it I have this sense of satisfaction, and relief that I no longer have to be bothered by it. 

Now you might say, what does a flying insect have to do with being kind to every living thing?  Well, it is a living thing.   If I take the attitude that it is only an insect, then I am conditioning my thinking, and may be more predisposed to chasing away or hitting someone verbally because I feel they are a nuisance in my life. 

I do this.  I can recall when someone was bothering me so I made an unkind remark to them.  Or sometimes I just ignored them until they went away.  With some people, I talked over them, because what they said was bothering me.  It all adds up to failing to be kind. 

As I am writing this, I have a few gnats that have somehow entered my office.  They are bothering me.  I want to kill them.  I want to squash them.  But.... I just put Deep Woods Off to use.  Now I may smell chemically for the next couple of hours, but at least I don't have to kill the gnats.   They are leaving me alone.   At least it is a step in the direction of being unfailingly kind!

What do you want out of this relationship?

What do you want out of this relationship?

It is a question that at some point we all have to answer.  Sometimes is comes out clearly, spelled out in black and white, "What do you want out of this relationship?"  At other times, the question is asked in a hundred little ways, by both men and women.

I know for myself, it is not a question that is easily answered unless I am ready to accept the possibility that what I think I want out of a relationship needs to change .   Now I do not have much experience in relationships.  A lot of what I am writing about is the story upon story I have heard from both my male and female friends about relationships.  So feel free to disagree with me on any and all points.

Let us say that I wanted a girlfriend, like one who is so often portrayed in all the movies and romance novels, romantic comedies and bigger than life plays.  Namely, I want a girlfriend who will make my life complete.  One that will be there for all the physical needs which I have; that will listen to me when I want to talk; that will ignore me when I wish to be alone; that will admire me when I want to be admired; that will go out with me when I want to go out, that will make me look good in front of other people; that will laugh at my jokes; that will tell me constantly how special I am; that will respect me when I want someone to do the things I want them to do.  (Remember, I am describing what I have heard and seen, not what I personally think a girlfriend should be.)

Does this seem unreasonable?  (I hear the women reading this saying, "What about our needs?"  "How about respecting us!) 

Yet, I have also had described to me, by women, the perfect boyfriend.  In a lot of ways, not too different from what is described above.  What some want from a boyfriend is one that: treats her like a lady; is a knight in shining armor when she wants one; is a loving provider when that is wanted; is someone with whom to laugh; someone to cry with when that is wanted; someone strong when strength is wanted; a guy in touch with his feminine side except when she wants a real guy, masculine and powerful; a guy who will tell me that I am the most important person, the most beautiful, the only woman in his life.


What do these two descriptions have in common?

Both descriptions make the assumption that the other person is responsible for fulfilling your needs and desires.   It is a common fault that I and many others make when getting into or looking for a relationship.

Whenever I look for another person to be the source of something which I lack in my own life, I am setting myself up for disappointment, pain, regret, perhaps even resentment and bitterness.  No one can fill the needs in my life.  In addition, since most of my desires are based on those things that I lack, then they also cannot fill those desires.

Now let me say that I do a great job in thinking that the other person can fill my needs and desire.  In fact, I fool myself quite quickly into thinking this way.  However, no one can meet those needs forever.  Very few can meet those needs in a healthy way in the first place.  I am simply delaying the time when I will feel that "she is just not making an effort" or ""she just ignores me" or "she never wants to do what I want to do" or "she used to treat me like the most important person in her life" or "she used to be great, but now, I don't even know her!"   Sound familiar?

I really feel that the reason to go into any relationship is to be the source for another what you desire in your own life.

Let me explain this a bit.

If I feel that I don't have anyone who understands me, then my goal becomes to be the one who is understanding with another.

If I lack someone to make me feel good about myself, I am going to seek to make others feel good about themselves.

If I lack physical or emotional intimacy, then I will focus my efforts on providing an environment where the other feels comfortable and safe becoming intimate.  (Even if this does not lead to physical or emotional intimacy.)

If I lack someone to encourage me through the difficult times in my life then I will direct my thoughts and actions to encouraging the other person.

If I feel that I lack people who love me then I will become a source of love for the other person.

By being the source of these things for the other person, I am no longer focused on what the relationship will bring me, but what I can bring to the relationship.

My desire for the other person becomes their desire for themselves.   Even if it means that her desire may be to be separate from me!  Being the source means just that!  No conditions on desiring for the other person what they desire for themselves.

This is perhaps the most difficult realization to which I have come.  Yet, I feel it is the only realistic way that I can enter a relationship, still be authentic to myself, still love the other person, and yet provide the freedom for love to be experienced REGARDLESS OF OUTCOME!

Again, feel free to disagree with me on any and all points.  I don't have this life completely figured out by any means!

An Old Pan

I don't keep many mementos in my life.  I have a few photos and stuff that I can store on my computer, but as far as physical mementos, not many.

There is one that I keep.  It is the gold pan that my grandfather used to pan for gold in Colorado.  He used to tell stories of when, right after the depression, that he would spend days and days, panning for gold in the mountain streams and rivers. 

He would work all day, from dusk till dawn, and get enough gold dust and small nuggets to survive for that day.  Very hard work.

Not only that, the pan reminds me that I come from people who knew how to survive.  My grandfather used to work as a handy man, or bartered for food, ran moonshine, or did just about anything during The Depression, to make ends meet.  He was wildly inventive even had a partner with whom they went across the country, setting up a portable roller-skate rink and renting out the old metalic roller skates that used the key to tighten them. 

Eventually, he built houses and owned I think seven of them, rented and sold them off, and was very successful.

These kinds of people, who live in adversity, overcome it in any way they can.  They are the people I admire the most.  Not only survivors but people who thrive.

All these things I think when I look at that old, tarnished pan!

Impatience - Give me! Give me!

Impatience.  What can I say.  I get impatient.

There are just things in my life that I want right now.  No waiting.  I want them.

I have heard people say that there is a perfect time for everything.   That God's time is the right time.   That we cannot appreciate the things we receive until we have the wisdom to receive them.  

Yes, all is wisdom.  All those things are probably true.  Sometimes I even remember these things when I am impatient.  Yet, most of the time, my mind is going "want now", "need now", "want now", "need now."

What is most frustrating about this is that I choose to be impatient.   Yes I choose.   I don't have to be impatient.  I can train my mind to think about things in such a way that I do not go over the fact that I do not have them yet, over and over again. 

It is this chasing after the thought of the absence of these things that brings impatience.  

Let me say this again (because I only had to tell it to myself about 1000 times before I got it!).

It is this chasing after the thought of the absence of these things that brings impatience.  

My mind loves to focus on the fact that I don't have something.  That my life is missing something.  My thoughts are attracted by this black hole of WANT, DESIRE like the last dregs of bathwater going down the drain.  And that is exactly where my energy is going.  Down the drain.  It does nothing but agitate me.  Make me high-strung, nervous, jittery, frustrated, and above all, impatient.

Yet, I know that I can choose to change my thoughts about things.  I can stop feeling impatient.  It is my choice at any time.  

How?

Well, let us go back to that first statement.

It is this chasing after the thought of the absence of these things that brings impatience.  

Now I change that thought a little bit.

It is the knowing that I can choose to appreciate all that I have, and to think about all that is already on it's way that brings patience.

I notice that when I am the most impatient about things that I stop appreciating the things that I have.
They no longer hold any positive attention from me, because I am convincing myself with my thoughts
that "I LACK!"

When I stop and appreciate all the things I have, truly recognize that they are truly valuable in my life,  then I stop feeling like I lack something else.  The emotion changes from one of frustration and impatience to thankfulness.

In this state I can then set my mind on the things that I desire, but to see them as already in my life in some small measure already.  If they are there in some small part already, it means that I have already succeeded in attracting those things into my life at least once.  If I can do it once, I can do it again.

It works for me.

Breathing Room - Grace

I don't usually speak of things like Grace.  I try to leave Theology out of these blogs.  However, I think the concept of grace may bridge several religions, beliefs, cultures and people.

The best non-religous definitions that I found about Grace is that Grace is:

a) the receipt of a positive benefit that one does not deserve to receive;
b) favor or good will

c) A reprieve from all judgment, condemnation, rejection or disfavor.

There were times in my own life that I felt trapped.  I felt forced to make the same decisions, follow the same course of action that I always followed.  Those actions were based on the fear that if I took another action I would be rejected, condemned, judged for the actions that I wished to take, but did not.   I often found this when I was part of a religious group.  There were certain opinions and actions that the group wanted to take that I found to be unfair, unjust, judgemental, and truly non-Christ-like.  Yet, I went along with them. 

There were even views that I held about other people that this group rejected outright.  It was not a good time for my spirit. 

I found later that there are people who, even if they disagree with me, allowed me to think, feel and do what I saw as right, or what I saw as the truth.  By giving me the freedom to find my own path, to seek my own truth, these people showed Grace.  True Grace.

I truly believe that Grace gives us back our choice, our free-will in deciding not only what we believe, but in being able to choose the person we want to become. 

Grace is the appreciation that we all need room to grow; to discover; to test; to find our own truths in this life.

Pity vs. Compassion

Pity:  Sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune or suffering of another.

Compassion:   Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it
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Some people feel that these two words are equal.  That they mean the same thing.  In fact, the difference between the two boils down to one thing.  Where is your focus?

If i have pity on someone I am doing it so that I can feel better about myself.  Just look at Jerry Springer.  I have seen three shows in my entire lifetime, and all of the stories had people in it that I could easily pity.  I was better off than them.  I was a better person than them.  If I felt a need to help them, it came from a place of superiority.  I will feel like a better person if I help this person who is so much more worse off than I.

Lately, I have come to understand compassion.  My focus when I am compassionate is on the other person.  My ego does not play any role at all in having compassion.  I see a person who deserves the same love, understanding, and peace of mind that I deserve, that all people deserve.  Compassion brings the people with whom you have compassion closer to you, and you to them. 

A person with very little love for themselves or others can feel pity.

A person who loves, who desires the absolute best for others feels compassion.

Being Authentic

This may be similar to a post I did a month or so back; but the subject is one that can easily handle several posts.
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Being Authentic.

What can you say about this.  We (I) spend so much time playing roles with other people.  To my college professors I was the model student.  To my employers, with many I was the "GO TO" guy.  I could solve problems, work proactively, etc.  Yet, was this my authentic self?

At one point a friend of mine pointed out to me that my whole personality changed when I met someone who worked in a church.  Whether it be a lay person or the minister, I would put on this scholarly, wise, educated and "totally balanced" individual.  Who was I kidding?  This was not my authentic self!

I am a people pleaser.  Yes.  I sometimes have compromised who I was to be the thing that the other person needed or wanted the most.  Or my interpretation of what they wanted.

In High school, I remember a date when I picked up the girl at her house for some dance or something.  Her parents invited me to the dining room and I proceeded to charm them to the best of my ability.   I was not really conscious of this happening at the time, but it did.  I only replied to their questions with reassurance, confidence, humor, and wit.   (I was not being authentic!)

You may ask, so what?  

We all do this to one degree or another.   Right?

I think that what happens, at least to me, is that at some point, I got frustrated at living up to these artificial standards, these masks that I wore with other people.  When my behavior varied from what the other person thought I was, there was tension, sometimes disillusion.  I was the most disappointed that I could not live up to the persona that I was playing for that other person.   (Especially in relationships.)

I think now that being authentic is first and foremost being honest with myself and with others.   I now allow others to see my faults, my idiosyncrasies, my foibles.   With those that are close to me, I share my thought processes, my feelings, and what I am doing to process these things.   When once I had the fear of rejection, now I find that the quality of my relationships are so much better than ever before in my life.

It is also easier for me now because I only have to be myself.  I do not have to remember how to act, or charm, or impress.  I just have to share who I am with people and that takes the least energy, brings the most peace.

I have to remind myself of these self-evident truths from time to time. 

A Fable - To Myself.

My thoughts.   I have thought many times about how to express my thoughts not only to others but to myself.   Sometimes getting insight into your own head is like in the dark, turning on the flashlight so you can have enough light to put in the batteries. 

So this story I made up is more about me trying to explain to myself my own thinking and the need for changing it than anything else.   If you are entertained, so much the better.
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Wishing to be a farmer, a young man moved to a town renowned for its hard working, determined and prosperous farmers.   He thought that he could work for one of them for a time and hopefully become just like them.  For the man knew that determination and hard work were what really made good farmers.

After many days of asking around at the different farms, an older farmer finally agreed to hire the man.  The farmer said to him that it would be hard work, that there would be times that he would feel like giving up, but that no joy was like the joy of farming. 

So with these words in mind, the young man started his work.  The farmer gave him his own small plot of land in order to plant and harvest corn.  The young man really wanted to impress the farmer, so he worked harder than he had ever worked.  From dusk till dawn, he did everything that the older farmer told him.  Sometimes he felt like quitting, but he remembered what the farmer told him and he persevered.  But the days became longer and longer.

Lots of times, he gritted his teeth in frustration as day after day came and went and he saw nothing growing in the field.  He was getting impatient.  He had done everything he was asked to do, but no corn came up yet. 

Several times during those days he found the older farmer looking at him when he was most frustrated, and he quickly looked away, not wanting the farmer to see him being so frustrated.

After several weeks of this, one morning, he saw the first blades of the corn coming up on the fields.   He was overjoyed.  Finally!  Finally!   Something to show for his work!

In joy, the young man told the farmer how great it was to see the corn in the fields, that he was so happy now that he could see some progress.  He said that he knew now in his heart that he wanted to be a farmer just like the older man.

The older farmer looked at the man for a long while in perfect silence.  Then, walking back to the tractor, he started it and proceeded to plow under the field of corn.

In shock, the young man just stood.   Too angry to speak.  Finally, he walked off in exasperation.


He told himself that he would quit the very next day and find a farmer who appreciated his help.   He would learn nothing here.

On the following morning, as he was packing his things, getting ready to leave the farm, the older farmer stopped the young man and asked,  

"Why are you leaving.   Did you not enjoy farming?"

The young man looked at the farmer in disbelief. 

He shouted at the farmer, "How in the world could you ask me that.  All the weeks and weeks of work and what do you do, plow it all under.  How could you be so dense?  You are just a cruel old man!  I know when I am being screwed with!   It's time for me to leave!"

The farmer paused, and asked in a low voice, "When you were working, sewing the seeds in the field, did you enjoy that?   Be honest."

"Well, not really.  That was hard work.  But I remember what you told me and I didn't give up."

"I see.   And when you had to fertilize the field.  Did you enjoy doing that?"

"It needed to be done.   I did it!"

"When the field needed to be irrigated, and watched, and the soil tested?" asked the farmer.

"Come on!   No one can enjoy everything about their work.  It was hard.   It was tough.  I stuck with it.  And when the corn finally started coming in, I knew that the work was all worth it.  Then you plowed it under.   All that time and effort wasted!   It would have been better if I had never done the work for you at all!  I have wasted weeks of my life here at this farm!"

The older farmer paused and said,

"That is why you are not yet ready to be a farmer.   You were happy when the plants sprouted, but the rest of the time, you were frustrated, angry, sullen, and miserable."

"But I got the corn to grow.  I was happy yesterday when it came up." said the young man.

"Exactly!"

With that the farmer turned around and headed into the fields, leaving the man staring after him.

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