Random Distinct Unique Commonalities

Don't Mind the Man Behind the Curtains

2012-01-01T13:25:00.000-06:00

Don't Mind the Man Behind the Curtains

It is strange going through my spiritual biography. Some things I would rather not look too closely at, and others are kinda nice to see again. Trying to pry some underlying direction, mission statement, or life's goal out of them is difficult to say the least.

There were the painful times when I tried it on my own. This whole faith thing. Times when I was reminded that I was a very (and still am) flawed person in a flawed world.

One year when I first became assistant director at camp, I learned that most of the work behind anything, much less a functioning Christian Community, is done behind the scenes. I thought, back then, I would have more time to hang out with the campers, more time to do Bible Studies, more time in the limelight, so to speak. This was not the case. I remember clearly so many times that during the Community Celebration (the non-competitive talent show held at the end of the week) that I had no campers that stood up and gave me compliments. No "What was good about the week" observations that included me. I felt left out. When I was a counselor the year before, there seemed to be a whole lot more little recognitions. Sounds petty and egotistical doesn't it? It was.

There were other times that I led the worship services and that was so much fun. However, as an Assistant Director, my job was to encourage the staff, and through them, the campers to lead their own worships. So I had Sunday a lot of the time, and the rest I was a participant. Again, such a petty thing, but I missed it.

It is not that I wasn't being used by God, just not in the particular way that I wished to be used. What did God use me for? When the kitchen dishwasher ran out of chemicals, I knew where they were stored and how to change them out. When the chlorine injector failed on the pump house, I knew how to fix it. Also, when a camper went missing, I knew what needed to be done, how to organize search parties, how to interrogate campers from the cabin from which he went missing.

Also there were the times when God used me to support those that were on the front lines of ministry with the youth. When staff were having a rough time, whether job related or personal, I was there to talk with them. When they needed encouragement, directions, or time and space to just grow (time and space equates to allowing them to make and learn from their own mistakes).

This was not only camp, not only college years, but I found as I went over my life, I was not the front-runner, nor the motivational speaker, nor the person in the limelight. God has used me to grease the pulleys of life, to dust the curtains, to adjust the spotlights so that other people could shine.

I am God's maintenance man, using love to keep the stage of Grace working, and the lights on.

Is this all I am?

2011-09-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

There is a wonderful line in Star Trek I: The Motion Picture, where Spock is telling Kirk what the artificial life form VGER is thinking and asking.   At one point, Spock relays a question VGER has been asking since it's creation. "Is this all I am? Is there nothing more?

Apart from showing my Geek, by quoting Star Trek, this question comes up constantly in life. Even reading some of the journal entries for Mother Theresa, in which she writes of her doubts about her life, her faith, God, and her mission, we all have periods where we look around and ask "Is this all I am?"

Recently, I entered into a deep conversation with a woman. She was seeking for the answer to this question. Her life, to all outward appearances, seemed idyllic, full of love, full of success. Yet, she made the statement that she never got to "get off the treadmill" of her life. She always felt like she had to stay in the rat race, go through the motions to provide for her family. She felt stuck.   I listened and her complaints and realized that they could have come from right inside my own head. They were so familiar.

She talked about her everyday life and how when she got a moment free her mind would immediately be drawn to the next task, the next action, the next fire she felt she had to put out. From getting her children ready for school in the morning, to going to work, to coming home, cooking, cleaning, enforcing homework time with her kids, supper, dishes, schoolwork, getting ready for bed, trying to fall asleep so that the next day could begin the whole thing over.

Now, I don't have children, and I am mainly responsible only to myself, but I too feel like most of the time I am shackled by the everyday. My thoughts, my dreams, my visions are put on hold while I take care of business. Yet, the longer these dreams and thoughts are ignored, forced down, not experienced, I know a part of me starts to atrophy. This part is hope.

If we cannot picture something different that what we experience, then hope fades. With hope goes motivation. Soon, we truly feel like we are going through the motions; motions we cannot stop because we are afraid of things coming apart, or bills not paid, or children not looked after, or responsibilities not met.

I remember listening to Deepak Chopra on audiobook when he was relating a story about how most Westerners (Americans) have such a difficult time being in silence. He said that most people, in the first few days, bug out. Some get very agitated; some cry; one even starting banging his head against a wall (softly though) because the silence was getting too much to bear. Most of his students, when asked why it was so difficult, said that they thought at first that they were just wasting the time. Nothing was being done. Nothing was accomplished. Then, they found their minds reaching for something besides silence. A distraction, a problem, something to engage their mind.   Finally, after some days, more days for some less for others, their mind gave up and just started experiencing peace.

Now, I know for one that I do not have the desire to go to a retreat and be silent for the days it would take to silence my mind.   Perhaps it would be good for me, but I just don't have the desire.   However, I have found that times of silence during the day do have the effect of recharging the imagination engines again.   With imagination, there comes daydreaming, envisioning, hope. Motivation returns.   The ability to look once again at my life, not in terms of running on the same treadmill, or being shackled by chains, but rather seeing new possibilities. Focusing on things I can change. Appreciating things that already bring joy to my life.   The view changes. The chains are no longer so restraining.

I love retreats up at my camp in Kerrville.   Not only do I love spending time with all the children that come up there, but their families as well.   You have never seen so many adults, that for a weekend, are unshackled by the everyday.   Smiles, hugs, laughs, practical jokes, boasting, toasting, story-telling, bragging, loving, listening, caring, understanding.   They have all taken a moment and in that moment their imagination, their hope, their perception of possibilities comes back.

Now why did I go into this long monologue about "Is this all I am?"   Because the start of hope begins when you answer "There is always more!"

Becoming Someone Wonderful

2011-08-05T11:09:00.001-05:00

Having joined one of those online dating sites, I have been placed in a position to have to review and sometimes modify my concept of a future companion. It is a daunting task. Sometimes, a humbling one.

At first, I laid out the various women with whom I have had any kind of relationship in the past. What were their great qualities? Which areas were we most complementary? Which areas caused the most friction? What qualities did I possess which made the relationship more difficult to grow in a healthy way? What factors caused the dissolution of the relationship?

Very sobering questions.

Yet, they brought me to a realization. One that I knew before, but that had so much more impact now. Searching for a long-time companion is not a process of finding someone wonderful, but becoming someone wonderful.

The search for the perfect fit, or someone with whom I am compatible is usually done by looking for qualities the other person needs for me to feel they might be a good companion, girlfriend, friend, etc. How many times in this process did I point to myself and say which qualities do I have that would make another person a good companion, boyfriend, friend, etc.

At some point, I need to either be in the process of uncovering the areas in which I still need improvement, or actively becoming a better version of the person I wish to be. Anything less would be not only a diservice to whomever I might have a relationship, but a diservice to myself.

I recently started reading "The Five Love Languages." by Gary Chapman. In this book, he describes five ways in which we express and receive love from another. Words of Affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch are the 5 languages. I thought, what a better way to continue to become the best version of myself that I can be but to become better at all 5 languages. That way, no matter which language the other person uses to love, I can both recognize and appreciate it, and return it.

This prompted me to go back to my first questions about previous relationships. In which ways were the 5 languages used. In which ways were they interpreted, or misinterpreted? How did I misinterpret or not acknowledge or not appreciate them in the other?

What amazed me is that most if not all the problems with previous relationships had to do with not speaking and recognizing the same language. While I thought I was extremely loving in words of affirmation and quality time, acts of service were not really there. On of the women really responded (or did not respond well) to what she considered a reflection of love that was not there, namely acts of service, doing chores, tasks, things for her. It was not completely absent, but it was not one of my languages at the time.

So back to becoming a wonderful person.

Now that I know the areas in which I respond, the languages I use to show love and receive as an affirmation of that love, I can at least be prepared enough to share those with women I may date and hear what language they use.

So now my eyes are open to how the other expresses love for people in their lives. I ask about their relationship with parents, with friends. What times have they felt very loved and appreciated. From this, I slowly decipher their language of love.

This whole article has been about dating, but it can be about any form of love. Love between friends, family, spouse, etc. It is simply about listening and recognizing the ways in which people feel loved.

More on this in later blogs......................

I Can Feel It

2011-07-02T09:17:00.001-05:00

I can feel it. The tingle in the air. The sense of anticipation. It is like a small snowflake before the winter wonderland. Or, in Texas, the dust of sand before the dune.

I've had this feeling before. As a young boy, the closer I got to this the more excited, animated, and joyful I became. As an adult, I find I am having the same reactions.

Yes, I'm being a bit cryptic about what this thing, this event is, because I really want to talk about the feelings and actions that come up when people get excited. When they feel passion for something. When they can't wait for something they love to occur.

For me high school was not a great experience. I was part of the "geek" and "nerd" and "dweeb" crowd. Didn't really want to be in that crowd, but I was. There were several groups, the least of which were the athletes, that made life at that time a little difficult. A lot damaging to the ego. And, of course, girls at that time looked on us for what we could do for their grades, not their hearts.

Yet, my summers were reserved for what I loved. I would wait in anticipation all school year and almost run home the last day. The next week would be spent in a chaotic state, getting packed, ready, waiting......

Ok. Yes, I will tell you finally what this thing is. I wanted to give a lead-in, a preface because for many people it's no big thing. Summer Camp. Yep. Summer Camp.

I was a camper at my camp from 4th grade to 8th. I was a staff from 10th grade to after college. It was and is a magical place.

I would go there as a staff early. Usually it was only me and the camp director and maintenance guy. I would be put to work getting the campsite ready for summer. Several days, I remember, painting, sanding, buffing, polishing, doing trash runs, mowing. It was wonderful.

Then the staff for the summer would start to arrive and for the next two weeks it would be like all the best experiences of camp, mixed with the best experiences of school. All of this in an environment of loving kindness and service. There were many a time that I thought I could spend my life there. It ended up, that now, 20 some years later, I still have that desire.

So, next week I am going back to the same camp to volunteer for a week. Yes, I'm a bit older. Yes, I could be the dad of some of these staff. (Frightful thought). I could almost be the grandfather (not quite) of some of the campers. Yet, last year I did the same thing and it was as if I never left.

I am going to keep this a bit short, because I could almost write a book about my experiences there.

My question to you is, is there something that you look forward to, that stirs your blood, that affixes your attention. Is there something that you love that's coming up. And if there isn't......plan something.

A Special Saturday Morning

2011-06-11T11:51:00.000-05:00

(Since some of this is personal, I have changed the names and location.)

A friend who used to have a restaurant recommended that I go and check out another place.

So, when I woke up, I decided that this was the day I was going to visit.

I entered the town, and turned the corner where this cafe was located, and was presented with a large, blue house with the sign outside welcoming people in for a cup of Joe and perhaps breakfast.

I entered the front door and the "parlor" was full of welcoming couches, chairs, and festooned with art of all kinds. Pottery, painting, sculptures, masks, homemade works out of wood, stone, cloth, photos. A sign pointed to the kitchen area and I followed.

The art never left. With each turn I was presented again with these works on the shelves, wall, everywhere. In the dining room were reclaimed wood tables, a bar with inlaid glass and pebbles and dark wood inlays. All of it recycled wood.

Their menu is anything from Organic to mainstream. A little bit of everything for everyone. I ordered the coffee (which smelled heavenly) and the Sunrise plate. This was turkey with a touch of bacon with melted provolone and spinach sandwiched between two pita breads with an orange slice. It was delicious.

I was surrounded by art, and surrounded by fans (the kind that blow air). It was like being in a constant gentle breeze while I enjoyed my breakfast (which was so good I ordered the same thing again and ate it).

The owner Gracy grew up there and moved away, but came back and wanted to bring the feel of some of the organic, eco-friendly restaurants back her town. She talked out how much she had put into advertising and drawing customers. They have live music on the weekends, and everything they use they recycle.

I talked with the cook, her partner Marti. You could tell he loved to cook. He loved to talk. He told story after story about creating the benches and stage outside with recycled wood. How he built the bar, the tables, the trim on the walls. Very proud of his work. He spoke of his family and his wife that he lost to cancer.

He also talked about his miraculous encounters with God. His daughter was bipolar and had to be hospitalized repeatedly for her own safely. Yet, his stories about her were inspiring. At what seemed last the last moment, the last nickle that he couldn't afford to pay, the last bill that came due, something happened.

In one story, the hospital lost the bill and never charged him and never brought it up. That was after his time with God asking how he could afford yet another bill for his daughter.

Another story was his encounters with 3. In the course of a day he woke up at 3:33am but thought nothing of it. He then was at his daughter's house picking up clothes for her as she was to be released and he touched a rose that she was drying out upside down, and 3 petals fell. He got to the hospital and looked down and saw 3 quarters (which he has kept to this day), and this was the day that again, when he went to Billing asking what this would cost, the hospital said they would cover all the costs and he shouldn't worry.

A new couple came in then, and the first thing the woman did was go up to Marti and gave him a huge hug, saying, "I told you I'd be back" and presented her boyfriend to him (as if Marti were her father and she were presenting him to Marti for approval.) Then he had to get back to the kitchen.

A bicycling couple, in their skin tight wind suits, and obligatory white water bottles, were coming in just as I was leaving. They stopped and talked about the place and how they loved the recycling and conservation that Gracy and Marti did. They just love the place.

I left, charged up, inspired, and fed, and not just with food.

It was a great start to a day.

Long Road to the Mountains.

2011-05-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

Long Road to the Mountains
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Mountain tops are nice. The air is different. The view is spectacular. The setting often beautiful. It lends itself to a wider perspective, a longer vision. They are necessary. They are a spiritual reset that I need so often. The only drawback to mountain top experiences is that at some point, I have to go back into the valley. Rarefied air is great, but I can't breathe it forever.

So what happens when the mountain-top experiences become fewer and farther in between? In this dynamic two years since I "woke" up, I have had moment after moment of these timeless periods of feeling reconnected, seeing the longer view, experiencing the wider perspective, the eternal peace. They got so frequent that hardly a day went by that I did not have such a moment. It was glorious.

Now, I am looking at why I have fewer such experiences. To a mystic like myself, it is almost a painful sense of loss. That immediate, intimate experience of God is what impassions and emboldens me. The mountain-tops are where I wish to live. So the quest for an answer began.

There were valley experiences. More than usual.

Not to go into detail, but when a crisis or a problem comes up that seems to restrict, to limit the physical possibilities of life, I felt pulled off the mountain.

It took almost fourteen years to come to a point where, for the most part, I could balance all the axis of my life. I was conscious and actively participating in life. Challenges would come up, and for a while there were no mountaintops. Yet, this was a very short and temporary thing. The problems were within the realm of my experience. The tools I had to deal with them were at hand. It was familiar territory. Before I knew it, I was back experiencing those timeless moments of connectedness. In fact, more so after the crises.

A brush with mortality.

These recent crises were new. They involved another set of balances to be added to my life. Too much one way, and now instead of getting to a place where I was physically uncomfortable and temporarily limited, these felt more serious, more life and death. To put it simply, I re-experienced my own mortality. I knew again what it was to look at the possibility of a limited time on earth.

Forgetting to look outward

With these new problems came the immediate reaction; I went back into survival mode. Survival-mode is a funny thing. In order to protect myself from what I perceived as outside problems, I curled back into myself. All this really does is prevent me from looking toward those things that can make me feel less threatened; connections with other people, friendships, the support of a community. The tighter I curled up, the less open I was to the very things that restored me before.

I even remember a time very similar, when the act of service to another (giving a stranger a 130-mile ride), broke me out of that time in the valley. Yet, why did I not do the same thing this time. Because I was curled up and watching my back instead of watching how I might serve others.

So, now that I knew the road-map I had, I could change direction. I could choose a different outlook, and if I didn't end up in the mountains again, at least I would recognize them when they came again.

Turnabout - Heading in a new direction is sometimes painful

So what turned me about this time. It was a moment of sheer physical pain. Again, I won't go into details, but that moment of pain seemed to shock my system awake. Things started moving again. This wash of emotions cam over me. Like a torrent, it blasted all this stagnant, survival-mode crash position perceptions away. It was an emotional catharsis. At one point, it was so powerful that once again I turned outward and fervently welcomed God, something larger than myself, to help me out. Though I was alone, I felt once again connected. As the tears stopped and the breathing resumed, I was again me. The me who experiences mountains everyday.

Since then, I have seen again the playful presence behind the laughing eyes of a dog. The sheer moments of loving-kindness between friends, the giggling of children, the peace of the birds in flight.

I realize these things never left. I just got caught in the self-sustaining cycle of survival and forgot and denied my life, or the living of it.

Yet, now I know there will always be the mountains, but that there will always be the valleys as well. And I hope that this long journey back will remind me again to hope, to persevere in the valleys.

2011-04-23T12:20:00.000-05:00

Willingness versus Will-fullness.
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"I know now how to do it. I know where I made my mistakes. This time it will be better!"

"God helps those who help themselves!"

"If all else fails, then I will give the God thing an try."

"I am a mighty warrior for God! Look at all the things I have done!"

This is really a problem area for me. It is. I have two choices that seem, on the surface, to be contradictory.

I can be Willing.

You have all heard it. Just wait upon the Lord. Seek for those signs. Wait for God. Be available. Be willing.

Yet, how? I mean, do I just show up at church events, Sunday school, and sit on the pews waiting for God to use me? How about walking out into the center of town, and sit on a bench in the park and just wait for something to happen. I know, let me go and sit in a chapel in a hospital and wait for God to instruct me on what to do. I will need to reorganize my schedule. Nothing should get in the way of my availability for God right! I mean, I can put off that vacation and volunteer right? I can't start anything because I don't know if it is God inspired or God's will. I can't make a mistake. What if it is just my will?

Lots of what ifs. Lots of passivity. Lots of fears of making the wrong move, so I wait until God moves first.

Yes, I know this is unrealistic. It is taking willingness to a whole new level.

The assumption that Willingness begins from is that we need to be viilant, available, aware, and willing to do God's will when we see it in our lives. As you can see, it can degrade into a passivity with life in general. It becomes an excuse to not do things. To not try.

Let's look at will-fullness taken to the same level.

I can be will-full.

"Just do it"

"Go for gold"

"God or Bust!"

There is a part of me who sees something that should be done and wants to do it. Very little planning or rational thought goes into this. Sometimes I just jump. Later, when I am way over my head I ask the questions like "Wasn't this what God wished for me to do? I mean I was helping people after all. Sounds like it was God's will."

The underlying assumption in being willfull is that we are an active partner with God and therefore we don't have to wait for inspiration, but just begin to do something. I have nothing against this assumption. Sounds pretty good. But just like "Willingness" described above, it can lead to a life based on action and not contemplation. Asking how God fits in after plunging in. Making sure that God is still in our corner, when the boxing gloves come off.

Now both being Willing and Willfull have their place. In fact, this whole Christian journey wouldn't get very far without them.

Willingness allows us to see the needs in the world; and gives us the possibility that it may be us who may address these needs. Otherwise, we are armchair Christians, mouthing the words about that needs to be done but doing nothing.

Will-fullness provides the power, the motivation, the drive to act on those perceived needs. God did not create us with no will at all. We have the power to make decisions, to take action. We can do.

Yet, both of these are necessary to counterbalance the other.

Our willingness may be there to change our minds about the course we have started (we have willed). Perhaps it is a path which is better for us and the world than the one we acted on. We have to be open to this possibility. We need to be willing to reevaluate.

We also need to be will-full to check the tendency to remain static, or even paralyzed in making a decision about what to do. We need the motivation to act on new circumstances. To change our path when necessary.

Our willingness introduces us to where we can be useful, and our will acts on it. Both necessary. Both harmful when taken to an extreme.

What a mystical experience feels like.

2011-04-02T13:16:00.001-05:00

What a mystical experience feels like.

Let me first say that all people have mystical experiences. No really. They do.

A mystical experience is one in which you experience feelings, thoughts, sights, sounds that cannot be explained; or rather, are outside your realm of experience.

Your first crush on someone was a mystical experience. There were feelings that overwhelmed your heart. Sensations that coursed through your body. There was an overwhelming sense that you were plugged into something so much more powerful than you. This is a mystical experience.

For mothers and fathers, oftentimes the birth of their child is a wholly and singly powerful experience. In a moment, their outlook, their feelings, their motivations, their thoughts, their entire contract with reality changes. Some parents literally have a moment out of time. Everything slows down; and what occurs is a suspended moment of bliss. Indescribable joy. Unlimited Love. This is truly a mystical experience.

Though these experiences are not limited to those above. You can have a mystical moment looking at a tree, reading a book, looking at a photo, listening to a song. Remember the definition. It is simply an experience that transports us to a place unknown and unexplainable.

So what is one of my mystical experiences?

I used to work at a summer camp. It is a Lutheran camp that caught and held my heart and my service for my childhood, young-adult and college years. Once I graduated, life took over and I did not go back, even for a retreat for 16 years. Then I just decided one summer to volunteer for a week. Here is where the mystical experience comes in.

This is the body of an email I wrote to a dear friend of mine after that experience.
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"What can I even say about the 5 days I got to spend in among such wonderful and loving people in such a blessed place?

What I did was listen to people's stories...their moments with God; their contact with the seen and unseen; their love for each other; their service. With each interaction and each story, these people became the saints, the fellowship of all believers, the people of God. Truly, they were so filled with love and the richness of their experiences, that it was impossible not to fall in love with each and every one. The people there are the embodiment of what can happen when Love and Service become living things; part of the fabric and makeup of each one!

I slipped into that loving community, not as a stranger, nor outsider, but as a welcome friend. To the staff I was just another staff. To the campers, just another camper. To the pastors and sponsors, just another pastor.

I felt like no other time the physical presence of God. My being was attuned to another world. I could feel the emotions, the joys, the trials, the pains of other people there. I had empathy like never before. It was unbelievable.

And these people, these staff were of such quality, such richness that I was moved many a time to tears.

It was simply and life-changingly amazing!"

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I did forget to point out another characteristic of a mystical experience.
After the experience, you feel more connected to something greater than yourself.

If the mystical experience happens with people, you feel a greater sense of community. The ties that were there are stronger, and new ties are forged. If it is in solitude, the strands that tie nature, the world, your soul, your mind, your heart are strengthened.

With these characteristics in mind; remember the mystical experiences that you have had.

God is Patient and Kind....

2011-03-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

Paraphrase/Modification of 1st Corinthians 13:4

" 4 God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. 5 God does not dishonor others, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs. 6 God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

What concept of God do we have? What do we think about when we think of God?

I know that for myself, my concept of God came from the Old Testament stories. God was a burning bush, a frightful and awe-inpiring Father of Heaven, The Great IAM, the Alpha and Omega. Now I also realize that my picture of God was also of an old man with a long white beard who reigned on a golden throne surrounded by angels.

In this country, I would bet that that is fairly close to many people's vision or concept of God. Yet, that model (The Great Father/Creator) has with it it's own limitations.

If our concept of God is based on a father figure, then the same limitations that are in our own family relationships are defacto in our relationship with God. Even a perfect father figure we can only imagine to the point that we have felt a father who has given unconditional love, unconditional support. All fathers, or parents in general, cannot live up to that ideal. So when we have felt conditional love from a parent, it shapes that relationship with God (using that Father/Creator model). Every dashed hope, conditional behavior, restriction or discipline we felt growing up is always in the back of our minds then when we relate to God.

For those people who did not have good parents, or parents at all, the problem becomes even more insideous. God then becomes a punishing or withholding God because that is our experience with our earthly parents.

At some point, this model of Father/Creator, must change or we will be unconsciously placing restrictions on God's love for us.

In the paraphrase and modification of 1st Corinthians above, I would argue that the vision of God, the model that we need to move into is one where God is Love. Any passage from the Bible that mentions Love, we should be able to substitute "God". By doing so, we are opening up God, or our vision of God, in order that we may see the unconditional character of God's affection and love for us.

Let me restate the passage again:

" 4 God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. 5 God does not dishonor others, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs. 6 God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

This God is now more than the great Father/Master/King. Though all those things are still true. The focus has shifted to the character of God and away from the Image of God.

God's character is now highlighted by the following traits:

Patience, Kindness, envy-less, boast-less, humble, honoring all others, seeking the best for others, not getting angry, not keeping tally of the wrongs nor sins. God delights now with truth. God protects. God trusts. God hopes, and God endures always.

Does this not also sound like the God from the Bible? It is. The focus has changed but God has not. Our concept of God has changed but God has not.

What does this new conceptualization, new model of God affect us now? One Answer! "Unconditional Love". That is what God is. God loves period. God doesn't love in spite of. God doesn't love because we love him. God Loves. It is a fact. There is no because. There is no set of conditions. When God said "I am that I am" God could have been saying "I love that I love" and it would mean the same!

God is love.
(John 3:16; Romans 5:8; 1 John 4:8)

-more later.

Self-Inspiration

2011-02-16T14:41:00.000-06:00

Yes. I know that all inspiration can be said to come from within and not from without. However, when I talk about self-inspiring thoughts, I am refferring to those things within yourself that you tap into, in order to reach an inspired state.

Several blogs I have done have had to do with being inspired by people, places, nature, etc. A wonderful sunset, or the ducks playing in the water, a baby laughing and others have the ability to inspire. True. Oft times I do not have immediate access to these things. Sometimes in the lazy boy or laying down in bed I still want to be inspired. This is when I participate in self-inspiration.

It starts with the desire to be inspired. Sometimes I don't have that desire. Let's face it. And that's OK. But when I do want new ideas, new vistas, new revelations, new motivations then that is a different story. Then it begins with a change of thought.

The easiest way to explain changing my thoughts is that I build a thought-vision. A daydream.
I create a movie script or short story in my mind. I place myself in a vision in which I am inspiring others or they are inspiring me. This can also include visions where I love and am loved by others.

There are a couple of rules to building this daydream though. No Negative Thoughts! No Bad Outcomes! No Self-Criticism. Which means, this is a true daydream. I do not need to justify its contents, or explain it to yourself in any way. Any never do I say, "Even though this will never happen....." or "This is impossible but....."
The purpose of the daydream is to re-inspire me. It is to infuse my life with the feeling of being spirit-filled.

For example:

I come back and back to a vision of myself volunteering at a woman's shelter. I am sitting taking notes, taking and intake, and I hear a joke being told by one of the children. Suddenly this gurgling laughter wells up inside of me, overflowing in loud guffaws. I cannot help myself from laughing. At first there is a silence with the rest of the people there; but from second to second I see the corners of the children's mouths turn up. A few begin to laugh quietly; and upon seeing that I literally cannot stop myself from laughing, they begin to relax into true laughter. The mothers and some of the staff start laughing too. A wave of good-natured humor spreads throughout the room. I see the sparkles in the children's eyes and the deep relaxed sighs of the women.

It sounds too simple to be somethings that inspires me; but while I was writing the above, I felt so full of inspiration that tears started flowing. No kidding. That daydream of bringing joy to them never fails to inspire me that that is my life's purpose. Helping others.

Another daydream is of me in front of High School and College students, giving a motivational speech. In it I am talking about the worthiness and value of each and every life. We talk about the skills and talents each has, and how they are affected and changed when they get to share these with others. The students give their own stories and I watch as one story from one student inspires another. The feeling of closeness and understanding among them build and when they relate the very emotional and pain filled moments of their lives, the others reach out and hug and hold, touch and affirm them. I feel the compassion and empathy from them all. They quickly go from being strangers to something more.

Again, it sounds quite simple; and in both cases somewhat ego-centric on my part; but, it has impact. It inspires me. The dreams of affecting and being affected in the process of teaching, preaching, praying, laughing, playing and working with people has always inspired.

The best part about participating in these daydreams is that I can do it at any time. When I need a motivational boost to when I feel depressed. The funny thing is though; by going through these daydreams, when I am around nature, the sky, the earth, people, communities, families, friends I find it easier to be inspired by them. It is as if the inner inspiration primes the pump to experience it outside myself.

Plus, I just like to daydream.

Love at a Distance

2011-02-05T11:44:00.000-06:00

Love At a Distance

I've written about the effect that love has on people. Quite a bit in fact. However, there are times that you never need to come into contact with someone to affect their lives, and they yours. Let's call this "Love at a Distance."

We affect everything by our thoughts. Whether we know it or not. It is not so much of a stretch to think that we can also affect people though our thoughts of love about them and to them, without even talking.

Norman Vincent Peale had the right idea when he spoke of the many instances where changes were made in another person's actions by thinking positive thoughts toward that person. Even though no talking took place, a change happened.

In one of his illustrations, he talked about encountering another driver, while out on the highway. Norman was going somewhere unfamiliar, with trust map in hand and entered the freeway. This other driver cut him off, slowed down when Norman needed to speed up, switched lanes when he wanted to exit. Norman was not blameless. The more aggressive the other drive got, the more he did too. Then he was cut off, he started cursing the other guy under his breath. When he wanted to enter a lane and was blocked he rammed down on his horn. It just escalated from there. Finally, Norman realized that he was getting no where with this one-upsmanship on the road. He slowed down and started talking, in his car, to the other driver. Calmly he told the other driver to take the lead. That he was sorry for all the bad things he thought about him on the freeway. That he should have a good day, and be safe on the road. In fact, Norman went so far as to wish him in his heart a great and joyful day.

Well, they both happened to turn off on the same road, and Norman stopped to look at his map. The man in the other car pulled over too, and asked him if he could give him any directions or help him in any way. The change in the behavior of that man Norman attributed to the change in his attitude toward him.

Now we are talking about Love at a Distance and not a good attitude at a distance, but it works much the same way. Our thoughts of unconditional positive regard (the psychological definition of love) radiates out from us in ways that are not limited to talk, touch, feel. In fact, I would go so far as to say there are no limits to how this attitude expands and touches all around us.

Have you ever started thinking about someone you wished would contact you, and then you get a card in the mail from them. Or how about when you think that you really need to apologize to a good friend, and you battle with yourself over calling, but then they call you.

But let's talk about love now. What if you have burned bridges with someone. They won't accept your calls. They don't send you mail. What then? How can you ask for forgiveness and rebuild that bridge when communication just isn't there?

If we believe that love, unconditional positive regard, can be shared with another, even if that other person is out of sight, out of touch, even out of the country, then there are active things we can do to Love at a Distance.

Change our inner conversations about that person

Our present attitudes are habits, built from the feedback of parents, friends, society and self, that form our self-image and our world-image. These attitudes are maintained by the inner conversations we constantly have with ourselves, both consciously and subconsciously. Our attitudes about others are also build from these inner conversations. So change the conversation. Instead of thinking how the other person won't contact you because they are stubborn, a jerk, etc, replace it with an inner conversation with that person that focuses on the wonderful characteristics they have, the ones that may have made them friends in the first place.

Actually have the conversation. Talk to them like you would if they were in the same room with you.
Don't let blame and guilt, finger-pointing come into your conversation with their virtual selves. Only focus on what you would like to see accomplished if you saw each other. How your friendship means so much, and all the shared great memories. Apologize to them for any thing you have done wrong. Tell them that their greatest happiness is your greatest goal.

Continue the conversation as the days go on. Visualize that all wrongs are forgiven, and you are back in the friendship.

If it is a relative stranger, the same applies. Have the virtual conversation. Talk to them about the same things. Wish them happiness. Wish them peace. Surround them with your visions of them being happy. Of them getting along with you. Put yourself into the picture in your mind.

Whatever the greatest thing you wish for yourself, wish more for them.

Again, without ever needing to speak or see the other person, visualize them receiving all the things that you wish for yourself. Success, friends, peace of mind, humor, laughter, love. Include them in your daydreams of you receiving these things. Imagine all the ways that, if you saw them again, you could participate in providing these things to them.

Pray

Whether in prayer or meditation or simple quiet time, include these people in your thoughts. Visualize them surrounded by unconditional love See them in your mind's eye as receiving that unconditional love; of having that seep into every cell; of the perfect situations, people, plans that would assure them of that love. Pray for the ability for them to see all the times, the opportunities to experience that grace.

When the time comes to speak to them, don't miss it!
Very often, a time will come when you will have a chance to speak with them. Be ready. By this time, your inner conversations, desires and prayers have prepared not only them but you for a conversation full of positive regard, healing and love. Even if it is only a few words, let them come from your heart. You never know, but that it may spawn more such opportunities. It may be the start of reconciliation.

Saturday Morning Routine

2011-01-29T12:02:00.000-06:00

Saturday mornings I have gotten into a habit, a pattern of behavior. While I live in the country, I get in my car and drive to a nearby town; go to my favorite restaurant, and eat breakfast, leisurely.

Before the waitress even arrives, I am slowing down my breathing; taking longer and deeper breaths. I look at the menu, even though I end up ordering the same thing every time. Sometimes a book keeps me company. Something that is inspirational, emotional, moving. Sometimes, I re-read posts from Facebook; from those people who never fail to make me smile as I read about them.

Some of the waitresses I know. A pleasant chat about what's going on in their lives; a shared joke, a story, etc. In between I stare outside, seeing the few people walking down the streets and wondering what their day will be like.

The ice tea arrives, and I get the first taste of the slightly sweetened, and slightly lemon icy taste of it. Something else settles down in my soul. A sense of comfort and peace starts welling up.

I can hardly await the food. I know it will be fantastic, and not just because I am hungry and have waited to have a late breakfast.

When it arrives, I put the book aside, the people-watching ceases momentarily. Food needs to be prepared. The kitchen does this well, but I put my own finishing touches to it. The fruit usually comes first. It's sweet and textured taste, crisp for some and soft and melting for others, fills my palate. I eat about half, knowing the hot food is cooling.

The main course is prepared; a salsa placed on my migos, a separation made between the hot and cold fruit, so no tastes mix on the plate. Then the first bite of the hot food. Ah.... The textures of the tortillas, eggs, spices, cheese. Each has a place on the tongue. Each is a note in the symphony of taste.

After some time, I switch back to the fruit. It cleanses the palate. It resets the taste buds. A bit of ice tea. A pause. Then back to the migos. It's a pattern. A play.

All the while, my people watching or book reading or chatting continues. While the tastes and textures of the food excite my mouth, the tapestry of life around me excites my soul.

The woman walking along the sidewalk happens upon a good friend, also out for the morning; and the small joyful reunion ensues.

The couple that just came in the restaurant with their child brings the thought that I will hear laughter from both child and parents at some point. Rarely am I dissapointed.

The older couple at one of the other tables, not saying much of anything, yet constantly in some kind of contact with one another. Their hands resting on top of the each others. Their legs or feet touching slightly under the table. I imagine what kind of life they have been through to so weave their lives and love together.

There is often banter between the cook and waitress. Good natured kidding. It feels warm. It feels like family. Inside jokes, witty comebacks. It reminds me of my brother and sister and how we bantered about.

Sometimes a phrase from a book or a post catches me off-guard. I see something differently. I feel something deep respond. Amongst this life, this food, these people, a change has occurred within.

"it is those moments where some reminder brings awareness to all that is beautiful and miraculous." a post by a friend on Facebook.

"Yes", I respond internally. I have a name for the Saturday morning custom. I am not seeking, but finding nonetheless the reminders in a morning meal, in a small town restaurant, in people around that all is beautiful and miraculous.

A shiver goes down my spine. I take a deep breath, as the peace of life settles in.

How you Approach Life.

2011-01-15T12:03:00.000-06:00

I knew a valley person who saw the world as surrounded by obstacles. Wherever she looked, she saw the sides of rock walls, the unclimbable sides of mountains. She is a valley person.

Her conversations were all about how this person or that person brought trouble to her life. How she would be so much better off if Mr. X never talked to her again. How Bank Y just didn't understand that she had the money in by the end of the day, but still got charged an overdraft. Her children treated her like a slave, a maid. Everything in the world was out to get her, to make her life hard.

She would get a cold and immediately think that if it turned into the flu, she just couldn't miss that time at work. They would fire her. Perhaps it was H1N1. And so on.........

When moments of opportunity, or even rest and recreation came up, she did not notice them; or noticing, only saw them as things which should be avoided. A nap couldn't be taken, because it would be interrupted. A vacation could not begin because there was just too much to do. A massage or a day at the spa was unaffordable. A morning brunch with friends would take up too much time.

I knew another valley person. No matter where she turned, she saw the beauty of mountains, the lushness of the grass on the hills, the splendor of snow on the peaks.

In her approach to others, she was graceful, patient, understanding. Talking with her made you feel better, made you feel listened to and respected. She could be found always talking. Many times, she would talk at length with strangers as though they were the best of friends.

Opportunities would arise for her and she would be off teaching night classes, delivering Meals on Wheels, playing with children in the park, feeding the geese. When she got a cold, it would turn into bronchitis. She had had breathing problems her whole life. Yet, even amidst the short breaths, and at times, exhausting coughing, she kept seeing the beautiful mountains.

Did the first women never have moments of bliss? I am sure she did. Did she laugh uproariously. Yes. Had she ever experienced love and belonging. Again, I have no doubt.

Did the second women ever huddle in fear? Or cry out in pain of loss? Did she ever have to face humiliation or shame? Again, assuredly.

The approach to life in each was what made the difference. Not the bad things that happened, nor the losses nor gains in each created their lives. One life seemed based on an assumption that she lived in a hostile or cruel world. The other that she lived in a benevolent one.

Einstein said, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

While that is denying the whole range of approached to life, it does highlight the fact that we all have a base motivation, a base assumption about life. For some, everything is a miracle. For others, a burden. For most of us, at some time, both.

Yet, if we make a decision to consciously choose the kind world, the loving stranger, the miraculous everyday, we are likely to experience more of it.

Love the World...and by the way, this means Love Yourself

2010-12-28T12:00:00.000-06:00

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another."
The golden rule.
Love and serve others.
Honor others as better than yourself.
It is in giving that you receive.

We've all heard them. Theses sayings, verses, words of wisdom have been around as long as have we. Give. love, share, serve. All of them true. All of them will make life better, more joyful, more loving. Yet, we hear these truths and can take them to an extreme.

Love the world!

Good idea. Sounds like that might work. The world needs love. Makes perfect sense. Not only that, if we love the world then we can share that fact with others. Being a martyr is in vogue right now. Suffering for your faith will get you in with the Church Council. You'll look good to your neighbors. Nobody can say anything bad about someone who will give all they have and sell it and give it to the poor.

I know of people who do give. They give everything of themselves. They pour out their talents, gifts, energy, time and often times sanity to those in need. Giving till it hurts is not just a description for these people but a rallying cry, a motto, a way of life. They are admired for it. They are praised for it. They are "good people." I also know that many burn out at some time. For some it takes decades, but there comes a time when they no longer give. They have nothing left. They check themselves out.

I knew of a pastor who loved working with families, parents. She had her degree in Divinity but also in Family and Child Counseling. Not only was she a pastor full time, but a more than part-time counselor. You name it, she dealt with it: divorce, suicide, violence, abuse, etc.   She was good. Everyone had the highest opinion of her. I lost contact with her, but recently found out she had left the church completely. I heard the story second-hand that she quit her job, never returned to the church, and shortly thereafter, moved to another city. Those same people in the church which had praised her for her service and compassion now muttered behind her back (she wasn't even there to defend herself.) and cast dispersions against her. How could she just quit and leave people who needed her? I talked with a friend of hers and what happened was she burned out. It was a choice between preserving her sanity, her health, her life and leaving that church and the ministry.

Love the world; just don't forget you are part of the world!

We are not praised for taking care of ourselves. Stories are not passed around that we saved ourselves; but that bus full of nuns that we saved, yes, that makes the headlines. People don't say, "what a good job you did in taking care of your own health, and finances, and home!" It doesn't happen that way.

We have been socialized and sometimes we have learned to always put others first. Or we have learned the opposite, put ourselves first always. Where is the balance?

Do you know that when they teach emergency response, one of the first questions to ask is "Am I and the other workers safe?" Airline attendants are taught to put on the oxygen mask first, before helping the passengers. Diving instructors are taught to protect themselves and their own safety if the student diver starts to panic. "Can I assist this other without putting myself in jeopardy and thus making the rescue impossible?"

Take a moment. Really think about the precautions we might take in our own lives before we love and serve others. Because it is through such precautions that we CAN love and serve others.

Are we serving from a place of love, or from a place of duty, expectation, or implied understanding?

Often times, the service the we give is not based on any real love we have for others, but the fear that we will be rejected, or looked down upon for not helping. This saps the will to serve, and uses far more energy than you would think. Prolonged service of this type leads not only to burn-out, but to resentment, anger, and disillusionment. Think from where is this motivation to serve coming.

Are we serving from a lack of resources, patience, time, understanding?

There are times we just don't have it to give. Parents really understand this. Teachers do to. If we still feel like we have to give at this point, it often doesn't turn out well. We become impatient, uncaring, short, mean, even passive-aggressive in the service. That is because our own patience, understanding, and caring with ourselves isn't so great. We haven't had time to love ourselves, serve ourselves, recharge our own tanks.

I am going to write more on this topic in later blogs. For now, ask yourselves these questions before "giving all you have." It will allow you to possibly give in a more healthy way, and for yourself to receive some of that giving as well.

Examine that Plank

2010-12-21T11:50:00.001-06:00

Some of these blogs have been about judging others and why not to do it. The limitations of judging another, of putting another in a box of your own preconceived notions, always limits us, rather than the person judged. However, I do want to talk about something I have heard about time and again when justifying our (my) behavior toward other people with whom I think I am better.

"Hate the sin, love the sinner!"

Have you heard this before? As Christians, I know that this phrase has done more to marginalize those whom we feel are engaged in activities, lifestyles, thoughts, or even feelings with which we do not agree. It is another box. Another label. Another way to justify judging them. But, it makes us feel better about ourselves. For we are not rejecting the person. No....We love the person, we are rejecting the sin. Aren't we holy?

I am getting a little empassioned about this. Usually my writing does not come across so strong or cynical. I do apologize about this, however; it is a little something that bugs the heck out of me.

If you look at the way Jesus lived his life, the words he spoke, the way he loved, he never advocated "Love the Sinner Hate the Sin!" In fact, Jesus, when witnessing the condemnation of the woman caught in adultery, he did not say, "Don't stone this woman. Love her, but hate her sin!" No. He rather turned the tables on those judges and pointed out that not a one of them was without sin, none could justify their own position of judgment against her.

In light of this, perhaps we should re-write this oft used phrase.

"Love the sinner, and hate the sin in ourselves!"

or rather,

"Love everyone, and work on the sins in ourselves that get in the way of loving others even more!"

What would that scene have been like if we (I) did this more often? Would we sit down with the woman, listen to her, learn who she is, what happened, and love to even more? Would there have even been a gathering. Perhaps a neighbor would have sat down with her and been a great friend, and the woman would have had the support, understanding and acceptance to see in her own life to deal with her own sins or roadblocks to loving others and herself.

This is really just a reminder to myself. I need to Love everyone, and work on the sins in ourselves that get in the way of loving others even more!

The Sensation of the Presence of God - The Cycle

2010-11-27T14:16:00.000-06:00

This life of the Christian Mystic is something else.

It is sometimes a cycle of moments of inspiration, and the next disappointment, and the next, disillusionment, and the next acceptance, and the next grace, and back to inspiration. The ups and downs of feeling the presence of God in my life.

Other, much better, Christian Mystic writers throughout history have written of such things; but for my own sake, I will try to put into words what happens in my journey.

Times occur, when for no reason, after no triggering event, no sponsoring thought, no revelation on high, I am filled with the spirit (inspired). This sometimes takes the form of a crystal clear thought, or a rekindled passion, or a sudden surge in the love I feel for people or things or causes or events. It sometimes manifests itself as clearer vision (literally from one moment to the next my eyesight improves); a sudden understanding of a phrase, a book, a passage, a verse, a piece of music, or a theological or philosophical argument; an insight into art; a quantum leap in the expression and appreciation of beauty. They have all occurred.

Inspiration sometimes hits like a hurricane; an electrical storm shooting down the spine, a sudden increase in the depth and speed of breathing, a soul arresting moment of clarity. Other times, it is the very softest of gossamer touches; a feeling that seeps into every cell of my body over time; the simple sound of the wind.

These are really the times I live for. Those moments, or stretches of time, where I feel connected to something larger and infinitely more powerful and loving than myself. Like other Christian Mystics, I wish to experience that as much as I can; yet, there is no formula for being inspired. It comes, seemingly, when it chooses to come.

Now, there are things that I know block being inspired. I have found tools that allow me to reduce the influence of these stumbling blocks to inspiration. For such thoughts, I meditatate. For such emotions, I visualize and remember. For such actions, I choose and practice different actions. This is a blog in itself.

However, the fact is, that I am not continually filled with spirit in a sense that I can sense with my senses it's presence. I know I am filled with spirit all the time. But like the sensationalist, or sensualist that I am, I wish to experience it.

When I do not experience it, part of me is disappointed. It is like having a wonderful conversation and finding yourself at the end of it; or like a wonderful hug that is suddenly over. Sometimes it feels deeper than that. A saying of goodbyes in an airport, when you will not know when you will see the other again. These disappointments are based on fear. I know. I have no assurance of the physical experience of the presence of God, the way I wish to sense it, happening again. I know this for the limited faith and understanding of that presence in my life; but, I feel it still.

Sometimes this disappointment turns to disillusionment. Perhaps I didn't sense God at all? My mind has made up the whole thing. My desire to have sensational and unique experiences has made my mind and heart think and feel what is not real. These are some of the thoughts that happen during these times. I rationalize my way out of the sensations of being inspired.

Then comes acceptance. This may sound familiar, like the stages of grief. It is very close. I come to a point where I realize that it should not matter at all whether I sense the presence of God, whether I "feel" inspired according to the criteria I have expected from past experiences. It is enough to know that I am filled with spirit. That every cell, every atom, every thing in creation, from the smallest to the largest, is filled with God's spirit. There is no place that God is not. Therefore, I am never ever separated from God. Therefore, I am never ever devoid of God's spirit. This is enough. This is acceptance.

Then, when I accept, grace happens.

Grace moves me from acceptance to peace. In the moment that I look at and realize my fears of not feeling inspired, I am led to understand that that's ok. Not only that, but that now the burden of seeking after inspiration is no longer there. The weight of grieving over loosing something that has never really been lost is removed from my heart.

And in this place of peace, what happens? Inspiration again. The sensing of the presence of God. Back on the cycle. Back through the stages.

You might ask; why, if you know that inspiration happens when you do not seek for it, when you are at peace, when you are not getting in your own way, do you not just stay in a place of peace and acceptance?

I am working on it. Plus; I recognize that the sensational part of me, at least some part, is too investing or too comfortable with the uncomfortable and turbulent cycle. Sometimes I don't go through this cycle. Sometimes, the spirit (or the sensations of the spirit) hit without the drama. Other times, I choose the drama.

Oh well. Lots yet to work on in my journey.

The Invitation by Oriah

2010-11-10T12:34:00.001-06:00

I wanted to reprint this because it is how I approach people; how I wish to speak with them and interact with them. I want to know people on these levels.

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.

And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com

Resistance to the Better Things

2010-11-03T16:17:00.000-05:00

I resist!

Let's take sleep.

Some nights, I know that turning down the thermostat and piling the blankets usually makes for a better night sleep. Being cold seems to help.
Do I do this? No!

Turning off my music, or my audiobooks, which I usually fall asleep to quite quickly anyhow, sometimes keep me up.
Do I do this? No!

How about turning off all the lights, putting my iphone away (out of the bedroom).
Do I do this? No!

So, what happens is that some nights, I do not sleep well. I have control over all of those things I mentioned above. I could change any of them and probably get a better night sleep. So, I am creating my insomnia.

How about meditation?

Meditation help to relax me. It brings down my blood pressure. I have no headaches when I meditate. Things get easier. The day goes smoother.

I resist a lot when I try to start a session. Things go through my head like how much time will I loose to meditation. Am I missing out on something else by doing this. Why not listen to an audiobook? No.No.No.
When I start though, I know that it was a good choice.

So, why in the world do I ignore, minimize or otherwise rationalize away things that would be beneficial.

Let me not even get into the food issue!   Talk about resistance to the better things for you!

The only thing that makes any sense is that I have the habit, like most people do, of instant gratification.

I get the instant gratification of listening to an interesting audiobook and loose sleep.
I get the instant gratification of thinking what I want to think and how instead of meditating.
I get the instant gratification of that pizza rather than the mizzou soup I should be having.

Resistance is also something that happens because of habits; bad ones that is!

I have the habit of ignoring my own inner voice when something comes up that might provide that gratification.
Sometimes, I know that the alternative to the better things, and better choices isn't that much more gratifying, but the habit remains of choosing the wrong thing.

My resistance also happens due to fear of change. In broad terms, it is a combination of a fear of failing and a fear of succeeding.

What would happen if I really succeeded at mediation? Let's say that I got so good, that I would rather meditate than watch TV, read, go out, watch movies, have fun with others?   What about the fear of becoming one of those people who go out into the desert to find themselves? Whoah!

How about succeeding at sleeping? Does that mean that I have to give up audiobook listening in bed. How about all the thoughts that I go through before falling asleep? Would my bedroom and my bed be only for sleeping. The thing is comfortable! I like reading there. I like listening there. Heck, I like playing guitar there. But being a successful sleeper would be nice!!!

Now the biggie!

What if I became really successful at living life with no fears?

I don't know how to live without my fears. Really, I don't know how to live without my resistance to living. With no fears, there are no excuses. With no fears, success becomes unavoidable. With no fears, no resistance, I accomplish everything on which I think and act!   Scary thought.

Why do we need to share personal histories so soon?

2010-10-23T11:01:00.000-05:00

Why do we need to share personal histories so soon?

Not the personal histories that give a short auto-biographical snapshot of who we are when we are introducing ourselves, but the more intimate histories. The sicknesses, losses, redemptions, great awakenings, major moments in life.

These personal histories are important. However, when and how they are shared really tell a lot about us, with how we use them.

I like deep and significant conversations. Long and meaningful talks are one of my favorite things to do with friends and more than friends.   But, like many, I am impatient to get through the perfunctory small talk and dive into the deep end. Sadly, I also know that I sometimes use my personal history to garner sympathy or attention. This is really something I wish to focus on.

How many of us lead conversations with our personal sob stories? It is like we extend our aches and pains, limitations and laments like some business card when getting to know someone.

We do it because on some level it works. It has the payoff of being able to share our thoughts, but also allows us to share on a level which is socially acceptable, the common denominator of complaining.

It works up to a point.   Complaining is accepted. Common complaints are a way to bridge that communication gap. However, anything more, like tying our complaints to expressions of our needs sometimes gets tricky. No one likes to hang around someone who feels needy. Nor do people like to be shared with too much. There is an unspoken assumption that since you shared with them on a deep level, that you expect them to share deeply with you.

People do not like to feel like they have an obligation to share with you something they would normally not share.

The other components of presenting such histories, is soliciting sympathy. Sometimes we want people to sympathize with our complaints, losses, sob stories.   Again, this is an artificial empathy, a hollow expression of caring that it is a wonder that we don't catch on to the fact we are doing this so often. Yet, the payoff is there. For an instant we think that another person does truly care about us.

No wonder it seems that there are so many walking wounded among us. I do not think it is because most people are broken, but that we have become conditioned to lead with our complaints first, rather than our strengths. Then those that do not feel that they have the emotional support or love in their lives can monopolize on garnering sympathy for their sob stories.

I have found lately, that when I am more ready to listen than talk, to present personal joys than personal sadness, to hold on to my personal history that it is more likely to create or to grow those relationships with friends or more than friends.

Using God as a tool to punish ourselves.

2010-09-30T20:09:00.001-05:00

When we want to feel bad, we do.

I thought about stopping right there, but that would make for a very short blog.

When we want to feel bad, though we may not know it, we do feel bad.

Not enough explanation?   How about:

When we want to feel bad, though we may not know we want to feel bad, and when we also rationalize, deny, and repress our way out of it, we do manage to make ourselves feel bad.

Yah. That's more like it.

Some situations come up where we do something, or think something and feel bad about what we just did. Perhaps you just don't want to go to our relative's house for dinner, but you would rather not tell yourself this. Because, everyone knows that you need to get along with your relatives. Something must be wrong with you if you just don't want to show up, right?

So what do we do?

Suddenly our stomachs don't feel that good, or we just got too tired, or we suddenly have a headache coming on. Any excuse rather than the one that we just don't want to go.

It is funny that many times, when I made these rationalizations, I ended up feeling bad. If I used the excuse, "gosh I'm too tired!" I would realize later that indeed, I was too tired. If I felt a migraine coming on (which I have felt before but one has not developed ) then later a real migraine did come on.

It seemed that whatever rationalization became true, and I felt physically worse. What was happening is that I was punishing myself for feeling that I didn't want to go or do something.

Most of the time, I was unaware that this self-deception and shame was causing these physical problems. The initial lie I told my friends or relatives, and the rationalization so I wouldn't have to know that I lied to them caused me to lie to myself.

Now I want to change the phrase, "When we want to feel bad, we do." to:

When we want to feel that God feels we are bad, we make God in our own image, and thus we feel bad."

First, we don't do something that we feel we should have, but just didn't want to do it. A service project came up with a church I used to belong to. The day of the project, I just didn't want to go. Of course I rationalized this so that I had some excuse. Like always, I found I felt worse for the lie in combination for not doing this than I did if I just told them that I really did not want to come.

But since God was involved, and this was a project for others in the Name of God, then part of me felt like punishing myself. And there is no better punishment to yourself that to make God into the image and tool of your own punishment.

I felt that God felt deeply disappointed in me. This caused me to feel shame. Because I felt shame, I made sure that the next couple of projects for that church, I was there, regardless of how I felt, or how much I didn't want to do it.

This is a small and somewhat insignificant example, but it applies to much larger issues.   I made God into a God of shame.   I used God as a reason to punish myself. In my opinion, this is just as bad as blasphemy. It is misrepresenting God, and using God's image in a manner that it was never meant to be used.

Luckily I have never caused a person so much harm that it affected the rest of their lives. At least I hope not. However, some people feel that they have. Some word, some fight, some struggle caused a permanent separation, or a deep abiding pain in another.    Some may then use that as an excuse for saying that God could not forgive such a thing. Again, this is misrepresenting God and using God as our own tool for punishment.

If we feel that God cannot forgive us, then there is no impetus for us to forgive ourselves. In fact, without this self-forgiveness, there is no motivation to ask another for forgiveness for our actions.   We are stuck. We are stuck feeling shame and guilt, because we feel like we deserve such shame and guilt. We deserve to feel bad, to have a broken relationship.

I have used God as a tool of my own punishment. Too many times to count.

God does not respond to the things I do in the same ways that I respond. God does not want me to feel shame or guilt. Nor does God want me to use God as an excuse to punish myself.

God does not say, "You have sinned. Now feel bad for a long time about it! Only by feeling bad for a long time will you prove to me that you realize that it is a sin, and that you did Bad!"

Plaah-eeeze!

God would rather we make a mistake, realize it for what it is, make amends, make changes, and move on.

Christian Mysticism - Breathing in and Out

2010-09-21T19:55:00.000-05:00

Yes. Another blog on Christian Mysticism.

These ramblings are really an attempt to explain this whole experience to myself. Sometimes I think I am writing to a large audience, but I am really engaging in a voyage of spiritual discovery.

Now on to Mysticism.

Of all the things I have read about Christian Mysticism, there seems to be a common thread that whatever the experience of one's ultimate reality (God, Jesus, etc) it involves a lot of introspection, meditation, contemplation.

For the last 15 months, that is what I have been doing. I try to meditate. I try to spend time with nature. To see the beautiful among the ordinary. To be aware of every sensation in my body, and to dismiss those sensations sometimes, to get to a greater state of relaxation. Daydreams, visions, lucid dreaming, whatever you may call it, cause hundreds of sharp images to come to me when I need them.

When I need to reorient my perceptions away from being self-centered, self-focused, images of sharing, caring, service, loving-kindness are generated, or perceived, or whatever in my mind's eye. It does not take the focus off of myself, but includes others in a cycle of giving, receiving, mutual service, mutual caring that takes place. Humbleness then happens because the picture has become greater than just myself.

Sometimes it is like watching videos of what has happened, or what may happen. If I find my thoughts are dwelling more on depressive, self-defeating thoughts and my emotions are not too far behind, that a video is projected in my mind of singing in front of children, of holding the hand of those that have almost forgotten human touch. Even videos of me dropping a plate and laughing uproariously. Or having a mule sit on me (which actually happened). It also sometimes expands into a vision of people I know who do not laugh, nor smile very much, hearing the best joke of their life, and roaring with unbridled guffaws.

There are surprises too. I can be in the middle of meditating, and emotions just come up, so strong, for no reason at all. Mostly, these are times of joy, love, understanding. Sometimes, they literally bring tears to my eyes.

I have found out that these times of self-introspection, and meditation and times of peace are necessary. I see why so many historical Christian Mystics wrote about them. The mountain-top experiences. They are engaging, sensational (filling the senses); a nice break from reality.

But it is like breathing. If I only spend time with myself, it is like taking a large breath and holding it forever. There is no where for that breath to go, nothing for it to do.

Breathing out; taking the experiences of the self, the recharged, re-centered, renewed me and using it to listen, to laugh, to serve, to love others is absolutely vital for my spiritual life.

Getting back to the Christian element; this sharing of the gifts and talents with others is when the real benefits of that self-introspection really happen. It is, in the walk of the Christian Mystic, the expression of the presence of God.

I have felt the presence; been sheltered by the presence; recharged through the presence' and now I need to express the presence.

Yet, unlike breathing out, I am not getting rid of anything, but adding another dimension to those things given me by God in the first place. It goes from being a two-way practicing the presence to a community practicing the presence.

The visions that recharge me are added to by the visions that recharge others.

The overwhelming feelings of love and understanding, are supplimented, are multiplied by the feelings of others.

Truly, "love your neighbor as yourself," becomes, "love your neighbor to the level, to the furthest expression of how you love yourself!" What happens is that you find in that cycle; the more love you show, the more love you have to show.

"Take up your cross and follow me," becomes, "Be like Christ, your foundation, a perfect loving model, and show it forth!" It is not a burden, but a gift to love others!

How can I feel the presence of God, the glorious experience of the way of Christ, if I do not love outside of myself, as I have been loved inside of myself.

I tell myself to love everywhere that God loves.   This doesn't leave anywhere, anytime out.

The Christian Mystic's journey is never-ending.   There do need to be times of solitude; times of reflection; times of prayer. Then there need to be times of living in community, breathing out, sharing.

The breathing in and out of the presence is truly the breathing in and out of life.

Reality Hits!

2010-09-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

Most of these posts are becoming more Christian oriented. I guess that is because I am feeling closer to my past, have church in my present, and look forward to the future.   I am reliving that honeymoon phase in any belief, where everything is magical and anything is possible.

That has been tested recently. I would admit that reality and me do not really know each other. My head has always been partially in the clouds. I live my own reality.   Though, sometimes that reality is made a little more real by some things. I have to stretch my definitions of faith, understanding, and love to accommodate real people going through real-world events.

I am going to be vague on purpose. There are situations that relate to some readers of this blog, so I am going to change a lot of things, but the essence if still true.

A dear friend of mine has gone through some bitter betrayal by her separated spouse. Bitter betrayal. It is the kind of thing that in my normally optimistic and bold, brave and beautiful friend, caused her to truly question her worth. You could hear in her voice the unasked questions, "There must be something wrong or unworthy with me for someone to treat me that way." It affected her and her daughter. Both had their image of the same man shattered.   Now, I think that both will not trust men in general for some time to come.

How do you speak to such people of your radiant joy, your moments of the pure awareness of God. What points of commonality can you share when the other has gone through such bitterness and self-doubt?

"God loves you!" just doesn't do it.   "It will get better" doesn't touch the hurt. "Not all men are like that!" is just a platitude. It does not address the hurt now, the betrayal now, the shame now, the grief now.

I was angry at this man. I do not get angry easily. It takes a lot. Yet, I got furious at this guy. My peace was shattered for a time by an overwhelming wish that something rotten happen to this guy. I have never harbored such a thought in 20 years. My sense of outrage popped that bubble of reality I had been blowing up. The multi-color rainbows and joy filled life came to an abrupt halt.

Yet, at that moment I took a look at myself, and my thoughts. I allowed this other person's behavior to affect my peace; just as my dear friend was allowing her husband's behavior to wreck her emotional life, hurt her self-image, and severely damage her trust.

That is when I realized that peace isn't the placid and unresisting fugue state of the mind where nothing affects you. I got my peace back when I realized that I choose how people and events will affect me. I choose. Always.

My dear friend did not need someone to share her outrage, but someone to listen, to love, to share with her the fabulous and inestimable qualities that she possesses. I choose to be at peace so that she could have someone with whom to share her emotional journey.   There would be times when she needed someone objective to point out when her thinking and feeling were becoming too self-destructive. She would need someone to be empathetic and understanding. There would be a moment when she needed someone to reassure her of her worth, her value, her self, not with platitudes, but heart felt truths.

There is a time to commiserate. A time to share rage, grief, anger.

There is a time to understand. To truly place yourself in the other person's shoes.

There is a time to be honest.   To point out when thoughts and feelings are doing more damage than they are healing.

There is a time to be real. To live in the clouds, but to understand that sometimes it rains!

A Love Meditation

2010-09-09T19:29:00.000-05:00

Yes, I meditate. Several of these blogs have been about it. The techniques, the times, the practice. This one is one of the content.

I found a way to recharge not my mind, nor even my body, but my heart. It is a meditation of appreciation for the love I have had in my life and the love I have now.

With a background of soothing music, I relax my body, and let my mind remember all the moments of love I have experienced through my life. These are both moments of love I have received and love I have given.

As I remember each experience, I allow myself to feel the feelings. The warmth, or excitement, or comfort, or understanding, or peace, or fun. These layers of emotion I visualize as descending down, like layers of sunlight, soaking into me.   Sometimes, I visualize the really wonderful emotions as slow and sweet syrup, soaking into every part of me. At other emotional memories, it is like a feather light touch which support my entire body; like being nestled in the arms and wings of an angel.

Each memory brings with it it's own unique combination of these feelings. Each reinforces and reassures my heart that if they can happen once, they can happen again. That I even have the capacity to love and be loved so much means that I can be and will be loved and love even more in the future.

For example:

One summer at Camp, I was working on the support staff, and after our duties were done, we usually had the mid afternoons and nights fairly free. I liked quite a few of the staff, and even was a little attracted to the girl who ran the Cocoon (the camp store). But, I really had no intentions to pursue anyone.

I remember one of the female support staff (not the Cocoon girl) asked if she could talk with me in the tree chapel (a very large tree used for devotions, etc.) I followed her out there and she was hemming and hawing and I really did not know what she was trying to say to me, but I just listened. She finally said, "Steve, I think I love you!" I fell off of the tree limb on was on.   This was the first time in my life I ever heard that. I was so shocked! But, I felt wonderful. Really wonderful.   I remember saying that we would see where this goes, but that I did not know her that well, but was more than willing to learn more about her.

While recalling this memory, I felt the same sense of shock and awe that I did then. The same surprise that someone would even think that of me, let alone say it out loud. It was a delicious feeling, and a great addition to my meditation.

There was another situation in High School when I was in band when one of my friends was freaking out because she had not completed her math work, but had band, and then a meeting before her class so that she did not know when she would finish her homework. Because we treated our instrument cubbyholes as lockers, her homework was just there, behind her instrument case. When she left for her meeting, and I was in the band room, I took out her homework and finished it for her and put it back in her folder.

I never heard, nor asked what happened when she went to math class. I still don't know.   However, the feeling of being able to help her out, especially anonymously, was just a great sense of joy for me. I would even say it was love, though back then, I would never have labeled it as such.

I would strongly encourage everyone to try recalling loving moments in your life. It will recharge your heart, and spirit at the least, and give you ideas for how to love and be loved for the future.

Tension

2010-09-07T15:35:00.001-05:00

Tension is a funny thing. Not funny hilarious, but funny in that it is rarely noticeable until it is finally gone.

I knew I was under more stress. More hours of working. You know how it goes. You think you are taking enough time to relax, meditate, reconnect with people, getting enough sleep. However, when you really relax, when I finally relaxed, it was obvious that there had been a knot of tension.

My days are not that long. People have longer days. My hours are not that much. People have longer hours. My job provides more flexibility than any other job I have ever held. Others have more rigid schedules. Even with all of this I engage my day with the same mind-set as I did when I held my most challenging, and my worst job. Perhaps you have a similar way of approaching your job. I just know, it no longer suites me.

I start my job hours before I start my job. Schedules, to do lists, prioritization, all occur the moment I start thinking about the day. The gears of this productivity machine engage and suddenly my mind is task-oriented, time-driven, and self-correcting, after self-reflection and self-criticism.

I have had to schedule times to relax, and apparently, this has not been working.

So what finally allowed me to relax?

I have reading books that talk about getting to a place of peace in silence. To take time out and meditate. To be still and know that God is God. It works, but it is only part of the answer.

This is so shocking to me, because I thought it was the answer. I really did.

It seems that I need people too.

There was a wonderful retreat at a camp at which I once worked. A three day retreat. A retreat that wasn't retreating from my normal everyday, but going toward my best day. The only common component present throughout the entire retreat was spending time with people.

I meditated when I was there. I went into the chapel and played my guitar, sang songs. I looked at the beautiful scenery, the cross on the hill. I sat in silence, early in the morning while sipping coffee. I felt the warm assurance of God. God's presence was there. I was at peace.

I played with children. They entertained my with their stories, songs, funny games, funny voices. I entertained them with stupid human tricks, my stories, my voices, my accents. Suddenly the sense of peace was accompanied by a sense of joy.

I played with adults. This is more difficult for me than with children. I am used to playing with children. However, they had their own stories, songs, funny ways of looking at the world. I found the commonalities with them at the level of experiences, of faith, of shared truths, and shared laughter. The sense of peace and joy was now accompanied by a sense of belonging.

I talked with people. There were moments when it was one on one with a new friend, an old friend, and an old acquaintance who I hope is now a new friend. Stories came forth of similar trials and tribulations, pain and regrets, uncertainty and doubt. Also stories of triumph, reconciliation, faith, repairing burned bridges, healing relationships, healing stories. So now the peace, joy and belonging were blended with a fourth; Love!

After leaving this remarkable retreat, I now have a better way of approaching my life so the tension doesn't build up as fast and as severe as it did.

I know time alone in reflection and renewal is important. It will remain in my life.
I know playing with children brings me joy. I will find ways to include this in my life.
I know that playing with adults gives me a sense of belonging. There will be more times such as this.
I know that talking with people spawns ever greater experiences of love. I will listen, talk and love more.

Today is a perfect example.

I started the day with meditation.
I worked on clients.
I talked with a friend mid-morning.
I worked on clients.
I had lunch with another friend.
I ran into another friend and his new wife at the gas pump and we had a laughter filled 5 minutes.
I worked on clients.
I am writing this blog.

While today is not over, I have yet to "engage' those gears of productivity, yet things have gotten done; and I have a little peace, joy, belonging, and love in my life.

I think it is a good recipe.

You're a What?

2010-08-31T18:18:00.000-05:00

I have shared with a few people that I am a Christian Mystic.   My definition is short and sweet on this. I am passionate about the unseen world of God. I am passionate about experiencing the presence of God in myself and others. Experiential learning is more important to me for my faith than theological or biblical learning.

When I shared with one person, he said, "How can you even put Christianity and Mysticism in the same sentence!" "Mysticism is not Christianity!" He went on to explain how mysticism just doesn't have a place in "real" Christianity; and that he would pray "for" me for illumination.   This basically meant that he would pray that I see the error of my ways and turn toward his beliefs.

I would really like to address both of these kinds of responses to Christian Mysticism. Both fail to understand the perspective, and the deep passion and faith that Christian Mystics have.

Before I get into that though, let me make one thing clear. Being a Christian Mystic doesn't mean that I am holier than anybody. In fact, it is a life of searching, of questions, of changes. There is no point at which I can plant my feet and say, "This is the breath and width and height of my belief!" For as many manifestations of God and God's influence there are in this world, both the seen and unseen, are as many ways that any believer, whether Christian Mystic or not, may walk his or her path. I am only more or less holy than I was yesterday.

The Religious Right and Christian Mysticism
--------------------------------------------

The Religous Right, loosly, are those people who empasize more traditional moral and theological perspectives on the person, mission, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The values that are applauded are good works, faith in the Word of God, the supremacy of the church as a moral entitiy, the Supremacy of Christ, the traditional family as a unit of faith and of the church, and so on.

For the purposes of this discussion, the Religious Right are those that are not yet comfortable with experiences being on the same level as the Word of God or the Church as a point of authority.

For me, my whole faith experience has been just that, experiential. There is a place for the Word of God, for the Church, for a community of believers. They are not the end all be all of my faith though. It is through the dark times of the soul, the overflowing mountain-top experiences and everything in between, that have shaped my relationship with God and God's creation.

I am getting a little passionate about this, because to me, there is a great injustice done when someone says, "but that experience wasn't from God!"   Basically, they are telling me that my experience is not "right," "sound," "good," or "faithful."   It is a slap in the face.   At least, that is what it feels like.

Part of the reason I now call myself a Christian Mystic is that I love hearing about all the experiences of people. I see how God has been a part of their lives. All moments of discovery have that intertwined within. I would sooner rip pages out of one of Shakespeare's plays than to judge someone's experience of God and therefore not include it or give it worth as part of their life story, of the unfolding of God in their book of life.

Yes, I understand that not judging people also means that I failed at this a little when I got upset at my friend's opinion on my declaration of Christian Mysticism. I am working on it.   Truly.   I also love hearing about his experiences with God. They are as valid as any other, and as valuable.

Let me post some good words from the known Christian Mystic and Teacher, LM Richardson.

Jesus said this about what the nature of the spiritual process would be after he had left this world:

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. John 14:26 (New International Version)

The apostle Paul said this: But as it is written, ‘Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.’ But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.” (1 Cor. 2:6-10)

LM Richardson does a much better job than I at what the process and journey of a Christian Mystic entails:

The Holy Spirit does not require that we believe in just the right way for it to reveal its truths or that any of us understand the end before it takes us to the end. As Christians, all that is necessary is that we open our hearts each day so that the Holy Spirit can take us to the deep things of God culminating in the direct experience of the soul’s true nature in God, what the bible calls born again and the earliest Christians called to state of perfection.

Dichotomies - Love and Justice

2010-08-22T14:56:00.000-05:00

When I come across a dichotomy, especially when it has to do with faith, I start this process of struggle.
The struggle is always the same. I know in my mind that the two branches of the dichotomy are both true. Somehow, I need to reconcile them together, or it will always be a gray area of my faith.

For example, the dichotomy of God as a loving God, and God is a Just God.

When I was growing up, and am sure for many people, our first concept of God and what God was like came from our parents.

My mom and dad spend time talking about God. In church when I heard the words "father in Heaven" I immediately pictured God as a father.

My dad had times when he was a very loving dad. I remember the times when he helped launch model rockets with my brother and I. There were times when we went on canoeing expeditions. They were times when we did acrobatics, balancing on his legs, or spun around by our arms and legs in an "airplane" ride. There were times when my brother and I would roughhouse when he was sitting on the La-Z-Boy. We would crawl over him and he would try to push us off and we had a great time. Or at least my brother and I had a great time.

My dad was also just. I mowed a neighbor's yard for 5 dollars, but it had to be done at a particular time. The only time I would get off mowing his lawn as if it was raining outside. One time I got back from summer camp and I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil, because I had a crush on one of the female counselors that was there. I remember feeling this huge vacuum, this huge hole. The last thing I wanted to do the next day was to mow this yard.. My mom was very sympathetic, and understood and didn't mind me skipping that week. My dad, on the other hand, said I had responsibilities. But no matter how I was feeling or what I was going through, I had made a pledge and a promise and had to follow through with them.

In that sense, my dad taught me that Just behavior was less about balancing the scales of justice, and more about keeping your pledges and promises and obligations. And not so much obligations for the fact that your reputation was something that was hard to get easy to lose and yet extremely important to have. Rather, keeping obligations and promises were important because of how you felt about yourself.

I ranted and raved about mowing that day. I thought my dad was being totally unreasonable. And yet, I went out in mode. And when I got back I could look in the near, and I even remember it today, that I had not let my customer down, nor myself.

Proverbs, in the Bible, states it very well. It says there is a time for love, and a time for work. In that same sense, there is a God of love, and the God of just behavior. The God of love, encourages us,... help, and holds us in God's eternal love, and reminds us always that we are part of him, part of his wonderful creation. The God of justice, or just behavior, is not a God of the scales of justice; rather a God of just actions.

So for me, the dichotomy of a God of love, and a God of justice, is not really a dichotomy. As God loves me, wants the best for me, wants to build me up, wants me to see in me the person I wish to be, God knows that it takes not only acts of love but behavior which seeks to be fair to all, to honor yourself and your obligations, to have your "yes" be yes, and you're "no" a no.

A just God, for me, is one who celebrates when I stand fast to behavior which promotes peace, promote understanding, gives the benefit of the doubt, fulfills my word, and his, and always seeks after the justice which brings people together.

One other thing about justice, is that it is not a response to those things which are unjust. It is rather a pattern of behavior, from this point onward, which seeks to honor the greatness, the truth, the love, and God in everyone around you.

God is not a vengeful God, but God is just.

God is a just God, and in that way.fulfills his role as a loving God.

Be Happy

2010-08-18T19:09:00.000-05:00

Be Happy!

Well, I know that this is my goal. It has always been my goal. I want to be happy. Don't we all?

When growing up, I was happy, for the most part. I remember riding my bike up and down the culdusacs of Rochester MN when I was in second and third grade. I would laugh, sing, yell. It was great.

Did I accomplish anything with all this riding around? Not really. I just had fun doing it. (Well, I did ride by a girl's house that I liked, and sang songs while going in and out of her driveway, until her dad told me to stop coming around one night. I still came around during the day.)

There were the expeditions to the rock shop. My dad would take my brother and I, and we would look at all the crystals, geodes, rock collections, etc. We would pick out a few tumbled rocks, and a few mineral specimens to put in our collections.

We shot off model rockets. Dad and my brother and I would spend hours building them, getting engines, setting up the launching platforms, and away they went. There was a thrill when one would take off. We never knew if the parachute would open, never knew if the rocket would survive.

Later, I was happy when I went to summer camp as a camper. Everything was an adventure. Hikes, swims, camping out. It was all exciting.

Be Happy?

Now, I really wonder what it would take to be as happy as I was when I was growing up. Would it take going back to my childhood, and riding a bike, building a rocket, being a camper? Or do all these things have something in common, some shared elements that lead me to be happy?

The Familiar vs. the Unfamiliar

Sometimes, I found that it was the familiar, the often repeated activity in which I was happy. Everytime I have ever played pool, I was happy. It didn't matter who I played against, or whether I won or lost. I loved playing pool. I was happy playing with the same set of friends over and over again. I was happy going to the same town, in the same cabins, doing the same activities on holidays.

I was also happy when new situations and new activities came up. Repelling, scuba diving, archery, a talk with a stranger, laser-tag, driving to places I had never been. All these captured my attention because they were new and exciting.

Likes vs. Dislikes

Absolutely, I was happy doing things I liked. This goes without saying. I like summer camp. I was happy doing it. I liked making homemade ice cream. I was happy doing it.

I was involved in building a rope suspension bridge once. I hated it. It was hot, and rainy, and as fast as we strung the ropes, they tightened up in the rain. Everyone left us and went back to the campsite, but three of us. We persevered! I was so tired, so wet, so miserable. Yet, the next day, I looked back on it and was happy. Would I do it again. No. But I was happy to do it once.

Getting Things Done vs. Doing Nothing.

Sometimes, I would be happy because I accomplished something. I was happy when I paid off my student loans. I was happy when I got a house. I was happy when I got a girlfriend. Somedays, I am happy when I get through work. Yeah weekend!!!

I sometime do nothing, get nothing done, accomplish nothing. These are great days too. I am happy driving nowhere. I am happy laying down and just letting my mind wander. Happiness comes when I am sitting down and watching TV. Happiness happens when I haven't achieved a single goal for the day.

So what does this boil down to?

Comparisons

Happiness is linked to the comparisons I make. If you're always comparing what you have to the holdings of those who have more, you'll feel lacking; if you compare yourself to those less fortunate, you'll have a sense of abundance. Being grateful for what you have can definitely promote happiness, and it can also relieve stress. If you focus on how things could be better, how things should be better, you will likely have a much more intense experience of unhappiness.

Relationships

Happiness has oftentimes involved investing in close relationships with friends and family. I tend to be happy when I am working on or engaging in activities with others. Close friends and family can share in your joy and help you during rougher times. They offer a supportive ear when you need one, or practical support when you need a helping hand. They also offer me a chance to be supportive for them.

And Several Other Things

Here's a list of several other factors that play into happiness. The following is a list of the 16 different features that may promote happiness.

I could spend time on each of these; that would be an accomplishment, but I am happy nonetheless.

Health
Self-Esteem
Goals, Values and Spiritual Life
Money
Work
Play
Learning
Creativity
Helping
Love
Friends
Children
Relatives
Home
Neighborhood
Community

The most important thing though, is that being happy is a choice. It really doesn't matter the characteristics of a situation, an action, an activity. It is a choice to be happy regardless. I just have to remind myself, trick myself, that this is truly true.

Unfinished Story - Repudi-Logic

2010-08-06T13:13:00.001-05:00

I decided to put forth some of the one or two page stories that I wrote years ago, and never finished.   Perhaps, you can give me some ideas as to how to continue them, or you may want to use them as a start to your own stories.   Feel free.

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Unfinished Story - Repudi-Logic
-----------------------------------------------.

It was a great day. The sun overhead was shining, casting the red-blue shadows that Cornesk liked so much. The fields of wheat were swaying with the wind. Even the repudi were making their soothing crackling sounds.

“How could life get any better,” thought Cornesk.

The afternoon had been a little warm for him. Sometimes it reached 45 degrees Celsius but the evenings, like this one, were perfect. Not that a guy didn’t have to get used to the continuous light, but those were small matters. Hampton was the planet for him.

A small repudi snaked around Cornesk’s ankle making a chattering sound like oatmeal funneled through an aluminum foil tube.

“Well hello. Come to play did you?

Ever since the first expedition landed on Hampton the settlers found the one indigenous land animal both frightening in appearance and playful in action. The Repudi was like a cross between a dwarf alligator and a python dipped in breakfast cereal.   The outer skin was a mixture of organic glues and pebbles, grass, sand, or whatever the little creatures rolled around in that day. It made a great covering for their tender skin and made for good camouflage.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have any sandpaper with me.”

Children discovered one day that the only think the Repudi liked better than eating was trying to cover themselves with sandpaper. Some child thought that it would be a good joke to glue a piece to a board and watch the Repudi try to take it. However, the Repudi seemed to enjoy rolling over the same piece of sandpaper trying to pick it up on their backs. Now whenever someone came along a Repudi it would make it’s sound and demand that they be given a sandpaper block.

In fact, sandpaper blocks were the only way that the scientists could coax a Repudi to the lab so they could take a sample or the organic glue they used. It was some marvelous stuff. The Repudi not only secreted this wonder glue but could neutralize it with another enzyme from their bodies when they wished to shed their “coat”.

So far there were hundreds of applications for it. Many of the houses were effectively wind and water proof because of a good coating of the glue. Since the mining operations couldn’t keep up with the demand for metal nails, planks were glued together. The stuff was amazing. Even the weavers started using it to glue several lengths of cloth together to make sails for the few small ships that were built.

Hampton was a class IV agricultural world that allowed use of indigenous building materials and enforced population growth.   The Grand Council had found that if settlers used indigenous materials but had no growth controls that the planet started looking like old earth after a couple of hundred years. The forests would be gone, the atmosphere poisoned, the seas contaminated. It seemed that it was either use synthetic materials with no population growth or indigenous materials with controlled growth.

So far Hampton was unique in that the average population growth had never exceeded the parameters laid down by the Council. Not one pregnancy had to be aborted, nor one “eighty” euthanized. There were even jokes made that Hampton itself was exerting some control over the settlers so that not too many people were born and not too many died.

Now where had Cornesk’s mind gone. Here the Repudi had not only wrapped itself around his trouser leg but it was stuck there!! And good.

“Okay boy. Now let go. I need to get going!” Cornesk admonished the Repudi.

The repudi closed itself tighter around his leg, burying it’s tiny fangs into his shin.

“That’s it!”

Cornesk took an enzyme spray out of his pocket and let the Repudi have it. In second the Repudi came loose along with its covering or rock and grass. It slithered away with astonishing speed.

“Now what got into that beast,” though Cornesk. “I never heard of one of the Repudi biting anyone. “Cornesk hurried to the Medistead, the one designated medical house in the colony.

The Medistead was not only the first building built but the original family that lived there had changed their last name to Medistead. Right now the younger daughter was the current meditech.

“Rachael must be in her forties by now,” thought Cornesk. “Still a fine looking woman I must say! Not that she would ever like an old bloak like me, but I might be great for a one night stand.”

Just then Cornesk’s ankle twisted in the underbrush and his body pitched forward, hitting the ground with a whoosh of air.

“Son of a …”

“Hey, are you all right?” said a concerned female voice.

Cornesk looked up and found himself looking at Rachael bending over him, a puzzled expression on her face.

“Oh yeah. I just tripped over some damn thing. And one of those little beast bit me in the ankle back in the meadow.”

“What! I never heard of the Repudi biting anyone.”

“Well you have now!”

Rachael reached down and gave Cornesk a hand up. When he put weight back on his ankle it was like a hot butcher’s knife digging into his flesh.

“Whoah! Wait a minute while I get some splints from my house,” Rachael said.

Cornesk tried to get up again but the pain was just too much.

“Stop it! You stay right where you are and don’t move until I get back!” Rachael said.

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Enjoy.

A Teacher's Story

2010-07-30T16:13:00.000-05:00

I would like to repost this story. Some of you may have heard it many times before. However, it is one of the best stories I have ever heard about teaching.

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A Teacher's Story

There is a story many years ago of an elementary teacher.
Her name was Mrs. Thompson.
And as she stood in front of her 5th grade
class on the very first day of school, she told
the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her
students and said that she loved them all the same. But that
was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in
his seat, was a little boy named Teddy.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed
that he didn't play well with the other children, that his
clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath.
And Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where
Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his
papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting
a big "F" at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught,
she was required to review each child's past records
and she put Teddy's off until last.
However, when she reviewed his file,
she was in for a surprise.

Teddy's first grade teacher wrote,
"Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh.
He does his work neatly and has good
manners...he is a joy to be around."

His second grade teacher wrote,
"Teddy is an excellent student,
well-liked by his classmates, but he is troubled
because his mother has a terminal illness and life
at home must be a struggle."

His third grade teacher wrote,
"His mother's death has been hard on him.
He tries to do his best but his father doesn't
show much interest and his home life will soon affect
him if some steps aren't taken."

Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote,
"Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school.
He doesn't have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class."

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was
ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students
brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons
and bright paper, except for Teddy's.
His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy,
brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle
of the other presents. Some of the children started to
laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the
stones missing and a bottle that was one quarter full of perfume.
She stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed
how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some
of the perfume on her wrist.

Teddy stayed after school that day just long
enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you
smelled just like my Mom used to."
After the children left she cried for at least an hour.

On that very day, she quit teaching
reading, and writing, and arithmetic.
Instead, she began to teach children.

Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy.
As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive.
The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded.
By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest
children in the the class and, despite her lie that she would love
all the children same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets."

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy,
telling her that she was still the best teacher he
ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy.
He then wrote that he had finished high school,
second in his class, and she was still the best teacher
he ever had in his whole life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while
things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school,
had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college
with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was
still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came.
This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree,
he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she
was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now
his name was a little longer. The letter was signed,
Theodore F. Stollard, M.D.

The story doesn't end there.
You see, there was yet another letter that spring.
Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married.
He explained that his father had died a couple
of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might
agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually
reserved for the mother of the groom.

Of course, Mrs. Thompson, did. And guess what?
She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing.
And she made sure she was wearing the perfume
that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last
Christmas together.

They hugged each other,
and Teddy whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear,
"Thank you, Mrs. Thompson, for believing in me.
Thank you so much for making me feel important
and showing me that I could make
a difference."

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back.
She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong.
You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference.
I didn't know how to teach until I met you."

The Power of the Written Word.

2010-07-25T19:38:00.000-05:00

The Power of the Written Word.

It used to be that correspondence was the only form of long-distance communication of any length. Over 3000 years the little marks made on paper had meaning and power. Historically, writing was used by governments, religious leaders, philosophers and other wise "men." The rulers of any civilization knew that to have the power to write, and to read, meant that you had the power to influence, inspire, create, infuse, en-passion, entrall, convert, confuse, and educate. Therefore, most rulers made sure that those in power were the only ones who had the skill to read and write.

The earliest writing was almost certainly religious in nature. Words stood for the many aspects and beliefs about creation. The word became more than the word; it became THE WORD. There was so much power in some words that they were written down only once, and buried or burned thereafter. To look upon even the written symbol for such a word was forbidden. In the land of UR, and the culture of the Sumerians, words were the magic of life; instructions in how to bring into existence what was needed to survive. Truly, the word was THE WORD.

In other cultures, the standard oral tradition gave way to written commandments, proclamations, instructions, rules, and laws. The campfire stories, myths and legends were frozen in their telling by words. Multi-generational cultures became possible, more so, because of words. The teachings could be passed down now, with more accuracy to greater numbers of people. Such works were revered, as they are even today. (The Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence, the Code of Hammurabi.)

The ancient alchemists used written words as sources of power, in their incantations. The makers of shields, swords, armor, and other forms of physical protection wove words of power into their works. The Heraldry of nobles almost always included a family motto, phrase, word, or passage. For many families, it became a generational rallying cry and mission. It raised kingdoms and sometimes tore them down.

In late antique Babylonia (third–seventh centuries A.D.), for example, countless ceramic bowls were inscribed with prayers, curses and healing rituals written in the Jewish-Aramaic script. The spiraling, cramped inscriptions of the bowls often encircled drawings of bound demons and other evil spirits. Writing, even in this late period, was still invested with the power to bring prayers and curses to life.

Words were used by many to protect, guard, warn and punish. Curse inscriptions often protected tombs, monuments, graves, burial grounds, and other places for the dead. A name could be written down on a piece of parchment, as a signal for that person to be killed. Secret societies used the written word, hidden in codecs, to enforce the judgment or law of those societies.

Words also meant the difference between life and death.

In ancient Israel, the simple act of erasing an author’s name was tantamount to wiping out a person’s very life. Judaism and Christianity use the imagery of the Book of Life. The Book of Life is the tome in which the names of every person who was created are recorded. In Ezekiel 4, where one of the six heavenly envoys "who had the scribe's inkhorn upon his loins" is told to mark the righteous for life, while the remainder of the inhabitants of Jerusalem are doomed. The Psalmist likewise speaks of the Book of Life in which only the names of the righteous are written "and from which the unrighteous are blotted out". Even the tears of men are recorded in this Book of God. "Every one that shall be found written in the book . . . shall awake to everlasting life".

A deep and personal and basic need is fulfilled in the written word. Famous works of literature were born out of the need to record, to bear witness to, to describe reality as it was experienced by the writers throughout history.

For many, it was their only outlet, their only way to express themselves. Remember the works that came from such prisoners as Martin Luther King, Don Quixote, Paul (of the early Christian Church), Mahatma Gandhi, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Ezra Pound, and Nelson Mandela.

Words on a page show us the moment and time, the vision and belief of the author at the time of that writing. Diaries, letters and other correspondence have helped to fill in the lives of John Adams, Abraham Lincoln, Julius Caesar, Martin Luther, Anne Frank, Albert Einstein, and many others.

Words have power. This really is the last word!

Mysticism - Weaving Understanding

2010-07-20T19:03:00.000-05:00

What happens when you try to explain experiences that are mystical?

I have grown up, steeped in logic and reason; yet there are things that happened to me that were not logical and nor reasonable. They had no facts attached. At the time, I did not have the language to describe them. Therefore, I used what language I had. The problem is, that when you explain something in words that do not describe it, the memory or experience looses some of it's detail and import. Instead of illuminating the experience, the language has made it a dim reflection of the actual event. Then when I tried to explain it to others, they were even more in the dark than I was.

For example, I always knew of the presence of God in my life.   However, I only had the language I learned in church to explain this. Many conversations were like the following:

"Hey pastor John, I know that God is in this church!"

"Yes, he is!"
(Yah, but Pastor John; that is not what I mean!)

"That solo was great. I really felt it all over!"
"Yes, she sang well!"
(Frustration. Again not what I meant!)

I learned over time that if I wanted to feel understood, I would have to weave a story, a background before commenting on my spiritual experiences. I had to pull the audience in, and enchant them in a way, get them into the mindset of the mystical before I felt they would understand.

So, how do you get someone into the Mystical frame of mind?

First, I appeal to their senses. This is really because all of my experiences can be related to one of the five senses, and possibly more.

I had a wonderful experience looking at a tree. (Stay with me!)

The morning sun was just peering over the horizon; casting light and shadow into the branches of this old, majestic oak tree.   Where the yellow light hit the bark, a thousand fissures, the patterns of many ridges and valleys were thrown into stark contrast. The branches and leaves were surrounded with a glow from the sun's back-light. Each branch was like a child of the tree; growing out of the trunk. Yet, each branch was unique. They grew; finding their own place in the sun. No branch was ever so greedy for light, that it blocked out its brother branch. The leaves were as the children of the branches. They grew from the same source, but lived in the sun, unprotected by the dense bark of their parents. They reveled in the wind, rain, and light, without the protection of the rest of the tree. Yet, in this image was the realization that the wind, rain, light, sun, seasons were only to be truly experienced as the naked leaf does. The core needs protection; it needs deep roots. The branches of our lives need the core as a foundation, a growing place, a source. The leaves need to be free to breathe, to rustle, and even to fall if the rest of the tree is to live.

In one moment of illumination I saw my life and the lives of all as that tree. It became a symbol, a living representation of life.

This happened in about 10 seconds and took me the last 15 minutes to put into words. It was a mystical experience, because 90% of it is still unexplainable. The feelings and perceptions are still impossible to put into words.

The Long Road.....And the Deluded Camp Counselor

2010-07-14T17:07:00.000-05:00

The burden was just too much....

It started out as a simple Bible Study at a summer camp. The children were not listening. Even my thought-provoking and open-ended questions seemed to have no effect. They were BORED, and not the least hesitant to show it. These were the same children who, an hour before, were hooting and hollering at breakfast. You could not calm them down. Now, blank faces, empty stares, not a peep.

Looking around, I saw the large cross that was at the campfire site. It was made out of 6-8" logs, tied and bolted together to form a cross some 8 feet high and 4 foot across. It was made to be removable, used for processions, etc. An idea started forming. (Now keep in mind that many of my ideas are just not very good or wise ones....you'll see what I mean later in the story!)

A cross; talking about the walk toward Golgotha. Add them together and I finally had something I could try.

So, I summed up the stuff I was talking about, went over and picked up this cross and hoisted it on my shoulder. I remember thinking that this thing was a bit heavy, and a bit uncomfortable. (I mean, I can carry the cross just like everyone else, just don't make it too difficult God!)

I started walking with this thing of logs on my shoulders. My intention was to only walk to the edge of the field (some 350 yards) and then stop and talk with them about it. No so!   I got to the edge of the field, and the kids were goofing off and just being kids. So...here I go a bit further carrying this thing.

Before I knew it, I was at the entrance to the camp.   This was the stopping point, right? I was sweating and getting mighty uncomfortable. The logs were sawing a groove in my shoulder at this point.   Yet, I looked at the kids and saw that they thought this was great fun, watching their camp counselor carrying this thing around. They just didn't get the point. (Actually, it was I that wasn't getting the point, as you will see.)

Out the entrance of the camp, onto hard road-top. I thought that the many bumps and dips in the field were bad, but the road gave a continuous vibration through the logs. This was worse than the occational nudge or dip. This was like being massaged with a splintered tree, but not so comfortable. I had to start switching shoulders fairly frequently.   My legs told my brain that in no uncertain terms, this punishment would have to stop soon. My arms were not too far behind.

So here the intrepid (stupid) camp counselor and his motley bunch of campers (oh ya, a pastor was there with us too.) were going up and down on a road that led further and further away from the camp.

I knew there was a cemetary where we would sometimes bring the kids to do Bible Study, but that sucker was a good 1 1/2 miles on this hilly and unforgiving road. Surely, one of the kids would get it, and say, with humilty and a deep appreciation for the moment, "No Steve, let me take that cross from you and carry it for a while!"   Ha! No such thing. I was determined that I would rather kill myself slowly than tell them that they should offer to take the cross from me. (Yes, I was deluded.)

After about 1/2 mile, up a hill and down one, my arms and legs were very sore. However, the pain of the cross on my shoulder far surpassed these small pains. When I switched shoulders, I would touch the place where the log was and almost expected to see blood seep through my t-shirt. It was raw. It was hurting. (Come on Guys, someone take this cross from me, or tell me to stop!)

Another 1/2 mile and my eyes could no longer focus correctly. Everything was kind of blurred. My nose was not constantly running. Lines of snot were forming down my face, and a persistent need to sniffle accompanied me.

I had to start focusing on each step at that point. When you are walking there is a transfer of balance between one foot and the other. Usually it is automatic. However, each time I took pressure off my back foot, I felt a tinge of uncertainty, of lack of balance, and the real possibility of falling with this heavy cross on top of me. Soon, nothing existed outside of me, except for the motion, balance, feeling of each step being placed in front of the other.

Very quickly, the sight of my own feet blurred too. Now, I had to go by feel alone. I couldn't focus on the road. I didn't know if I was stepping on road, on gravel, on whatever. I tried to raise my head up, and found my shoulder muscles had locked with my head in the down position. My mind was disengaged though. I didn't think anything about it at this point. Just an observation. "Gosh, I can't move my head up. Isn't that interesting?"

The last hill before the cemetery came up. Twinges and what felt like electric shocks went through my shoulders and arm now. Things in my skeleton felt like they were shifting in ways that they were not meant to shift. Even my hearing started playing tricks on me now. Sounds would be clear, then suddenly sound like they were underwater or distant, then clear up again. There was also an edge of blackness at the very corner of my vision, streaked with afterimages and exploding phosphors.

I have a fairly good memory, but the next part I had to piece together from the pastor and some of the campers. I really don't have a memory until I woke up later....

Apparently, this procession arrived at the cemetery, or right outside of it, before I collapsed. The pastor told me later that there was a groan, and I went down. Then, a couple of the campers took the cross off of me (though they could have done this long before I collapsed!) and I was partially dragged into the cemetary and put on a concrete bench.

I remember finding myself on that bench. I was crying. It couldn't be helped. There was just a great sense of relief that I didn't have to carry that ******* cross anymore. Things like words, and making sense with them, weren't available to me yet. Luckily, the pastor jumped in and started talking about the walk to Gogotha, what Jesus went through, etc. I didn't catch most of it. I was still trying to find meaning in concepts like breathing, sitting, seeing and hearing again. I know at some point that I gave my 2 cents worth into the conversation, but I have not idea what I said.

Somehow, word got back to camp that I was doing this stupid thing, and one of the maintenance trucks pulled in and I got a ride back to the camp, the cross in the back of the truck.

The aftermath:

The kids didn't get the point.   I didn't get the point that the kids wouldn't get the point. Subtlety is lost on Junior High kids. Wisdom is lost on a (this) camp counselor.

After laying down in the staff cabin for about two hours, the director called me into his office. He asked me to explain the reasoning behind carrying a cross, out of the camp, to the cemetary, taking more time in Bible Study that the campers had (they were very late for lunch), and putting a counselor (me) out of commission for an afternoon (which had to be covered by other staff!)

I thought about it, and tried to explain my reasoning, only then realizing that that reasoning was faulty. He had good points, and I had no points. After telling me to never, ever, ever do that again, or else...I was let go to sleep some more before dinner.

The next day, the kids paid more attention during Bible Study. It was nothing that I did to change that. I knew later that the pastor asked them to pay more attention and to be more involved.

The pastor did thank me for a wonderful week (though I have no idea if that extra twinkle in his eyes was because he had witnessed a grown man make a fool of himself to make a stupid point in Bible Study, or not.

The moral is: don't carry a cross just to make a point!

A Spiritual Adjustment

2010-07-10T12:35:00.000-05:00

I have gone to a chiropractor for years.

You know what happens. You lay down, and the doctor starts applying pressure in the strangest places. You hear and feel internal adjustments happening. Pops, cracks, joints moving, the breaking sound of the chiropractic table, giving way. You know something is happening, but are a little worried that these sounds sound more dire than healthy. At the end, you stand up straight and feel a bit taller, a bit more inline than when you came in.

Another rule of thumb is that the longer you wait between adjustments, the more pops, clicks, cracks, and bangs seem to happen. More pressure is required to adjust; more techniques to align the spine are used, just because we skipped a couple of appointments!

What about spiritual adjustments?

I know that I have had several that the cracks and pops were loud and painful. In readjusting my spirit, the more out of alignment I am, the greater the time, effort, and change is required to get inline again.

The first thing is that, like the chiropractor, God has to get me to lay down, to stop, to hold still. Now God can do anything, but I have to be at the point that I actually am still, quiet, at rest, at peace. This is the tricky part. Yet, when I am in this state, alignment can begin.

Much like at the doctor's office, I am told or shown that my parts don't quiet work together correctly. One thing is stronger, longer, shorter than the other and they just are not getting along. This is sometimes a shock.

"Really, my left leg is longer than my right? No one told me!"
"My lower spine is not supported!"

Yet, when these facts are presented to me about my spiritual life, they hold no less astonishment, denial, repression, nor ignorance on my part.

"My ego is how big?"
"I want to be comfortable more than I want to be happy?"
"I try to please people more than I try to be loving to them? No, that's not me!!!"

Then come the adjustments.

Trust me; deflating the ego is always a painful process. It involves a re-adjustment of how I see myself, and how I wish to be in relation to my family, friends, church, community, nation and world.

Living life to the fullest also is quite a process. I know that my living takes place on the razor's edge of discomfort. Being uncomfortable means that things need to change. Yet, I love comfort. I like not changing. So, sometimes pressure needs to be applied to shift how I approach life. The crack and pain in the neck is sometimes the only way to be able to turn my head and go in a different direction.

What is really nice is that if I go through these adjustments often, it only takes a tap, a small shift, a brief push to get me back into alignment. Sometimes, a word, a smile, a story, a movie is enough for my spirit to align with God again.

I guess my whole life is really a quest to become better adjusted.

What Is A Christian Mystic?

2010-07-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

What Is A Christian Mystic?

So, what is a mystic? A mystic, quite simply, is a lover of God who pursues the beloved actively and deeply.

In fact, a mystic is a person who feels the presence of the Mystery to the core and when that presence is not felt feels as keen and painful a loss as a lover whose mate is somewhere across the world.

To travel in the world of the Christian mystic, one must discard concepts such as ego, pride and spiritual materialism in favor of adopting a sense of humility and hopeful expectation.

It is to begin a great and stirring adventure that moves the soul from this life to the next. To quote Ursula King,

"The story of the Christian mystics is one of an all-consuming, passionate love affair between human beings and God. It speaks of the yearning, a burning desire for the contemplation and presence of the divine below area mystics seek participation in divine life, communion and union with God. This yearning is candle by the fire of divine love itself, which moves the mystics in their search and leads him, often arduous journeys, to discover and proclaimed the all-encompassing love of God for humankind."

One of the hallmarks of a mystic is her or his ability to inspire and transform others by their very lives, deeds and words. In reality, the Christian Mystic is simply returning to the very essence of the Christian experience at its earliest stage.

Jesus spent his life pointing beyond himself toward the loving presence which he called "Abba", which doesn't mean Father as the strict, judgmental figure of the past, but as a loving term, the nearest of which we have in English is "Daddy" or "Poppa" as a term of closeness and endearment.

Indeed, Jesus' message that the Presence was not out there somewhere, giving some sort of cosmic report card on his subjects. That Presence, according to Jesus, is here, now, available to all without restriction or need of intermediary. It is a realization and a teaching, revolutionary, that reaches across time. Not only did he spend his life demonstrating that, it was this very teaching that cost him his life.

With all this in mind, what is the most basic understanding of what it is to be a Christian Mystic?

For that, we can search in a variety of places. First, in the tradition of the teachings of Jesus can be found within the changes and interpolations of the New Testament. Secondly, within the great body of spiritual writings by such figures as St. John of the Cross, Meister Eckhart, Theresa of Avila, Thomas A Kempis, George Fox and others from Protestant and Catholic and Orthodox backgrounds. Third, there are contemporary Christians from a variety of denominations and backgrounds to explore. Finally, and above all things, there is the personal experience, guided by the authentic words of Jesus and the writings of those who followed.

All of these sources exist as road maps, guide posts, ways to check ourselves as we make the journey of the Christian mystic. We should be thankful that others have blazed a trail before us, a the journey is based upon our own yearnings coupled with the mysterious grace of God.

For now, it is enough to understand that a "Christian" mystic is a person who finds the teachings, life and event of Jesus of Nazareth to present, for them, the clearest way to grow into a spiritual relationship with God. This is certainly not to make a claim that God's Presence is based on nationalism or accident of birth in this world in this or that region. Put simply, God speaks to the "many flocks" Jesus spoke of in a language and a way they can understand.

What a Christian Mystic is suggesting is that in the midst different cultures and approaches, the symbols within our particular culture provides the tools necessary they find to make this journey. The Dalai Lama, when asked about converting from this religion to that, states clearly it is in one's best interest to remain within the familiar territory of their own upbringing, culture and understanding.

Briefly, it would be misleading to simply assume that the Christ Path is easy. To embrace the mystic tradition within Christianity as a Christian is to invite misunderstanding, abuse, and, to a great extent, persecution. Yet, no journey is without difficulty and, in this case, one has the encouragement of Paul, who stated, "Not I, but Christ who lives in me."

Ponder, then, these basic starting points:

What you see is not all there is to life.

There is that which is uncreated, which pervades everything, but remains outside the reach of human knowledge and understanding. This can be called "The Myster."

The intellect can entertain the concept of God, but not grasp God.

God cannot be reached by logic or captured by thought. Instead, one can only approach by love steeped in humble expectation of God's grace.

The Christian mystic is not known by his or her words, but by deeds and actions.

The qualities that mark the Christian mystic include devotion, being humble and without spiritual pride, refraining from judgment of his or her brother or sister and trusting that God speaks to the heart of each person in a way of God's choosing.

A Christian mystic is transformed and transforming.

According to the great mystics of Christianity, the transformation is a continual, ongoing process, an unfolding of the soul. It is not accomplished in one step, as in "being saved" after which a person can sit back and pronounce judgments on others. One's "work" has only just begun. It continues in humble service to those in need, in constant prayer and in the realization of God's Presence..

A Christian mystic seeks an experiential closeness to that Presence. A check-list of beliefs is certainly not enough to know God..

-Brian Robertson

Listen to People's Stories

2010-07-01T20:04:00.000-05:00

They are attentive...They look into your eyes...you are the only focus of their time....they wait patiently....no judging...no prejudices against you....just accepting and receptive to what you have to say!

People so need to tell the stories within them.   There is a fundamental need to feel like we are important enough for others to listen to us. We have hopes and dreams, comedies and dramas and tragedies all inside that we need to share with others.

Why do we share our stories? What good does it do us?

Sharing our stories tells other people about where we came from and where we are going.

My grandfather used to spend hours talking about his life during The Depression. He held so many jobs, including handy-man, roller-skate rink manager, coal miner, gold prospector, construction worker, brick-layer, that it is hard to recall all of them.

In the telling of these stories I learned about perseverance, and endurance. I learned about the hope he had, the motivation to survive, to earn money, even during the worst of times. From these stories, he showed me what kind of life he had and how he faced it. I could see that he would face future challenges just like he had faced the ones in the past.

Sharing our stories tells ourselves who we are and who we may be in the future.

When I get to tell my stories to people, I listen back and find that I discover things about myself that I never knew before. The stories of summer camp; being a camper, a staff and finally program director, are ones that revealed that when I focus on other people, that is when my gifts and talents, my patience and love are the strongest. Looking at my future, I know that being of some service to others is where I will rediscover myself.

Sometimes our stories reveal to us areas where we need to grow. We can share our stories of failure or tragedy and learn from them. Then in the future, we can choose to do something else, to take another path. Thus, we learn wisdom from our own stories.

Sharing our stories allows other people to feel comfortable sharing their stories with us.

It is a strange thing that what we put out we get back. If we are open and honest with others; sharing with them our stories, then they are much more likely to be open and honest with us.   Not always, but often.

There are times when I meet someone so very open that my only response to them is to be more open.   They are taking a risk in sharing who they are with me. I begin to feel more comfortable sharing that with them.

Sharing our stories creates bonds.

There is an effort underway, sponsored by the Smithsonian Institute, to capture all the stories of the soldiers still alive from the World Wars, Korea and Vietnam. Many of these people who have shared and helped to fill this audible archive, have left for contemporary soldiers, a reminder and a source of those that have gone before. There are many stories of soldiers listening to these older stories, and finding solace in them. What they have gone through or what they are going through, others have experienced similar lives.

The whole point of the Oral Tradition for passing down cultural and historical information is that it creates a bond from the old to the young, from what was to what is; and keeps traditions, beliefs, and values alive.

Sharing our stories heals.

We are not passing down information only when we tell stories.   We are often caught back up in the emotion, the thinking, the spirit of the moment that story occurred. Sometimes, we can get to a point of having a cathartic moment; a clearing of our emotional landscape. Other times, our emotion sparks similar emotions in others.

Stories of cancer survivors can inspire because they communicate one simple thing: Hope.

Stories of the underdogs, finally triumphing, can inspire others to persevere. These stories share the power of redemption. We can all identify with the underdog and be inspired that anything is possible.

Stories of love have inspired us to love even greater. Whenever we hear of the power of love, the lengths to which people have gone to share it, the self-sacrifice, the glory, the chaos, everything, we see something for which to strive, to participate in, to show forth to others.

Take time to listen to people's stories.   Make it a priority!

Masks - Hiding Behind Them

2010-06-22T14:55:00.000-05:00

What is it about the masks we wear, the defenses we put up, that makes it so difficult to get to know anybody. How do these things get in place? Do we take some unknown class to learn how to choose and use these things?

I would like to give a couple of examples of the masks that I know that I wear sometimes.

The Mask of "I've Got It All Together" or "I'm in Control!"

It's so easy to put this mask on, and then forget you are wearing it. We want to look to the outside world as if everything is fine, we've got it all handled, no problems, thank you very much.
This one weighs alot, and is very heavy to carry around. Even worse, it makes it very hard to ask for help, which leads to the next mask.............

The Mask of "I Don't Need Anyone"

There is a pervasive notion that to be a "Rugged Individualist" is to be strong, successful, respected. While this concept is very American, it is so impossible to do. It's good to stand on your own two feet, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, but, when taken to an extreme, it can be very isolating. While being independent is a worthy goal, we all need someone to lean on. The curious thing is, most people really like to help when asked.

The Mask of Perfectionism

Another very seductive mask because it makes us look so good. Too bad it's not only false, it's also not attainable. So many people strive for perfection as a way to feel good about themselves. A good move here is to trade in perfectionism for excellence, which is attainable, and a whole lot more fun.

The Mask of Busy-ness

Somehow, busy-ness has become associated with importance. If we are always busy, then we must be important. Unfortunately, busy-ness binds us to many things that might be good and worthwhile, while we miss the things that are the very best.

The Mask of Knowing It All

This mask is typically accompanied by a burning desire to beat people over the head with their important knowledge. The really sad thing is these folks tend to be very unteachable, and therefore never actually learn anything.

The Mask of "I've always got to make a good impression!"

While similar to the I've Got It All Together mask, it differs in at least one important way. It's much more exhausting. It's hard to put down the worry about what everyone else thinks, and the need to control the impression you make on each and every person.

The goal of most masks is protection. In many cases it is not needed. However, sometimes, residual fears of acceptance cause these masks to remain on far longer than they should.

Taking off these masks involves risk.

It is easy for us to accept criticism if it is the mask and not ourselves that received it. We can rationalize, then, that "They don't know me. If they did, they would not have done that, or said that!"

The mask provides psychological distance from another person or situation. Our mind filters our reactions through whichever mask we are wearing. When we have the motivation to show fear, the mask changes it to anger, or patience, or even laughter. While these transitional emotions are sometimes very healthy to have, the habit of continually using them means that we loose track of what we are truly and actually feeling.

No Masks means:

1. The will to experience and show emotions as they happen to us.

2. The desire to let go of the desire that we must always impress others

3. The release of the need to have things under control

4. The motivation to experience the world, people, and situations for what they are, not what they can do for us nor to us.

I am going to include this poem about masks in this blog. It sums up so much more than I can do.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE MASK I WEAR

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
  for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
     masks that I'm afraid to take off
  and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
  within as well as without,
     that confidence is my name
       and coolness my game,
         that the water's calm
       and I'm in command,
    and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
  I don't want anybody to know it.
    I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
       and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
  To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
  my only salvation,
    and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
  and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
  from my own self-built prison walls.

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
  the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
  But I need your help, your hand to hold
    Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
      That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
        of what I can't assure myself,
          that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
  I don't dare.
   I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
  and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good
  and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
  With a facade of assurance without
    And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
  The glittering but empty parade of masks,
    and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
  and nothing of what's everything,
     of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
  do not be fooled by what I'm saying
    Please listen carefully and try to hear
      what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
  but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
  long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
    The nearer you approach me
       the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
  I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
    you wonder who I am
      you shouldn't
        for I am everyman
        and everywoman
           who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

-Author unknown

A Story of Dignity

2010-06-08T12:31:00.001-05:00

A Story of Dignity
----------------------

I pulled up to the ol' Walmart gas pumps this morning, and the place was packed. When, finally, I got to the pumps, there was someone else waiting for me to finish.

I looked at this older SUV van waiting and saw that the passenger was trying to get out. He was an older gentleman, with graying hair, and piercing eyes. Something about him just told me that he used to be a man of power, respect, substance. Like a remembered air of authority and command.

He had a lot of difficulty getting out of this SUV.. His movements were slow and strained. All the while, the driver watched him but did not offer to help; she just watched him with respect in her eyes. I think she was his daughter, but perhaps not. Her eyes followed him, his every movement, like she would react if he started to fall, but he did not.

The cane came out; first one leg and then another touched the ground. He teetered a little but got his balance back. Then he started moving for a pump that was just opening. The SUV pulled into it, and the man took out his card, swiped it, balanced his body on the left with his cane and none-to-steady left leg, removed the gas cap, and picked up the pump and put it in the vehicle. The woman in the driver seat never took her eyes from him.

I finished and drove off, but that incident stayed in my mind. It was a demonstration of a proud man who, while limited by his age and his body, still gets out and pays and pumps his own gas. I know it took an effort. You could see it in his face, in his breathing. But he did it anyway.

It made me think that not everyone would allow the time and patience for someone to do what they still were capable of doing; even pumping gas. It is not just the elderly that seem to be bypassed in this "immediate" life but any of those that are slower, not as skilled, not as coordinated as the "normal" us.

When I went with my dad out to Soup and Salads, there was an elderly man who was the busboy. I watched him at first, because I had never seen someone his age being a busboy. Yet, while I watched, he not only cleaned off the tables, but went further and moved all the shakers, condiments, etc off the table and cleaned under them. and took time out to wipe off the benches and chairs. I saw another busboy (busgirl) who just cleared and wiped. She did it quicker, much quicker, but not a tenth the job he did. I was actually proud of this Soup and Salad for hiring him. They may have thought they were taking a chance on him, but I hope they know and appreciate the honor, the pride he takes in everything he does for them.

I am glad I was reminded of the value of people, at any age, who have pride in what they do.

Reconnecting and Reconciling

2010-06-01T17:04:00.000-05:00

I have heard some stories from those that have deep and abiding regrets about their life.   It is rarely about the money they could have had, the job, the house, the car. In most cases, it is about the relationship they lost, or the friendship from which they walked away. In some way, it is about a connection that was broken.

They all speak of doing it over, rebuilding that burned bridge, reconnecting; in other words, they are talking about redemption and reconciliation. What could have been done; what should have been done; what can still be done.

As we get older, we tend to see our lives in terms of the relationships we have or do not have, rather than those more material things we may strive for in our younger years.

Often, the mid-life crisis is one of identity, of goals not yet accomplished, of value in life.   There can also be another type of mid-life or end-life crisis; one which is a crisis of relationships.

So how do we reconnect?

If we are estranged, then we need to look at why.

Is it the force of habit that has prevented reconciliation with another? Is it pride? Has our ego been bruised by another? Do we feel justified in never talking with them until they talk with us? Are there deeper issues that cause us to view that relationship as toxic, untouchable?

Sometimes a truly toxic relationship may be left alone; but until you really look at it, really examine the reasons, that feeling of needing to reconnect will not go away.

What do we expect from the reconnection?

Is it an apology? (look back at the pride question.) Is it understanding or forgiveness from the other for what you have done, or not done?

Don't expect an Oprah moment. It may happen, but it is better to take baby steps; small and realistic goals.   For example, just opening up a conversation can be a goal.   For some relationships, this is a major step.   Get your feet in the door; open the lines of communication.

It takes two to tango.

The other person has their own goals, expectations, and reasons for even letting you talk to them (if they do.) Realize that all those things play into the initial meeting and the process of reconcilliation. Be aware, always, that you are involved in a dynamic, two-sided relationship.

But be the first one to dance!

If it comes to a deadlock when we try to reconnect, be the first one to back down. Be prepared to take the moral high road. Be patient. Put your pride on hold. You can save face or practice some grace.

Treat each other as you are today; not how you remember them.

It may be all too easy to fall into old habits - which may be the ones that lead to your estrangement in the first place. Just because you may have had history, doesn't mean that that history needs to dictate how each person will respond to the other today.

Reconnection and Reconciliation is a process, not a one stop shop.

Getting a conversation started is a great place to begin. As with all relationship, we need to look at what happened; how close or far away you came to your and their expectations. Is it possible to continue the conversation again? Sometimes it is not. However, if the door is still open, move forward!

Reconnection and reconciliation is worth whatever hardship and time you may put into it. Rebuilding bridges is never time wasted!

Verse to the Soldier

2010-05-30T17:07:00.000-05:00

Verse to the Soldier
----------------------------

Get up now; Chorus for Odysseus;
A brave journey he has taken;
But not a Noman; rather an everyman.

Dying and living; he knows not which.
Stalks of wheat; harvested to the ground,
The chaff, collected by carrion birds,

Yet in reply, to choose forward; to march
In angry riposte to sinew and bone;
Stone in the face of a reaper unknown.

Yet resignation; for this is what he lives;
A peacemaker in the guide of Mars;
To stumble and strive; chaos in the fore

In form, standing against the dark;
taking strength when brothers surround;
With borrowed fortitude, he goes

Get up now; Chorus for these fellows;
Who take point in shadows stretching;
So we, in the light, celebrate the everyman.

-Steven Lee

Geeks and the Church.

2010-05-27T10:33:00.001-05:00

We all want to be accepted.   We want people to look at us and see something valuable, not as if we are from another planet.

Yet, not all of us are socially adept. Sometime, the timing, the cadence of our voices, the content of our talk make others feel uncomfortable, or just plain confused as to how to respond. It used to be that these people were considered geeks, dweebs, nerds, and other more injurious labels. Now, there are a lot of us. In fact, the number is growing all the time.

We are all socially awkward. We all have moments when we have no idea how to respond to other people. There are more and more situations where we feel alienated or disconnected from others. Sometimes, we all feel like we are oddballs.

So what do you do if you know that you are socially awkward?   Join a church.

Churches are great because they usually give a little more slack to people who are different. A few always spend just a little more time getting to know someone who is different. Sometimes, this is all that makes the difference. Sometimes, all us geeks and oddballs just want a second and third time to make a first impression. Strangely enough, a lot of us oddballs are welcomed into a church for the long-term. It is great when a social institution and a spiritual institution encourages people to be accepting enough to get over the Geek Bump.

The Geek Bump is the time it takes for others to realize that the geek is a person too. We all have periods of time before another accepts us as "normal enough to talk to," but the geek usually has a much longer period of time before that happens. The church gives time for others to get over that Geek Bump.

Why should churches be going after us Geeks?

There is no one more loyal than the dog who was lost and is now found. A geek who feels accepted will feel protective, loving, inspired, and dedicated to the group who has accepted them.   They will work harder, do more, and add to the overall richness of that church.

Geeks know technology and love showing it off.   If you want to have a ministry Twittering, get a geek. You want a virtual classroom for Sunday School, get a geek. If you want your church computers to be up and running all the time, get a geek. If you want to explore the Video Conferencing so churches across the world can join in service and ministry, get a geek.

Lastly; a geek is more likely to be accepting of others, and add the the outreach of the Church. I am not saying that Geeks are the only great compassionate or accepting people.   However, anyone that adds to the atmosphere that attracts the different, the misfits, the fringe, the geeks, the oddballs is a good thing.

Acceptance attracts acceptance.

Accept a geek in church today.

Grady - The Adventures on the Road

2010-05-25T12:08:00.000-05:00

He said his name was Grady.

An older man in his 50's, with a long, matted beard and bloodshot eyes. His face bore the mark of many years; long grooves at the corner of his mouth, wind dried skin in deep wrinkles. His teeth were worn down, like he had been chewing on some bit of gristle for the last 40 years. His voice was gravelly; smoke deepened rasp.

He entered my car on the way to Austin.   Said he had to get to 12th street by noon. From where we were, it was a good hour to go to get there.

He talked about his life on the road. He had been hitching most of his life.   There were stories about when he was shot and almost bled to death in Arizona. Another time, he used to beat up drivers and take their money when they let him off.

Should I have felt some fear?

Eventually, he told me about his father who used to beat him when he was young. He was a preacher's kid. And his dad would "beat the sin" from his son. What words of anger and rage came out when he spoke about his dad.

There was a guitar in my back seat, with a large, golden cross painted on it. Did Grady see the guitar? Was there a 2 + 2 that had already made some unspeakable 4 in his mind? Did it spell trouble.

Grady talked about his one companion, his knife.   He had carried it from the time he was just a boy. He said that it had protected his life more than once. Never did he pull it out, but the leather sheath was there at his belt, with a metal handle sticking out.

The road flowed past, faster than it should have. His history has melted the miles, and focused the attention. 12th street was already in front of us.

He left with my 40 dollars in his pocket. Not some payoff for safe passage, but because he was who he was, and taught a little of that to me.

Dreams and the Not Yet Experienced

2010-05-21T15:45:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had a dream where you experience something that is totally new, totally unique, something never experienced in your life?

How does your imagination come up with such things if they are truly new and unique?
In the words of a wise man, "I don't know! But it's cool!"

There was a dream in which I entered a cathedral; which had as its composition, not stone and wood, but gears, pulleys, and crystal. The vaulted, hexagonal ceilings, arched up, with canvas and twine and steel ropes, braided into the curving walls, with a six point brass pulley at the apex of the ceiling. Each door was constructed of gears meshing together in a rectangular arrangement, with the teeth blurring the lines between the door and walls. The floor was of polished discs of metal, spinning together, but when my foot was placed upon them, they stilled, and started up again when I removed them.

Where the altar was supposed to be was a clear crystal box, ten feet on a side. Several crystal plates were spaced inside, with patterns etched in each plate, and all were moving back and forth. As the plates moved, patterns would line up and opening appear. When this happened, water would rush out of the crystal box and cover the floor of the cathedral with a sparkling sheen.

Up at the highest point of the cathedral was a machine like a golden clockwork from a pendulum-driven, grandfather clock. Each gear was glowing gold, moving around a central hub; changing shape from a diamond outline of 11 gears to a star configuration and back again. The light coming in from the sky, struck the gears and illuminated the walls and ceiling with ever-changing configurations of light.

What was amazing is that the whole thing was forever moving. Ropes would stretch as gears would turn. Water would come in and then drain away. Geometries of light and shadow were forever changing.

What kind of dream is this to be having?

There was so much going on, such intricacies and perfect timing in the clockworks, that I knew in the dream that this must be real; for my mind could never conceive of and visualize such a perfection of machinery. Or perhaps, I could?

Why Me God? And other Impossible Questions.

2010-05-14T06:18:00.000-05:00

I am not about to get into the whole "Why do bad things happen to good people" conversation.   Philosophers, theologians, scientists and holy men and women have spent enough time on this. This blog is about why we ask those questions in our darkest times to begin with.

It actually doesn't matter what situation you are in when you get to that point that you start yelling at the sky, "Why Me!!!!"    It could be a flat tire, a late meeting, a lost child in a supermarket, a sick relative, a broken washing machine, or anything that may bring us to the point of overwhelming frustration, or even, calm questioning, "Why Me?"

It may be systematic eroding of our patience, tolerance, endurance, or even faith; that something feels like it is eating away at us, taking away from the richness and value of our life.   It may be a sudden, explosive event that makes us feel like our foundation has been stripped out from underneath us.

The conclusion is the same: we feel fractured!

For this moment, or for a long time, the connections, the assurances, the beliefs we once had are thrown into question. Is it any surprise that we try to find an answer?

I thought everything was going so well? What happened?

I was just at the point that I was getting my head above water. Now this!!!

What the Hell!   This is so unfair!

It is strange that when I look at my own life, that I am asking these questions as if ANY answer would satisfy me in these times.   I am looking with my head for answers that are really being asked in my heart.

When I cry out to heaven, I am really crying out for the assurance that these connections I once felt, are still there.

My head says, Why Me?   My heart says, "I need to be understood!", "I need to feel connected to others in my life again.", "I need to feel loved and appreciated again.", "I need to feel that I still matter to someone else."

Is that why we complain, or like to complain to others?   Do we just want that reassurance that someone is listening?   I know that I sometimes search for sympathy.   However, in those more severe times, I am not searching for sympathy, but love.

Feeling fractured is really the feeling that, during this time of distress, I doubt that I am loved.

It is irrational, I know. Why in the world would what is happening have any effect on whether I am loved or not? Yet, those doubts arise as my discomfort and disharmony and distress increase.

Sometimes then, it is not the answers to the big questions that we really desire.

It is the loving touch on the shoulder,
the kind eyes seen turned to us,
the soft spoken word of support,
the grasped hand of friendship,
the hug of a loved one.

These are the answers to the impossible questions.

When Someone Asks Us to Pray for Them

2010-05-13T14:01:00.000-05:00

What do I do when a friend of mine asks for me to pray for them?   These kind of things I do not take lightly.   Yet, for what am I asking for this other person?

This is a complex question.   I want results for this other person.   I really do.   I would like to put in my order with God and have the desires of this other person come into being.   Right?

In fact, in this case it is really easy. The desire for my friend would make her life with her family easier.   It would provide a base and place from which to love and support her family. Why is this not something that God would immediately say "Yes" in answer?

Is it my place to intercede on her behalf with God? Do I really believe in a God who will not answer such a prayer? Do I believe in a God who will answer all such prayers? Is the specific result that she wants, the result that will provide for the most spiritual growth and fulfillment?   All of these questions are so far beyond my wisdom.

So when I promise to pray for someone, what am I promising?

I promise that:

I will take time out to be intentional; to be quiet; to be still

There is a time that needs to be set aside from all of those distractions of life.   A time where my intention is to, once again, be aware of the presence of God.

My thoughts and feelings and words will be focused on the greater good for the other person.

In this sense, the greater good is that which promotes love for, to, and around the object of prayer.   This has nothing to do with the actual prayer request.   It could be anything at all.   In any prayer, I place that person or that situation or object in the center of field of love, connectedness, peace, and joy.   It is like submerging them in a field of God's love and power.

I will thank God for all the great things about whom or what I am praying.

The feelings of gratitude, appreciation and thankfulness will open up the door to my heart, and in this I will be able to see the object of my prayer as a part of life; of feeling connected to all, of being connected to the person or thing the prayer is about.   As I pray for them, or it, I pray for myself.   As I desire to help them, I am helping myself.

I will focus on the feelings that this answered prayer will have for the other person.

Ultimately, I want the object of my prayer to be happy, or to be part of that happiness for another.   Again, regardless of the outcome of circumstances, of the prayer, the point is for those results to be part of the experience of being happy, being fulfilled, being at peace.

If the prayer request is for another to get a job, then I will focus on the feelings that they will experience that a new job brings; the freedom, the joy, the relief, the celebration.   In the end, what comes up is not as important as how we or the other person feels about it.

It may sound like a lot of things are going on when I pray for someone else, but not really.   It all happens so effortlessly when you love the people or the object of your prayer.

I promise.

A Look at Mother's Day

2010-05-09T13:17:00.000-05:00

ORIGIN OF MOTHER'S DAY

The second Sunday in May has been set aside in honor of motherhood. Many churches have special services in which they honor Mothers of the congregation. They usually present the oldest Mom, youngest Mom, and Mom with the most children a corsage.

There is a custom of wearing a carnation on Mother's Day. A colored carnation means that the person's Mother is living. A white carnation indicates that a person's mom is dead.

Years ago, England observed what they called Mothering Sunday. It came in Mid-Lent.

The first suggestion for a day set aside to honor Mothers was made by Julia Ward Howe. She suggested that it be observed on June 2, as a day dedicated to peace.

Julia was born in 1819 in New York to a prominent family. She was an American writer, lecturer, and reformer. She was known as one of the most famous women of her time. She wrote "The Battle Hymn of the Republic", which was inspired when she visited military camps in Washington, D.C., during the Civil War in 1861. It became the major war song of the Union forces.

Julia became interested in the women's movement. She became the first president of the New England Woman Sufferage Association.

Three years after Frank Hering of Indiana launched his campagin for observance of Mother's Day in 1904, Anna Jarvis began a campaign to a nationwide obervance of Mother's Day. She chose the second Sunday in May. She also began the custom of wearing the carnation.

Jarvis' own Mother was honored on the first service at Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton,West Virginia, on May 10, 1908. Later, at the general assembly in 1912, a delegate from Andrews Church introduced a resolution recognizing Jarvis as the founder of Mother's Day, and suggested that Mother's Day be observed on the second Sunday in May.

President Woodrow Wilson signed a joint resolution in Congress on May 9, 1914, recommending that the federal government observe Mother's day. The next year, the president was authorized to proclaim an annual holiday.

WORLD WIDE SPREAD OF MOTHERS DAY

Over 40 countries observe Mother’s Day. Here is the history of the spread of Mother's Day throughout the rest of the world:

Argentina

Though most of South America observes Mother's Day—Día de la madre—in May, Argentina celebrates on the second Sunday in October. Due to the country’s geographical station in the southern hemisphere, it could be argued that this choice of a date for the holiday more accurately coincides with the traditional springtime seasonality of the Motherhood festivities.

It is customary to honor Argentinean Mothers with dinners, poems and special gestures of attention. Children write letters in school or make cards and crafts to take home. Husbands cook and clean and look after the family, allowing the mother to relax and enjoy the day. Moms are almost certain to receive flowers, cards, candy, jewelry or an unexpected surprise.

One example of an Argentinean Mother’s Day surprise party involves young children gathering their mothers together, encircling them in a room or hallway and reading them poetry. After the reading, a door at the end of the hall is opened to let in all the children’s grandmothers who have remained in hiding up till then. Jubilation ensues.

France

Inspired by American soldiers in World War I, France celebrated other's Day first in 1918. The Minister of the Interior created the official day in 1920, declaring December 19 La Fete de Meres, Mothers’ Day. The focus then was on the re-population of France following the high rate of attrition from the Great War (aka WWI). Mothers with four or five children were awarded a bronze medal. For six or seven the mother would receive a silver medal, and eight or more offspring garnered the gold. This tradition was abandoned when a more modern version of Mother's Day came from the Vichy government, which on May 25, 1945, instituted the National Day of Mothers. Today a common gift is a cake shaped to resemble a bouquet of flowers, along with candies, flowers, cards and perfumes.

India

A westernized version of Mother's Day is officially observed on May 10 in India, though cities and cultural centers tend to celebrate it more than the smaller settlements. On this day mothers receive flowers, a prepared meal, cards or a phone call.

Yet apart from the modern version of Mother’s Day, Hindus have long celebrated a 10 day festival in October called Durga Puja. As the ancient Greeks honored their earth goddess, the Hindu holiday praises their divine mother, Durga. This ancient festival has evolved into one of the biggest events in India. Families spend weeks preparing food and gifts for friends and cleaning and decorating their houses for parties. Businesses and companies now capitalize and plan their own special promotions for the event, much the same way American businesses have tapped into the market potential of Mother's Day.

Japan

The Japanese call Mother's Day haha no hi. In 1913, Japanese Christians were already celebrating it, based on the American practice. It grew steadily in popularity and in the 1930's it was especially prevalent. That changed during WWII when the practice was banned along with all other western customs.

After the war, however, the tradition was taken up again to help comfort to the Mothers who had lost children in the war. By 1949, the celebration of Mother's Day had again spread throughout the country. The Japanese began holding an art contest for children. The children would enter drawings of their Mothers, and the winning drawings would tour through Japan and other countries in an art exhibit celebrating Mothers and peace. This contest was held every four years.

Today the Japanese celebrate Mother's Day on the second Sunday of May. A family may prepare and enjoy traditional dishes that their mothers taught them to cook. The Japanese give their Mothers flowers (especially red carnations), scarves, handkerchiefs and handbags.

Mexico

On May 10th the Mexicans celebrate the Día de las madres. In 1922 a journalist, Rafael Alducín wrote an article advocating the celebration of Mother's Day in all of Mexico. Though the practice had already spread to parts of Mexico, Alducín’s article led to widespread observance of the holiday, and May 10 is the universal day of celebration in Mexico. In the morning the mother is usually treated to a song sung by her family, or a serenade by a hired band. A family breakfast or brunch is also customary. Any family trouble or enmity is laid aside and all gather to honor the matriarch.

Mexicans typically exchange flowers and chocolates. Cards are very popular, and apparently May 10 is the largest day for card sending in Mexico. Phone calls are also customary if the child cannot make it to see their mother.

United Kingdom

Like the rest of Europe, England and Ireland observed the mid-Lent holiday and honored and decorated their “Mother Church,” the church where they were baptized. The church eventually extended the observation to honor all mothers. The English called this Mothering Sunday and, in the 1700's they observed it by taking a break from the fasting and penitence of Lent and having a family feast. Children would make a rare journey home from their apprenticeships and jobs to spend the day with their mother and family. Mothering Sunday fell out of practice in the early 1900's. After WWII, however, the islanders once again picked up the tradition, inspired largely by the United States. Today the UK’s Mother’s Day continues in much the same way as the old tradition, with cards and dinners in honor of Mom.

In addition, cakes and flowers—especially violets—are given to Mom on Mother’s Day in the United Kingdom. It is customary to serve Simnel Cake, a glazed fruitcake inspired by a folk tale about a married couple, Simon and Nell. So the story goes, this pair could not decide bake or broil a cake. So in the end they did both. Thus Simnel Cake was born.

Yugoslavia

Tied to a three day series of holidays, the Mother's Day cycle in Yugoslavia begins with Children's Day or “Dechiyi Dan” three days before Christmas. The following Sunday is Mother's Day or “Materitse”, and the Sunday after that is Father's Day or “Ochichi.”

On Children's Day the children are tied up and not released until they promise to be good. On Mother's day the mother is bound. To earn her freedom she must give the family treats and candy. The father gets tied the next Sunday but must promise more lavish gifts, clothing or shoes, and these items are usually the family's Christmas gifts.

The typical gifts exchanged include candy, sweets, clothing, shoes, coats—and promises of good behavior.

Other Countries & Regions Celebrating Mother's Day

    * Asia - Many Asian countries that celebrate Mother’s Day tend to draw heavily from the United States’ tradition.
    * Australia - The Australian Mother’s Day is similar to that of the United States, in which families visit each other and dinners. In addition to flowers, cards, jewelry and chocolates, it is customary for Australians to exchange perfume and teas on Mother’s Day.
    * Bahrain - In Bahrain Mother's Day is called Ruz-e Madar and it coincides with the first day of spring, observed as March 21, as are the Mother’s Day celebrations in Lebanon and the United Arab Emirates.
    * Belgium - In the Dutch-speaking parts of Belgium the day is called Moederdag.
    * Canada - Canada was one of the first nation’s to pick up the US version of Mother’s Day, making it a national holiday in 1909, one year later the United States did. The customs largely reflect those of its southern neighbor, although in Canada there seems to be an added emphasis on doing chores for the Mother and cooking her supper.
    * China - While China’s Mother’s Day distinguishes itself little from the United States’, it is interesting to note that most Chinese names begin with a character signifying Mother in honor of ones maternal heritage, helping explain the cultural compatibility of such a holiday, despite it’s having been imported from the West.
    * Denmark - In Denmark dining out to lunch is a popular Mother’s Day pastime. The day is called Mors Dag.
    * Ethiopia - Mother's Day in Ethiopia occurs in mid-fall when the rainy season ends. Called “Antrosht,” Ethiopians celebrate by making their way home when the weather clears for a large family meal and a three day long celebration. For the feast the children bring ingredients for a traditional hash recipe. The ingredients are divided along gender lines, with girls bringing butter, cheese, vegetables and spices while the boys bring a bull or lamb. The mother prepares the hash and hands it out to the family. After the meal a celebration takes place. The mothers and daughters ritually anoint themselves with butter on their faces and chests. They dance while the men sing songs in honor of family and heroes. This cycle of feasting and celebration lasts two or three days.
    * Finland - In Finland Mother’s Day is called aidipayiva. In the morning the family arises and takes a walk, picking the new flowers which bloom this time of year and making a bouquet for the mother. A particular flower called the valkovuokko is favored. This is a small white pungent flower. Back home Mom presented with a decorated bouquet, while also being served breakfast in bed.
    * Hong Kong - Hong Kong’s holiday, called mu quin jie, is notable for its custom to pay honor to the parent of the Mother if she is deceased.
    * Italy - The Italians celebrate La Festa della Mamma with a big feast and a cake made in the shape of a heart. Typically Italian schoolchildren will make something to bring home to their Mothers, and the family will take care of the chores for the day.
    * Norway - The Norwegian Morsdag takes place on February’s second Sunday.
    * Pakistan (and Saudi Arabia) - The May 10 celebration of Motherhood in Saudi Arabia and Pakistan is called Yaum ul-umm. It is inspired by and modeled after the western tradition of Mother's Day in which all mothers are honored and given gifts. Celebrations and feasts are customary.
    * Saudi Arabia - see Pakistan
    * Serbia - Also occurring two weeks before Christmas, the Serbian Mother’s Day tradition is quite similar to the Yugoslavian one. The Sunday prior to Mother’s Day is commemorated by a ritual in which parents tie up their young ones until they promise to behave themselves. Retribution comes a week later when children bind their mother until she offers them candy and other treats. But it doesn’t end on Mother’s Day. The following Sunday it’s the father’s turn to be tied up until he promises some pricey gifts.
    * Singapore - Singapore’s Mother’s Day places a heavy emphasis on marketing a wide variety of gifts including spa packages, vacuums, hampers, jewelry and other more traditional presents such as flowers.
    * South Africa - South Africa celebrates Mother’s Day on the first Sunday in May.
    * Sweden - Sweden’s Mother’s Day, which takes place on the last Sunday in May, has a strong charitable focus: the Swedish Red Cross sells small plastic flowers leading up to the holiday, and the proceeds raised are given to poor mothers and their children.
    * Thailand - Perhaps the most unique Asian Mother's Day holiday takes place in Thailand. The celebration coincides with the birthday of their beloved queen, Sirikit Kitayakara, who has reigned since 1950. Her birthday, and therefore Mother's Day, takes place on August 12.
    * Turkey - Mother’s Day in Turkey is heavily influenced by the traditions from the United States.

We also have a page dedicated to detailing when Mother's Day is held in different regions.

Modern Celebration

When the United States congress approved Mother’s Day in 1914, they designated it for the second Sunday in May, and required that the President proclaim the Holiday every year shortly prior to its commencement. A recent example of a presidential Mother’s Day proclamation can be seen here. While the president proclaims the event, some mothers who lost a child use it to protest against war.

Typically a family in the United States will devote Mother’s Day to activities in honor of Mom, whether playing games, going out to dinner, taking the weekend off or going on a walk in the park. Flowers are popular, dating back to the original celebration where Anna Jarvis handed out carnations to the church-goers. It is also common to give Mother cards and chocolate candies on her special day.

In the United States Mother's Day continues to be highly commercialized.

    * The National Retail Foundation predicts Mother's Day is a $14 Billion industry, offering demographic spend breakdowns.
    * Google Trends shows a sharp spike in search traffic for Mother's Day on Mother's Day in the US and UK and the month leading up to it.
    * Florists see their highest sales in May.
    * US restaurants claim that it is the busiest day of the year.
    * Long distance telephone calls also peak on this day.
    * The US Postal Service experiences increased volume during the surrounding days.
    * According to Hallmark, 96% of American consumers take part in shopping on Mother's Day, while retailers report it as the second highest gift giving day of the year behind Christmas.

Emotional Intelligence - What do I know? - Repost

2010-04-30T13:01:00.002-05:00

I am continually amazed by how much I do not know about stuff.   I am ignorant; sometimes not even with the blissful ignorance people talk about; but rather, the more "disconnected from life, the earth, and everyone" ignorance.

This brings me to the point of this blog: Emotional Intelligence.

According to Psychology Today, Emotional Intelligence is the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. It is the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.

There are four different factors of emotional intelligence:

1. the perception of emotion,
2. the ability to reason using emotions,
3. the ability to understand emotion,
4. and the ability to manage emotions.

I can talk about E.I. (Emotional Intelligence) as a definition, and go through all the parts, but it really is like a bio-researcher talking about love.

So....here is something a little different; how to fail an E.I. questionnaire.

The Perception of Emotion

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"She's not that into you! She was not smiling at you...that was her baring her teeth"
- Being one of the guys that takes a girl being nice to them as an invitation to ask them out on a date.
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!

"Just give them some space! Otherwise, you might not like what she will say!"
Not realizing that sometimes people just don't want to talk out their emotions, they want to be alone.
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!

The ability to reason using emotions
-----------------------------------
"I don't want to go with you because shopping really makes me feel bored, and like I am wasting those hours of my life on nothing at all!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!

"If you could just understand that when you spend time with your friends, your intelligence goes down."
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!

The ability to understand emotion
-----------------------------------
"But you just cried 10 minutes ago! This is the last time we are getting a chick-flick!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!

"How can you be jealous over a girl that doesn't even wear a bra!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!

The ability to manage emotions.
-----------------------------------
"What do you mean? I had to punch something. I will fix the hole in the wall this weekend!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!

"So, I didn't realize he was a cop until after I gave him the finger!"
Emotional Intelligence - Low; Verdict - Failed!

These are some ways to make fun of all the times that we men have not shown that high a level of emotional intelligence. I am one of them.   I admit it.

Why are men particularly guilty of having a low emotional intelligence?

Let me say, that in writing this blog, I researched some things about emotions and the sexes. It seems that men experience emotions as deeply as women.   Though men compartmentalize and intellectualize more, women are affected more directly, more quickly than men.

The male mind is hard-wired differently. Women, in PET and dynamic contrast studies of the blood flow in the brain, show a much quicker transition of activity level between the logical, reasoning and emotional centers of the brain; namely the left and right hemispheres. Men show a much slower transitioning of activity.

This may explain why, in 125 studies in various cultures, boys and men were consistently less accurate at interpreting unspoken messages in gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice. Men also react less intensely to emotions, and forget them faster. In an experiment at Stanford University, photographs of upsetting or traumatic images triggered greater activity in more regions of female brains. Three weeks later the women remembered more detail about the pictures than the men.

Men do experience strong emotions. In fact, during traumatic emotional events, such as divorce or the loss of a loved one, those raw emotions cannot be compartmentalized or intellectualized.   Once those floodgates are open, they are rarely if ever closed. In these situations, developing emotional intelligence is not only preferable, but necessary for the man to have a better chance of future, positive, and nurturing emotional relationships.

So what can we Men as a species do to increase our Emotional Intelligence?

All I can say is that it takes an effort, a choice to step back and think of how my reactions, my words, can affect the emotions of those around me.   When I do take this pause, and I do think about the emotional content of the situation, I do show more emotional intelligence.

Just ask yourself:

Am I understanding the emotional context of this situation?
What I am about to say; does it take into account the feelings of the other person?
What am I feeling now, and how does it affect what I am about to say and do?
Are my emotional needs being expressed in a way that does not infringe on other's emotional needs.

All of these steps require that men allow themselves to feel and express their emotions first.
There are some tips from Reader's Digest in the Oct 2005 issue that may be of help to both men and the women in their life.
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Guys, Try These:

Develop a creative outlet. Hobbies like painting or playing a musical instrument can tap into a man's soul. Remember that much of the world's greatest art, music and literature was created by the allegedly emotionally challenged sex.
Release stress and anger through exercise. "When you get to the breaking point where you just want to put your head through a wall, taking a ten-minute time-out isn't enough to calm down," says Westover, who in moments of extreme emotion finds a place to drop to the floor and do push-ups.
Try expressing "a little" emotion. "Start with feelings you can control, find a sympathetic ear and use the term 'a little,'" suggests Coleman. Saying you feel "a little" sad or "a little" scared feels safer than a full declaration of vulnerability.
Lean into the discomfort. "Rather than avoiding a feeling that you're not sure how to handle, move toward it," says psychologist Travis Bradberry, PhD, co-author of The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book. "Learning to handle emotions takes time and practice because you need to retrain your brain, but it does get easier."

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Capturing Moments in Time and Memory

2010-04-26T19:39:00.000-05:00

Capturing moments in time and memory is something we all do from time to time.

"I will remember this moment.   I will!"   I have said to myself.   There are times that were so good, or so peaceful, or so moving that I wanted to indelibly impress them on my memory so that I could remember them later. It is amazing how many of these memories that have been stored away.

I would like to share a few of such moments in this blog.   They may prompt you to take some mental "snapshots" yourself.

Snapshot
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It was sometime in the summer of my 2nd grade year, and my family had guests over.   There was a wonderful little girl a year older than me, and a year younger than my brother.   I remember my brother and I trying to impress this girl. She sat on the couch, and he and I would perform dance moves, songs, handstands, somersaults, anything to impress her.   Then my mom called my brother into the kitchen for some reason, and this girl and I finally had time to talk. I needed to remember this feeling.   I had a huge crush on this girl; it happening over the course of an hour.   I finally had time without competing over her with my brother. By the time he came back, she and I were sitting together on the couch. This was a time I did not want to forget.

Snapshot
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My uncle took me up in his plane, sometime when I was 5. I do not remember much, but there was a moment.   He told me to take the stick when we were up in the sky. He said to not move it and keep it in the center.   I did, but did not believe that he let go in the front. When he put up his arms, I knew that for that time I had control, I was flying the plane.

Snapshot
---------
T-ball was the bane of my existence. I would always hit the ball directly to the 1st base player. I got more OUTs than anyone else in the team.   Yet, one day, I hit the ball and it did not go to 1st base. It went beyond the pitcher and out into the field. I ran two bases, but we won the game because the other bases were loaded. Before I knew it, I was hoisted to the shoulders of my team, and marched around the field.

Snapshot
---------
My friend was talking about suicide. I spent hours talking with him.   When he went home, I did not know what the outcome would be the next day. I hoped for the best, but was too young and too uninformed that I should have told someone else about my fears. It was the longest night.   The next day, I talked with him, and he sounded better; not much, but better. I felt such a sense of relief.   I vowed I would remember that time. He is now married and has two children and he is happy.

Snapshot
---------
People around me saw angels.   It was a camp out, and these junior high kids saw angels.   All of us just completed a game where we said what we liked about the people around us.   There was such a sense of peace and love among the group.   Just then, people started stirring and asking who those two people were (pointing to the edge of the fire). I did not see anything; but they even had different description of who these two were.   About three of us did not see anything at all; I was one of them.   Though in that setting, I believed totally that others were seeing the angels. It was a moment that I needed to put away, to save, to cherish.

Hear Me! See Me! Understand Me!

2010-04-25T16:35:00.000-05:00

There have been times in my life that I have felt misunderstood, ignored, or treated like I just didn't exist. All of this really boils down to the need to feel accepted by others.

So this blog is really some of those moments where I needed to feel accepted when I felt ignored or misunderstood, and how, each time, as I came to accept myself more, I was more accepted by others.

When I was in Kindergarten, I had a really bad speech problem.   I could not pronounce "R"s to save my life.   When I tried to talk with others, they simple could not understand what I was saying.   I got so frustrated.   My family has told me that I would throw fits and cry a lot because I could not be understood.   My parents started me in speech therapy to correct my "R"s.

I remember that my teacher was so very patient.   I remember repeating certain phrases, words, sounds thousands of times.   I know that I got so angry sometimes, so frustrated, yet she calmly worked with me.   For some time, we worked together and my speech got better.   I cried over it less, was understood more, and started feeling like part of the conversations, play and fun in school.   I got to like my own voice, to accept that I could work on my speech and have people understand my words. I learned a little of the patience with other people in understanding me that my speech therapist had with me.

The other major time that I felt cut off, ignored was when I was going through Chemotherapy in High School. I lost my hair, all of it, and even my eyebrows.    I remember my 16th birthday, when some of my friends were invited to my house, and they moved the bed out into the living room so that I could participate in the party while still laying down.   My friends, the close ones, tried their best, but I could feel that because I looked like I did, and that they all knew that I had Cancer, that there were reservations.   Some did not know how to react. Most, even though they may have not been aware of it, distanced themselves a bit.   I did not blame them.   I would not know how to react back then either.   However, in High School, people really backed off.   I would walk through the halls and actually see people move away a little to either side of the hall. Not much; a couple of inches or a foot, but they moved.   I could see that everyone saw me, but they acted as if they did not.   Not too many spontaneous conversations with strangers happened that year.

What helped me, during this time, was the time I spend during the summer at camp.   In that intentional Christian community, I found acceptance and love.   It did not matter how I looked, how I acted, there were too many occasions where I found that others liked me and I liked them.   That did more for my self-acceptance than anything else did in all my High School years.   What it also did, was bolster me for the months when I went to school and experienced this distancing from others.   I started to act like I did in camp, and did not wait for others to begin to accept, welcome or understand me, but went to others and listened, spent time, and tried to hear them and understand them. Instead of waiting to be seen, I chose to see others around me, for the individuals that they were.

What I truly noticed is that all people want to be seen, understood, heard; but most of all accepted.

I am struck, constantly, by the Prayer of Saint Francis, and the particular line in bold:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon:

where there is doubt, faith ;

where there is despair, hope

where there is darkness, light

where there is sadness, joy

O divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Immersed in Life

2010-04-17T09:41:00.000-05:00

I do not spend enough time surrounding myself with those things and experiences that are positive, are joyful or peaceful.   It seems that life is full of the loud, the distressing, the worrying, the anxious, and the negative. They are so easy to capture the attention.   Let's face it, part of my likes the drama; likes the complaining; likes the ups and downs of it all.....that is...until I don't anymore.

My ego likes that drama.   It thrives on it. It likes defining itself as what is their to oppose it.   It likes complaining.   It has fun being miserable.   It justifies it's own existence this way.   I am tired of it.

What brought me to this point was the many times that I have purposely sought life-affirming situations, encounters, people. The comparison between the two brought me to the point of choosing even more such situations.

That is what this blog is going to be about.   Immersing myself in life.

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I had a wonderful experience by a lake. It was a fall day; the sun partially hidden by the clouds; the rays bouncing off of the ripples caused by the wind. Geese were floating in the water; occasionally dipping completely in to snag a fish or some small morsel of food underwater.

I had brought a small, folding chair with me and a book.   I set it up next to the shore and opened the book, preparing to read.   I saw a couple of geese harassing some families that were to be fed.   Wow...pushy geese.   One caught me eye though.   He (She) was close to the shore and just looking at me.   He didn't move from his spot, just kept looking.   I dropped my head and started reading.   Whenever I looked up, there he was looking.   A smile crept on my face. This went on for about 10 minutes.

Finally, out of nowhere I just said out loud to the goose, "OK, if you are going to keep me company today, you might as well get out of the water and come join me here."   Nothing happened.

I read a few more pages, and looked up.   The geese was closer to the shore.   I got this little thrill, but shrugged it off and went back reading. When I looked up again, the goose was on the shore, not ten feet from me. "Great. Glad you could join me," I said.

Just then a car drove up to the parking area and the goose took off, back into the water and quickly to the center of the lake.

For a while I did not know what to make of this. Whereas before, I would have attributed this behavior to the fact the goose thought I had food and that was why it came out of the water.   But I chose to interpret it as a moment of that goose understanding me and I understanding it; that neither of us were a threat to the other; that we both just wanted some companionship for a while.

This moment recharged me. I felt good, happy, even joyful the rest of that day.   Such a simple thing.

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Another moment happened when I was visiting my church. They have a Mother's Day Out program where Tuesdays and Thursdays they have classes with pre-k children. I love these days, when I can stop by, because the whole church is full of life.

Little children are so full of laughter, discovery, and unabashed wonder. I talk with some of them, some of the teaches, some of the church staff. It actually doesn't matter what I do when I am there. The life that surrounds me, sinks in. It lightens my mood, recharges my spirit.

I find that when I play piano there, new tunes, new arrangements, new compositions just flow out of my hands. I know it is not my skill or talent, but rather that after having breathed in the life around me, I exhale that life out in playing music, singing, praying. It seems more natural than anything else.

During one of these visits, the kids were just getting up after their nap, and I sat down in one of the chairs in the nap room. Suddenly, I found myself surrounded by about ten children, all talking at once. The first one said that he had a dog. This started all the others describing the animals they had.   I kept it going by saying that I had a cat, and found that children have firm opinions about whether a cat or dog is the best pet to have.

It was just amazing that I became this focus for all these children; like they had all these things to share and suddenly a new adult was there to tell all of their stories. Again, I left this encounter feeling great for the rest of the day.

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I know that these are simple things; simple moments in time. Yet, they are life. Nature, living things, children, friends. These are all the connections that make life rich, that recharge my batteries.

When I compare this with what I surround myself with normally, I truly wonder why I don't make the choice to experience life more often and strife less.

Loving Yourself - Step 12

2010-04-10T12:05:00.000-05:00

At last, we are at the end of the 12-step blog on loving yourself.

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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.
11. To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.
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Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.

The most important thing about loving yourself and going through these steps is the realization you can now use these tools and principles to help other people.

Helping others is a significant part of loving yourself, and there are many ways that this gets passed on. When you live it and share it with others, you are carrying the message that everyone is worthy, capable, and deserving to love themselves fully. In practicing the step 12 you will find that:

By loving others by witnessing to how you have learned to love yourself, that your appreciation of the love you have for yourself and it's impact on your life deepens.
By hearing the stories of other's jorneys, you are reminded of where you were when you started.
By modeling to others, you become aware that you need to practice what you preach.
By giving to others, you develop bonds with new people who you need and who really need you.
By helping others, you give what you have received.
By supporting new beginnings, you revitalize your own efforts.

The selfless service of this work is the very principle of step 12. We received our ability to love ourselves from the God of our understanding, so we now make ourselves available as His tool to share this with those who seek it. Most of us learn in time that we can only carry our message to someone who is asking for help. Sometimes the only message necessary is to show by the power of example.

I now love myself better, and show it in all my thoughts, words and actions, in an effort to be true to the person I am becoming, and to love and serve those around me and help them in any way in their journey of loving themselves.

Step 12 really is the time when we create a mission statement for what we will do with this new and renewed sense of self-love. We have been loved and now we love in return. We have breathed in the unconditional love from a greater power, seen and practiced how it can change our own ability to love ourselves, and are now ready to breath out; to spread that love of self to others.

For myself, I never feel more loving toward myself than when I have helped show another not only what to love in themselves but how to do it. Life takes on a new meaning when you witness others starting to love and trust themselves; when they begin to see themselves through that divine focus of unconditional love.

We best love ourselves by putting into practice with others, the love we now feel in us.

Loving Yourself - Step 11

2010-04-09T21:25:00.003-05:00

Let us review the steps so far in loving yourself .....
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on
10. To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.
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We are now on the second to last step.   Actually the step that keeps this whole process working for the future.

Step 11: To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!

Step 11 is the continuous reinforcement of step 3: " To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us." For 100 people, we all have a different perception of what God is. Hopefully, by the time we have gotten to step 11, we understand truly that there is something greater than ourselves that we need to realize that unconditional love for ourselves. Step 11 continually reinforces the need to seek that conscious contact through prayer and meditation. To touch that unconditional love, and realize it is again a part of our lives.

Let us break this step down again into multiple parts, to better understand them.

1. To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God.

I could go into several thousand different forms of prayer and as many forms of meditation that are out there. When we seek something through prayer and meditation, at the core, this means participating in thinking, speaking, and behaving in ways that bring us to realize and connect with a greater power. It may take a while to find exactly what that is in our lives.   We may go through several types of prayer and meditation; discarding those methods that do not work for us, and embracing those that do.

When we find these individual ways of prayer and meditation, we start making conscious contact. This means being aware, mindful, and awake to align ourselves with God, as we understand God. We gain a perception of the way to truth - illuminating our path to success, happiness, and peace of mind.

To have conscious contact with God is to be alert with our inner essence. We gain awareness and attentiveness to our chosen path to freedom. We gain the familiarity and knowledge to live in accordance with God's will for our lives.

2. Praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!

When we become aware of the Light of God's love through prayer and meditation, we become at peace with ourselves, our life's direction, and of our new-found life within. We start slowly seeing ourselves again through the eyes of that unconditional love.

With this knowledge, we feel, deep within us, the serenity that we once thought was impossible to achieve.   We start feeling this peace, because our greatest fear, that of not being worthy of being love, and not being loved, has lost it's power over us.

We realize that our Higher Power has been with us from the start. It has been guiding us thus far through the Steps, and now our Higher Power desires for us to strengthen the conscious contact necessary to continue growing in our journey.

As you can see, this entire step is realizing, reinforcing, and reviewing the unconditional love for which we are always worthy, always experiencing, always immersed.   This step maintains out spiritual connection which continually allows us to re-experience all or any of the steps we will need to review as our life, loving ourselves, continues.

Loving Yourself - Step 10

2010-04-06T16:34:00.001-05:00

To review:   The nine steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
9. To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.
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Step 10: To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admit it and change.

Step 10 is the last step when we are creating our lists of the times we have harmed ourselves. Step 9 was learning to identify when shame and guilt come up when looking back on those issues and to correct them. Step 10 is learning to prevent self-criticism as new experiences happen.   It is being proactive, instead of letting those experiences become self-critical memories.

It is only by having gone through the other 9 steps that this step even becomes possible.   It is also very difficult.   Why?   Because none of us want to face when we are being self-critical.   I know it is ironic, but it is difficult to face the fact that we are self-critical without being self-critical. Yet, we can do the same things we have done in the earlier steps.   We can choose to accept honestly, when the first inkling of self-criticism hits, that we are experiencing it, and can choose to change our thinking.

Like step 9, sometimes we build up the habit of categorizing experiences immediately in terms of negative self-thoughts and positive self-thoughts. It is sometimes immediate, happening in a second. We know immediately when we have said or done the wrong thing and we do everything in our power to apologize to ourselves and others before too much time has passed.

For example, I was talking with a friend and we were talking about getting chocolate and I said that it was a good mood-altering substance, realizing only then that my friend was bi-polar and might take that statement in the wrong way.   I could have reviewed this statement I made over and over again, blaming myself for my own stupidity over and over.   However, by stopping and realizing that I made a mistake, apologizing, and moving on, the self-criticism has no chance of becoming a reinforced cycle of criticism and shame and guilt. Also, there are times that I think that I could have done something different, I could have treated myself better, better food or more exercise.   I stop and see that these are valid points, but that I have the opportunity to change my present behavior to be closer to what I desire for myself.   I see what needs to be changed (1st critical thought) and then choose to change it (Step 10).

Step 10 is really a consciousness raising step. It is retraining our mind to no longer equate negative self-thoughts with self-criticism, but rather with acceptance, choice, and forgiveness.

Loving Yourself - Step 9

2010-04-02T11:37:00.001-05:00

The ninth step is finally here.

To review:   The steps so far of Loving Yourself
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
8. To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them
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Step 9: To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.

Do you notice that this 12-step blog has a lot to do with creating lists, looking at ourselves, and preventing self-critical thoughts from becoming Shame and Guilt. Step 9 specifically looks at seeing and recognizing when that shame and guilt start coming up.

I am going to take a little different take on this step than usual. I have the feeling that I am repeating myself a lot. So here goes.

Why we experience shame and guilt?

We are believers in cause and effect. When something goes wrong, we want to know why. How did it happen? What went wrong? Could it have been prevented -- and if so, how? What could/should we have done differently?   Let's face it. We want to blame somebody.   The closest person happens to be us.   Especially if we are honestly looking at our list.

As a behavior pattern, guilt often becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: we do something, we feel guilty about it, we punish ourselves and, because we feel bad, we end up repeating our behavior at the next available opportunity.

The debilitating cycle of guilt continues largely because we do not take full responsibility for our actions or for changing our behavior. But how do we start the process of taking responsibility? By considering, with complete honesty, the part we play in any situation and accepting our role in creating events.

What can we do about changing those feelings?

The problem is that our habitual reactions to past regrets have become programmed. Our shame and guilt are learned responses. We change how we perceive, how we think, and how we react and we reduce that shame and guilt.

I have talked about choosing before to reduce self-criticism.   The same thing applies here.

Every time guilt or shame surfaces, stop; take time, think, and then choose to think differently, to change your perspective. How can these thoughts bring about something positive?

The easiest way to see how to do this is to give some examples of thoughts and conditions and how we can change our perspective on them.

"I shouldn't have gotten drunk and said those mean things to my friend!'

If you have ever said something that you regret to someone else, I mean really regret, it has a tendency to tear you up inside.   It sponsors thoughts like, "Will they ever forgive me? Will they even like me? How could I say something so cruel?"   All these thoughts bring about more guilt and shame.   These thoughts can be changed.

"OK; I got drunk and was cruel to my friend.   Now I have a reason to really talk with them and, if not mend the relationship, ask for forgiveness, at least open up the lines of communication."

"I should not have pushed all the people away in my life that were trying to get closer"

Self thoughts from this run the gambit from, "They will never want to get close now." or "I deserve to be as lonely as I am!"

How about changing those thoughts to ones like, "Like my loved ones, I can now reach out to them like they did to me and try to get closer.   I can ask for help from them and be a friend to them."

See how shame and guilt have no place when you change these thoughts.   These feelings arise from fear.   When you choose and change to react with love, they go away.   When you find positive ways to react when you feel such feelings, the cycle of guilt is broken. Not only that, the way to self-forgiveness, and self-growth lies open.

I look back and see that

Loving Yourself - Step 8

2010-03-26T10:40:00.002-05:00

As I go through these steps, trying to spell out what I need in my own life in these blogs, they get more difficult.   I guess it is like life. Step 8 is harder than step 7 and so forth.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
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Step 8: To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them.

This step is different in several ways from the others. It is the first time that we take action to prevent Guilt and Shame ruling our lives and preventing us and others from loving us.

Guilt and shame do not have a place in loving ourselves.   This is because both emotions motivate us to remove those thoughts that create the guilt and shame in the first place.   The faster the better.   Usually, this causes us to deny or ignore these thoughts or actions. Thus, our ability to assess and address our moments of self-harm are short-circuited.

The only way to prevent that guilt and shame from doing this with all of our thoughts about how we may have harmed ourselves in the past, is to reveal and redress them.

1. Reveal the harm we may have caused ourselves.

Self-harm in this sense does not mean intentionally injuring bodily tissues.   However, it may include this if it is part of your list.   What it does mean is any emotional, spiritual, mental or physical harm to self in which you have intentionally participated.

When we make a list of those times we participated in self-harm there are a couple of things we need to keep in mind.

a. Be firm but compassionate with ourselves.
b. Avoid wallowing in guilt.
c. Do not be obsessive.
d. Do not become unduly entangled in irrelevancies or imagined shortcomings.
e. In a quiet frame of mind, bring up these memories without emotion or self-judgment.
f. The overall goal is to make our lists from a place of peace, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves.

We need to be open to that Greater Power as we work this step. Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done and anyone we've come in contact with. Much of what we're feeling is undeserved guilt. If we find ourselves enmeshed in this, we go back to Step 2, and remember that we are loved unconditionally, regardless of what we have ever done.

It is also a good idea to set a specified time to work on this list.   Allow no more than 45 minutes or an hour at any one time to go through this.   By spacing these times out we may prevent becoming obsessive about it.

We also need to be open to others, friends during this process.   Sometimes, we need to share what we have uncovered so see if they are actual moments of harmful behavior or if they are based on irrelevancies or irrational imaginings.

The most important thing to remember is to come from a place of peace and acceptance, and if leave this state, to stop and take time to bring us back to this state of reflection.

2. Redress the harm we may have caused ourselves.

This Step calls for a change of heart. It asks us to drop our defenses, our protective devices, and to begin to seek peace and healing in our perceptions and relationship with ourselves.

In this way we can go down that list we have made and truly forgive ourselves for those actions. Healing begins within us. It begins with a thought, a vision, a feeling of willingness. A process of healing and love begins when we make the decision to take care of ourselves and to come to a place of peace and acceptance for that younger self who participated in those behaviors.

Take this Step as soon as possible after making your list. Take it whenever bitterness, resentment, victimization, or fear enter in. Take it whenever we seek and desire peace and healing with ourselves and with others. We do not have to do this step too soon. We do not have to do it until we are ready. But we must do it to continue growing in self-love.

The end product of Step 8 is to reduce the guilt and blame we carry. By taking responsibility, we get out of the victim role, and start seeing ourselves as co-authors, with that Greater Power, of our lives.

Loving Yourself - Step 7

2010-03-19T14:01:00.003-05:00

On the continuing epic of Loving Yourself, here is the 7th installment.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
6. To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.

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Step 7. To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.

In step 6, the need to include a Higher Power in any solution for dealing with the fears in our lives was addressed.   Step 7, actually trusting in that Higher Power to replace those root fears with the love we need to overcome them.

As part of a solution to overcome fears, not only is there a need for us to Choose to deal with them, but to Choose to believe that the love we need to address these fears is there, is available, is accessible.   That takes faith.   Perhaps the most difficult thing to do is to trust, to have faith in the Higher Power's ability to do this.

On the one hand, we have come to a point where we are ready to face our limitation on loving ourselves. However, let me reiterate to myself, that only with the faith and behaviors which come out of that faith in a Higher Power will allow me to overcome my fears.

How do we have faith?

Wow. This is a difficult question.   There is no easy answer to have faith.   However, there is a way to act as if we have faith.   If we tell ourselves that if we had faith, our solution to our fears would work in such and such a way.   Then, instead of dwelling on not having faith, we put that solution to work as if we already did have that faith.

To illustrate this, let's go back to my fear of not being loved. This is a basic and root fear that strikes many many people. I know from step 6, that the solution must include acting as if I am loved, regardless of the situation. I know that I cannot do this. I can choose to have faith that God will open up my heart and let me experience being loved, at any time, in any circumstance.

So instead of telling myself that I am loved, then trying to act toward others and myself that I am loved, I do the reverse. I start by acting as if I am loved, and behaving as if I am always loved by that Higher Power. Then my behaviors will start to convince my thoughts that this state of being loved is real. Thus, behaviors affect thoughts which affect emotions, which affect thoughts, which affect behaviors.

The Higher Power is asked to help me act as if I have faith in that greater love, and again is asked to help my thoughts change to reflect those behaviors, and again asked to help change my emotions to reflect my thoughts.

This is such an important step in the 12-steps that I want to delineate it again, using thought, emotion and behavior.

Thoughts
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We can change our thoughts before our behaviors, but there are some things we must keep in mind.

1. Our thoughts have an inertia.   Thinking in one way or another can create a pattern, a habit of thinking which can sometimes be very difficult to break.
2. Sometimes thoughts are best changed by using some other tool than our own mind. We can think differently.   Don't get me wrong.   Usually it just takes less effort to change some other experience and let our thoughts build and change off of that.
3. By choosing to act differently, our mind has less opportunity to sabotage or own effort to change our thoughts. This also means that we have less defenses up in relation to including God in all these efforts.

Emotions
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Our emotions change as we see the results of our different actions, alternate behaviors.   They also are reinforced by our changing thoughts. The word "emotion" contains the root "motion". This is because emotions are motivating; they exist to push or lure us to move towards things we feel good about, and to want to avoid or escape from things we feel badly about. In this context, we need to be aware of the following:

1. Because emotions motivate us to behave in particular ways, sometimes with such intensity that thoughts and other rational considerations are pushed aside, the risk in dealing soley with them is that we end up behaving in ways we know are bad for us.

2. Again, by using our behaviors to change our emotions, they become a thermostat, a yardstick, a measure of the degree to which we start to believe that we are being loved; that our actions are having the desired affect.

Behaviors
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Just as behaviors can affect thoughts and emotions, so to do our changing thoughts and emotions change our behaviors. It is a cycle that can begin at any point, but by beginning with behaviors, we are acting, we are doing, we are creating our actions.   This anyone can do.   Anyone can change a behavior.   You just act differently.   Not everyone can change or even knows how to change a thought, or choose to feel an emotion.

In my own case,
I act as if I am loved. Therefore, in any situation where I would have acted like I had the fear of not being loved, I choose to act differently.   Once I am acting as if I do not have a fear of being loved, how I relate to others, and how other relate to me change.   These changes spark my emotions and thoughts to change.   These changes reinforce my behavior, and so on.

To place that Higher Power in context again:

1. God provides the framework, the reinforcement, the ability to start changing our behaviors.
2. God again is the conduit through which are behaviors start changing our thoughts.
3. When our thoughts change, God again is the channel through which our emotions are sparked, changed.

This 7th step is the most challenging.   It actually asks for us to act as if we have faith in that Higher Power.   It asks that we behave in a way different than we may have ever done.

Loving Yourself - Step 6

2010-03-15T16:04:00.002-05:00

I am finally on Step 6 of this 12-part blog.   Hope you enjoy.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
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1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
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Step 6: To face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.

So; why is step 6 and 7 separate? It may seem that once we uncover our limitations, share them with others, become accountable, then we should go directly that higher power to overcome these limits, right?

Not so fast!   (I keep telling myself this!)

First, we must reflect on what fears define these limits.   Next, we take a look at what is necessary to overcome them. Finally, we see how we and God can be a part of these solutions.

For example, in middle school I was a geek and slightly overweight.   This is a deadly combination.    I was called every name in the book, made fun of, and developed a very poor self-image.   I could take this through all the steps, but what the moral inventory made me see about it was that this was based on the fear of not being loved by others.   This feeling, to a greater or lesser degree has been with me since then.

Reflecting on the fear of not being loved, what do I have control over; what can I do individually to address this problem? What can others do? What part needs to be given over a Higher Power?

Individually, I have the choice on what to do with this feeling of not being loved, or the fear of such.   I can choose to feel it.   To spend my time and energy on re-experiencing these feelings, and dredging up memories which reinforce this.   Or, I could choose to seek the opinions and help of others, and that higher power.

That is it really.   The one thing I can always do with whatever limitation, fear, or obstacle is to CHOOSE how to respond to it.   The most important thing is to CHOOSE!

Now, I can take this fear and see how God can be a part of the solution.   The major thing I must caution against in this step is the tendency to think we can make those changes on our own.

Let's face it, this all ties back to the previous steps.   Besides the choice to do something about the fear, we need something to connect to that enables us, empowers us to follow through with that choice.   In this way, we become co-creators of our lives with God.

I have made the choice that I will turn back to what I know God see's in me, the degree to which God loves me, and uses others to continue to remind me of this.   God is always in my mind as I choose to overcome that fear of not being loved.   God is indelibly part of that process and never separate.

At the end of this step, I have the realization that my part in the process is to choose to overcome these fears and to choose to include God in every process.   When this happens, we are ready for the next step, actually welcoming that Higher Power in these processes.

Loving Yourself - Step 5

2010-03-11T19:02:00.001-06:00

I know it has been a week, but this 12 part blog takes a lot of reflection before I even power up the computer.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
4. To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
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Step 5: To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.

In order to start step 5, like step 4, it is a requirement to have at least reflected on the first four steps. This is because, even though in step 4, we start taking a moral inventory of ourselves, this is just really just the prerequisite to bringing out what we find in that inventory and start doing something about it.

The core concern of step 5 is to bring out into the open the limits we find within ourselves that prevent us from experiencing unconditional love.   While this step is separated in three different declarations, it is really voicing those limitations to the agents, the powers, the players that affect and are affected my those limitations.   In other words, by speaking our limitations to God (the source of unconditional love), ourselves (the source of our limitations) and others (the mirror held before us to reveal the effects of both the unconditional love we experience and the limitations to that love we still have) we have brought those things into the light of day, given them a reality apart from ourselves.

1. We admit our limitations at self-loving to God.

This is really the first time in the 12-step process that our Ego is addressed. I am assuming that in step 1, 2, 3, and 4, we have come to understand truly that the only yardstick for unconditional love must be something greater than ourselves.   We all fall short of that love. It is only feeding our ego if we believe otherwise.   We all fall short of that love.   In fact, we will always fall short of unconditional love, but, in the process, may increasingly love ourselves throughout the rest of our lives.

We admit to this greater power that we have a limitation.   This diffuses the ego.   It helps to prevent such ego-saving defenses such as denial, rationalization, repression, and blame (projecting to others).

This is a continuing process. Everytime the ego comes up and tries to defend itself, we must again voice this reality that our limitations are actually our limitations.   Revealed humbly in all honesty.

2. We admit our limitations at self-loving to ourselves.

So, we have redefined our limitations in the face of God, and now we admit to ourselves those redefined limitations to our-self.   Why?

It may seem like we are playing hot-potato with the results of our moral inventory. We are simply seeing that limitation to loving from the vantage point of that greater power, and then back to our point of perception.   This allows a realistic appraisal to begin of that limitation. However, there is one more step to balance that point of perception.

3. We admit our limitations at self-loving to another human-being.

We have identified a limitation.   Sharing it with a greater power has de-fanged our ego. Now we tell it back to ourselves, ego-free (or at least ego-limited).   Now we must share it with another.   This is really difficult because we risk, for the first time, rejection.   The other we share it with may be someone we trust, so that risk is reduced.   It may be your best-friend or priest, or Imam or whatever.   The point of this step is to make a public declaration that we are aware of this limitation to loving ourselves.   For the first time, it makes us accountable to another.   Not that we have promised anything at this step, but rather, another now knows that we are becoming aware of our limitations.   They become a reminder to us that we have begun this process, and a reinforcement to continue it.

As an example of this; when I uncovered the reasons that I limit my own success. I realized I am not afraid of success. I am afraid of hard work and additional responsibilities, because I might fail. This prevents me from expressing the gifts and talents, the works of which I am capable, and thus limits my own view of myself, my own self-love.   Many times, I came to this realization, but my ego instantly started making excuses for this.   I told myself for years that I did not need to be successful.   I didn't need a nice house, or great job, or many friends, or a good vehicle, or good family relationships, or any other relationships for that matter.   At other times, my ego rationalized my situation.   I was not in the position to be successful.   I didn't have enough money, power, prestige, self-confidence.   There was too much risk involved.   Trust me.   The ego can always come up with excuses to protect itself from any kind of criticism, including that from others and from yourself.   Once I shared this with God, I found that the more times I came to God, the less excuses I had, and the clearer my real fear and limitation became.   When I shared this with another friend, she validated that I, indeed, was facing this realistically.   Now when I talk to her, I am always reminded to talk from the real limitation, the real problem.   Then solutions that are created deal with the real limitation.

Loving Yourself - Step 4

2010-03-05T15:16:00.001-06:00

Once more, another installment of the Loving Yourself 12 Step blog.

To review: The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
3. To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.

-----------------------------------------------

Step 4: To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Why is this step step 4? Why does it have to come after step 1, 2 and 3? It is impossible to see ourselves in an honest and searching way without having the conviction that we and our self-worth have nothing to do with what others say, do or feel toward us and that we can, through choice, believe and feel that we are unconditionally loved.

The first part of this moral inventory is looking at ourselves. Through the conviction of being unconditionally loved, this allows us to see where we do not measure up to our own greatest vision of ourselves, without spiraling out of control, down a slippery slope of self-blame, guilt or fear. Beginning this process always brings up uncomfortable realizations, painful revelations.

Without the the choice to believe in unconditional love we receive, those feelings will engender some blame, or self-criticism. Instead of continuing the process of a moral inventory, we stop and retreat, we deny and repress, and feel even worse about ourselves. The choice to see ourselves through the eyes of love allow us to feel those feelings and yet continue on, because we know that this is part of a process to make ourselves better.

Once we look at these qualities and actions within ourselves that are in conflict with our highest vision of who we wish to be, then we need feedback from others, to see if they are true shortcomings or irrational and untrue perceptions we have created.

For example, I have always seen myself as possessing a brilliant mind. Looking at myself with honest eyes, I see that I am not as smart as I had always thought. When I asked on of my genius friends, she agreed with me that I was not in the genius class. Now, I could have thrown that back in her face, or denied it, thinking that she just didn't know me, but rather, I accepted it and saw that she was right.

A door opened then to see that I had used the approval from others having to do with my intelligence to feed my self-esteem. Therefore, I exaggerated my language, my manners, my conversation in such a way to highlight my intelligence. I purposely cultivated this veneer of being a genius and (unconsciously) being better than anyone else in this way. In the process, I was removing myself from others, making it harder to get to know me, and keeping people at arm's distance. It was actually sabotaging my desire to be liked and accepted by others. It was an unrealistic and irrational way to base my behavior. Now, I can be sometimes smart and sometimes stupid, sometimes complex and ofttimes simple with people, and it feels much more natural, much more like me.

Sometimes, that moral inventory brings up things with which we are not able to deal. Some things, some memories, some actions may require more than just ourselves. We can feel those overpowering feelings, feel anxious, even feel paralyzed if the issues are outside of our realm of coping. This is when we need additional help, sometimes professional help.

This process can take a long time. In fact, in some ways, it never ends. But, it is the most important step to further our love for ourselves.

Loving Yourself - Step 3

2010-03-02T18:35:00.003-06:00

This is the third installment of the Loving Yourself 12 Step blog.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
2. To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
-----------------------------------------------

Step 3:    Make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.

In step 2, the primary decision is to believe that there is a Power greater than myself that unconditionally loves me. Step 3 is the decision to see myself as that power sees me. This is much more challenging than step 2.

How do we see ourselves?   What influences shape what we see in the mirror?   What we feel in our heart?

It is so difficult because most of my views of myself have come from other people.   People have told me that I was cute, ugly, old, young, intelligent, stupid, visionary, head in the clouds, from another planet, good-smelling, bad-smelling, funny, sad.   I mean, with all the feedback I get from other people, who the hell should I think I am? It is very confusing.

If you think about it, we are called every name in the book, every adjective in the language.   So why do we pay attention to some of these things and not others? It is based on what image we have of ourselves.   In this case, to what we listen, pay attention, and believe that others have said about us match up with what we believe to exist in ourselves. At the same time, what others say about us creates our self image.

Doesn't this seem like a crazy thing?   How I see myself shapes what and who I listen to and what and who I listen to shapes how I see myself.

I have gone through periods in my life where I thought I was a wonderful conversationalist.   The few times that friends or acquaintances have said that I was hard to understand, wasn't communicating, or just wasn't making a connection with them, I ignored.   This wasn't the match for image I had of myself, so I shrugged it off. On the other hand, I never considered myself that spiritual until enough people told me and showed me that I was always in touch with the idea of a greater power, and a world of belief and spirituality.   As this reinforcement continued, I believed even more that I was spiritually minded.

Why is it important to point these things out when I am talking about loving yourself and seeing yourself from the perspective of unconditional love?

Seeing yourself from the perspective of one who unconditionally loves you, helps to filter the feedback from others into the best, first image you have of yourself.

When we see ourselves in relation to the other people in our life, it is very easy to get into a destructive cycle of accepting the criticism of others and then to be self-critical, causing our self-image to be more receptive to the criticism of others.   In fact, it may get to the point that we start taking the positive responses of others and twisting them to reinforce our own self-critical perception of ourselves.   It is a deadly cycle that ends in a fractured self and, more often than not, depression, despair, etc.

What is great about starting with a structure that is based on seeing us from a perspective of unconditional love is that when we receive criticism, or even neutral responses from people, they are now examined in light of the choice to see them and accept them through the lenses of that love. In this structure, forgiveness, acceptance, healthy reflection and contemplation can occur instead of self-criticism, self-hate, injured feelings, shame or guilt.

More conscious and reflective self-evaluation stops the immediate and impulsive interpretation of other's views about you from being irrational, unrealistic, uninformed, and damaging.

Choosing to believe and see yourself through the eyes of unconditional love allow you to contemplate and process the opinions and feedback from others, without it becoming an immediate self-criticism or with us rejecting neutral or even good feedback outright.

If I believe that I am loved, and that nothing and no one can stop or alter that unconditional love I receive from that Higher Power, then everything that I am shown from others about myself, looses it's ability to injure, incite, or even influence me unless I choose to allow it.

In addition, from this perspective, the feedback we get from others that is not in conjuction with our opinion of ourselves can be contemplated.   I see myself as having these qualities, but this other person shows me that their perceptions do not match up.   Is it true?   If it is, does it show me that while I am intending to be this way, I can be better.   Notice I do not use self-criticism.   I do not tell myself how stupid I am for not being where I wish to be.   Since this feedback does not attack my ego, and the reassurance of love give me patience with myself, I have the time and emotional-distance enough to really process these things.   Are they true? Do they show me ways that I can be even better than I am now?

Loving Yourself - Step 2

2010-02-26T12:31:00.003-06:00

And the Saga Continues....

This blog is part 2 of a 12 part blog on loving myself (and perhaps yourself) better.

To review:   The steps covered so far.
-----------------------------------------------
1. To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
-----------------------------------------------

Step - 2 Believe in a Power greater than ourselves that loves us regardless of anything we do.

I saw a story from CourtTV about a father who faced his daughter's killer, a man who drove drunk and crashed into her car.   What is amazing about this is that at the end of the trial, right before the man was sentenced to jail, the father came up to him and said that he forgives him for the death of his daughter. You should have seen the look of shock on the drunk driver's face.   He was stunned.   Being led away in handcuffs, he never lost that look of complete surprise.

I don't think this man would have been more astonished if green men from outer space, materialized in the middle of the court room. He was given a look into not only forgiveness, but of love. Perhaps for the first time in his life, it was unmerited, no strings, no requirements, no contracts, undeserved.

Now why is this step separate from step number 3?   They are broken apart because what must happen first is that we choose to believe that there is undeserved and unconditional love and that it comes always from a place, a person, a figure, a God, a power that is larger than ourselves.   After believing, then we can respond.   Not before.

I know in my own case, I have answered the question as to whether a greater power unconditionally loves me very quickly and with a resounding "Yes."   But hold on.     The first relationships that I had, that modeled this love were from my parents.   They were good relationships, but regardless, were between human being with all the failures and limitations of human beings.   I learned that love from a mother and father were great, but still limited.   I could see God as a parent and that is about as far as my conception and understanding of that Divine Love went for many many years.

However, when I went to college I learned that a few people had horrific parents and an abusive childhood.   One woman seemed to have a great and abiding faith, a surety of the love of God, though so few people modeled it in her life.   When I asked how she believed this, she said that one night she was going to end her life, and in the moments before slitting her wrists, she prayed to God that she could feel love even one time in her life before she died.    In a moment, she said that she was filled with a sense of peace and love that she had never experienced before.   It swelled within her, and consequently, saved her life.   She related that from that point on, she knew things could be better because she was loved by at least one person in her life.

I was so humbled by this.   Looking at my own conceptions of that unconditional love, mine was limited, even with loving relationships in my early life.   Hers was radiant and sure.

What I am learning, what I am choosing to believe every hour of every day is that unconditional love. Notice that I am choosing to believe this many times a day.   This is not a one time statement of faith, of statement of belief.   It is a process.   It is a declaration of thought, feeling, and being that must be made continuously.

I go backward if I do not choose to believe that a greater power loves me unconditionally.   I go back into those patterns of belief where that love is only as good as the love that has been modeled for me in my life.   It is easy to fall back into the habit of experiencing limited love.   It is too easy.

Choose to believe in a love greater than any of which you can conceive.   Choose to place no limits on that love, none whatsoever!

So...what does this mean?

It means that I choose to visualize, to feel, to be open to a love that springs from a never ending source.

If I stand under a waterfall, and I choose to whip out an umbrella to stop the flow of water, do you think I will stay dry?   Not likely.   In fact, the force of that water will whip that umbrella away quick. If I choose to hold my past behaviors up as a shield from unconditional love, what happens? The love still comes like a flood, like a waterfall.   My shield doesn't stop the love coming into my life.   It only prevents me from recognizing it for what it is. I get wet, and yet I stand, screaming to the world and to myself that I am dry; that I do not deserve the water coming down, and therefore refuse to feel the water coursing over me.

At the moment I choose to believe in this love, I feel the water, I feel the power from the source.   I no longer deny or ignore it.   That is why I must continuously choose to believe.

Choose to believe that there is nothing that prevents this love from your life. None.

Not murder!
Not stealing!
Not hurting another!
Not hurting yourself!
Not the worst evil you think you may have done!
Not abandoning a child, a parent, a grandparent, a friend!
Not drugs or alcohol!
Not pride!
Not crushing the competition!
Not lying!
Not betraying another!
Not cheating!
Not hating!
Not beating!
Not being beaten!
Not abusing another!
Not being abused!

This love is unconditional.   No limits exist. You cannot prevent this unconditional love from loving you! No matter what you do, you are loved. Now...believe it!

Loving Yourself - Step 1

2010-02-21T13:58:00.002-06:00

This is a continuation of the blog I did last on loving yourself.   I am committed to a 12-blog explanation of this process of loving myself (or yourself).

As each step comes up, the previous steps will be listed, and you can start to see how they all come together by the end of the 12th step.

Step 1 - We admit we are powerless over what others think of us.

I don't know about you, but I like to try to make things better.   When I see something that is inefficient, or broken, I want to make it work better!   I do not know where this came from in my life.   I have always been a kind of efficiency expert when looking at systems or infrastructures or systemic problems.   Do you know, that I am also this way with people.

When I get feedback from someone that a relationship, friendship, or any kind of interaction isn't going well, I want to jump in with both feet and make it better.    The most extreme version of this happens when I find out the relationship that is not going so well is with me!

My first thought when I receive information that someone doesn't like what I am doing, or who I am being is that I can fix it.   I can change.   No problem.   This is something that I can do and that person will like me again!

So, I change the way I speak.   No go.   The other person still thinks I am stuck up and opinionated.
So, I drop some of my larger words and forgo nine out of ten of my own opinions.   I am more quiet.
Then the other person thinks that I am moody. Then I decide to smile all the time.   The other now thinks I am "Creepy."

How about this scenario.

I am asked, during a dinner party with very conservative friends, what I feel about the whole same sex marriage in the Lutheran Church. I want to say all those things about justice, and that I cannot be in a position to judge others without limiting myself. I start to say these things and suddenly, two people start quoting Bible verses and challenging my own beliefs.   So, I do not want to be disliked, and I take a slightly more conservative continuation of my beliefs. So now, not only do I not feel totally accepted by these people, but I feel bad because I do not stick to my guns on my own beliefs.

I AM TRAPPED INTO BELIEVING I CAN CHANGE HOW OTHERS THINK OF ME!

Whenever I believe these things and I act on them, I am always dissapointed that I cannot change others opinions and in trying to do so, I cannot please myself.

This is one of the most important parts of loving yourself.

Stop believing that you can are only worthy of loving yourself if others love you!

This is a destructive cycle.    It feeds into the myth that you need to feel loved and appreciated, heck even liked by all others to feel that you are someone who deserved to be loved and to love. STOP IT!

What happens is that you cannot (I cannot) please everyone.   Therefore, when someone is not pleased, I feel like I have failed and therefore I feel like I am a failure.   This is not self-love!

If you are in a relationship and it fails, then it is so easy to think that you are just not worthy of being loved.   It was your fault.   It was that you were not strong enough, wise enough, loved the other enough.   KNOCK IT OFF!!!!

Do you know that no one can generate your feelings of love for them unless you agree to it.   What this means is that you are the source of all of your feelings for another.   You decide, when the relationship or friendship is goings well, that you deserve to feel happy and loved. SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL! If things are not going well, then you feel that you should be sad, despondent, angry, and not loved.   SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL!   You are the source of everything you feel.   You are the reason that you feel loved or not.

Now, I do not want to diminish in the least the importance of other people and their feedback and impact on our lives.   Not at all.   We only see ourselves in relation to other people.   We define what and who we are by seeing who and what others are.    However; and I cannot stress this enough, you choose how you see yourself.   Others do not choose for you! You choose to love yourself and to what degree.   It is always your choice.    You may be influenced by others and their opinion of you, but it is always your choice.

Love Yourself - Again

2010-02-17T19:45:00.003-06:00

So many self-help books say that the number one problem with people is that they do not love themselves.

Yet, what does this really mean? How do we love ourselves?

Do we think that in loving ourselves that we cater to our every whim?

Isn't this what we are tempted to do when we fall in love with another, or even have a crush on another? No task is too small, no favor to large to gain the good graces of the one in whom we are interested.

So if I love myself, I am going to go out and treat myself to a large Mocha Coffee with extra chocolate syrup and sprinkles even though I am a diabetic! I am going to go buy the latest video game console on the market even though I already have a huge credit card debt. I am going to come home and just veg out for hours in front of the TV even though the smell from the garbage is enough to knock out a skunk!

Now what if we think that loving ourselves means protecting ourselves from pain, disappointment, or discomfort?

Therefore, I am going to avoid situations that may be physically, emotionally, or spiritually painful! Right? I mean, no one in their right mind would purposely seek out situations in which they can get hurt? I will not go back to dating after my divorce! I will avoid that High School Reunion because I put on 40 lbs since then! I will not open up my heart to another just to have it broken again!

How about the conditional love we have for ourselves?

I will love me when I get healthy! I will love me when I have that face lift. Finally, these saddlebags are gone and now I can love myself! When I find a woman who loves me, then I will love myself! When my sister forgives me, or my brother forgives me, then I will love myself.

It seems that answering the question as to how we can love ourselves is anything but clear.

Yet, we can take a couple pages out of the AA and other 12-step programs to help love ourselves in realistic and appropriate ways:

(My own refined 12-steps for loving myself!)

To admit we are powerless over what others think of us.
To come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves loves us regardless of anything we do.
To make a decision to see ourselves as that higher power of unconditional love sees us.
To Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
To Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the ways we limit loving ourselves.
To ready to face these limits, work through our fears in order to love ourselves.
To humbly ask that greater power to open our hearts to the love in our lives.
To make a list of all the times we have harmed ourselves and forgive ourselves for them.
To learn to identify when we feel shame and guilt for what we have done to ourselves, and change it to thoughts of what we have done well, what actions we can take to make positive changes in our lives from this point on.
To take personal inventory and when we are self-critical, to promptly admitted it.
To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of God's love for us and the power to love ourselves with that love!
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we will to carry this message to all who are ready to love themselves, and to ourselves when we may falter in these steps.

Art and Emotions - The Prodigal Son

2010-02-12T14:43:00.000-06:00

I have rarely related my blog post to the graphic that I am using that day.   However, this particular graphic is a bit different. Sometimes my expression in art is a reflection of how I am feeling when it is created.   Other times, like this one, it is the reverse.

When I completed this graphic, it was not because I was feeling bright, shiny, or particularly positive.   Yet, looking at it caused me to become just that.   Something resonates with me when I see it.   Sadly, few of my creations do this.   But occasionally, they do.

Other works of art resonate with me as well.

Whenever I look at Rembrandt’s painting: The Prodigal Son, I get a wash of emotions from it.   If you have never seen it, look it up.   The father is putting his hands around his lost son, while the other sons, some distance off, have looks from disgust to joy at his return.

It is profound it that it brings me to the point of joy when I look at it from the father's perspective. Some deep seated wish has finally been granted, a lost connection reestablished, a family put back together.   Also, when I put myself in the role of the son, I feel like hope has come again, forgiveness.   Just imagine being so lost, alone, full of shame that you would be willing to be a slave to your family just to have a place to call home.   Yet, in that moment of not even being able to hope for the least crumb from the table, you get the feast.   All is forgiven and you have found that you are home. From the perspective of the other brothers that stayed home; one is angry because of the perceived injustice, another might be confused at his father's actions. I have had the same thoughts, the same anger and the same confusion.   I have felt at the wrong end of justice, and deeply confused by the actions of others.

However, let me have someone else tell you their reaction to this work of art:

When the famous author Henri Nouwen saw the Prodigal Son painting in the St Petersburg Hermitage, he was struck by the sight of "a man in a great red cloak tenderly touching the shoulders of a disheveled boy kneeling before him. I could not take my eyes away. I felt drawn by the intimacy between the two figures, the warm red of the man’s cloak, the golden yellow of the boy’s tunic, and the mysterious light engulfing them both. But, most of all, it was the hands --the old man’s hands--as they touched the boy’s shoulders that reached me in a place where I had never been reached before. ..." Nouwen realized that Rembrandt must have shed many tears and died many deaths before he could have so exquisitely painted the father’s heart for his lost son. Rembrandt had once again painted himself as the Prodigal Son, but this time coming back home to his Father. - Reverend Ed Hird

Capacity vs. Potential

2010-02-11T11:40:00.000-06:00

Potential:

1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential problem.

2. Having possibility, capability, or power.

Capacity:

1. The ability to receive, hold, or absorb.

2. The maximum amount that can be contained:

3. Ability to perform or produce; capability.

Have you ever been told that you have great potential?   Potential?   Having potential for something is really the propensity for developing something that does not yet exist. When someone says that you have potential, it may be that they see something in you that may attract something greater, later on.

Now, I do not mean to be negative about potential.   Or using potential as a way of complimenting someone.   On the positive side, you can see potential in someone like electrical potential.   When something is charged, like storm-clouds, there are several million electron volts of potential contained in that cloud.   Nothing may happen with this charge.   Or this charge may be slowly dissipated over time.   However, just the right conditions come up and suddenly, there is a flash of lightning, a crack of thunder.   This is potential.   In people, potential can mean the same thing.   Everything is there for something to happen, and just the right conditions may bring it out.

I have heard so many stories of people who nobody thought would come through in a tough time, show courage, wisdom, love and compassion more so than they have ever done so. A lightning release of their potential for being better than they were.

On the other hand, if we were to hear someone say to us that they see the capacity for something, it has a slightly different meaning.   If a truck has the capacity for 13 gallons in the gas tank, then it can contain 13 gallons.   Nothing stops it from doing so.   It was build that way.   However, if a truck has the potential for holding 15 gallons, it means that I have to go back to the dealer and get another gas tank that can contain two more gallons.   If a person has the capacity to do something, they already have the ability, but it may not be fully realized or fully used yet.

A great example of this concept is when Jesus told his disciples that they would heal the sick, give sight to the blind, perform miracles in his name.   This is a statement of capacity.   They may not have believed it, but Jesus saw that they had within them the ability to do these things.

I know that I have the potential to live a fearless life.
I hope that I may come to believe that I have the capacity to live fearlessly.

I know that I have the potential to make love the cornerstone of every decision in my life.
I am beginning to believe that I have the capacity to make love the root of every decision.

I know that I have the potential to be a great teacher.
Slowly, I am realizing that I have the capacity to teach.

Potential - what may be, the lightning waiting to strike.
Capacity - what is, but may be better, bigger, more fully realized.

Stand back for my Imagination

2010-02-09T10:42:00.000-06:00

One of my dearest friend's daughter once declared, with arms open wide, "Stand back for my imagination!"   What a statement to the world!

Imagination, when we are young, transports us to new worlds, new ways of perceiving this world, or as yet undiscovered ways of seeing ourselves.    Imagination allows the thoughts we think to create the emotions we feel, and to motivate us to act on these two.

As an adult, I find that my imagination to be a necessary part of my waking life.    It is the bridge between what I think of myself, and the vision, the daydream or the visualization of who I wish to be and the actions to get me there.

I am sure that you have heard many a motivational speaker say things like, "If you can dream it, you can do it!", or "Your imagination is the only limit to your accomplishments!"   "What you think you can do, you can do!"   All of these are tied to the ability to envision yourself doing these things.

I talked with a martial art master and he related to me what went through his mind when he broke boards at an exhibition.   He said, "I see my hand not as a hand but as an extension of the Chi energy.   It is that energy of life which goes through the board.   My hand simply follows it through."   In his case, he imagined this. One can say that his imagination became stronger than his doubt of breaking the board.   Thus, the board broke.

Imagination also allows me to consider possibilities, where logic and reason might have swayed me to not believe before.   Who of us have never wanted the ability to speak with animals? How about the ability to be invisible, or to levitate, or to walk through walls?   There is the child in us that wants to be able to do these things, or at the least, to live in a world where these things are possible.   Why not?

In my investigations into major world religion's holy figures, I have found that many of the saints, there are eyewitness accounts of such people speaking to animals, walking into a building and not being seen, levitating, and even walking through walls.   It is my imagination that allows me to not totally discount these accounts, but rather to admit that I live in a world where these things are at least possible.   Without imagination, I would not be able to do that.

Sometimes imagination is so strong that it changes reality.   There was a medical case at Duke University, where a man came in, an immigrant from Haiti, that presented with lowered pulse, low blood pressure, a continually dropping body tempurature, and a failing heart.   The doctors could not find out what was causing this.   While talking with the patient they found out that he had been cursed by a Voodoo priest for leaving the country and he was told that he would be dead within 6 months if he did not return to his country. At the time of his admission, five of those six months were already gone. As a last straw attempt to save his life, the doctors got a hold of another Haitian Voodoo Priest and had him come to the hospital and remove the curse that was on this man.   The moment the curse was lifted, the man's vital signs stabilized, his core temp went up, and his heart resumed a normal sinus rhythm.   He was discharged a few days later with no symptoms.

Imagination is very powerful.   It is the bridge, the energy to bring into existence those things which we may dare to imagine.

Thought, Word and Deed = Happiness

2010-02-06T14:46:00.001-06:00

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
- Ghandi

We have all heard about thought, word and deed.   It seems like it is the trinity of action, much like the trinity of God.

We may even say that God the Father is the thought, God the Son is the word, God the Spirit is the deed.   Thus, we, liek God, are creators and we manifest that creation in terms of:

Thought - we conceptualize, we envision, we put into mental pictures what we wish to have come into our lives.

Word - we utter, make sounds, voice words that bring those thoughts into existence in the form of vibrations and thus they interact with the world.   They are received by others, heard by ourselves, emanate outward in energy which, while it gets weaker with distance, never stops spreading out into the world.

Deed - we move huge amounts of dense energy (physical matter, our bodies, the physical world) in order to build or fulfill that word, put substance to that creative thought.

So why did Ghandi say that happiness is when these three are in conjunction?

Happiness is the accomplishment of realizing the person we wish to be; our highest concept of ourselves.

What happens to short-circuit that happiness is that we change our thoughts by the second, we say things that derail our manifestations and we do things that are in-congruent with the people we wish to be.

Let us say that I had the idea that I am a man of peace.   Sounds simple, right?

What would a man of peace do? In all situations, he would ask himself, "is this the way of peace?   Is what I am about to do something that will add to my chaos, discomfort, disharmony, or that of others?   If this is so, I need to change my thought, before it becomes voiced and definitely before it becomes an action. However, my mind will flit between several interpretations of what it means to have peaceful thoughts.   Does it mean that I must silence those thoughts that have mostly peace but include some non-peaceful components?   How about thinking of a course of action that disarms or incapacitates those people or ideas that detract from peace?   I can't even make up my mind.

Then the time comes that I voice something.   Is it the well thought out conceptualization of those actions that will lead to peace or do I just say something like, "I don't know!" or "Ummmmm." as I wait for that clarity of thought and word.   Perhaps I just say, "OK. That sounds good" when someone else offers their opinion on my actions.

Even if that conceptualization of peace and the words of peace match in that instance, what about the deeds? Let us say that I am determined to be a peacemaker, regardless of my thoughts toward someone else that causes nothing but turmoil in my life.   I approach them and try to communicate the desire for us to make a connection, to bridge a gap, to understand one another better and how we affect each other's lives.   Then they insult us, or push our buttons, and WHAM....My thoughts become defensive, injured, my words burst forth, insulting them back, and I physically distance myself, or perhaps even push the other person away.

The whole thought, word and deed concept, I myself, has changed on each level in this one instance.   As long as I continue to change any part of the three and not stick to those three manifestations, I lack happiness.   I have failed to act on, speak on, and think of myself in the highest conceptualization of myself.   I am not happy.

However, If I have the thought that I am a peacemaker, I continue to speak words of peace and reconciliation, forgiveness and requests for forgiveness, and I take actions to always be available, calm, and open to the other person who may have caused turmoil in my life, then eventually, regardless of the actions of the other person, I am being a peacemaker in relation to that other person.   I am being a peacemaker.   I am being the highest concept of who I wish to be.   This is happiness.

"You're just being too sensitive!"

2010-01-30T15:21:00.001-06:00

"You're just being too sensitive!"

Oftentimes, this kind of thing is said when we say something to someone and they take it much harder than we intended it to be taken.    Yet, to defend ourselves, we put it on them that they are too sensitive.   Yes, i myself am guilty of this more than once.   And you know what, I am sensitive.

I really think I need to look at this whole sensitivity thing a bit closer.

I think to some degree that everyone has sensitivities in certain areas of their life.   Usually, it has to do with some emotional situation that occurred in their past, or that they have caused or been caused to feel some intense emotion, physical pain, or spiritual angst.

Emotional sensitivity is very common.   Oftentimes, when we are talking with people, we notice that certain subjects are avoided by people.   They become quiet, or change the subject very quickly, or become suddenly defensive.   We almost expect this.   In fact, when conversation is so easy and effortless and it seems that no topic is uncomfortable or off-limits, that we ourselves start feeling a little uncomfortable.   We are guarded or reserved and feel bad that we cannot return the open and honest and unguarded conversation of the other.

Emotional sensitivity also means that there are more direct connections to that other person's emotions in some areas that others. The normal defenses are not working. The level and speed with which these emotions can be accessed and are expressed are out of proportion with the others. If we are goodd listeners, and good friends, these areas are sometimes portals into a deeper understanding of another

Physical sensitivity is also very common.   People who have had injuries, or some physical trauma, or emotional trauma that is triggered by a physical sensation, reaction, or condition, also are protective and sometimes defensive about these areas.   For example, when I was overweight, and tried to hide my gut (which was very large) I would not allow people to touch my stomach.   I was not aware of it, but I would block people from even getting near my stomach.   I also has a triple fracture in my foot and for months later, I was very careful about even touching my own foot.   It was in my awareness all the time.   People pick up on this.   Some people we consider "touchy" usually have a good reason.   Victims of physical abuse, or traumatic injury usually are very sensitive about being touched.

In some recovery programs for people who have gone through traumatic physical events, there are such things as rebirthing events and other touch intensive therapies.   Ironically, several of these techniques also help getting over emotional traumas as well.

Spiritual sensitivity is a tricky one.   Though, in my own experience, I would say that his is more common than the other two.   We have all had experiences that can be interpreted as either very normal, realistic, logical, explainable, and grounded.   Conversely, other experiences we may consider otherworldly, spiritual, existential, unreal, and nebulous.   These experiences can be as traumatic or more so than emotional or physical events.   Most people with whom I have talked about spirituality are extremely touchy about this.   I have been touchy about this myself.   Many people are very sensitive about their spirituality their entire lives.   There are fewer resources to explore, get in touch with, and work through our spiritual sensitivities.   For physical and emotional sensitivities, there are medical, holistic, psychological, social and may other avenues for understanding and addressing these sensitivities.

Being sensitive is not bad or good. I guess I may have painted it as only being related to traumas or bad things happening. This is not true. There are times of intense physical, emotional and spiritual events that are enormously positive.

The easiest example of physical positive sensitivity is of course, physical pleasure.   Some pleasure is so enormously fulfilling that once we experience it, we change the course of our lives so that we can experience it again.   (No....I am not just talking about sex.) There are adherents to some Yoga philosophies and practices because they wish to recapture the physical, transcendent states that they human body can get into.

Emotionally, crushes are a great example of positive sensitivities.   Our senses seem more alive, we notice all the small and subtle things about the other person.

Spiritually, there have been mountain-top experiences that have changed a person's life, and sometimes an entire country's or church's history.

The common thread through all these areas of sensitivity is that they are more direct connections to the senses, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs of people.   If treated with respect, they are very effective avenues to get to know and love another person for who they are.   If disrespected, they can be relationship and friendship killers.

I guess I just had to explore this sensitivity question.   Consider it my own sensitivity training.