Reconnecting and Reconciling

I have heard some stories from those that have deep and abiding regrets about their life.   It is rarely about the money they could have had, the job, the house, the car.  In most cases, it is about the relationship they lost, or the friendship from which they walked away.  In some way, it is about a connection that was broken.

They all speak of doing it over, rebuilding that burned bridge, reconnecting; in other words, they are talking about redemption and reconciliation.  What could have been done; what should have been done; what can still be done.

As we get older, we tend to see our lives in terms of the relationships we have or do not have, rather than those more material things we may strive for in our younger years.

Often, the mid-life crisis is one of identity, of goals not yet accomplished, of value in life.   There can also be another type of mid-life or end-life crisis; one which is a crisis of relationships.

So how do we reconnect?

If we are estranged, then we need to look at why.  

Is it the force of habit that has prevented reconciliation with another?  Is it pride?  Has our ego been bruised by another?  Do we feel justified in never talking with them until they talk with us?  Are there deeper issues that cause us to view that relationship as toxic, untouchable? 

Sometimes a truly toxic relationship may be left alone; but until you really look at it, really examine the reasons, that feeling of needing to reconnect will not go away.

What do we expect from the reconnection?

Is it an apology?  (look back at the pride question.)  Is it understanding or forgiveness from the other for what you have done, or not done? 

Don't expect an Oprah moment.  It may happen, but it is better to take baby steps; small and realistic goals.   For example, just opening up a conversation can be a goal.   For some relationships, this is a major step.   Get your feet in the door; open the lines of communication.

It takes two to tango.

The other person has their own goals, expectations, and reasons for even letting you talk to them (if they do.)  Realize that all those things play into the initial meeting and the process of reconcilliation.  Be aware, always, that you are involved in a dynamic, two-sided relationship.  

But be the first one to dance!

If it comes to a deadlock when we try to reconnect, be the first one to back down.  Be prepared to take the moral high road.  Be patient.  Put your pride on hold.  You can save face or practice some grace.

Treat each other as you are today; not how you remember them.

It may be all too easy to fall into old habits - which may be the ones that lead to your estrangement in the first place.  Just because you may have had history, doesn't mean that that history needs to dictate how each person will respond to the other today.

Reconnection and Reconciliation is a process, not a one stop shop.

Getting a conversation started is a great place to begin.  As with all relationship, we need to look at what happened; how close or far away you came to your and their expectations.  Is it possible to continue the conversation again?  Sometimes it is not.  However, if the door is still open, move forward!


Reconnection and reconciliation is worth whatever hardship and time you may put into it.  Rebuilding bridges is never time wasted!