Masks - Hiding Behind Them

What is it about the masks we wear, the defenses we put up, that makes it so difficult to get to know anybody.  How do these things get in place?  Do we take some unknown class  to learn how to choose and use these things?

I would like to give a couple of examples of the masks that I know that I wear sometimes. 

The Mask of "I've Got It All Together" or "I'm in Control!"

It's so easy to put this mask on, and then forget you are wearing it. We want to look to the outside world as if everything is fine, we've got it all handled, no problems, thank you very much.
This one weighs alot, and is very heavy to carry around. Even worse, it makes it very hard to ask for help, which leads to the next mask.............

The Mask of "I Don't Need Anyone"

There is a pervasive notion that to be a "Rugged Individualist" is to be strong, successful, respected.  While this concept is very American, it is so impossible to do. It's good to stand on your own two feet, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, but, when taken to an extreme, it can be very isolating. While being independent is a worthy goal, we all need someone to lean on. The curious thing is, most people really like to help when asked.

The Mask of Perfectionism

Another very seductive mask because it makes us look so good. Too bad it's not only false, it's also not attainable. So many people strive for perfection as a way to feel good about themselves. A good move here is to trade in perfectionism for excellence, which is attainable, and a whole lot more fun.

The Mask of Busy-ness

Somehow, busy-ness has become associated with importance. If we are always busy, then we must be important. Unfortunately, busy-ness binds us to many things that might be good and worthwhile, while we miss the things that are the very best.

The Mask of Knowing It All

This mask is typically accompanied by a burning desire to beat people over the head with their important knowledge. The really sad thing is these folks tend to be very unteachable, and therefore never actually learn anything.

The Mask of "I've always got to make a good impression!"

While similar to the I've Got It All Together mask, it differs in at least one important way. It's much more exhausting. It's hard to put down the worry about what everyone else thinks, and the need to control the impression you make on each and every person.

The goal of most masks is protection. In many cases it is not needed.  However, sometimes, residual fears of acceptance cause these masks to remain on far longer than they should.

Taking off these masks involves risk.

 

It is easy for us to accept criticism if it is the mask and not ourselves that received it.  We can rationalize, then, that "They don't know me.  If they did, they would not have done that, or said that!"

 

The mask provides psychological distance from another person or situation.  Our mind filters our reactions through whichever mask we are wearing.  When we have the motivation to show fear, the mask changes it to anger, or patience, or even laughter.   While these transitional emotions are sometimes very healthy to have, the habit of continually using them means that we loose track of what we are truly and actually feeling.

 

No Masks means:

 

1.  The will to experience and show emotions as they happen to us. 

2.  The desire to let go of the desire that we must always impress others

3.  The release of the need to have things under control

4.  The motivation to experience the world, people, and situations for what they are, not what they can do for us nor to us.

I am going to include this poem about masks in this blog.  It sums up so much more than I can do.

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THE MASK I WEAR

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
  for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
     masks that I'm afraid to take off
  and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
  within as well as without,
     that confidence is my name
       and coolness my game,
         that the water's calm
       and I'm in command,
    and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
  I don't want anybody to know it.
    I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
       and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
  To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
  my only salvation,
    and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
  and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
  from my own self-built prison walls.

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
  the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
  But I need your help, your hand to hold
    Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
      That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
        of what I can't assure myself,
          that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
  I don't dare.
   I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
  and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good
  and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
  With a facade of assurance without
    And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
  The glittering but empty parade of masks,
    and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
  and nothing of what's everything,
     of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
  do not be fooled by what I'm saying
    Please listen carefully and try to hear
      what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
  but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
  long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
    The nearer you approach me
       the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
  I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
    you wonder who I am
      you shouldn't
        for I am everyman
        and everywoman
           who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

 

-Author unknown

A Story of Dignity

A Story of Dignity
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I pulled up to the ol' Walmart gas pumps this morning, and the place was packed.  When, finally, I got to the pumps, there was someone else waiting for me to finish.

I looked at this older SUV van waiting and saw that the passenger was trying to get out.  He was an older gentleman, with graying hair, and piercing eyes.  Something about him just told me that he used to be a man of power, respect, substance.  Like a remembered air of authority and command.

He had a lot of difficulty getting out of this SUV..  His movements were slow and strained.  All the while, the driver watched him but did not offer to help; she just watched him with respect in her eyes.  I think she was his daughter, but perhaps not.  Her eyes followed him, his every movement, like she would react if he started to fall, but he did not.

The cane came out; first one leg and then another touched the ground.  He teetered a little but got his balance back.  Then he started moving for a pump that was just opening.  The SUV pulled into it, and the man took out his card, swiped it, balanced his body on the left with his cane and none-to-steady left leg, removed the gas cap, and picked up the pump and put it in the vehicle.   The woman in the driver seat never took her eyes from him.

I finished and drove off, but that incident stayed in my mind.  It was a demonstration of a proud man who, while limited by his age and his body, still gets out and pays and pumps his own gas.  I know it took an effort.  You could see it in his face, in his breathing.  But he did it anyway.

It made me think that not everyone would allow the time and patience for someone to do what they still were capable of doing; even pumping gas.  It is not just the elderly that seem to be bypassed in this "immediate" life but any of those that are slower, not as skilled, not as coordinated as the "normal" us.

When I went with my dad out to Soup and Salads, there was an elderly man who was the busboy.  I watched him at first, because I had never seen someone his age being a busboy.  Yet, while I watched, he not only cleaned off the tables, but went further and moved all the shakers, condiments, etc off the table and cleaned under them. and took time out to wipe off the benches and chairs.  I saw another busboy (busgirl) who just cleared and wiped.  She did it quicker, much quicker, but not a tenth the job he did.  I was actually proud of this Soup and Salad for hiring him.  They may have thought they were taking a chance on him, but I hope they know and appreciate the honor, the pride he takes in everything he does for them.

I am glad I was reminded of the value of people, at any age, who have pride in what they do.

Reconnecting and Reconciling

I have heard some stories from those that have deep and abiding regrets about their life.   It is rarely about the money they could have had, the job, the house, the car.  In most cases, it is about the relationship they lost, or the friendship from which they walked away.  In some way, it is about a connection that was broken.

They all speak of doing it over, rebuilding that burned bridge, reconnecting; in other words, they are talking about redemption and reconciliation.  What could have been done; what should have been done; what can still be done.

As we get older, we tend to see our lives in terms of the relationships we have or do not have, rather than those more material things we may strive for in our younger years.

Often, the mid-life crisis is one of identity, of goals not yet accomplished, of value in life.   There can also be another type of mid-life or end-life crisis; one which is a crisis of relationships.

So how do we reconnect?

If we are estranged, then we need to look at why.  

Is it the force of habit that has prevented reconciliation with another?  Is it pride?  Has our ego been bruised by another?  Do we feel justified in never talking with them until they talk with us?  Are there deeper issues that cause us to view that relationship as toxic, untouchable? 

Sometimes a truly toxic relationship may be left alone; but until you really look at it, really examine the reasons, that feeling of needing to reconnect will not go away.

What do we expect from the reconnection?

Is it an apology?  (look back at the pride question.)  Is it understanding or forgiveness from the other for what you have done, or not done? 

Don't expect an Oprah moment.  It may happen, but it is better to take baby steps; small and realistic goals.   For example, just opening up a conversation can be a goal.   For some relationships, this is a major step.   Get your feet in the door; open the lines of communication.

It takes two to tango.

The other person has their own goals, expectations, and reasons for even letting you talk to them (if they do.)  Realize that all those things play into the initial meeting and the process of reconcilliation.  Be aware, always, that you are involved in a dynamic, two-sided relationship.  

But be the first one to dance!

If it comes to a deadlock when we try to reconnect, be the first one to back down.  Be prepared to take the moral high road.  Be patient.  Put your pride on hold.  You can save face or practice some grace.

Treat each other as you are today; not how you remember them.

It may be all too easy to fall into old habits - which may be the ones that lead to your estrangement in the first place.  Just because you may have had history, doesn't mean that that history needs to dictate how each person will respond to the other today.

Reconnection and Reconciliation is a process, not a one stop shop.

Getting a conversation started is a great place to begin.  As with all relationship, we need to look at what happened; how close or far away you came to your and their expectations.  Is it possible to continue the conversation again?  Sometimes it is not.  However, if the door is still open, move forward!


Reconnection and reconciliation is worth whatever hardship and time you may put into it.  Rebuilding bridges is never time wasted!