This life of the Christian Mystic is something else.
It is sometimes a cycle of moments of inspiration, and the next disappointment, and the next, disillusionment, and the next acceptance, and the next grace, and back to inspiration. The ups and downs of feeling the presence of God in my life.
Other, much better, Christian Mystic writers throughout history have written of such things; but for my own sake, I will try to put into words what happens in my journey.
Times occur, when for no reason, after no triggering event, no sponsoring thought, no revelation on high, I am filled with the spirit (inspired). This sometimes takes the form of a crystal clear thought, or a rekindled passion, or a sudden surge in the love I feel for people or things or causes or events. It sometimes manifests itself as clearer vision (literally from one moment to the next my eyesight improves); a sudden understanding of a phrase, a book, a passage, a verse, a piece of music, or a theological or philosophical argument; an insight into art; a quantum leap in the expression and appreciation of beauty. They have all occurred.
Inspiration sometimes hits like a hurricane; an electrical storm shooting down the spine, a sudden increase in the depth and speed of breathing, a soul arresting moment of clarity. Other times, it is the very softest of gossamer touches; a feeling that seeps into every cell of my body over time; the simple sound of the wind.
These are really the times I live for. Those moments, or stretches of time, where I feel connected to something larger and infinitely more powerful and loving than myself. Like other Christian Mystics, I wish to experience that as much as I can; yet, there is no formula for being inspired. It comes, seemingly, when it chooses to come.
Now, there are things that I know block being inspired. I have found tools that allow me to reduce the influence of these stumbling blocks to inspiration. For such thoughts, I meditatate. For such emotions, I visualize and remember. For such actions, I choose and practice different actions. This is a blog in itself.
However, the fact is, that I am not continually filled with spirit in a sense that I can sense with my senses it's presence. I know I am filled with spirit all the time. But like the sensationalist, or sensualist that I am, I wish to experience it.
When I do not experience it, part of me is disappointed. It is like having a wonderful conversation and finding yourself at the end of it; or like a wonderful hug that is suddenly over. Sometimes it feels deeper than that. A saying of goodbyes in an airport, when you will not know when you will see the other again. These disappointments are based on fear. I know. I have no assurance of the physical experience of the presence of God, the way I wish to sense it, happening again. I know this for the limited faith and understanding of that presence in my life; but, I feel it still.
Sometimes this disappointment turns to disillusionment. Perhaps I didn't sense God at all? My mind has made up the whole thing. My desire to have sensational and unique experiences has made my mind and heart think and feel what is not real. These are some of the thoughts that happen during these times. I rationalize my way out of the sensations of being inspired.
Then comes acceptance. This may sound familiar, like the stages of grief. It is very close. I come to a point where I realize that it should not matter at all whether I sense the presence of God, whether I "feel" inspired according to the criteria I have expected from past experiences. It is enough to know that I am filled with spirit. That every cell, every atom, every thing in creation, from the smallest to the largest, is filled with God's spirit. There is no place that God is not. Therefore, I am never ever separated from God. Therefore, I am never ever devoid of God's spirit. This is enough. This is acceptance.
Then, when I accept, grace happens.
Grace moves me from acceptance to peace. In the moment that I look at and realize my fears of not feeling inspired, I am led to understand that that's ok. Not only that, but that now the burden of seeking after inspiration is no longer there. The weight of grieving over loosing something that has never really been lost is removed from my heart.
And in this place of peace, what happens? Inspiration again. The sensing of the presence of God. Back on the cycle. Back through the stages.
You might ask; why, if you know that inspiration happens when you do not seek for it, when you are at peace, when you are not getting in your own way, do you not just stay in a place of peace and acceptance?
I am working on it. Plus; I recognize that the sensational part of me, at least some part, is too investing or too comfortable with the uncomfortable and turbulent cycle. Sometimes I don't go through this cycle. Sometimes, the spirit (or the sensations of the spirit) hit without the drama. Other times, I choose the drama.
Oh well. Lots yet to work on in my journey.
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