Using God as a tool to punish ourselves.

When we want to feel bad, we do.

I thought about stopping right there, but that would make for a very short blog. 

When we want to feel bad, though we may not know it, we do feel bad.

Not enough explanation?   How about:

When we want to feel bad, though we may not know we want to feel bad, and when we also rationalize, deny, and repress our way out of it, we do manage to make ourselves feel bad.

Yah.  That's more like it.

Some situations come up where we do something, or think something and feel bad about what we just did.  Perhaps you just don't want to go to our relative's house for dinner, but you would rather not tell yourself this.  Because, everyone knows that you need to get along with your relatives.  Something must be wrong with you if you just don't want to show up, right?

So what do we do?

Suddenly our stomachs don't feel that good, or we just got too tired, or we suddenly have a headache coming on.  Any excuse rather than the one that we just don't want to go.

It is funny that many times, when I made these rationalizations, I ended up feeling bad.  If I used the excuse, "gosh I'm too tired!" I would realize later that indeed, I was too tired.  If I felt a migraine coming on (which I have felt before but one has not developed ) then later a real migraine did come on.

It seemed that whatever rationalization became true, and I felt physically worse.  What was happening is that I was punishing myself for feeling that I didn't want to go or do something.

Most of the time, I was unaware that this self-deception and shame was causing these physical problems.  The initial lie I told my friends or relatives, and the rationalization so I wouldn't have to know that I lied to them caused me to lie to myself.

Now I want to change the phrase, "When we want to feel bad, we do." to:

When we want to feel that God feels we are bad, we make God in our own image, and thus we feel bad."


First, we don't do something that we feel we should have, but just didn't want to do it.  A service project came up with a church I used to belong to.  The day of the project, I just didn't want to go.  Of course I rationalized this so that I had some excuse.  Like always, I found I felt worse for the lie in combination for not doing this than I did if I just told them that I really did not want to come.

But since God was involved, and this was a project for others in the Name of God, then part of me felt like punishing myself.  And there is no better punishment to yourself that to make God into the image and tool of your own punishment. 

I felt that God felt deeply disappointed in me.  This caused me to feel shame.  Because I felt shame, I made sure that the next couple of projects for that church, I was there, regardless of how I felt, or how much I didn't want to do it.

This is a small and somewhat insignificant example, but it applies to much larger issues.   I made God into a God of shame.   I used God as a reason to punish myself.  In my opinion, this is just as bad as blasphemy.  It is misrepresenting God, and using God's image in a manner that it was never meant to be used.

Luckily I have never caused a person so much harm that it affected the rest of their lives.  At least I hope not.  However, some people feel that they have.  Some word, some fight, some struggle caused a permanent separation, or a deep abiding pain in another.    Some may then use that as an excuse for saying that God could not forgive such a thing.  Again, this is misrepresenting God and using God as our own tool for punishment.

If we feel that God cannot forgive us, then there is no impetus for us to forgive ourselves.  In fact, without this self-forgiveness, there is no motivation to ask another for forgiveness for our actions.   We are stuck.  We are stuck feeling shame and guilt, because we feel like we deserve such shame and guilt.  We deserve to feel bad, to have a broken relationship. 

I have used God as a tool of my own punishment.  Too many times to count.

God does not respond to the things I do in the same ways that I respond.  God does not want me to feel shame or guilt.  Nor does God want me to use God as an excuse to punish myself.

God does not say, "You have sinned.  Now feel bad for a long time about it!  Only by feeling bad for a long time will you prove to me that you realize that it is a sin, and that you did Bad!"

Plaah-eeeze!

God would rather we make a mistake, realize it for what it is, make amends, make changes, and move on.

Christian Mysticism - Breathing in and Out

Yes.  Another blog on Christian Mysticism. 

These ramblings are really an attempt to explain this whole experience to myself.  Sometimes I think I am writing to a large audience, but I am really engaging in a voyage of spiritual discovery.

Now on to Mysticism.

Of all the things I have read about Christian Mysticism, there seems to be a common thread that whatever the experience of one's ultimate reality (God, Jesus, etc) it involves a lot of introspection, meditation, contemplation.

For the last 15 months, that is what I have been doing.  I try to meditate.  I try to spend time with nature.  To see the beautiful among the ordinary.  To be aware of every sensation in my body, and to dismiss those sensations sometimes, to get to a greater state of relaxation.  Daydreams, visions, lucid dreaming, whatever you may call it, cause hundreds of sharp images to come to me when I need them. 

When I need to reorient my perceptions away from being self-centered, self-focused, images of sharing, caring, service, loving-kindness are generated, or perceived, or whatever in my mind's eye.  It does not take the focus off of myself, but includes others in a cycle of giving, receiving, mutual service, mutual caring that takes place.  Humbleness then happens because the picture has become greater than just myself.

Sometimes it is like watching videos of what has happened, or what may happen.  If I find my thoughts are dwelling more on depressive, self-defeating thoughts and my emotions are not too far behind, that a video is projected in my mind of singing in front of children, of holding the hand of those that have almost forgotten human touch.  Even videos of me dropping a plate and laughing uproariously.  Or having a mule sit on me (which actually happened).  It also sometimes expands into a vision of people I know who do not laugh, nor smile very much, hearing the best joke of their life, and roaring with unbridled guffaws.

There are surprises too.  I can be in the middle of meditating, and emotions just come up, so strong, for no reason at all.  Mostly, these are times of joy, love, understanding.  Sometimes, they literally bring tears to my eyes.

I have found out that these times of self-introspection, and meditation and times of peace are necessary.  I see why so many historical Christian Mystics wrote about them.  The mountain-top experiences.  They are engaging, sensational (filling the senses); a nice break from reality.

But it is like breathing.  If I only spend time with myself, it is like taking a large breath and holding it forever.  There is no where for that breath to go, nothing for it to do.

Breathing out; taking the experiences of the self, the recharged, re-centered, renewed me and using it to listen, to laugh, to serve, to love others is absolutely vital for my spiritual life.

Getting back to the Christian element; this sharing of the gifts and talents with others is when the real benefits of that self-introspection really happen.  It is, in the walk of the Christian Mystic, the expression of the presence of God. 

I have felt the presence; been sheltered by the presence; recharged through the presence' and now I need to express the presence.

Yet, unlike breathing out, I am not getting rid of anything, but adding another dimension to those things given me by God in the first place.  It goes from being a two-way practicing the presence to a community practicing the presence. 

The visions that recharge me are added to by the visions that recharge others.

The overwhelming feelings of love and understanding, are supplimented, are multiplied by the feelings of others.

Truly, "love your neighbor as yourself," becomes, "love your neighbor to the level, to the furthest expression of how you love yourself!"  What happens is that you find in that cycle; the more love you show, the more love you have to show.

"Take up your cross and follow me," becomes, "Be like Christ, your foundation, a perfect loving model, and show it forth!"  It is not a burden, but a gift to love others!

How can I feel the presence of God, the glorious experience of the way of Christ, if I do not love outside of myself, as I have been loved inside of myself.  

I tell myself to love everywhere that God loves.   This doesn't leave anywhere, anytime out.

The Christian Mystic's journey is never-ending.   There do need to be times of solitude; times of reflection; times of prayer.  Then there need to be times of living in community, breathing out, sharing. 

The breathing in and out of the presence is truly the breathing in and out of life.

Reality Hits!

Most of these posts are becoming more Christian oriented.  I guess that is because I am feeling closer to my past, have church in my present, and look forward to the future.   I am reliving that honeymoon phase in any belief, where everything is magical and anything is possible. 

That has been tested recently.  I would admit that reality and me do not really know each other.  My head has always been partially in the clouds.  I live my own reality.   Though, sometimes that reality is made a little more real by some things.  I have to stretch my definitions of faith, understanding, and love to accommodate real people going through real-world events.

I am going to be vague on purpose.  There are situations that relate to some readers of this blog, so I am going to change a lot of things, but the essence if still true.

A dear friend of mine has gone through some bitter betrayal by her separated spouse.  Bitter betrayal.  It is the kind of thing that in my normally optimistic and bold, brave and beautiful friend, caused  her to truly question her worth.  You could hear in her voice the unasked questions, "There must be something wrong or unworthy with me for someone to treat me that way."  It affected her and her daughter.  Both had their image of the same man shattered.   Now, I think that both will not trust men in general for some time to come.

How do you speak to such people of your radiant joy, your moments of the pure awareness of God.  What points of commonality can you share when the other has gone through such bitterness and self-doubt?

"God loves you!" just doesn't do it.   "It will get better" doesn't touch the hurt.  "Not all men are like that!" is just a platitude.  It does not address the hurt now, the betrayal now, the shame now, the grief now.

I was angry at this man.  I do not get angry easily.  It takes a lot.  Yet, I got furious at this guy.   My peace was shattered for a time by an overwhelming wish that something rotten happen to this guy.  I have never harbored such a thought in 20 years.   My sense of outrage popped that bubble of reality I had been blowing up.  The multi-color rainbows and joy filled life came to an abrupt halt.

Yet, at that moment I took a look at myself, and my thoughts.  I allowed this other person's behavior to affect my peace; just as my dear friend was allowing her husband's behavior to wreck her emotional life, hurt her self-image, and severely damage her trust.

That is when I realized that peace isn't the placid and unresisting fugue state of the mind where nothing affects you.  I got my peace back when I realized that I choose how people and events will affect me.  I choose.  Always.  

My dear friend did not need someone to share her outrage, but someone to listen, to love, to share with her the fabulous and inestimable qualities that she possesses.  I choose to be at peace so that she could have someone with whom to share her emotional journey.   There would be times when she needed someone objective to point out when her thinking and feeling were becoming too self-destructive.  She would need someone to be empathetic and understanding.  There would be a moment when she needed someone to reassure her of her worth, her value, her self, not with platitudes, but heart felt truths. 

There is a time to commiserate.  A time to share rage, grief, anger.

There is a time to understand.  To truly place yourself in the other person's shoes.

There is a time to be honest.   To point out when thoughts and feelings are doing more damage than they are healing.

There is a time to be real.  To live in the clouds, but to understand that sometimes it rains!

A Love Meditation

Yes, I meditate.  Several of these blogs have been about it.  The techniques, the times, the practice.  This one is one of the content.

I found a way to recharge not my mind, nor even my body, but my heart.  It is a meditation of appreciation for the love I have had in my life and the love I have now.

With a background of soothing music, I relax my body, and let my mind remember all the moments of love I have experienced through my life.  These are both moments of love I have received and love I have given.

As I remember each experience, I allow myself to feel the feelings.  The warmth, or excitement, or comfort, or understanding, or peace, or fun.  These layers of emotion I visualize as descending down, like layers of sunlight, soaking into me.   Sometimes, I visualize the really wonderful emotions as slow and sweet syrup, soaking into every part of me.  At other emotional memories, it is like a feather light touch which support my entire body; like being nestled in the arms and wings of an angel.

Each memory brings with it it's own unique combination of these feelings.  Each reinforces and reassures my heart that if they can happen once, they can happen again.  That I even have the capacity to love and be loved so much means that I can be and will be loved and love even more in the future.

For example:

One summer at Camp, I was working on the support staff, and after our duties were done, we usually had the mid afternoons and nights fairly free.  I liked quite a few of the staff, and even was a little attracted to the girl who ran the Cocoon (the camp store).  But, I really had no intentions to pursue anyone.

I remember one of the female support staff (not the Cocoon girl) asked if she could talk with me in the tree chapel (a very large tree used for devotions, etc.)  I followed her out there and she was hemming and hawing and I really did not know what she was trying to say to me, but I just listened.  She finally said, "Steve, I think I love you!"  I fell off of the tree limb on was on.   This was the first time in my life I ever heard that.  I was so shocked!  But, I felt wonderful.  Really wonderful.   I remember saying that we would see where this goes, but that I did not know her that well, but was more than willing to learn more about her.

While recalling this memory, I felt the same sense of shock and awe that I did then.  The same surprise that someone would even think that of me, let alone say it out loud.  It was a delicious feeling, and a great addition to my meditation.

There was another situation in High School when I was in band when one of my friends was freaking out because she had not completed her math work, but had band, and then a meeting before her class so that she did not know when she would finish her homework.  Because we treated our instrument cubbyholes as lockers, her homework was just there, behind her instrument case.  When she left for her meeting, and I was in the band room, I took out her homework and finished it for her and put it back in her folder.

I never heard, nor asked what happened when she went to math class.  I still don't know.   However, the feeling of being able to help her out, especially anonymously, was just a great sense of joy for me.  I would even say it was love, though back then, I would never have labeled it as such.

I would strongly encourage everyone to try recalling loving moments in your life.  It will recharge your heart, and spirit at the least, and give you ideas for how to love and be loved for the future.

Tension

Tension is a funny thing.  Not funny hilarious, but funny in that it is rarely noticeable until it is finally gone.

I knew I was under more stress.  More hours of working.  You know how it goes.  You think you are taking enough time to relax, meditate, reconnect with people, getting enough sleep.  However, when you really relax, when I finally relaxed, it was obvious that there had been a knot of tension.

My days are not that long.  People have longer days.  My hours are not that much.  People have longer hours.  My job provides more flexibility than  any other job I have ever held.  Others have more rigid schedules.  Even with all of this I engage my day with the same mind-set as I did when I held my most challenging, and my worst job.  Perhaps you have a similar way of approaching your job.  I just know, it no longer suites me.


I start my job hours before I start my job.  Schedules, to do lists, prioritization, all occur the moment I start thinking about the day.  The gears of this productivity machine engage and suddenly my mind is task-oriented, time-driven, and self-correcting, after self-reflection and self-criticism. 


I have had to schedule times to relax, and apparently, this has not been working. 


So what finally allowed me to relax?


I have reading books that talk about getting to a place of peace in silence.  To take time out and meditate.  To be still and know that God is God.  It works, but it is only part of the answer.


This is so shocking to me, because I thought it was the answer.  I really did.


It seems that I need people too. 


There was a wonderful retreat at a camp at which I once worked.  A three day retreat.   A retreat that wasn't retreating from my normal everyday, but going toward my best day.   The only common component present throughout the entire retreat was spending time with people.

I meditated when I was there.  I went into the chapel and played my guitar, sang songs.  I looked at the beautiful scenery, the cross on the hill.  I sat in silence, early in the morning while sipping coffee.  I felt the warm assurance of God.  God's presence was there.  I was at peace. 



I played with children.  They entertained my with their stories, songs, funny games, funny voices.  I entertained them with stupid human tricks, my stories, my voices, my accents.  Suddenly the sense of peace was accompanied by a sense of joy. 

I played with adults.  This is more difficult for me than with children.  I am used to playing with children.  However, they had their own stories, songs, funny ways of looking at the world.  I found the commonalities with them at the level of experiences, of faith, of shared truths, and shared laughter.  The sense of peace and joy was now accompanied by a sense of belonging.


I talked with people.   There were moments when it was one on one with a new friend, an old friend, and an old acquaintance  who I hope is now a new friend.   Stories came forth of similar trials and tribulations, pain and regrets, uncertainty and doubt.  Also stories of triumph, reconciliation, faith, repairing burned bridges, healing relationships, healing stories.  So now the peace, joy and belonging were blended with a fourth; Love!


After leaving this remarkable retreat, I now have a better way of approaching my life so the tension doesn't build up as fast and as severe as it did.


I know time alone in reflection and renewal is important.  It will remain in my life.
I know playing with children brings me joy.  I will find ways to include this in my life.
I know that playing with adults gives me a sense of belonging.  There will be more times such as this.
I know that talking with people spawns ever greater experiences of love.  I will listen, talk and love more.


Today is a perfect example.


I started the day with meditation. 
I worked on clients.
I talked with a friend mid-morning.
I worked on clients.
I had lunch with another friend.
I ran into another friend and his new wife at the gas pump and we had a laughter filled 5 minutes.
I worked on clients.
I am writing this blog.


While today is not over, I have yet to "engage' those gears of productivity, yet things have gotten done; and I have a little peace, joy, belonging, and love in my life.


I think it is a good recipe.