Most of these posts are becoming more Christian oriented. I guess that is because I am feeling closer to my past, have church in my present, and look forward to the future. I am reliving that honeymoon phase in any belief, where everything is magical and anything is possible.
That has been tested recently. I would admit that reality and me do not really know each other. My head has always been partially in the clouds. I live my own reality. Though, sometimes that reality is made a little more real by some things. I have to stretch my definitions of faith, understanding, and love to accommodate real people going through real-world events.
I am going to be vague on purpose. There are situations that relate to some readers of this blog, so I am going to change a lot of things, but the essence if still true.
A dear friend of mine has gone through some bitter betrayal by her separated spouse. Bitter betrayal. It is the kind of thing that in my normally optimistic and bold, brave and beautiful friend, caused her to truly question her worth. You could hear in her voice the unasked questions, "There must be something wrong or unworthy with me for someone to treat me that way." It affected her and her daughter. Both had their image of the same man shattered. Now, I think that both will not trust men in general for some time to come.
How do you speak to such people of your radiant joy, your moments of the pure awareness of God. What points of commonality can you share when the other has gone through such bitterness and self-doubt?
"God loves you!" just doesn't do it. "It will get better" doesn't touch the hurt. "Not all men are like that!" is just a platitude. It does not address the hurt now, the betrayal now, the shame now, the grief now.
I was angry at this man. I do not get angry easily. It takes a lot. Yet, I got furious at this guy. My peace was shattered for a time by an overwhelming wish that something rotten happen to this guy. I have never harbored such a thought in 20 years. My sense of outrage popped that bubble of reality I had been blowing up. The multi-color rainbows and joy filled life came to an abrupt halt.
Yet, at that moment I took a look at myself, and my thoughts. I allowed this other person's behavior to affect my peace; just as my dear friend was allowing her husband's behavior to wreck her emotional life, hurt her self-image, and severely damage her trust.
That is when I realized that peace isn't the placid and unresisting fugue state of the mind where nothing affects you. I got my peace back when I realized that I choose how people and events will affect me. I choose. Always.
My dear friend did not need someone to share her outrage, but someone to listen, to love, to share with her the fabulous and inestimable qualities that she possesses. I choose to be at peace so that she could have someone with whom to share her emotional journey. There would be times when she needed someone objective to point out when her thinking and feeling were becoming too self-destructive. She would need someone to be empathetic and understanding. There would be a moment when she needed someone to reassure her of her worth, her value, her self, not with platitudes, but heart felt truths.
There is a time to commiserate. A time to share rage, grief, anger.
There is a time to understand. To truly place yourself in the other person's shoes.
There is a time to be honest. To point out when thoughts and feelings are doing more damage than they are healing.
There is a time to be real. To live in the clouds, but to understand that sometimes it rains!
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